DURARARA!! KINK MEME PT.2
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According to the manga's latest scanlation when Izaya was still living in Ikebukuro Simon's been stopping Shizuo and Izaya's fights since high school which always ended with Simon dragging the two of them into his sushi shop.
So even though the fights are much less frequent after Izaya moved to Shinjuku, since they're both adults now Simon is getting really tired of having to continue breaking up their fights and decides to settle everything by hooking them up.
So one day after he breaks up a fight and drags them into his store instead of lecturing them about the usual (Shizuo, stop breaking everything, Izaya stop being a dick) he sits them both down at the counter and goes into an insanely long (and fairly loud) lecture about how they need to come to terms with their feelings with each other, get a room, go and share milkshakes with heart shaped straws(or sushi) etc.
This takes place in an absolutely packed restaurant, and Izaya and Shizuo are forced to sit through and listen to the entire thing to their increasing levels of chagrin.
Details are up to anon but the lecture should ultimately end in Simon "suggesting" that Shizuo take Izaya out on a date with the two complying and being forced to report to Simon afterwards. Bonus for Simon going into his signature monologues about the situation and using proverbs.
Double bonus if the date is hilarious and awkward but they end up kissing anyway.
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The inciting incident started with Colonel Sanders.
Izaya had never been a huge fan of fried food (or fast food in general for that matter), but this made his hatred personal. The Colonel’s grinning, goateed face had left an impressive budding bruise along Izaya’s upper arm, and if the informant didn’t get a move on right now, the smug bastard was promising a bucket of extra crispy concussions and a side order of internal bleeding.
Shizuo let out another of his trademarked feral howls, and swung the giant ceramic replica like a customized baseball bat as the restaurant workers looked on in awed horror. Izaya, by virtue of a skip backwards and a quick pivot against the nearby curb, launched upwards to use the Colonel’s head as a stepping stone, intent on triumphantly kicking Shizu-chan in the face. Time seemed to slow as his next step tapped against the Colonel’s vest and his body angled towards the furious blond whose eyes were widening in alarm. Izaya’s other leg swung forward, sailing towards its target in a rush of-
Izaya was suddenly flying backwards as his senses accelerated back into real time and he inexplicably found himself dangling in the air, multiple feet from his target. Oh come on-
“Is no good, this fight. Grown men should not act as children.”
Suddenly and brutally assaulted by flashbacks of his high school days, Izaya gave a half hearted struggle that only succeeded in making Simon tighten his grip on the informant’s shirt. Shizuo, in a similar predicament, was punching against the hand that held him by the collar. Fists that routinely shattered concrete didn’t even earn a flinch from the Russian.
“Stop,” Simon demanded as Izaya was contemplating the merits of sacrificing his shirt in the name of escape. To punctuate the statement, the massive man gave both captives a frustrated shake that left Izaya feeling like a rat in the mouth of a terrier. “Is tiring. You come. Eat sushi. Talk. We will end stupidity.” With that, Simon shifted so that he had a combatant dangling over each shoulder as he stalked back towards the entrance of Russian Sushi. Uncertain whether he was more irritated by the intervention or by the fact Simon could pull off this act just as easily as when Izaya had been an adolescent, the informant settled for sending a death glare towards Shizuo. Shizuo was too busy seizuring in a fit of inarticulate rage to appreciate the effect.
As they entered the shop, a heavy silence fell over Russian Sushi. Though his field of vision was limited, Izaya got the sense that the restaurant was filled with diners. It took a lot of people to achieve that quality of packed silence. That would just figure. The one time Simon actually had customers, he decided it was time for public humiliation. Izaya determined on the spot that he would savor the revenge he cooked up for the sushi chef.
There was a quick, disorienting swirl of movement, and Izaya found himself plopped down next to Shizuo at the sushi bar. Taking advantage of Simon’s distraction as he moved behind the bar, Izaya pushed off of the counter and bolted towards the exit. He had just enough time to take in all of the shocked, staring faces of the other diners (hey! There was Dotachin and his group!) when he felt the traitorous neckline of his shirt constricting his windpipe.
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Simon placed his hands on the counter and simply grinned at them, shifting his gaze between the two combatants and the food in front of them expectantly. A little part of Izaya died as he picked up the safest looking piece and took a placating bite. At least the piece he was chewing wasn’t erupting with pelmeni like the other articles on his plate. Next to him, Shizuo made an interesting noise between a hiccup and a gag.
“Good.” Simon nodded, looking pleased. “Now no fleeing. We will talk, and we willfix.” The rest of the restaurant was still deathly silent at their backs. “Property damage is getting ridiculous- you are menaces. When you get together? How you say… for make outs?”
Izaya dropped his “sushi”. Shizuo choked on his (though it may have been an independent event from Simon’s question). Something broke further back in the dining area. “What?” they asked in strained, synchronous voices.
“You are like little school children, pulling pigtails. I thought you figure out on own, but it taking too long. Better for everyone in city you admit attraction and stop silly fights.”
Shizuo coughed into his hand. “Simon, that’s not-“
“Great!” Izaya exclaimed. “It sounds like this was all one big misunderstanding. I’ll just be-“
“No. We are talking and we are fixing.” Izaya and Simon entered an impromptu staring contest. The informant looked away first only because Simon’s creepy blue eyes were weirding him out. That was the only reason.
“Okay Simon, we can talk this out like reasonable adults, since you appear so set on having this conversation. Why the hell would I ever feel anything but utter loathing for this violent, brainless monster? What sort of relationship can you possibly hope for if you live in constant fear of harm because someone forgets how to act like a functional human being?” Angry gaze trained solely on Simon, Izaya missed the small flinch this elicited from Shizuo. Simon did not.
“V chuzhom glazu sorinku zametno, a v svoyom brevna ne vidat' Izaya.”
Izaya pouted. Shizuo looked bewildered. “What?” the blond questioned, his hurt momentarily forgotten. “Was that Russian? Simon, if we are going to be forced to listen to this lecture, you should probably at least do it in a language we can understand.” Izaya glanced over with a superior look, which Shizuo completely ignored. Chance for gloating completely foiled, Izaya went back to pouting- reason number 3012 why he hated the simpleton.
“Yes, yes, is true Shizuo. In Japanese. You both- hook ups and make outs should happen. Is better.” He nodded resolutely. There was something that sounded suspiciously like a snicker from the silence behind them. Shizuo, who had been unconsciously gripping the counter top, found a piece broken off in his hand. Trying to subtly hide it under his chair, it was his turn to attempt to reason with the intimidating Russian.
“I have no desire to put my mouth anywhere near that detestable scum. I think you may be confused about our relationship. I hate him. Hate, Simon. When you hate someone, you do not generally make out with them.”
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Simon was looking darkly displeased. “No. All energy you spend- always Izaya Izaya Izaya. Always thinking about. Always obsessing over. Need to acknowledge attraction and act on. No suppress. Suppression is ruining city infrastructure.”
“I’ve been trying to kill him for TEN YEARS,” Shizuo shouted, so irritated by the situation that he smashed the overly ornate tea cup in his fist. “That is not suppression! It is too late to try and play nice!”
“Luchshe pozdno, chem nikogda!” Simon insisted as Shizuo threw up his tea-soaked hands in frustration and Izaya reflected how he wished he could die from eating this disgusting sushi.
“Vilami na vode pisano, Simon. For the love of ootoro and all real sushi, drop it,” Izaya shot back in disgust, and was finally rewarded by a floored expression from Shizuo.
“You have got to be shitting me,” the blond muttered at length. Izaya shot him a charming grin.
Simon ruined the moment by slamming his hand down on the counter top. “No more arguing, only listen.” He paused, as if organizing his thoughts. When he continued, it was some of the smoothest Japanese they had ever heard out of him. That deserved reflecting on at some later point. “You are going to go on a date, and you are going to like it, because however much you may protest it, you both are so obsessed with the other that you are practically in love already. You are both sad, flawed, lonely people, and you and this city will be happier if you stop denying the attraction and just act on it. I don’t care if all it takes is writing sweet texts to one another. I don’t care if it requires you have sex every three hours. You are going to attempt romance, because you are going to realize it is actually attraction driving your actions. You. Are. Going. On. A. Date.” There were a couple of wolf whistles and scattered applause, but when Izaya glared over his shoulder, all the diners were staring studiously at their plates.
“And if after the date we still hate each other’s guts?” Shizuo questioned tentatively.
“Seven stumbles expectation,” Simon proclaimed solemnly.
The two blinked at the Russian in silence. Putting aside animosity for a second, Shizuo glanced at Izaya with a raised eyebrow.
“I think he means perseverance is the key,” Izaya whispered back.
“Ah.”
“Can’t we at least… postpone this or something?” Izaya tried to reason. The situation was a bit more serious than he had originally anticipated, and he needed to come up with a suitable plan to cope with it. He couldn’t fully abandon Ikebukuro- too many amazing things were already in motion in this city, not to mention he would be hard pressed to find a gullible moron as entertaining as Shizu-chan. Yet Simon’s adamancy made it sound like he would not simply let the matter drop when the date inevitably dissolved into a bloody melee. As much as Izaya hated to admit it, Simon was one of the few people who could truly do damage to his daily dealings if he were motivated enough to. “Yes. I believe we should postpone. I am just so worked up over all of this passion I feel for Shizu-chan that I could really use some time to reflect on if it really is misguided love.”
“Kuy zhelezo, poka Goryacho,” Simon stated flatly, clearly not buying into the evasive maneuver.
“I was under the impression the saying had shifted to Kuy zhelezo, poka Gorbachyov. Honestly! We would be getting off easy if this liaison turns out to only be as disastrous as Perestroika.”
“CAN WE PLEASE SPEAK JAPANESE?” Shizuo howled, flinging a ripped off piece of counter top at Izaya’s head in a fit of frustration. Simon reached out and caught it with a reproving look.
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Mysteriously, even though the ultimatum was vaguely worded, it somehow strongly hinted at a future with voyeuristic Simon, a video camera, and some R18 doujinshi as inspiration. They hastily set the date for next Thursday.
“Neh, neh, Simon~~. Wouldn’t you prefer to have some outside surveillance to make sure they relay events back to you accurately~?” Two sets of narrow, furious eyes swung around to fix on a blushing and bubbly Erika. Walker, a few steps behind her, looked conflicted over whether he should line-backer tackle her or wet himself.
“Yes yes. Surveillance is good. Karisawa-san will referee date. Report back to me.” The silence in the restaurant was slowly starting to ebb away as whispers and murmurs floated throughout the room.
“Che.” Shizuo stood abruptly and stalked towards the door with a palpable cloud of fury. “Seven o’clock on Thursday at your apartment, louse. If you are late or aren’t there, I am breaking all of your personal belongings.”
“Likha beda nachalo” Izaya muttered, swearing that acts of arson against all the KFCs in Japan would be his first of many strikes of divine vengeance. Simon laughed heartily and slapped him jovially on the back. Because of Newton and his stupid laws, Izaya ended up in the middle of Dotachin’s (newly) broken table, covered in braised ham sushi. Shizuo, who was halfway out of the building, broke into delighted laughter that rang clearly through the dining area even after he had exited.
Shizu-chan, Simon, Erika Karisawa, Walker Yumasaki, Colonel Sanders, and Isaac Newton. Izaya’s hit list was growing.
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Mezhdu dvukh ogney- literally between two fires- “between a rock and a hard place”
V chuzhom glazu sorinku zametno, a v svoyom - brevna ne vidat'- seeing the minor flaws of another while ignoring your own major ones
Luchshe pozdno, chem nikogda- better late than never
Vilami na vode pisano- “written on flowing water with a pitchfork” uncertain or unlikely to happen
Kuy zhelezo, poka Goryacho- strike while the iron is hot, amended to “strike while Gorbachyov (is in power)”, a reference to the socioeconomic reform the Soviet Union attempted in the 80’s (and which many believe ultimately led to its downfall)
Likha beda nachalo- Things go from bad to worse (“when it rains, it pours”)
Simon’s seven stumbles- meaning to say nanakorobi yaoki, which equates to “there were seven stumbles, but eight occurred”- essentially “try until you succeed“. Simon used yoki instead of yaoki
The opening is dedicated to this picture, which I regard as the most amazing fanart in existence: http://danbooru.donmai.us/post/show/638799/2boys-black_hair-blonde_hair-brown_eyes-cigarette-
And finally, a question for OP- would you like a single date where they figure things out, or multiple dates where after they report to Simon, they get a “No. Not good enough. Do again.”?
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Seriously, I can't wait to read more. I hope that you will update soon ;~; And I loved all of the Russian touches and Erika being the supervisor of their date haha. This fic has made me appreciate Simon so much more already.
Not OP but I'd love to see them attempt a few dates (since I can't imagine them getting it perfect on the first try), but I'd love to read whatever you write <3
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Shizu-chan, Simon, Erika Karisawa, Walker Yumasaki, Colonel Sanders, and Isaac Newton. Izaya’s hit list was growing.
hahaha oh Izaya.
Anyway, this is absolutely brilliant. I can't wait for the date.
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