FIC: No More Hiding || The RoyEd Christmas Drabbles 6/10
Banner courtesy of hpfangirl71
Title: No More Hiding
Author: drummerdancer
Verse: None
Characters/Pairings: Roy/Ed, Alphonse, mention of Maes
Word Count: 2800 total (4x100, 2400)
Rating: T/M
Summary: In which Roy forces Ed to face his insecurities. Continuation of 'The Ugly Truth'.
The snow continued to fall outside, the soft flakes sharp and daggered against his pale skin. In a different lifetime, and with a different man, Roy might’ve been childish enough to stick his tongue out and catch the falling precipitation, tasting its coolness inside his mouth.
…But this wasn’t a different lifetime, and the man’s company he so longed for was dead, his life ended by a single bullet. No matter how far he progressed up the ranks or improved his alchemic abilities…the truth was still a bleak and lifeless corpse, handing over his head like the reaper’s scythe.
***
The laughter of two boys made Roy turn to his side. Some fifty feet away, Edward and Alphonse were throwing snowballs at one another, the site of which was made all the more comical when one noticed the outlandish snow forts made from alchemy. In fact…Roy squinted…the snowballs looked just a little too round to be considered manmade either.
Edward was laughing as he dodge yet another one of Alphonse’s attacks, his blond hair glowing gold against the white landscape. Roy wondered if Edward would ever show that side to him, or if that too was already gone.
***
After awhile, both young men put down their weapons and came together to build a snowman. Roy watched, his legs going numb against the park bench, as a series of claps and blue lights echoed against the cold earth. The sounds ebbed and flow-one minute they would be building, the next stepping back and pointing out flaws and changes in the rough product. It was a slow process-though faster than without alchemy, Roy supposed, and by the time they were finished, a noticeable limp had formed in Ed’s leg.
The three of them left the park soon after.
***
Alphonse left after dinner, complaining that he needed to get back in time for work tomorrow morning and the like. Roy and Ed both bid him farewell, with Roy shaking his hand and the latter pulling him into a brotherly hug. After he left, Roy felt an inexplicable chill enter the room, though he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold of the front door or his own uneasiness about Edward.
Regardless, Roy decided he couldn’t take it anymore. Turning to Ed, he asked if he wanted to go to bed; a single ‘sure’ and they left the room.
***
Safe under the cover of darkness, Roy snaked his hand out, eager to touch, to feel, to confess, all at once he hoped. Words were meaningless without feeling; if he was to have Edward trust him, it would have to start with action, not empty words void of value.
His hands met soft fabric made of cotton; he immediately latched on and pulled, the body of which came with it. Though, to say it was willing would be understatement; Edward was young, and he desired the feel of flesh against flesh much the same as Roy did when he was that age.
Fisting Ed’s shirt in his hand, Roy lifted himself up and over Ed’s body, hovering over him as he twisted the fabric in the center of Ed’s chest. He kissed him hard, delighting in the way Ed latched on to his mouth, how warm and eager he was to give love, in hopes that some might be thrown his way in return.
That thought hurt Roy more than he cared to admit; Edward should’ve never had to fight for his approval, his praise, his love…
It had been there since day one, when he saw that broken child in Resembool all those years ago, his eyes subdued yet still flickering, like a fire that simply refused to extinguish.
And then, over the years, that fire had rekindled and grown stronger, overcoming obstacle after obstacle, until finally, when the day arrived and he reached his final goal…that fire had been as bright as the sun, blinding all as their hearts and eyes welled up with tears filled with joy…and happiness.
That was what Edward was. He was Roy’s happiness, and one he had taken for granted and under appreciated for far too long.
“Edward…” he breathed, breaking the kiss as his teeth grazed his earlobe. The body beneath him shivered against his chest. He breathed deeply against Ed’s ear, his right hand now twisting the shirt up towards Ed’s neck as his left rested to the side of his head, holding Roy upright for balance.
Without saying anything, Roy tried to slide the shirt up off Ed’s head; and, like he was expecting, Ed startled, freezing up for a second before the tactical side of him kicked in and played it off. Roy felt him try to get up, to change the position and distract Roy from his task; but today, he wasn’t going to be deterred.
Using Ed’s momentum against him, Roy let himself be rolled to bottom, keeping his hand tightly twisted in the shirt as he did so. Then, just as Ed started to straighten, Roy yanked, ripping the shirt off and dropping it to the floor.
He felt a violent jerk in his lap, a sign that Ed had been completely thrown by the action. Roy felt kind of bad for the surprise, but he felt even worse about Ed thinking he had to hide his body from Roy. Taking control of the started younger man, Roy pushed off one of his hands and sat up against the headboard, pulling Edward along with him.
Grabbing his naked shoulders, Roy kissed him on the mouth again, though this time, more softly. Edward was tense in his lap, his naked torso exposed even under the cover of darkness. Roy could only imagine the turmoil going on inside his head; he was probably afraid Roy had simply forgotten that he was half metal, that his shoulder was cold to the touch, that the moment Roy remembered, the intimacy would be ruined.
All of that was Roy’s fault, and he refused to love only half of Ed, even if Ed thought that’s what he wanted. Pulling on his braid, Roy tilted Ed’s head upward, kissing and sucking his way down his neck, his path heading for the metal arm. Again, Ed tensed, though he didn’t speak, just waited for what-it seemed he thought-was the impending downfall of the arm.
A sudden thought occurred to Roy, though, as he reached the crook of Ed’s neck and headed for the lining of skin and metal; did that area hurt? Were those scars painful? And-an even worser thought occurred to him-if they were indeed painful, had Ed been trying to actually physically protect himself from Roy touching him there? Was this whole ordeal about trust actually just inside his head?
“Ed. We need to talk.” Because truthfully, they did. He had never tried to touch Ed’s scarring, and in light of recent events, the amount Roy knew about the automail was painfully limited and scarce. It was clear as day that there was an issue, but to what extent and where the blame laid-Roy didn’t know.
“You’re breaking the rules, k’now…” Ed breathed, his voice labored and thick. Roy chuckled; his fetish for talking during sex had long since gone unfilled as Ed had been insistent that they not talk while ‘doing it’. But regardless, the blond did hear the seriousness in his voice, for he too stopped his unnoticed caresses to Roy’s neck and sternum.
“I…I want to touch your scarring,” he said quietly, not really entirely sure if the wording came out right. He suspected Ed might take a little offense at his choice of words, though there were no prettier words to be said about it.
Edward outwardly flinched in his lap, going as far as to slide several inches back from him on Roy’s legs. “No uh…you don’t need to do that,” Edward said quickly, hurriedly, like the thought was fire on his skin. Ed’s hands immediately pulled away from Roy, wrapping unconsciously around himself as if to shield his upper nudity.
Roy was quick to act, though. He immediately bent his knees sharply, forcing Ed to scoot back towards him as he embraced the young man’s body, closing Ed’s own arms around himself like a straight jacket. But he wasn’t trying to trap Edward, even if his actions said otherwise.
“I want to touch them…unless-are they painful?” He was speaking gently now, Ed’s forehead pressed into his shoulder as he smoothed his palms against Edward’s back and spine. The automail arm was pressing into his naked sternum; it was cold, though he made no mention of it because he didn’t care so long as Edward was happy and safe in his arms.
“…no, they don’t hurt…,” Edward mumbled. His voice was so very quiet, and Roy, for a second, thought that he was being lied to. But he decided to drop that line of thought in favor of more questioning, because he was going to get the truth out regardless.
“Then why don’t you want me to touch you there?”
Edward didn’t respond at first, instead keeping his forehead pressed against Roy’s shoulder. His back was stiff, a sure sign that whatever had him quiet was stressing him out; Roy began to massage the shoulder blades, taking his time to work out the tenseness as he waited for Edward to speak.
When Edward finally did speak, it was hushed, quiet even against a room filled with shallow breathing and silence. Roy leaned his head forward, resting his chin on Ed’s shoulder as he listened, his heart twisting in his chest as he did so.
“I just want to be normal,” he breathed quietly. “I just-I want to pretend that I’m not me-that I don’t-that I’m not…” Edward trailed off, but Roy immediately saw the word he had refused to say. Disfigured. It left Roy cold, knowing that after all these years, Edward still felt bad about his body.
He tightened his grip on Edward’s back, pushing him closer to his chest, as if that act alone would shield him from the pain. All the while, Edward continued on.
“And besides, you wouldn’t want to touch there anyway. I mean, I only do it when I’m showering-and it feels weird as fuck. Nothing sexy about it.” A harsh chuckle escaped his throat, and Roy wondered if perhaps he was threading a thin line between laughing and sobbing. He had no idea Edward felt so strongly about it-which is why it was important he rid him of that thought as soon as he could.
Sighing quietly, Roy ran a finger down Ed’s back all the way down to the waistline of his boxers. Edward’s legs were pressed against the sides of his torso-one flesh, one metal. He didn’t seem distressed about that at all-and in fact, he had virtually no qualms with Roy removing his boxers when the time came. Yet, when the leg was broken…Edward had completely shut down, not wanting to communicate or nothing. So then…what was the correlation, if not that Edward didn’t trust him, then…?
It suddenly clicked for Roy, and he nearly startled when he realized it. It was not that Ed didn’t trust him, because if he hadn’t, Edward wouldn’t have ever come to his place in the first place. It was the act of trying to appear competent, normal, able to do everything that everyone else could-that was the true issue. Even as a twelve-year-old, fresh in the military…Edward had always conveyed himself in that manner, going to great lengths to hide the automail and do adult things that should’ve been well beyond his means.
It made sense, then, that this trait would carry over to the bedroom. The leg was practically a nonissue; he wasn’t a ‘foot-person’, so to speak, and he hardly ever grabbed anywhere lower than Ed’s upper thighs. It made sense that it didn’t bother him in this situation-he didn’t need it. But it had bothered him when it was broken and he couldn’t walk. Walking was a part of daily living, and the fact that it had so suddenly broken, leaving him stranded-it would’ve definitely have been a hard pill to swallow, especially around his lover.
Was that it, then? Edward didn’t want to feel embarrassed around him? Or…was it shame he felt? Shame in his abilities, his injuries, his body…
“Edward…you don’t have to hide from me,” he whispered quietly, his hands pressed against Ed’s warm lower back. “If I didn’t want you-all of you-you wouldn’t be in my bed right now, sitting on my lap.”
When Edward didn’t reply, Roy continued. “I don’t think any less of you because of the automail. In fact-I admire you more because of it. You’re the only person alive that I know could withstand such a thing, at such a young age-and still move forward and help others. You’re…amazing…and you deserve to feel love-automail in all. Please…don’t hide from me…”
Edward was silent for a little while, giving Roy no sign on whether or not he had heard. Roy vaguely wondered if perhaps he had put him to sleep with the way he was circling his fingers on Ed’s ribs and breathing warm air down his neck-but then, Edward moved. He pushed back against Roy, pressing his palms into the mattress, looking to get up…and Roy felt like everything had been lost.
But Edward didn’t get up. He sat there a moment, sitting on Roy’s lap, his face hidden by the darkness. Then he spoke.
“Okay.”
His voice was quiet and withdrawn, yet Roy could also detect the faintest glimpse of hope behind it. Edward was nervous, he was sure Roy would be disgusted by it…but a small part of him must’ve also wanted to believe that Roy wouldn’t be, that Roy would be true to his words and love him just the same as before.
Breathing in slowly, Roy grabbed Ed’s chin with his left hand and kissed him, a welcome familiarity in this new situation. Edward responded by parting his lips, letting Roy do what he wanted to his mouth. All the while, Roy let his right hand come back to Ed’s front, pressing lightly against the tanned skin of his abdominal before he reached what he knew was the start of the scarring.
Keeping Edward occupied, Roy lightly touched the skin there. Ed had been right; the skin was mangled and twisted and raised in such a way that Roy had no doubt must’ve been extremely painful when it was new. But the sole fact that Ed was allowing it to happen, that he was trusting him with his vulnerability-Roy couldn’t help but love him all that much more.
Breaking their kiss, Roy made a nosedive for the skin around the top of his shoulder. He kissed it softly at first, listening for any protest from Edward before he continued. Ed’s breathing was shallow and short, a sign that it must have been somewhat pleasant, if not, at least not unbearable. He didn’t dare break the new silence between them though; words paled in comparison to action, and he wasn’t one to back down from a task in any case.
Taking his time, he licked and sucked his way along the scarring, taking a great deal of pleasure when a breathy moan escaped Ed’s lips. Anytime Ed voiced his approval-be it with a moan or a gasp or a kiss-the alpha male in Roy became aggressive, wanting that much more to love and dominate the figure on his lap. Excitement coursed through his veins like adrenaline, pushing him on until there was nothing left but tired bodies and messy sheets, all twisted with love and lust and everything Roy had always wanted in his life.
Only Edward was more. He was life and sin mixed into one, a figure at odds with nature who fought to keep nature in balance, as paradoxical as it seemed. And he was something that Roy would never give up, no matter how wrong or right it was. Because he was selfish beyond belief, and he knew that nobody deserved Edward-not even him. And nobody would love Edward like he would, nobody would see the young man as the beautiful and perfect person that he was. Because he was perfect, mangled scars and all, and as Roy sat there hours later, playing with the yellow strands of gold clutching his chest-he knew that there was absolutely no shame in the truth of it.
None at all.
Fake cut @ fandomwords100 & steelandsparks