PART 11 OVERFLOW
DURARARA!! KINK MEME PT.11 OVERFLOW
This post is only for new and continuing fics from part 11! Please do not post new requests here.
ATTN all authors moving fics to this part:
Please put the original URL to your request somewhere in the first part of the fic, just so people a) know what it's for and b) to make things easier for russia_sushi-tachi. Thank you ( Read more... )
This post is only for new and continuing fics from part 11! Please do not post new requests here.
ATTN all authors moving fics to this part:
Please put the original URL to your request somewhere in the first part of the fic, just so people a) know what it's for and b) to make things easier for russia_sushi-tachi. Thank you ( Read more... )
Shizuo doesn’t start to feel panicked until he finds himself alone and unsupported in the empty elevator of Orihara Izaya’s apartment building. It’s only in the informant’s absence that his mind finds space to wander, after all, and even wandering it endlessly returns to dwell on the glow of his touch and his voice and gentle words.
It keeps reminding him just how much he’ll miss that in the long hours standing between himself and more of Izaya.
His mind coasts along at eighty miles an hour.
It was a long walk last night, and as tired and achy as Shizuo still is, he’s sure to be really late no matter how fast he tries to limp his way back to the bar - which is another thing he can’t stop thinking about, actually, the fact that pain is the price for this, that loyalty is impossible and that he’s pathetic pitiful and an idiot for willingly relying on his enemy like this.
It’s going to hurt. Every moment of physical and mental agony is going to be another moment spent yearning for smug smirks and Izaya’s strong presence. That longing won’t take the pain away while it’s happening - won’t even slow it down or make it tolerable, really - but it’s probably the only thing that’s gonna keep Shizuo sane.
Never mind that that in itself is a frightening prospect - the fact that he really does feel like he needs to worry about his own mental stability. He’s fucked it up so bad already that there’s just no way things’ll ever turn out well and that terrifies him.
When he finally has to stop to buy himself another pack of calm-down-breathe-deep-and-forget cigarettes, his hands are shaking so much that he drops his wallet the second he manages to get it out of his pocket.
“Shit,” he hisses, bending over to pick it up and the old guy waiting for him asks him if he’s okay - drunk, maybe, he guesses and Shizuo probably doesn’t have half as much control over the steadiness of his voice as he’d like to so he doesn’t bother arguing.
He pays. He keeps walking.
It’s cold out today, too, but the mid-morning sun - been a little while, hasn’t it - has plenty of people out on the streets. It’s not enough to increase Shizuo’s anxiety by a whole lot, but it certainly doesn’t help a damn thing. He attracts more attention the farther he gets - not more than usual even now, maybe, but there are rumors going around and people are curious.
Can’t he fight anymore? Did he finally get over that temper of his? Is he sick or hurt or struggling with something else entirely?
“Shizuo - hey! Shizuo!”
That voice…
He feels himself pale as he turns to face it and the happily surprised smile he knows is gonna be there to match. White and breathless and that damn shaking that just won’t stop, he wants to run but that’s not even an option.
Not just because he couldn’t hope to get away, but also because he could never do that to Tom-san.
“It was what now?” Tom wonders, wide-eyed and leaning close to catch a repeat of Shizuo’s hastily-delivered explanation.
Shizuo takes a deep breath and focuses hard on letting it go slowly. He’ll fly off the handle again if he doesn’t work hard not to, after all, and besides that he needs a minute to collect his thoughts for a second attempt.
Reply
“I mean…” he starts, but his voice cracks and he has to glare frustratedly down at the table until he can be sure that his boss won’t go out of his way to ask for him to try talking again.
Tom doesn’t, just waits and doesn’t even have to try to look coolly concerned. Friendly. No pressure.
Shizuo can’t fight. He’s not over his temper. He’s not even sick or hurt or anything like that, but he is an idiot and that’s pretty much what counts. He’s losing his dangerous reputation, after all, and that coupled with pure inability is already making this job less and less plausible. It’s his fault because he chose it and he’s almost too weak to admit it to one of the people who most need to know.
He’s already starting to hate himself, honestly, but every step of this whole ordeal seems to have come with a strict ‘no take-backs’ policy. As things stand now, it’s all he can do to put forth his best effort as everything cracks and crumbles around him. It’s all he can do not to make the damage worse - and that’s minus the strength he’s always been so accustomed to having.
“Look, I… I kinda took Shinra up on something - like, a medicine - I guess, only it made me…”
He pauses. Struggles. Tom-san eyes him calmly, but now there’s a slight crease between his eyebrows that indicates less serenity and more confusion.
Shizuo reaches up to bat at the air as he glances away. “Sorry,” he mutters. “Didn’t mean to make it such a big deal…”
Tom smiles sympathetically. “Don’t worry about it, Shizuo. You know it wouldn’t even be a problem if it didn’t have so much to do with work. I mean, I sort of feel bad asking.”
Shizuo nods, but he doesn’t quite dare to look back up at his sempai. Swallowing hard so that it actually hurts his throat a little, he manages to repeat one of his earlier confessions - the ones said fast and quiet enough that he could hope that Tom hadn’t heard or understood the words.
“I - I can’t fight anymore.”
Tom’s frown is evident in his voice, but Shizuo finally turns back to see it, anyway. “You know you don’t have to fight.”
“I can’t protect you,” Shizuo tries. “And - it doesn’t matter. No one’ll take me serious…”
“Why would -”
“My strength,” Shizuo interrupts. “It’s gone, Tom-san. I - I can’t - dammit, I don’t even know, I just -”
Tom chuckles - and that’s why Shizuo stops talking, of course, because laughter isn’t at all like what he’s been waiting for - before leaning way back in his chair.
By extension, it’s like he’s also moving away from Shizuo.
“That’s almost too hard to believe, y’know - even for you.”
“Sorry,” Shizuo states again.
Tom shakes his head as he reaches up to adjust his glasses. “I won’t say I understand, but I can’t exactly complain.”
Shizuo desperately wants to look away again, but he resists just long enough to ask Tom what he means by not understanding.
“Well, you’ve lived with that for a long time, haven’t you? Guess I would’ve assumed that you’d know by now just how much you needed it to get by.”
Seeing the dejected look on his kohai’s face as he gradually soaks up the implication of what he’s just said, Tom sighs and leans close again. “Look, don’t worry about it, really. I’ll definitely miss having you around, but I doubt anyone could blame you for wanting out of all that…”
All that - what, like worrying about breaking people and things and all the fear and enemies and loneliness?
“I should’ve thought it through more. I can’t even pretend that I didn’t think it was gonna work…”
“Still sounds pretty improbable to me,” Tom decides, and then he grins amiably. “Y’know, there might be something else for you - filing papers or something, I mean.”
It’s Shizuo’s turn to laugh, albeit somewhat forlornly.
Reply
“Nah, but thanks, anyway…”
It doesn’t suit him, he says. That’s all.
Uneasy, not tense but vaguely nostalgic and riddled with regret. They’re breaking up a routine and a friendship that’s already stuttered to a near stop once. It feels like no going back now, though, and every word either of them forces out from that moment on is nothing more than a just-heard whispering of too much too fast and -
- and it’s gone.
When Tom-san smiles and waves and tells Shizuo that they’ll have to meet up again sometime, the blonde gets this sinking feeling (like he’d like to drown, really would but he can’t do that despite the fact that he’s been sinking slowly for a while now) in his stomach and doesn’t answer loudly enough to be heard even by himself.
Shizuo slows to an obedient stop as the older man joins him at a jog. He looks so left-behind, Shizuo thinks, but that’s only because he’s so obviously and completely oblivious to everything that’s gone on with Shizuo. It’s been too long, too many days of routinized despair and Tom’s not a part of that in Shizuo’s mind. He’s an alien presence, a calm one. Normal.
It’s almost impossible to imagine Tom imagining Shizuo as being at least as content as he was before. In Tom’s mind, the blonde could even be happy now - no property damage, no unwanted fights or suspicion. Good job, good friends, freedom. Relaxation.
Everything Shizuo wanted and thought he could have when he said yes months ago.
Even Shinra has some vague notions. Even Celty…
And then there’s Izaya.
Shizuo banishes that last thought with a brisk shake of his head before Tom has a chance to do anything more than clap a hand to his shoulder. The blonde even manages to catch himself before he lets the pain of the light blow show on his face - bruises everywhere, after all, and if he was sore last night he’s practically dying now.
Tom raises an eyebrow at him.
“Tired? Should I assume that means you found another job?”
Shizuo shrugs and stares down at the pavement in front of both of them. He starts walking again, too, and Tom follows without a second thought.
Why’s it starting to feel like no one’s ever willing to leave Shizuo alone anymore?
And - well, it’s not that he wants that, no, but it’s like - and he doesn’t really wanna think about it, either, but -
- it’s just -
- that he might not actually deserve the attention?
He shivers. “Good seeing you again,” he whispers, but his voice wavers and he can feel the familiar threat of tears hanging over him and sticking in his throat.
Tom shifts his attention back up from the street - he’s been staring off in that direction for a while, not because he’s preoccupied but because he’s just that good at being casually aloof - to look directly at Shizuo. He’s frowning again, but this time he doesn’t say anything for another several beats of shoes tapping pavement and the soft rustling of clothing.
Then - “You really don’t look good, man. Sure you’re doing okay?”
Shizuo shakes his head. “Guess not,” he admits, but he’s quick to add, “not your fault, though. I just - y’know, ‘m tired. Like you said.”
Tom’s response - ‘right’ - is appropriately sarcastic and disturbingly well-timed. Shizuo knows just how transparent he is, but that doesn’t make the shock any less when his boss stares right up and into him, all determined to know and determined to help and it’s pointless.
“Sorry,” he hears himself rasping, and again - “Sorry.”
“You say that too much, you know?” Tom notes, and Shizuo is reminded again of their last meeting.
Reply
He doesn’t think of it as a great parting - not even good, really, and definitely not anything to be remembered fondly. The thing about that, though, is that it was still a kind of closure. It was an ending, and from there Tom could have gone on knowing nothing of Shizuo’s eventual fate. He’d’ve remembered Shizuo as purely weak and devoid of the will he used to have, but at least it wouldn’t’ve been as bad as this.
Shizuo doesn’t want to be seen like this any more than he wants Tom-san to have to see it.
“I - I haffta go,” he says.
Tom’s frown deepens. “Mind if I walk with you a bit? Hate to say it, Shizuo, but you’ve kinda got me worried.”
Shizuo shakes his head wildly from side to side. The movement hurts.
“Leaving,” he reiterates. “Maybe later.”
He abandons Tom like that, stunned into stillness with a hand extended in the blonde’s general direction. He looks more hurt than anything else, and Shizuo doesn’t blame him for a goddam second.
Reply
So much into Shizuo's feeling, he really has awful sefl-steem -.- And unfortunately, Tom finding him is not... really working but instead making him feel worse.
And just Shizuo's job...
Reply
Leave a comment