(no subject)
what do i want? i'm so confused. i feel like, like i'm on a raft at the lake. just sunbathing and chilling. music's in my ears, the buds blastin' out the tunes. i end up falling asleep while i'm still beside the pier. i wake up. i look around, and i finally realize that i'm on the other side of the lake. i can't get back without wasting all of my energy. all my resources. on this other side, a whole new adventure lies waiting. but i haven't experienced it yet, and i'm not familiar with it so it scares me. i want to go back to what i know, what i understand, what i need.
but is it really what i need? what if i need something new, fresh, inviting? (what i really need is a concussion, to knock everything away.) how will i ever get over the pains i've put myself through? what if i can't. i can't blame everyone else for everything. that's totally wrong. and unfair. so why do i find myself doing it, over and over again? something's wrong here. i need guidance. i need a figure to look up to. to follow. i need a friend.
maybe i'll check out the other side of the lake, and set up camp. a new life could be good for me. maybe i need to start over, with a new life, a new set of friends, a new set of beliefs. maybe i need to be (more of) a rebel. should i continue my life as it is now? a continuous place to hide? a place where i have fake friends? a place where i get hurt and play it off as nothing?
i can't anymore. this is hurting me. i don't know what to do. i want to be done with this life. but i can't let go. there were those little things, those things that made me feel good and special. but they've been taken away. i gave them away. now i want them back. and i can't have them.
ever wanted something so bad, you'd do anything for it? you'd act crazy, go all out, be someone you aren't just to get something? i want to do that. i need to do that. i'm destroying myself right now. this isn't a game. there is no, "ok let's try again tomorrow." no. i have to make my moves right now. and no matter how much i try, no matter how much i want to, i can't learn. no, i won't learn from my mistakes. i'm too hard-headed, to trusting of people from this century. i need to learn not to be, but i can't.
time to put those earbuds back in and the shades on. i'm going MIA for a while.
but is it really what i need? what if i need something new, fresh, inviting? (what i really need is a concussion, to knock everything away.) how will i ever get over the pains i've put myself through? what if i can't. i can't blame everyone else for everything. that's totally wrong. and unfair. so why do i find myself doing it, over and over again? something's wrong here. i need guidance. i need a figure to look up to. to follow. i need a friend.
maybe i'll check out the other side of the lake, and set up camp. a new life could be good for me. maybe i need to start over, with a new life, a new set of friends, a new set of beliefs. maybe i need to be (more of) a rebel. should i continue my life as it is now? a continuous place to hide? a place where i have fake friends? a place where i get hurt and play it off as nothing?
i can't anymore. this is hurting me. i don't know what to do. i want to be done with this life. but i can't let go. there were those little things, those things that made me feel good and special. but they've been taken away. i gave them away. now i want them back. and i can't have them.
ever wanted something so bad, you'd do anything for it? you'd act crazy, go all out, be someone you aren't just to get something? i want to do that. i need to do that. i'm destroying myself right now. this isn't a game. there is no, "ok let's try again tomorrow." no. i have to make my moves right now. and no matter how much i try, no matter how much i want to, i can't learn. no, i won't learn from my mistakes. i'm too hard-headed, to trusting of people from this century. i need to learn not to be, but i can't.
time to put those earbuds back in and the shades on. i'm going MIA for a while.