i'm packing my bags b/c i don't want to be the only one drowning in their misery
Hey kids. Today i have been really fucking relaxed. I was a little bit productive. I woke up this morning and fed my iguana...he is having a pissy day. I made him some spinach and alfa alfa sprouts,which he LOVES. and when i went in there to give it to him,he smacked the plate with his tail and it shot straight up in the air. then he smacked me with his tail so i got him some crickets and he destroyed everything in his cage while he was trying to catch them. THEN he ate. And my other lizard is a leopard gecko and he loves me. Everytime i go in there he jumps up and runs to the glass like a freaking dog,he lets me handfeed him and he licks me. But anyway...I hate having a best friend who lives in Conway. I should go there,but why? I want to go out and do stuff but i don't want to go out with just some people,it has to be someone important to me. I hate being stupid and fake. I was reading my entries from this time last year,and all i ever did was go to parties and get drunk and sleep with random people and get in trouble with the cops. I can safely say that i was drunk 4 days a week throughout all of 2002 and maybe until Feb. of this year. I'm surprised i'm still alive. It wasn't just drinking,it was also taking lots of pills. To be honest,i would read labels and if it said "do not take with alcohol",i did b/c i wanted to see what happened to me. But i've only done E 3 times,cocaine twice b/c i HATE the way it made me feel,and a few other random party drugs(all which i did with Andy)...but i haven't done any drugs since november 11th i think(that includes all the stupid prescription stuff that i don't think is a big deal but other people do)....whatever the second weekend of nov. was. so i've been clean,sober,bored,and boring. But i wasn't ever hardcore into something...it was just for fun. That's all. Wait..i've smoked pot since Nov. But not f a couple of months. but that was just 2 times. no wonder i feel stupid all the time. So many people have said "what happened to you,what happened to you",that hurts my feelings. I just haven't had anything to stimulate my mind. everything is so stupid and boring. i need to go to school,i need to read a fucking book or something. On another note...i'm NEVER going to have an orgasm. and i don't care who reads this and if people know....i've had A LOT of sex,some of it has been boring,some of it has been normal and maybe twice it has been totally mind-blowing...and i'm not loose or anything,so what's the fucking problem? I think that there needs to be more verbal stuff going on,b/c my mind wonders away to something like...shoes,or another guy. and i have called a guy by the wrong name and the reason i have only slept with one person since feb.(someone i was in a relationship with),is b/c i was with this guy...and he wanted me to say his name and i didn't remember it. and so i realized that i was a giant whore and so i quit.But anyway,i found something that i want to post.....how did i know what my feelings would turn into? I totally regret ever admitting my feelings to a certain person...and i'm definitely not logical anymore(thanks to them)..i think it's from august of 2002.....
***i don't know what i have been thinking,but i told this guy i was starting to like him. i feel horrible now b/c i was just fine with him and i have to be all honest and screw things up. let me see if i can explain this. i'm a logical person,i rarely FEEL things,i just think"well,this guy is best for me b/c,BLAH BLAH BLAH". well,i am all confused now b/c LOGICALLY i should be staying away from him and NOT be having feelings for him,but emotionally,they're there. and i have no idea why.it makes no sense to me. but i feel like i'm going to throw up and pass out everytime i talk to him and it drives me nuts. AND he is a self-proclaimed jerk,which i don't think he is,but he says he is and i don't see it...well,a little but it turns me on. SIGH,i think we are both the same way with the whole "i hate the opposite sex,i just want booty,screw relationships" thing. oh,AND he's MOVING TO DALLAS. that kind of sucks. but oh well. i guess i'll just have to get over it.
****sigh*,next time i have feelings like that for someone,i will RUN AWAY AS FAST AS I CAN. I'm so mad at myself for letting it get to where it did...and we really did get along but i was always as nervous as fuck and i couldn't even remember my stupid name and i hadn't felt like that in a long time. And if i wasn't always fucked up and doing dumb shit(i was tipsy the first time i ever called him,but i talked to him for almost 2 hrs and God knows what about....),we would have gotten along b/c despite what i seem to be on the outside,i was just like him on the inside(gross,that sounds emo),and now i realize that and i don't want to be in a relationship with him,and i'm glad that he's with the girl that he's with...but it just pisses me off that i fucked up so much. what was i thinking? and now i'm growing into myself and now i'm just not like that and it also bothers me that it's too late to say "hey,i fucked up and i'm sorry and i didn't mean to disrespect you"...see what happens when i'm not on my pills,i think and think and think and it's always about something stupid. and i don't want to think about it anymore b/c i always feel like the shit of the earth,my heart sinks down to my ass and i actually feel like crying....btw,he's the first guy i ever cried in front of and ever since then i have been a fucking crybaby. i cried in front of shawn like....2 times. THat was embarrassing. i'm going to go for a walk b/c i'm frustrated with life.
Crystal
***i don't know what i have been thinking,but i told this guy i was starting to like him. i feel horrible now b/c i was just fine with him and i have to be all honest and screw things up. let me see if i can explain this. i'm a logical person,i rarely FEEL things,i just think"well,this guy is best for me b/c,BLAH BLAH BLAH". well,i am all confused now b/c LOGICALLY i should be staying away from him and NOT be having feelings for him,but emotionally,they're there. and i have no idea why.it makes no sense to me. but i feel like i'm going to throw up and pass out everytime i talk to him and it drives me nuts. AND he is a self-proclaimed jerk,which i don't think he is,but he says he is and i don't see it...well,a little but it turns me on. SIGH,i think we are both the same way with the whole "i hate the opposite sex,i just want booty,screw relationships" thing. oh,AND he's MOVING TO DALLAS. that kind of sucks. but oh well. i guess i'll just have to get over it.
****sigh*,next time i have feelings like that for someone,i will RUN AWAY AS FAST AS I CAN. I'm so mad at myself for letting it get to where it did...and we really did get along but i was always as nervous as fuck and i couldn't even remember my stupid name and i hadn't felt like that in a long time. And if i wasn't always fucked up and doing dumb shit(i was tipsy the first time i ever called him,but i talked to him for almost 2 hrs and God knows what about....),we would have gotten along b/c despite what i seem to be on the outside,i was just like him on the inside(gross,that sounds emo),and now i realize that and i don't want to be in a relationship with him,and i'm glad that he's with the girl that he's with...but it just pisses me off that i fucked up so much. what was i thinking? and now i'm growing into myself and now i'm just not like that and it also bothers me that it's too late to say "hey,i fucked up and i'm sorry and i didn't mean to disrespect you"...see what happens when i'm not on my pills,i think and think and think and it's always about something stupid. and i don't want to think about it anymore b/c i always feel like the shit of the earth,my heart sinks down to my ass and i actually feel like crying....btw,he's the first guy i ever cried in front of and ever since then i have been a fucking crybaby. i cried in front of shawn like....2 times. THat was embarrassing. i'm going to go for a walk b/c i'm frustrated with life.
Crystal