emo fgt rambling

Apr 05, 2007 00:41

It's one of those nights.

Y'know, I thought that I'd escaped the ridiculous bouts of feeling sorry for myself. I thought I was past the preference of my own company to that of other people. I thought that, for once, I could feel good about where my life was headed.

Apparently, I'm wrong again.

I find myself fending off depression with withdrawal laced with vicious responses to even the most innocent teasing from those I consider friends. I find myself wishing I had never made a move to better my position in life. In short, I find myself falling into the same tired old patterns, and once again, I find that I can see no proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Granted, it's hard for anyone to convince themselves that things will get better when things keep seeming to get worse, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. As if the causes (or at least the triggers) of my depression weren't enough frustration.

It's stupid shit, too. I'm not in high school anymore; why do I still struggle with the same childish bullshit?

Maybe it's the fact that for the first time in years, I actually am interacting with people in the real world rather than building my relationships on instant messages and emoticons. It's an exercise in contradictions, or so it seems. I love who I am, but in the same instant, I feel like I can't even compete with anyone I meet as far as being interesting or funny or anything that would make people want to be around me. I resolve to be more responsible, but when the time comes, I slide back to being passive and leaving things until the last possible minute.

I guess I never realized how immature I am until I was put in a position to have to take care of myself.
Previous post Next post
Up
[]