A Serious Man 1
anonymous
April 2 2010, 08:32:17 UTC
AN: First anon here reporting for duty. I know there's already an amazing amazing fill that's epically epic. But this called to me, you see. It called to me. So, let's do this. Two fills for same request. Fuck yeah! That hasn't been done in forever!!
Also, sorry Coen brothers. ;_;
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"I've always tried to be a serious man!" Shizuo sobbed into Celty's breasts. She comfortingly stroked his hair. He was sandwiched inbetween Celty and Shinra on their sofa.
"It's okay, Shizuo. It's okay." Shinra hugged the blonde's back tightly.
"I raised the kids well! I don't cheat on my skank wife! I quit smoking! I work two fucking jobs to pay for this family!" It was hard to talk while your mouth was pressed against Celty's tits. Somehow, though, he managed it, "I never yell at my kids and I love them so much and...I... I just...!" He started crying again.
"These things happen, Shizuo. Just let it all out, let it out..."
"'We're here for you!'" Celty typed.
"How could he do this to me!?" He sobbed.
"What exactly... did he do?" Shinra asked. "Start from the beginning."
"'But stop if it gets too painful!'" Celty added.
"Earlier this morning I was preparing the kids' breakfast and lunch like I always do because I'm a loving parent!"
-TIME WARP DISTORTION FLASHBACK THING-
Shizuo was in a hurry. Which was the norm around the Heiwajima household. "Ahh... Dad, you just put mayo in my peanut butter sandwich..." Mikado pointed out.
"Dad!" Anri shouted from upstairs.
"What!?"
"Kida won't come out of the bathroom! He says he has to look fabulous so he can woo Mikado!"
"I told you all! No incest in the Heiwajima house!" Shizuo shouted.
"Um, Dad... you just put peanut butter in the-..." Mikado was cut off.
"Shizu-chan!" Izaya stomped down the stairs, "Stop ignoring me!"
"...applesauce..." Mikado's mother was completely naked.
"Izaya! What the-...!? I told you to put on clothes when you're around the kids!"
Izaya scoffed, "Why should I cover this gorgeous body with clothes!? Really, they came out of this body, its perfectly normal if they feel attracted to it. Or so says Freud. Are you attracted to Mommy's sexy body, Mikado-kun~!?" He placed a sloppy kiss on the boy's cheek.
"Ah...not really.. how exactly did you give birth to me again...?"
"Don't ask silly questions, baby." Izaya ran his fingers through Mikado's hair.
"Put some fucking clothes on, Izaya!" Mustard was flung into the pudding.
"Language, Shizu-chan!" Izaya covered Mikado's ears, "Stop trying to taint the only innocent child we have left! Also, I need to talk to you."
"I'm not really..." Mikado was cut off.
"I'm not talking to you until you put some fucking clothes on!" Grape jelly suddenly found itself in the bottle of mayo.
"...innocent." He finished.
"But it's important!" Izaya whined and stomped his feet.
A Serious Man 2/?
anonymous
April 2 2010, 08:35:34 UTC
"Mom!" Kida ran down the stairs, "I told Anri to put on a bra because she looks like a slut and she told me 'atleast I have tits to put in a bra'! Can I please get breasts!? Even a padded bra! Please, please, please! Dad keeps saying no because he's a motherfucker!"
"Yes, yes." Izaya nodded, "He is. And of course you can get a padded bra."
"Boys do not have breasts in my house! And watch your language! Hey...Kida! Are you listening to me!?" Kida was, infact, not listening to his father. He was too busy trying to get a morning kiss from his brother who laughed and tried to innocently push him away.
"Awww, so cute. Incest~!" Izaya cooed.
"What the-...!? No incest in this house!" Shizuo seperated the two.
"But Mom said I should keep it in the family! Like Dad!" Kida whined.
"Don't listen to your skank mother. She's a skank. And I...I don't do that!" Shizuo blushed.
"Speaking of keeping it in the family and me being a skank..."
"Mom! Kida told me to put on a bra and I said no and then he said this is why Mikado is gay 'cause you're such a slut! Oh, you're naked." Anri said when she reached the last step.
"Since when am I gay..?"
"You are a slut, sweetie. But you have great tits, so..." Izaya pat her on the head, "So it all works out in the end."
"No sluts and no incest in this house! Anri-chan, you aren't a slut. You're my little girl."
"Shizu-chan, I really need to talk to you!"
"Can it wait!?"
"That's my bacon, slut!" Anri and Kida began to fight.
"No, it's mine, fag!"
"Ah.... there's a lot of bacon, guys..."
"No fighting, kids!"
"Shizu-chan, I'm leaving you."
"WHAT!?" The two continued to fight in the background. Izaya's words echoed in his head.
"I'm leaving you for Simon!"
"For...Simon? Russia Sushi Simon?"
"Yes." Izaya nodded, "I love him. I think you should move out."
"This is my house! I paid for it! And why Simon!?"
"He gives me fatty tuna and has a big black co-..." Shizuo slapped his hand over Izaya's mouth.
"What was Mom going to say?" Mikado asked.
"Uhh...uhh.. cosplay!" Kida saved.
"Yeah, that's it. Time to go, Mikado.." Anri said. The two of them ushered him out the door. Without their lunches.
"Big black cosplay..?" The door closed behind him.
-TIME WARP DISTORTION TO PRESENT-
"'*gasp* That's horrible!'" Celty typed.
"He's leaving you for Simon?" Shinra asked just to clarify.
"'What is Izaya thinking!?'" Shizuo read Celty's message with teary eyes.
"I don't know!" Shizuo cried, "I know he's a slut and that's just a part of him I have to accept but is he really going to leave me!?"
"When did he say you have to move out?"
"I told him I wouldn't move out so he said Simon is moving in with us tomorrow..."
A Serious Man 3/?
anonymous
April 2 2010, 08:41:00 UTC
"Shizu-chan! Where have you been!?" Izaya with his hands on his hips was the first thing Shizuo saw as soon as he stepped into his house.
"Work."
"Oh... well, I'm hungry! When's dinner!?"
"What!? I told you dinner was on the stove! And what the fuck are you wearing!?" Izaya was wearing some sort of red mini dress. He looked like a slut.
"Don't I look hot~?" He asked while twirling around.
"No. You look like a two dollar whore."
Izaya gasped, "That's way too expensive!" Shizuo facepalmed.
"Don't walk away from me, Shizu-chan!"
"I just got home." He said and turned on the faucet to drown out the sound of Izaya. And to do dishes.
"Don't ignore me, Shizu-chan!"
"Can't hear you."
"This is why I'm leaving you for Simon!"
"Did you say something?" Izaya slid next to him, his lips pressed against Shizuo's ear, hand lasciviously curling around the blonde's crotch. He squeezed.
"Shizu-chan looks so sexy in his suit." His tongue ran down Shizuo's neck.
"St-stop! You're leaving me for Simon!" Shizuo gripped the sink in both of his hands.
"That's not a reason why we can't fuck, though." He smirked against the skin of Shizuo's neck, "Or why I can't do this." Izaya's hand slid into Shizuo's pants and past the fabric of his boxers.
"Stop." Shizuo hissed. Izaya's warm hand curled around his cock.
"So hard~" Izaya exaggerated a throaty gasp into his ear. Shizuo shuddered. His slutty wife slowly began to pump him.
A Serious Man 4/?
anonymous
April 2 2010, 08:44:40 UTC
"Okay.” Anri pulled a struggling Mikado into the kitchen, hands covering his ears. They sat at the table.
“I'm not-...we're not...stop that, Izaya!” Izaya was licking Shizuo off of his hand with a sly smirk.
“Why? It tastes delicious.”
“Dad's cooking is delicious.” Mikado said with a nod. Kida giggled.
“Mi~ka~do-kun is just so cute~!” He pulled him into a half-hug and started groping him.
“Kida, stop! I want to fondle Mikado-kun too!” Anri tried to reach for them across the table. Kida pulled Mikado away.
“Mine!” Kida flipped her off.
“Ah...umm..guys...”
“No fondling your brother at the dinner table!” Shizuo cut Mikado off.
“Kida must take after Shizu-chan.” Izaya said and sat down at the table, “With the incest and all.”
“WHAT!?”
“Dad fondled Uncle Kasuka?” Kida asked.
“Yes! All the time!” Izaya chirped.
“N-no, Dad did not!” Shizuo slammed the plates on the table, nearly breaking them.
“Uncle Kasuka is hot.” Anri said with a nod, “I'd tap that.”
“Anri-chan!” Shizuo shrieked.
“Shizu-chan's been there, done that.” Izaya said.
“Umm, guys... can we just eat? I'm really hungry...”
“You can eat me, Mikado-kun~!” Kida crawled onto Mikado's lap and began taking off his own clothes.
“Kida, stop! I want Mikado to eat me too!” Anri cried.
“Ahh...umm...”
“Yay~ Family orgy!” Izaya giggled.
“No! What!? No incest at dinner! No family orgies or orgies ever!” Shizuo pulled Kida off of Mikado, “Kida, put your clothes on! We're going to eat dinner like a normal family.”
Kida sighed and sat back down in his chair, “Why are you such a motherfucker Dad!?” Izaya giggled.
“Watch your language!” Shizuo was quickly becoming one of those guys that sell their families on ebay, “Now eat your food!”
“Hypocrite.” Izaya muttered under his breath and took a quick bite.
“What did you say!?”
“I said you're a hypocrite.”
“Am not! And Anri-chan takes after you cause she's a huge slut! No offense, Anri-chan.”
“None taken.” She nodded.
Izaya gasped, “No! Mikado clearly takes after me. Since I'm so sweet and innocent. The only thing Anri and I have in comment is our really big tits.” Shizuo laughed out loud. Uncontrollable laughter seized his entire body.
“Don't laugh! It's true!”
“Um, none of us take after either of you..” Mikado said inbetween bites.
“Mikado has a point! How the hell do I know if these are your kids are not!?”
“Because you're such a slut? I know.” Shizuo finished for him.
“No! I mean because I'm so fucking sexy and desirable!”
“Um... I actually meant that there's no way Mom could have given birth to us. Mom is a guy.”
“What did you say about me!?” Izaya cried out.
“That you're a guy...?” Izaya broke down into tears.
“Nine months I carried you in my stomach just to have you treat me like this!? Ungrateful child!” He continued to sob, “Do you know how many stretch marks I had? Well, do you!?”
“Mom, don't cry!” Anri hugged her Mother.
“Mikado is so sexy when he makes Mom cry.” Kida remarked and sent the other boy suggestive looks.
“I...ummm... sorry, Mom.” He whispered and then blushed at Kida.
“Good work, Mikado-kun!” Shizuo praised him.
“Fuck you, Shizuo! I fucking hate you!” Izaya threw his plate against the wall. They all winced, save Shizuo, “This is why Simon is a better man than you'll ever be! This is why I'm leaving you!” He stood up and pushed all of their plates off the table.
“Mom is leaving Dad...?” Mikado asked, leaning backwards casually. This was a normal occurrence in the Heiwajima house.
“Stop being such a drama queen, Izaya!”
“FUCK YOU!” He shrieked, “I gave up my fur jacket for you...I...I..!” He fell down to his knees and sobbed.
A Serious Man 5/?
anonymous
April 2 2010, 08:48:21 UTC
“You didn't give up your fur jacket for me! You fucked some homeless guy during our honeymoon in Mexico and he stole it.”
“Don't bring Edmundo into this!” His voice was a high shrill, “I do everything for you! And this is what I get!?”
“What the fuck do you do for me!? You watch dramas all day and only go out for a fuck or pocky or new shoes. Usually, all three.”
“Look at this!” He laughed, insanely, “Look at this, kids! Look at your father judge me!”
“Look at this, kids!” Shizuo said, “Look at your slut mother be a slut and whine!” The doorbell rang.
“Uh...I'll get that...” Mikado quickly ran out. Kida and Anri were getting pudding cups out of the refrigerator and watching their parents fight while making comments.
“This is when Mom pushes Dad down on the floor and rides his cock.” Kida said.
“No, no. That's later. This is when Mom says she wishes she never offered to suck him off after third period.” Anri said.
“I wish I never offered to suck you off after third period! I hate you, you stupid fuck!”
“Aw, fuck you, slut.” Kida sighed.
“Uncle Kasuka, they're all in here.” Mikado led the younger Heiwajima into the kitchen.
Kasuka grabbed Mikado's chin and stared at him for a few seconds, “Hmmm...” was all he said.
“Umm...?” He let the boy go. Kasuka sidestepped around the pieces of broken plate and Izaya and Shizuo. He did the same thing to Anri and then Kida.
“Izaya...” He said.
“What!?”
“Oh, Kasuka,” Shizuo finally noticed him, “Why are you here?”
“Had some time off. When are you getting pregnant again, Izaya?” His expression was as dull as ever as he stared at Izaya expectantly.
“Huh? Dunno.”
“Why does Uncle Kasuka want Mom to get pregnant?” Mikado asked him.
“Because I want the next baby to look like Shizuo.”
“Why would...why would you want Mom to have a baby that looks like Dad?”
“Because I want to have sex with it.” Kasuka deadpanned.
Kida and Anri choked on their pudding.
“See! This is what I was saying! Heiwajima incest!” Izaya cried out, “Shizu-chan fondled Kasuka all the time!”
“Shizuo fondled me?” Kasuka cocked his head to the side, “No, he didn't.”
“Oh, that's a relief.” Mikado finally exhaled.
“I was the one doing the fondling.”
“Ah...n-no! No fondling, I swear!” Shizuo ushered Kasuka out the kitchen and toward the door, “And I'm sure Kasuka meant he wants to know the sex of the baby! You know, sex as in gender? Haha.” He managed a weak laugh.
“No, I meant I want to fuck it.”
“As in put my penis in its asshole.” Kasuka continued, “Or vagina.”
“Night, Kasuka! Thanks for stopping by! Call me some time!” He slammed the door in his brother's face.
Re: A Serious Man 5/?
anonymous
April 3 2010, 19:07:29 UTC
Anon from the first fic is rolling on the floor laughing. Izaya gave up his fur jacket for Shizuo! Oh dear. Why is trolling Shizuo so absolutely hilarious
A Serious Man 6/?
anonymous
April 26 2010, 08:55:57 UTC
A/N: Sorry!! Exams and stuff. Just wanted you guys to know I didn't abandon this or any of my other fills etc. ----------
"Simon, my love! Come in!" Izaya quickly embraced and kissed his lover infront of his husband, Shizuo, and the kids. Shizuo grimaced.
"Shizuo-san, its been long time!" The Russian man embraced Shizuo and kissed him on both cheeks, "You should stop by Russia Sushi sometime!"
"Sure..." He tried to escape the man's hold. Once free, he said, "Can I talk to you, Izaya?" Shizuo looked at him, Izaya returned his gaze looking somewhat expectant, "In private?" Shizuo added.
"Shizu-chan, anything you have to say, you can say infront of my soulmate!"
Shizuo nearly facepalmed. "I want to talk to you about that STD you gave me."
"Umm... we'll be in the kitchen, sweetheart." Izaya blew a kiss at Simon and winked before following Shizuo out of the room.
"How the fuck can you let him live in our and house and kiss him infront of our kids!?" Their voices drifted from the kitchen.
"What I do in my own damn house is none of your business, Shizu-chan! Stop being jealous!" Mikado flashed Simon an awkward smile.
"I'm not fucking je-.... what!? It is my business! Its my damn house too!"
"Kids, hello! You like Russia Sushi, right!? Want some coupons? Of course you do!" Simon gave a hearty laugh, "You must be Kiddo! Hello!" He handed Kida a coupon.
"Free sushi coupon! Thanks! You're better than our real dad!" Simon laughed.
"One for you, Annie."
"Th-thanks.." She blushed.
"And one for you, Mikael."
"Um... my name is Mikado."
"Yes, yes! That is what I say! Mikael!"
"Mikad-... forget it. So, what do you like about our Mother?"
"Ah, your Mother is a wonderful woman. She loves sushi like me and gives excellent head!"
Mikado blushed and chose to ignore the last part, "Um.... you know that she's male, right?"
"Nonsense! How else could she have birthed you?"
"She didn't..."
Simon laughed once more and then ruffled Mikado's hair, "You must be the dumb one."
Shizuo tossed and turned on the sofa. The ceiling thumped wildly. "That's it, little sushi girl! Take that cock!" He needed better walls.
"SIMON, I'M GONNA---MMMPPPHHHHHHH..!"
"You are not going nowhere, sushi girl! Take that otoro in your mouth! Ahhhh, that's good! You like fish, slut!?"
Shizuo pressed the pillow against his ear harder. However, he still heard Simon say, "What about cream!?"
"Russia Sushi secret sauce!"
"Dad, move over! I need to watch tv!" Kida pushed his father's legs over the sofa so he had room.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! I'm the little girl! I'm the little girl!" Shizuo heard Izaya yell, "Give me more otoro, sir!"
Kida laughed at his stupid fucking show. "Shit's so funny!" Shizuo couldn't even be fucked to tell him to watch his language.
"I'll fertilize your eggs, goldfish slut!" Simon shouted.
"Oh my God, that's so funny!" Kida beat the cushions with his fist in his raucous rapture.
"I'm your dolphin bitch! Yesssssss!"
"You know, Dad, I'm rooting for you." Kida said.
"I want all your ink inside me, squid monster!"
"If you give me fifty bucks and let me fuck Mikado." He added. When Shizuo closed his eyes, he was walking out the door, a trail of gasoline behind him. He lit a match. It dropped. He could practically hear Izaya scream while burning to death. Then he realized Izaya was screaming but for something completely different. Shizuo got up, threw his pillow at Kida and grabbed his keys from the coffee table.
"Hey, fuck you, asshole!" Kida exclaimed when the pillow came in contact with his face, "I just said I was rooting for you! No need to be a stuck up cunt."
The last thing Shizuo heard before slamming the door behind him was, "Simon, I think we just killed all the fish in the tank!"
Also, sorry Coen brothers. ;_;
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"I've always tried to be a serious man!" Shizuo sobbed into Celty's breasts. She comfortingly stroked his hair. He was sandwiched inbetween Celty and Shinra on their sofa.
"It's okay, Shizuo. It's okay." Shinra hugged the blonde's back tightly.
"I raised the kids well! I don't cheat on my skank wife! I quit smoking! I work two fucking jobs to pay for this family!" It was hard to talk while your mouth was pressed against Celty's tits. Somehow, though, he managed it, "I never yell at my kids and I love them so much and...I... I just...!" He started crying again.
"These things happen, Shizuo. Just let it all out, let it out..."
"'We're here for you!'" Celty typed.
"How could he do this to me!?" He sobbed.
"What exactly... did he do?" Shinra asked. "Start from the beginning."
"'But stop if it gets too painful!'" Celty added.
"Earlier this morning I was preparing the kids' breakfast and lunch like I always do because I'm a loving parent!"
-TIME WARP DISTORTION FLASHBACK THING-
Shizuo was in a hurry. Which was the norm around the Heiwajima household. "Ahh... Dad, you just put mayo in my peanut butter sandwich..." Mikado pointed out.
"Dad!" Anri shouted from upstairs.
"What!?"
"Kida won't come out of the bathroom! He says he has to look fabulous so he can woo Mikado!"
"I told you all! No incest in the Heiwajima house!" Shizuo shouted.
"Um, Dad... you just put peanut butter in the-..." Mikado was cut off.
"Shizu-chan!" Izaya stomped down the stairs, "Stop ignoring me!"
"...applesauce..." Mikado's mother was completely naked.
"Izaya! What the-...!? I told you to put on clothes when you're around the kids!"
Izaya scoffed, "Why should I cover this gorgeous body with clothes!? Really, they came out of this body, its perfectly normal if they feel attracted to it. Or so says Freud. Are you attracted to Mommy's sexy body, Mikado-kun~!?" He placed a sloppy kiss on the boy's cheek.
"Ah...not really.. how exactly did you give birth to me again...?"
"Don't ask silly questions, baby." Izaya ran his fingers through Mikado's hair.
"Put some fucking clothes on, Izaya!" Mustard was flung into the pudding.
"Language, Shizu-chan!" Izaya covered Mikado's ears, "Stop trying to taint the only innocent child we have left! Also, I need to talk to you."
"I'm not really..." Mikado was cut off.
"I'm not talking to you until you put some fucking clothes on!" Grape jelly suddenly found itself in the bottle of mayo.
"...innocent." He finished.
"But it's important!" Izaya whined and stomped his feet.
Reply
"Yes, yes." Izaya nodded, "He is. And of course you can get a padded bra."
"Boys do not have breasts in my house! And watch your language! Hey...Kida! Are you listening to me!?" Kida was, infact, not listening to his father. He was too busy trying to get a morning kiss from his brother who laughed and tried to innocently push him away.
"Awww, so cute. Incest~!" Izaya cooed.
"What the-...!? No incest in this house!" Shizuo seperated the two.
"But Mom said I should keep it in the family! Like Dad!" Kida whined.
"Don't listen to your skank mother. She's a skank. And I...I don't do that!" Shizuo blushed.
"Speaking of keeping it in the family and me being a skank..."
"Mom! Kida told me to put on a bra and I said no and then he said this is why Mikado is gay 'cause you're such a slut! Oh, you're naked." Anri said when she reached the last step.
"Since when am I gay..?"
"You are a slut, sweetie. But you have great tits, so..." Izaya pat her on the head, "So it all works out in the end."
"No sluts and no incest in this house! Anri-chan, you aren't a slut. You're my little girl."
"Shizu-chan, I really need to talk to you!"
"Can it wait!?"
"That's my bacon, slut!" Anri and Kida began to fight.
"No, it's mine, fag!"
"Ah.... there's a lot of bacon, guys..."
"No fighting, kids!"
"Shizu-chan, I'm leaving you."
"WHAT!?" The two continued to fight in the background. Izaya's words echoed in his head.
"I'm leaving you for Simon!"
"For...Simon? Russia Sushi Simon?"
"Yes." Izaya nodded, "I love him. I think you should move out."
"This is my house! I paid for it! And why Simon!?"
"He gives me fatty tuna and has a big black co-..." Shizuo slapped his hand over Izaya's mouth.
"What was Mom going to say?" Mikado asked.
"Uhh...uhh.. cosplay!" Kida saved.
"Yeah, that's it. Time to go, Mikado.." Anri said. The two of them ushered him out the door. Without their lunches.
"Big black cosplay..?" The door closed behind him.
-TIME WARP DISTORTION TO PRESENT-
"'*gasp* That's horrible!'" Celty typed.
"He's leaving you for Simon?" Shinra asked just to clarify.
"'What is Izaya thinking!?'" Shizuo read Celty's message with teary eyes.
"I don't know!" Shizuo cried, "I know he's a slut and that's just a part of him I have to accept but is he really going to leave me!?"
"When did he say you have to move out?"
"I told him I wouldn't move out so he said Simon is moving in with us tomorrow..."
"'Simon is moving in with you...?'"
"Is Izaya craz-...wait, he is." Shinra realized.
"What am I going to do!?"
Reply
"Work."
"Oh... well, I'm hungry! When's dinner!?"
"What!? I told you dinner was on the stove! And what the fuck are you wearing!?" Izaya was wearing some sort of red mini dress. He looked like a slut.
"Don't I look hot~?" He asked while twirling around.
"No. You look like a two dollar whore."
Izaya gasped, "That's way too expensive!" Shizuo facepalmed.
"Don't walk away from me, Shizu-chan!"
"I just got home." He said and turned on the faucet to drown out the sound of Izaya. And to do dishes.
"Don't ignore me, Shizu-chan!"
"Can't hear you."
"This is why I'm leaving you for Simon!"
"Did you say something?" Izaya slid next to him, his lips pressed against Shizuo's ear, hand lasciviously curling around the blonde's crotch. He squeezed.
"Shizu-chan looks so sexy in his suit." His tongue ran down Shizuo's neck.
"St-stop! You're leaving me for Simon!" Shizuo gripped the sink in both of his hands.
"That's not a reason why we can't fuck, though." He smirked against the skin of Shizuo's neck, "Or why I can't do this." Izaya's hand slid into Shizuo's pants and past the fabric of his boxers.
"Stop." Shizuo hissed. Izaya's warm hand curled around his cock.
"So hard~" Izaya exaggerated a throaty gasp into his ear. Shizuo shuddered. His slutty wife slowly began to pump him.
"I told you to stop." His voice shook.
"But Shizu-chan loves this." Izaya purred, "He loves me."
"Stop!" Shizuo grit his teeth. Izaya's grip was heavenly. He held his cock hard and stroked him fast.
"Shizu-chan became a broken record~" His thumb grazed the head of his cock. Shizuo's breath hitched. Izaya smirked, "So sexy."
"Don't even... don't even know how many guys you jerked off today." Shizuo's knuckles were turning white as he gripped the sink.
"Just you." A breathy whisper, "I promise."
"St-stop.." His head hung low, eyes squeezed shut, "...m'gonna... gonna cum..."
"Cum in my hand." Izaya's teeth nibbled at his ear.
"Sh..shit...!" His mouth hung open.
"I want to taste you."
"Stop using me..."
"What ever do you mean?" Izaya chuckled into his ear. Shizuo came with a throaty moan after two more sharp tugs.
"Found him!" Kida shouted, "Mom's giving him a handjob while he does dishes~!"
Reply
“I'm not-...we're not...stop that, Izaya!” Izaya was licking Shizuo off of his hand with a sly smirk.
“Why? It tastes delicious.”
“Dad's cooking is delicious.” Mikado said with a nod. Kida giggled.
“Mi~ka~do-kun is just so cute~!” He pulled him into a half-hug and started groping him.
“Kida, stop! I want to fondle Mikado-kun too!” Anri tried to reach for them across the table. Kida pulled Mikado away.
“Mine!” Kida flipped her off.
“Ah...umm..guys...”
“No fondling your brother at the dinner table!” Shizuo cut Mikado off.
“Kida must take after Shizu-chan.” Izaya said and sat down at the table, “With the incest and all.”
“WHAT!?”
“Dad fondled Uncle Kasuka?” Kida asked.
“Yes! All the time!” Izaya chirped.
“N-no, Dad did not!” Shizuo slammed the plates on the table, nearly breaking them.
“Uncle Kasuka is hot.” Anri said with a nod, “I'd tap that.”
“Anri-chan!” Shizuo shrieked.
“Shizu-chan's been there, done that.” Izaya said.
“Umm, guys... can we just eat? I'm really hungry...”
“You can eat me, Mikado-kun~!” Kida crawled onto Mikado's lap and began taking off his own clothes.
“Kida, stop! I want Mikado to eat me too!” Anri cried.
“Ahh...umm...”
“Yay~ Family orgy!” Izaya giggled.
“No! What!? No incest at dinner! No family orgies or orgies ever!” Shizuo pulled Kida off of Mikado, “Kida, put your clothes on! We're going to eat dinner like a normal family.”
Kida sighed and sat back down in his chair, “Why are you such a motherfucker Dad!?” Izaya giggled.
“Watch your language!” Shizuo was quickly becoming one of those guys that sell their families on ebay, “Now eat your food!”
“Hypocrite.” Izaya muttered under his breath and took a quick bite.
“What did you say!?”
“I said you're a hypocrite.”
“Am not! And Anri-chan takes after you cause she's a huge slut! No offense, Anri-chan.”
“None taken.” She nodded.
Izaya gasped, “No! Mikado clearly takes after me. Since I'm so sweet and innocent. The only thing Anri and I have in comment is our really big tits.” Shizuo laughed out loud. Uncontrollable laughter seized his entire body.
“Don't laugh! It's true!”
“Um, none of us take after either of you..” Mikado said inbetween bites.
“Mikado has a point! How the hell do I know if these are your kids are not!?”
“Because you're such a slut? I know.” Shizuo finished for him.
“No! I mean because I'm so fucking sexy and desirable!”
“Um... I actually meant that there's no way Mom could have given birth to us. Mom is a guy.”
“What did you say about me!?” Izaya cried out.
“That you're a guy...?” Izaya broke down into tears.
“Nine months I carried you in my stomach just to have you treat me like this!? Ungrateful child!” He continued to sob, “Do you know how many stretch marks I had? Well, do you!?”
“Mom, don't cry!” Anri hugged her Mother.
“Mikado is so sexy when he makes Mom cry.” Kida remarked and sent the other boy suggestive looks.
“I...ummm... sorry, Mom.” He whispered and then blushed at Kida.
“Good work, Mikado-kun!” Shizuo praised him.
“Fuck you, Shizuo! I fucking hate you!” Izaya threw his plate against the wall. They all winced, save Shizuo, “This is why Simon is a better man than you'll ever be! This is why I'm leaving you!” He stood up and pushed all of their plates off the table.
“Mom is leaving Dad...?” Mikado asked, leaning backwards casually. This was a normal occurrence in the Heiwajima house.
“Stop being such a drama queen, Izaya!”
“FUCK YOU!” He shrieked, “I gave up my fur jacket for you...I...I..!” He fell down to his knees and sobbed.
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“Don't bring Edmundo into this!” His voice was a high shrill, “I do everything for you! And this is what I get!?”
“What the fuck do you do for me!? You watch dramas all day and only go out for a fuck or pocky or new shoes. Usually, all three.”
“Look at this!” He laughed, insanely, “Look at this, kids! Look at your father judge me!”
“Look at this, kids!” Shizuo said, “Look at your slut mother be a slut and whine!” The doorbell rang.
“Uh...I'll get that...” Mikado quickly ran out. Kida and Anri were getting pudding cups out of the refrigerator and watching their parents fight while making comments.
“This is when Mom pushes Dad down on the floor and rides his cock.” Kida said.
“No, no. That's later. This is when Mom says she wishes she never offered to suck him off after third period.” Anri said.
“I wish I never offered to suck you off after third period! I hate you, you stupid fuck!”
“Aw, fuck you, slut.” Kida sighed.
“Uncle Kasuka, they're all in here.” Mikado led the younger Heiwajima into the kitchen.
Kasuka grabbed Mikado's chin and stared at him for a few seconds, “Hmmm...” was all he said.
“Umm...?” He let the boy go. Kasuka sidestepped around the pieces of broken plate and Izaya and Shizuo. He did the same thing to Anri and then Kida.
“Izaya...” He said.
“What!?”
“Oh, Kasuka,” Shizuo finally noticed him, “Why are you here?”
“Had some time off. When are you getting pregnant again, Izaya?” His expression was as dull as ever as he stared at Izaya expectantly.
“Huh? Dunno.”
“Why does Uncle Kasuka want Mom to get pregnant?” Mikado asked him.
“Because I want the next baby to look like Shizuo.”
“Why would...why would you want Mom to have a baby that looks like Dad?”
“Because I want to have sex with it.” Kasuka deadpanned.
Kida and Anri choked on their pudding.
“See! This is what I was saying! Heiwajima incest!” Izaya cried out, “Shizu-chan fondled Kasuka all the time!”
“Shizuo fondled me?” Kasuka cocked his head to the side, “No, he didn't.”
“Oh, that's a relief.” Mikado finally exhaled.
“I was the one doing the fondling.”
“Ah...n-no! No fondling, I swear!” Shizuo ushered Kasuka out the kitchen and toward the door, “And I'm sure Kasuka meant he wants to know the sex of the baby! You know, sex as in gender? Haha.” He managed a weak laugh.
“No, I meant I want to fuck it.”
“As in put my penis in its asshole.” Kasuka continued, “Or vagina.”
“Night, Kasuka! Thanks for stopping by! Call me some time!” He slammed the door in his brother's face.
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ILOVEYOU ANONWRITER.
LOL.
LOL
JUST FUKEN LOL.
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YOU SIR, ARE A GENIUS
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btw, Kasuka is a dear <3
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Holy fuck, yeah. Never knew how much I wanted it until know.
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that wasnt just LOL worthy that was LMFAO funneh
i cant stop loling XD
if u continue this, u r mai hero o.o
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"Simon, my love! Come in!" Izaya quickly embraced and kissed his lover infront of his husband, Shizuo, and the kids. Shizuo grimaced.
"Shizuo-san, its been long time!" The Russian man embraced Shizuo and kissed him on both cheeks, "You should stop by Russia Sushi sometime!"
"Sure..." He tried to escape the man's hold. Once free, he said, "Can I talk to you, Izaya?" Shizuo looked at him, Izaya returned his gaze looking somewhat expectant, "In private?" Shizuo added.
"Shizu-chan, anything you have to say, you can say infront of my soulmate!"
Shizuo nearly facepalmed. "I want to talk to you about that STD you gave me."
"Umm... we'll be in the kitchen, sweetheart." Izaya blew a kiss at Simon and winked before following Shizuo out of the room.
"How the fuck can you let him live in our and house and kiss him infront of our kids!?" Their voices drifted from the kitchen.
"What I do in my own damn house is none of your business, Shizu-chan! Stop being jealous!" Mikado flashed Simon an awkward smile.
"I'm not fucking je-.... what!? It is my business! Its my damn house too!"
"Kids, hello! You like Russia Sushi, right!? Want some coupons? Of course you do!" Simon gave a hearty laugh, "You must be Kiddo! Hello!" He handed Kida a coupon.
"Free sushi coupon! Thanks! You're better than our real dad!" Simon laughed.
"One for you, Annie."
"Th-thanks.." She blushed.
"And one for you, Mikael."
"Um... my name is Mikado."
"Yes, yes! That is what I say! Mikael!"
"Mikad-... forget it. So, what do you like about our Mother?"
"Ah, your Mother is a wonderful woman. She loves sushi like me and gives excellent head!"
Mikado blushed and chose to ignore the last part, "Um.... you know that she's male, right?"
"Nonsense! How else could she have birthed you?"
"She didn't..."
Simon laughed once more and then ruffled Mikado's hair, "You must be the dumb one."
"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, SIMON!!! HARDER, OH FUCKKKKK!!!!"
Shizuo tossed and turned on the sofa. The ceiling thumped wildly. "That's it, little sushi girl! Take that cock!" He needed better walls.
"SIMON, I'M GONNA---MMMPPPHHHHHHH..!"
"You are not going nowhere, sushi girl! Take that otoro in your mouth! Ahhhh, that's good! You like fish, slut!?"
Shizuo pressed the pillow against his ear harder. However, he still heard Simon say, "What about cream!?"
"Russia Sushi secret sauce!"
"Dad, move over! I need to watch tv!" Kida pushed his father's legs over the sofa so he had room.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! I'm the little girl! I'm the little girl!" Shizuo heard Izaya yell, "Give me more otoro, sir!"
Kida laughed at his stupid fucking show. "Shit's so funny!" Shizuo couldn't even be fucked to tell him to watch his language.
"I'll fertilize your eggs, goldfish slut!" Simon shouted.
"Oh my God, that's so funny!" Kida beat the cushions with his fist in his raucous rapture.
"I'm your dolphin bitch! Yesssssss!"
"You know, Dad, I'm rooting for you." Kida said.
"I want all your ink inside me, squid monster!"
"If you give me fifty bucks and let me fuck Mikado." He added. When Shizuo closed his eyes, he was walking out the door, a trail of gasoline behind him. He lit a match. It dropped. He could practically hear Izaya scream while burning to death. Then he realized Izaya was screaming but for something completely different. Shizuo got up, threw his pillow at Kida and grabbed his keys from the coffee table.
"Hey, fuck you, asshole!" Kida exclaimed when the pillow came in contact with his face, "I just said I was rooting for you! No need to be a stuck up cunt."
The last thing Shizuo heard before slamming the door behind him was, "Simon, I think we just killed all the fish in the tank!"
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