Journaling
I just reread a few of my past entries (woah it's been a while! My last one doesn't seem over 3 months ago!!!) and there appears to be this theme I keep returning to...my future.
And every time I return to it, it changes a little bit, and I have obviously changed a little bit.
Well, now the issues that I talked about in that last post...2 of them are sorted and the offers are in place. It's just the acting auditions left. And then decisions.
Stuff is so busy at the moment I hardly have any time to just think, though I suppose I do, and sacrifice my studies in order to, lol! I've also got new people in my life, friendships, relationships that both enrich and complicate my life to extremes!
But it's all living isn't it...
And that's definitely something!
I was thinking...I think it was yesterday???
That I can't really imagine my life in the future in terms of me. I was listening to "30/90" I believe from Larsons musical "Tick,Tick...BOOM!" and in it the lead voices his fears and concerns about turning 30. And that got me thinking about being 30, which to me seems...not old...but not nearby either. But I can't imagine myself in this position...I can't imagine not being a "kid." It's odd to think that everything will change, I won't be going to the same school in about 4 months time, I won't live in the same place with the same people forever, I will begin a whole new chapter of my life soon and I have NO idea what that chapter will be, or who I will be when I get there...
I thought of "Friends" when Rachel turns 30, or when Phoebe realises she's literally lost a year of her life. About Jonathan Larson writing about his fears at 29 that he was wasting his life in vain, that he was no longer relevant...
Which is ironic as about 15 years later a 17 year-old RENT obsessive is currently listing his work - which he never even released himself - as inspiration for thought.
But he never knew just how relevant he was, because he died before RENT even went to Broadway. He never even saw what his "masterpiece" could do for the world, for the people in it.
And I suppose that is what I would like...to be relevant.
I don't need to be rich and famous, the more I think about it the more fitting 'penniless artiste' seems to fit my ethos of life.
I want to be creative and I want to be expressive, and to have the opportunity to express myself to an audience of equally expressive groups and individuals.
I want to write a musical - something like RENT and Wicked that really connects, that can truly change people. I have political agenda's. I know I'm smart and I know I have opinions, and I want to do something about the issues I have opinions on, even if it's a musical finger-up to "the man"
I want to drum in a band and maybe session...drumming is just fantastic!!!
I want to act! BOY do I wanna! I know how amazing it is to sit in a seat and have someone stand onstage in front of you and just bare themselves and take a risk right there. It's terrific and lifechanging to see!
And I want to write other things, plays, crits etc...
All of it is possible. But not probable...
I suppose I have to see whether I do in fact have the talent and drive.
But gah this has been all about me, and it shouldn't be. Because as self-indulgent as I can be, and often am...
I want to make a difference and help people.
Artistically.
And I suppose, if that's your reason for doing what you wanna do and being who you wanna be, whether you become rich and famous and share it with a million, or with just 200 people who really care...
That's ok.
Because it's real, and it's true, and it's honest.
And there should be more people in the world willing to live like that.
I know that my generation gets loaded upon, and yeah we're not all nice...there are some REAL twats at age 17...18...19 at the moment! But we're not all killers, we're not all yobs.
And the more I think about it, the more I think that this generation of young people, could really be the generation that changes the world. Because together, we can really do great things. Even small things. It all adds up!
This may be a rather Romantic ideal, in fact it probably is.
But as much as the future scares me...it also excites me! I want to see what the young people of this world can do! To help people, places, everything!!! To change the world!!!!
So to anyone reading this...come on! Let's make this future we all share fucking AWESOME!
Lets be free, lets fuck-up, lets learn, lets share our hopes and dreams! And lets make em happen!
I believe in my generation and I think I always will...