a state-of-the-jo adress (for those who care to read such things)
this entry is so long, it's divided up into sections based on topic. that gives you an idea of how long this is... read this if you want to know what's up with me, or if you have nothing else to do...
well, starting on friday i began my 6 consecutive closing shifts in the cafe. friday and saturday were a bitch, but the rest of my shifts shouldn't be that bad because we won't have the weekend crowd...unless there's some sort of holiday on monday i don't know about. lol......oh god, there isn't, is there? anywho, i've closed on weekdays before, and it's a cakewalk. so the worst of it is behind me. i just really wish i could have gotten some sleep tonight/this morning, because i'm going to be dead on my feet at work today. luckily, it'll be a slow sunday. on the bright side, it means i'm guaranteed to get great sleep tonight because i'll be mentally and physically exhausted. work is going ok, i guess. they hired me to work in the cafe with the promise (explicitly stated multiple times before, during, and after i was hired) that i would also be trained on the book floor and eventually work there exclusively (allowing for occasional shifts in the cafe when they were short-staffed). it is quickly becoming apparent that the management staff at barnes and noble mira mesa are a bunch of bold-faced liars. their pants are ablaze, it's an inferno. anyone can see that once a person is trained in cafe, their chances for advancement/escape are non-existent. plus, the cafe employees are treated like fucking lepers by the everyone, helped by no one, constantly under-staffed, ignored by the management in general (despite always being over on numbers, working our asses off, and taking all the shit given to us without complaint), and looked upon with apathetic ignorance by the general staff.
for example, last night we had two people closing in cafe, which is FUCKING RETARDED because on weekends you need at least three people to close in any kind of timely manner. though i suppose no one cares about that, because even though we reshelve and help with recovery when we finish first, no one ever comes over to help in cafe. today in the middle of a crazy 9 pm rush, our third person at the time (who was leaving at ten and needed to help us on the floor/preclose) is taken by the management staff to go run to a neighboring store for 5's. ok...what the fuck were they thinking? seriously. never have i seen a line as long as ours was (a "line as long" being out the door...for a few hours straight, no less) at cash wrap, it was just plain irresponsible and disrespectful to take a person from cafe instead of the book floor. seriously, taking one person depletes our staff by 33.3333333(infinite 3's, you get the idea), whereas i'm almost 100% sure that one person missing from the floor would not have been as crippling as it was to us. they seriously expect everything for nothing.
i have another beef with them, that's actually relatively small, but....i'm making minimum wage. i haven't made money like that since i worked at jack in the box. every other company has had the respect to pay a little bit more (even if it's less than a dollar more) when they expected roles of responsibility to be taken up by their employees. it's almost unfair to compare them to starbucks, because starbucks treats their employees better than any other employer when it comes to entry-level, part-time employees, but even when i worked at charlotte russe i made $7.50/hr. and my highest wage ever (which sadly enough, was at my first job as a hostess in the gaslamp), was $8.50/hr plus tips. i had this job when i was 16. i mean, jesus. i have definitely traded down. hell, when i tutored kids in high school i got $9/hr. money wouldn't matter to me if i didn't feel like the managers there wouldn't even so much as bother to piss on me if i were on fire, or if i didn't get the sinking feeling that the promises of book floor training was only sweet words to lure me in. plus, most of the people there are kind of snobby, though it could be because i'm a cafe person. i cannot exaggerate how badly we get treated, which is complete and utter bullshit. these people could go and get a job at starbucks for more money, benefits, tips, and actually have an employer who gives a rat's ass, so they should treat us better. people with barista skills are worth more money. i've never seen barista's get paid so little. hell, the living room was offering $9/hr to former starbucks baristas when i worked at starbucks (i didn't take it because with tips and benefits, my job was better. plus, i was in love with that job). i mean, cafe employees are supposedly barnes and noble employees, with a right to all the courtesy every worker should receive. they made a huge deal about it when i had orientation. what a fucking crock.
when i get a job bar tending or working as a bar back or some other cool job (and oh, i will); (i can easily work here as long as i have to and look for a new job concurrently), i'm going to call the health inspector and the anonymous barnes and noble number to tell them that most of the people in cafe don't have a food-handler's card. we're supposed to, but no one in charge feels it's important to train the lowly cafe slaves. i mean, there are managers on-staff who are able to certify us. apparently, it only takes about a half hour. and no one has even gotten around to it. you're supposed to get it within the first two weeks, but i don't have one, and neither does luke (or any of the other people kristi didn't have time to train, for that matter). most of us haven't even really been trained in anything. and it's not like we can ask for help either, because no one on the book floor knows anything that would help us. fuck, it sucks now that kristi's gone, because she totally stood up for the cafe people and made sure we didn't get pushed around or ignored....but now that there is no cafe manager (that's right, we to do our best at team-manage because apparently we don't even warrant a leader), everything's gone to hell very quickly. i mean, i was only there for a week before kristi left, but the difference is as clear as night and day.
oh yea, when i leave the management is going to at least get severe reprimands from the law and the company if not threats of dismissal for failure to follow such a simple health code (failure no one seems to even give a passing thought to, i might add)...and maybe the company will be fined. pfft...serves them right. i'm beginning to hate this job more than jack in the box (which seems impossible and horrifying), but at least at jack they were honest about what your place was, and you most certainly never had to assume managerial duties because the company didn't bother to hire a management staff. i hate barnes and noble. die die die die die....and to think i was willing to do kids, whole-heartedly, too. aspiring to do it even. but because of the bass-akwards hierarchy, i'll never even be given the chance..... well, they can just find another smart, friendly, eager-to-learn, hard-working, person who loves kids to help them out in the least-wanted position on the floor. good fucking luck. *curses barnes and noble as she shakes her fist angrily*
i'm finally getting into the groove of things up here. despite the crimson, immortal, blood-thirsty hate i have for my job, i will admit it has helped with the adjusting. plus, i've started seeing people i haven't seen in a while because i guess some people i lost contact with now live in mira mesa. so i suppose i'm adjusting fine, but i feel so bla all the time now. not necessarily bad, but..."bla". every day is the same. i either go to work, hang out with gary after work and watch tv/play dominoes OR i don't have work and depending on whether gary does or not, i either listen to music all day by myself or we spend the whole day watching tv and playing dominoes....i just miss not knowing exactly what my day will hold. i miss my friends. badly. interesting people make for an interesting life, and when i lived with logan and eddie, interesting people were never in short supply. everything was always changing and things were exciting because even though we rarely did, we always knew could end up do anything and everything if it caught our fancy.
luke is always a good time; he's the first friend i've had since asa who always cheers me up when i was sad and can always make me laugh. after superbowl sunday, my world came crashing down, but luke was one of the people who really helped me cope by treating my like he always had. he never walked on egg-shells around me or treated me like i was damaged or made me feel bad for talking about my feeling and the events that caused them. he treated me in a way that made me feel like maybe i wasn't broken or soiled...with a little bit of a gentle edge. he was just what i needed, because they way people looked at me sometimes made me feel so dirty and disgusting, like i was a monster no one could take their eyes off of. i realize the events were traumatic on those closest to me, and i in no way blame anyone in a negative way for their actions, but sometimes i just needed someone to walk up like nothing was wrong. desperately wanted someone to talk casually about wrestling and laugh at my silly jokes and accept my silence and timidity. it was also really neat because me talking got luke talking, and now i feel like i know him a lot better, and i have a newfound respect for the boy.
i miss having eddie around. i don't know if it's because of the reoccurring dreams i had about eddie protecting me (in several of my dreams, eddie goes sick-house on a stranger who calls me the "n" word and shoves me and proceeds to get the holy-hell beaten out of him), but i feel safe around eddie, like nothing could possibly hurt me when he's there. it also has a lot to do with the fact that eddie is always there to be "jo's emotional breakdown" buddy without fail. and he knows he can always talk to me. and between us we know logan better than anyone in the whole world. logan's a very unique person, definitely the kind who changes who you are if you're close to him. sharing a best friend (and knowing that we share the mind-set necessary to have that kind of relationship with such an unusual person like logan), as well as becoming good friends in our own right, was wonderful. even when eddie disagreed with me, i always felt he understood. it's hard to find understanding in this world. i miss watching buffy for hours upon hours or angel or random wrestling matches. i miss how i could always call eddie to tell him the most random things because i know he wouldn't get mad at me for calling, and would be just as entertained as me (actually, i still do that one...though not as much as i used to. and i can't bring random objects i think are funny/cool home for him to see anymore). i miss how it felt to feel so comfortable and safe with someone. i miss being able to sleep with him when i was frightened out of my mind, jumping at shadows and crying in the dark. eddie was safe and he loved me and being far away from him is torture.
then there's logan. we fought almost all the time...well, i think he thought we fought more than i thought we fought, because i like to be contrary just to hear what other people think and exercise my debate skills. i miss him terribly. logan is the one person in my life i have ever met whom i would say is just like me. honestly, if i were male, i would be nearly identical to logan personality-wise. it's so infrequently that one finds a person who can truly be considered a soul-mate. i don't think your soul-mate has to be a perfect romantic love, or even that you have to be your soul-mate's soul-mate. logan is my soul-mate, i have no doubt about it. i believe your soul-mate and the love of your life can be different people. logan is the person with whom i share an unexplainable bond and who knows me in a way no one else can. gary is the love of my life, the person who's life fits with mine and who supports me and cares for me with loving care in every way-- but most importantly, the love of your life loves you wholly and makes you a more beautiful person in their presence. gary is the person i am going to marry and my new family, for all intents and purposes. but logan is probably the closest friend i've ever had, simply because he has seen me at my worst, and i have seen him at his. sometimes i would be upset or angry or depressed, and logan would do or say exactly what i needed. on top of all that, we've known each other since we were kids; i was one of the first friends logan made after moving here from florida. his family embraced me as one of their own, giving me a family dynamic i'd never had before. the jordans showed unparalleled kindness toward me, and to this day i still come to miss coral seeking advice, inquiring about her life, and telling her about my life (she was the first adult, even before my mom or any of my friends whom i told of my engagement). she asked all the right questions, queries motivated by concern and happiness for me. i almost feel silly, but i honestly felt better after receiving her blessing. on top of all that, logan gave me my love of theology and fiona apple and so many more things than i can count. he has held me in my darkest times, even going so far as to open his home to me and worry over what i ate and even if i had enough tampons. that's friendship. when a male friend buys you tampons, he is officially a fantastic friend. because we're so similar and emotionally passionate, we hurt one other a lot. i know he's hurt me, and i, him. logan and i set each other off sometimes. still, i love the security of knowing that even when you screw up or hurt someone, they will still love you-- even if they're thoroughly livid with you. there have been times when logan and i have gone from screaming matches to tearful hugs, to laughing, nonchalant banter in the span of five minutes. we're crazy, but in the same way, in the "feeling everything, loving and hating the world at once, too smart/contemplative for our own good, melancholy, yet fun and witty" way. i miss that familiar battle of wits. sometimes we would just argue old-school romantic comedy style, matching wits so quickly and amusingly we would even entertain ourselves. sometimes we would even do it in public because people would stop to watch and try to laugh without us seeing. i miss fighting with someone i love and knowing that nothing i could do would make them stop loving me or being my friend. especially since i just got to know logan gain after such a long separation, i'm finding it painfully hard to go back to not having him around...or fighting with him, haha.
there are other people too...like wonderfully sweet chelsea, who cried when i told her i got fired and never hesitated to buy me dinner or share anything she had with me. a girl who by all accounts should be too young to be as mature and insightful as she is, and treats eddie like gold (which i totally approve of!). this girl always make small-talk with me, gave me another tomboy to hang out with, and helped even-out the male/female ratio when the boys ganged up on me.
then there's chantel, who since the day i met her has been nothing short of an unequivocally beautiful, kind, true, smart, talented, and witty treasure of a girl. she could have easily been a bitch to me because i was logan's ex (and she would have been pretty justified in doing so according to most people), but she would never be so petty. she was always nice to me, cooked for me, shared her alcohol, cigarettes, and bud with me-- all without a second thought. i'm not even sure if i could be as gracious, but i'm so grateful for her altruism. i can't think of a more wonderful woman for logan to start a life with. i've always had incredibly high standards for the women logan dates, because even I'M catty when it comes to his girlfriends, but when he told me he was dating chantel, i was ecstatic. i have cared very deeply for chantel since the moment we met, and i know first-hand just how wonderful she is to have in your life.
then there's mark, who always explained everything i ever wanted to know about music to me, and when confronted by crazy-neighbor-lady shouting, "you just know how awesome she is, and want to keep her (me) to yourselves!" quickly replied, "damn straight." that is without a doubt, one of the best compliments i have ever been paid. i think very highly of mark's opinion, and it makes me happy that he thinks i'm cool.
christian (who warrants his own entry's-worth of praise), has actually been around fairly often since i moved. thank god, because if i lost contact with all of my best friends, i would go crazy.
there are scores of lesser people: the cool neighbors, garrett, adam, trevor, ryan, and joy to name a few, all of whom have at some time brightened my life, and whom i miss.
the only pretty fun thing i've done since i've been up here is going out karaoke-ing. there are tons of interesting people to talk to, alcohol a-plenty, singing, and something randomly cool always happens. when i first met gary, back when i lived on 51st street, he used to go out to clubs at least 2 or 3 times a week. then he would always come and crash at my place because i was closer than his apartment and gary's a very sleepy individual. but now he hardly ever goes! what a freaking sheist-job! i wanna go out! as often as possible! i like music and dancing and fun! i'm not saying i can't have fun at home with gary, or that he should blow a fortune taking me clubbing, but i'd like to go occasionally...more often than i do, anyway. i don't think once ever 1-2 weeks is unreasonable, do you? *sigh*
but i'm being too harsh on gary. he works really hard and has to get up really early most days. and he's not like me-- if he's even the slightest bit tired, he will fall asleep doing anything. he's like a toddler. have you ever seen a little kid fall asleep while doing something like eating or getting dressed? that's gary. he has no insomniac in him at all. plus, it is pretty expensive to got out. he's trying to pay off his ginormous tv and find the money to buy me a ring...not to mention the fact that for the first time since i've been a minor (ok, technically logan and eddie supported me hardcore, but they never did stuff like buy me groceries in bulk or music i coveted or paid off some of my personal debts for me. of course, i would have never asked, nor expected them to do so), someone is fulfilling all of my financial and housing needs plus he's doing it without obligating me to do anything. hell, even my mom made me do chores and take care of my brothers and demanded good grades, etc.
gary doesn't ask anything of me, and when i do something like wash the dishes or take out the trash, he acts as though christmas has come early. he doesn't expect anything in return for all of his kindness. he's stated time and time again that living with me is its own reward. he even expressed concern about me getting a job because he wanted me to have time to adjust and relax....seriously, i was here for a month and a half without contributing one thing financially, not even a few groceries or supplying my own bathroom supplies, and he wasn't even annoyed. he didn't feel taken advantage of. he just loved me being home when he got off of work and my lame attempts at domestic tasks like cooking were praised excessively (he exalted my food as if it were gourmet cuisine. no one has ever talked so highly of my cooking as gary...and maybe my mom). he has been wonderful beyond belief. he is the first person in my life i feel has unconditional romantic love for me. he never sees my mistakes or idiosyncrasies as flaws or irritants...they're just part of me, and he loves me, so he gladly does everything humanly possible to honor me and care for me. holy shit, i don't know if i'm used to this kind of thing. he treats me like a princess-- except when i want to be treated like a friend or a buddy or a lover, then he treats me accordingly. *frantically thanks god* oh man, i have no clue how i got this lucky. now i just need to try to be worthy of his faith in me. which, for the most part, i feel i am (that's another great thing-- i don't feel like he loves who he thinks i am or doesn't know me, i really get the feeling he loves ME).
i'm happy about the future, but as always when i'm faced with positive change, i worry about losing the good things i had before. i hope to god i don't disappear from logan and eddie's life. or luke's. or chelsea's. or chantel's. or anyone's. things have to change, i know, but the past doesn't have to be demolished for the future to be constructed. the past has to be part of your future...i hope. i really, truly believe that ramrod (along with other friends i have who are not a part of that group like christian, gary, jakub, robbie, christina h., ashley, lana , and asa) are the creme de la creme as far as friends are concerned. i know i can make new friends if i grow apart from my current ones, but the friends i have now are so great. i can't bear the thought of not being best friends with eddie or logan or luke or christian anymore. i refuse. so, if you're one of those people, just know i won't give you up without a fight.
the trial still hasn't come around, though i wish it would because the anxiety about testifying only darkens and swells with each passing day. it'll be the last time i have to tell the entire story in front of a room full of people, the last time i'll have someone accusingly ask me if i'm a hooker, the last time i'll have to look at...him...him and his evil smile. i'll never have to tell the story so thoroughly that i break down in tears. i'll never have to be cross-examined again. but until it's over, i still spend hours upon hours dreading it, fearing it as one would fear the guillotine. i'm literally that scared. the trial must be taking longer than expected (stupid court system), because the da was going to call when it got closer to the date of my trial testimony, and i haven't heard from her. maybe i'll call her and find out. even though i'd rather stick toothpicks under my toenails and kick a wall, i hope it's soon so i can stop living with this paralyzing fear hanging over me. i only have to do it one more time, that's it. after the dozens of times i've told it and the medical examinations and the police reports and the lawyers and the detectives and the police officers and the over-enthusiastic-yet-well-meaning victim advocates, i'll finally be able to start living something that resembles a normal life. i'm thinking maybe i'm ready for the therapy everyone suggested...i'm going to wait until after i testify though, because i've heard rare cases of witness' testimony being thrown out when it was thought counselors had "coached" the person to say certain things, or had in some other way altered their memory/retelling of events. fuck that. i'm not taking any chances. this guy is going to spend 20 years to life in prison if i have anything to say about it. he can NEVER do this to anyone else. he has kids, kids he should never be able to see again. i couldn't live with myself if i weren't testifying. i'd always be thinking about how some other woman might have her life shattered and how i didn't have the courage and moral sense to put him away.
my mom has also been warning me about the trial. she points out that he's facing life in prison, and i'm the key witness. she's told me to watch my back, make sure i live until the end of the trial. i'd already thought about it, but when she said it out loud the idea really hit home. i mean, i'm not completely worried about getting whacked before i testify...but i will admit, i worry a pretty good amount. his last name is italian, and he implied he was in a gang...but the odds he has mob connections are low. i mean, if the mob wanted me dead, i'd be dead by now...at least that's something...i just have this fear that i'm going to die before justice is served (or at least the closest thing to justice administered by the us government-- i'm not too worried though, jackie's told me what it's like in prison, and it's close enough to hell for me). people might think i'm being a little paranoid, but considering what i've been through, i don't think assuming someone would kill me in cold blood for money/to get a friend off is all that far-fetched. i just have to remind myself that if someone were to set out to kill me, i literally could do nothing about it, and that i shouldn't spend too much time worrying. i'm just cautious and observant now. every second i'm outside. and even when i'm inside around someone i don't know. it'll be nice not to worry about getting hit...yea, i think that would be awesome.
my family is still...my family. my mom's back together with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, whom i despise in a way i can only imagine the kkk hates jewish black people from another country. i hate him so badly...but he makes my mom happy, and she has a friend now, which is the least she should get. jason got his ged and is now working at albertson's, going to community college(i'm not sure which one), and saving up to go to a technical school. he's so good with money and so determined; i know he'll succeed at whatever he puts his mind to. fuck all the non-believers who didn't see jason's potential. i hate him though, because he was rich enough to buy a psp the week it came out and has a brand-new computer he built himself. :) haha, but i guess if i were living at home and working full-time, i could have that wonderful life too! alex is still living with jackie in texas. i miss him terribly. alex was my first best friend, and he's growing up without me. the next time i see him, he'll be a man and won't need his big sister anymore. :( on the amusing side, he is starting to sound like a southern rapper. texas is really getting to him. i tell him farming is all well and good, but not to forget he's a city-boy. i hope to god alex doesn't decide to live in texas when he graduates. that would break my heart. maybe i'll threaten jackie into bringing my baby brother back. i still have to tell jackie that i want him to give me away at my wedding. it's only appropriate, seeing as jackie is the only real dad i've ever had. he let me live with him when i was homeless, helped pay for schoolbooks, gave me money for prom, and most importantly, always called jason and i his "kids" despite the fact there is no blood relation whatsoever. a person doesn't have to share a bloodline with you to be family-- jackie's proof of that. i still haven't told my grandparents where i live, mostly because i don't want them to be disappointed in me for living in sin with gary. i'm missing them hardcore, though...i'll have to call them soon. i want to hear my grandma's laugh and my grandpa's chuckle. i miss them, they're like my only extended family, and window to who my mom is...plus, it's not like they'll be around forever. i should stop being a fucking wuss and call them...i will! today. i'll call them today. :D
well, that's everything. i know this was really long, but i was in one of those "contemplative about my life" moods, and i needed to at least write it. thanks (and i'm impressed) in advance to everyone who reads this. hey, if you do read it (even a good chunk of it) leave a comment so i'll know who's up-to-date on the life of jo. whew! i feel better...and i can't feel part of my left hand...*smacks hand repeatedly*
been dazed and confused for so long it’s not true, wanted a woman never bargained for you, lots of people talk and few of them know, the soul of a woman was created belo-ow!
well, starting on friday i began my 6 consecutive closing shifts in the cafe. friday and saturday were a bitch, but the rest of my shifts shouldn't be that bad because we won't have the weekend crowd...unless there's some sort of holiday on monday i don't know about. lol......oh god, there isn't, is there? anywho, i've closed on weekdays before, and it's a cakewalk. so the worst of it is behind me. i just really wish i could have gotten some sleep tonight/this morning, because i'm going to be dead on my feet at work today. luckily, it'll be a slow sunday. on the bright side, it means i'm guaranteed to get great sleep tonight because i'll be mentally and physically exhausted. work is going ok, i guess. they hired me to work in the cafe with the promise (explicitly stated multiple times before, during, and after i was hired) that i would also be trained on the book floor and eventually work there exclusively (allowing for occasional shifts in the cafe when they were short-staffed). it is quickly becoming apparent that the management staff at barnes and noble mira mesa are a bunch of bold-faced liars. their pants are ablaze, it's an inferno. anyone can see that once a person is trained in cafe, their chances for advancement/escape are non-existent. plus, the cafe employees are treated like fucking lepers by the everyone, helped by no one, constantly under-staffed, ignored by the management in general (despite always being over on numbers, working our asses off, and taking all the shit given to us without complaint), and looked upon with apathetic ignorance by the general staff.
for example, last night we had two people closing in cafe, which is FUCKING RETARDED because on weekends you need at least three people to close in any kind of timely manner. though i suppose no one cares about that, because even though we reshelve and help with recovery when we finish first, no one ever comes over to help in cafe. today in the middle of a crazy 9 pm rush, our third person at the time (who was leaving at ten and needed to help us on the floor/preclose) is taken by the management staff to go run to a neighboring store for 5's. ok...what the fuck were they thinking? seriously. never have i seen a line as long as ours was (a "line as long" being out the door...for a few hours straight, no less) at cash wrap, it was just plain irresponsible and disrespectful to take a person from cafe instead of the book floor. seriously, taking one person depletes our staff by 33.3333333(infinite 3's, you get the idea), whereas i'm almost 100% sure that one person missing from the floor would not have been as crippling as it was to us. they seriously expect everything for nothing.
i have another beef with them, that's actually relatively small, but....i'm making minimum wage. i haven't made money like that since i worked at jack in the box. every other company has had the respect to pay a little bit more (even if it's less than a dollar more) when they expected roles of responsibility to be taken up by their employees. it's almost unfair to compare them to starbucks, because starbucks treats their employees better than any other employer when it comes to entry-level, part-time employees, but even when i worked at charlotte russe i made $7.50/hr. and my highest wage ever (which sadly enough, was at my first job as a hostess in the gaslamp), was $8.50/hr plus tips. i had this job when i was 16. i mean, jesus. i have definitely traded down. hell, when i tutored kids in high school i got $9/hr. money wouldn't matter to me if i didn't feel like the managers there wouldn't even so much as bother to piss on me if i were on fire, or if i didn't get the sinking feeling that the promises of book floor training was only sweet words to lure me in. plus, most of the people there are kind of snobby, though it could be because i'm a cafe person. i cannot exaggerate how badly we get treated, which is complete and utter bullshit. these people could go and get a job at starbucks for more money, benefits, tips, and actually have an employer who gives a rat's ass, so they should treat us better. people with barista skills are worth more money. i've never seen barista's get paid so little. hell, the living room was offering $9/hr to former starbucks baristas when i worked at starbucks (i didn't take it because with tips and benefits, my job was better. plus, i was in love with that job). i mean, cafe employees are supposedly barnes and noble employees, with a right to all the courtesy every worker should receive. they made a huge deal about it when i had orientation. what a fucking crock.
when i get a job bar tending or working as a bar back or some other cool job (and oh, i will); (i can easily work here as long as i have to and look for a new job concurrently), i'm going to call the health inspector and the anonymous barnes and noble number to tell them that most of the people in cafe don't have a food-handler's card. we're supposed to, but no one in charge feels it's important to train the lowly cafe slaves. i mean, there are managers on-staff who are able to certify us. apparently, it only takes about a half hour. and no one has even gotten around to it. you're supposed to get it within the first two weeks, but i don't have one, and neither does luke (or any of the other people kristi didn't have time to train, for that matter). most of us haven't even really been trained in anything. and it's not like we can ask for help either, because no one on the book floor knows anything that would help us. fuck, it sucks now that kristi's gone, because she totally stood up for the cafe people and made sure we didn't get pushed around or ignored....but now that there is no cafe manager (that's right, we to do our best at team-manage because apparently we don't even warrant a leader), everything's gone to hell very quickly. i mean, i was only there for a week before kristi left, but the difference is as clear as night and day.
oh yea, when i leave the management is going to at least get severe reprimands from the law and the company if not threats of dismissal for failure to follow such a simple health code (failure no one seems to even give a passing thought to, i might add)...and maybe the company will be fined. pfft...serves them right. i'm beginning to hate this job more than jack in the box (which seems impossible and horrifying), but at least at jack they were honest about what your place was, and you most certainly never had to assume managerial duties because the company didn't bother to hire a management staff. i hate barnes and noble. die die die die die....and to think i was willing to do kids, whole-heartedly, too. aspiring to do it even. but because of the bass-akwards hierarchy, i'll never even be given the chance..... well, they can just find another smart, friendly, eager-to-learn, hard-working, person who loves kids to help them out in the least-wanted position on the floor. good fucking luck. *curses barnes and noble as she shakes her fist angrily*
i'm finally getting into the groove of things up here. despite the crimson, immortal, blood-thirsty hate i have for my job, i will admit it has helped with the adjusting. plus, i've started seeing people i haven't seen in a while because i guess some people i lost contact with now live in mira mesa. so i suppose i'm adjusting fine, but i feel so bla all the time now. not necessarily bad, but..."bla". every day is the same. i either go to work, hang out with gary after work and watch tv/play dominoes OR i don't have work and depending on whether gary does or not, i either listen to music all day by myself or we spend the whole day watching tv and playing dominoes....i just miss not knowing exactly what my day will hold. i miss my friends. badly. interesting people make for an interesting life, and when i lived with logan and eddie, interesting people were never in short supply. everything was always changing and things were exciting because even though we rarely did, we always knew could end up do anything and everything if it caught our fancy.
luke is always a good time; he's the first friend i've had since asa who always cheers me up when i was sad and can always make me laugh. after superbowl sunday, my world came crashing down, but luke was one of the people who really helped me cope by treating my like he always had. he never walked on egg-shells around me or treated me like i was damaged or made me feel bad for talking about my feeling and the events that caused them. he treated me in a way that made me feel like maybe i wasn't broken or soiled...with a little bit of a gentle edge. he was just what i needed, because they way people looked at me sometimes made me feel so dirty and disgusting, like i was a monster no one could take their eyes off of. i realize the events were traumatic on those closest to me, and i in no way blame anyone in a negative way for their actions, but sometimes i just needed someone to walk up like nothing was wrong. desperately wanted someone to talk casually about wrestling and laugh at my silly jokes and accept my silence and timidity. it was also really neat because me talking got luke talking, and now i feel like i know him a lot better, and i have a newfound respect for the boy.
i miss having eddie around. i don't know if it's because of the reoccurring dreams i had about eddie protecting me (in several of my dreams, eddie goes sick-house on a stranger who calls me the "n" word and shoves me and proceeds to get the holy-hell beaten out of him), but i feel safe around eddie, like nothing could possibly hurt me when he's there. it also has a lot to do with the fact that eddie is always there to be "jo's emotional breakdown" buddy without fail. and he knows he can always talk to me. and between us we know logan better than anyone in the whole world. logan's a very unique person, definitely the kind who changes who you are if you're close to him. sharing a best friend (and knowing that we share the mind-set necessary to have that kind of relationship with such an unusual person like logan), as well as becoming good friends in our own right, was wonderful. even when eddie disagreed with me, i always felt he understood. it's hard to find understanding in this world. i miss watching buffy for hours upon hours or angel or random wrestling matches. i miss how i could always call eddie to tell him the most random things because i know he wouldn't get mad at me for calling, and would be just as entertained as me (actually, i still do that one...though not as much as i used to. and i can't bring random objects i think are funny/cool home for him to see anymore). i miss how it felt to feel so comfortable and safe with someone. i miss being able to sleep with him when i was frightened out of my mind, jumping at shadows and crying in the dark. eddie was safe and he loved me and being far away from him is torture.
then there's logan. we fought almost all the time...well, i think he thought we fought more than i thought we fought, because i like to be contrary just to hear what other people think and exercise my debate skills. i miss him terribly. logan is the one person in my life i have ever met whom i would say is just like me. honestly, if i were male, i would be nearly identical to logan personality-wise. it's so infrequently that one finds a person who can truly be considered a soul-mate. i don't think your soul-mate has to be a perfect romantic love, or even that you have to be your soul-mate's soul-mate. logan is my soul-mate, i have no doubt about it. i believe your soul-mate and the love of your life can be different people. logan is the person with whom i share an unexplainable bond and who knows me in a way no one else can. gary is the love of my life, the person who's life fits with mine and who supports me and cares for me with loving care in every way-- but most importantly, the love of your life loves you wholly and makes you a more beautiful person in their presence. gary is the person i am going to marry and my new family, for all intents and purposes. but logan is probably the closest friend i've ever had, simply because he has seen me at my worst, and i have seen him at his. sometimes i would be upset or angry or depressed, and logan would do or say exactly what i needed. on top of all that, we've known each other since we were kids; i was one of the first friends logan made after moving here from florida. his family embraced me as one of their own, giving me a family dynamic i'd never had before. the jordans showed unparalleled kindness toward me, and to this day i still come to miss coral seeking advice, inquiring about her life, and telling her about my life (she was the first adult, even before my mom or any of my friends whom i told of my engagement). she asked all the right questions, queries motivated by concern and happiness for me. i almost feel silly, but i honestly felt better after receiving her blessing. on top of all that, logan gave me my love of theology and fiona apple and so many more things than i can count. he has held me in my darkest times, even going so far as to open his home to me and worry over what i ate and even if i had enough tampons. that's friendship. when a male friend buys you tampons, he is officially a fantastic friend. because we're so similar and emotionally passionate, we hurt one other a lot. i know he's hurt me, and i, him. logan and i set each other off sometimes. still, i love the security of knowing that even when you screw up or hurt someone, they will still love you-- even if they're thoroughly livid with you. there have been times when logan and i have gone from screaming matches to tearful hugs, to laughing, nonchalant banter in the span of five minutes. we're crazy, but in the same way, in the "feeling everything, loving and hating the world at once, too smart/contemplative for our own good, melancholy, yet fun and witty" way. i miss that familiar battle of wits. sometimes we would just argue old-school romantic comedy style, matching wits so quickly and amusingly we would even entertain ourselves. sometimes we would even do it in public because people would stop to watch and try to laugh without us seeing. i miss fighting with someone i love and knowing that nothing i could do would make them stop loving me or being my friend. especially since i just got to know logan gain after such a long separation, i'm finding it painfully hard to go back to not having him around...or fighting with him, haha.
there are other people too...like wonderfully sweet chelsea, who cried when i told her i got fired and never hesitated to buy me dinner or share anything she had with me. a girl who by all accounts should be too young to be as mature and insightful as she is, and treats eddie like gold (which i totally approve of!). this girl always make small-talk with me, gave me another tomboy to hang out with, and helped even-out the male/female ratio when the boys ganged up on me.
then there's chantel, who since the day i met her has been nothing short of an unequivocally beautiful, kind, true, smart, talented, and witty treasure of a girl. she could have easily been a bitch to me because i was logan's ex (and she would have been pretty justified in doing so according to most people), but she would never be so petty. she was always nice to me, cooked for me, shared her alcohol, cigarettes, and bud with me-- all without a second thought. i'm not even sure if i could be as gracious, but i'm so grateful for her altruism. i can't think of a more wonderful woman for logan to start a life with. i've always had incredibly high standards for the women logan dates, because even I'M catty when it comes to his girlfriends, but when he told me he was dating chantel, i was ecstatic. i have cared very deeply for chantel since the moment we met, and i know first-hand just how wonderful she is to have in your life.
then there's mark, who always explained everything i ever wanted to know about music to me, and when confronted by crazy-neighbor-lady shouting, "you just know how awesome she is, and want to keep her (me) to yourselves!" quickly replied, "damn straight." that is without a doubt, one of the best compliments i have ever been paid. i think very highly of mark's opinion, and it makes me happy that he thinks i'm cool.
christian (who warrants his own entry's-worth of praise), has actually been around fairly often since i moved. thank god, because if i lost contact with all of my best friends, i would go crazy.
there are scores of lesser people: the cool neighbors, garrett, adam, trevor, ryan, and joy to name a few, all of whom have at some time brightened my life, and whom i miss.
the only pretty fun thing i've done since i've been up here is going out karaoke-ing. there are tons of interesting people to talk to, alcohol a-plenty, singing, and something randomly cool always happens. when i first met gary, back when i lived on 51st street, he used to go out to clubs at least 2 or 3 times a week. then he would always come and crash at my place because i was closer than his apartment and gary's a very sleepy individual. but now he hardly ever goes! what a freaking sheist-job! i wanna go out! as often as possible! i like music and dancing and fun! i'm not saying i can't have fun at home with gary, or that he should blow a fortune taking me clubbing, but i'd like to go occasionally...more often than i do, anyway. i don't think once ever 1-2 weeks is unreasonable, do you? *sigh*
but i'm being too harsh on gary. he works really hard and has to get up really early most days. and he's not like me-- if he's even the slightest bit tired, he will fall asleep doing anything. he's like a toddler. have you ever seen a little kid fall asleep while doing something like eating or getting dressed? that's gary. he has no insomniac in him at all. plus, it is pretty expensive to got out. he's trying to pay off his ginormous tv and find the money to buy me a ring...not to mention the fact that for the first time since i've been a minor (ok, technically logan and eddie supported me hardcore, but they never did stuff like buy me groceries in bulk or music i coveted or paid off some of my personal debts for me. of course, i would have never asked, nor expected them to do so), someone is fulfilling all of my financial and housing needs plus he's doing it without obligating me to do anything. hell, even my mom made me do chores and take care of my brothers and demanded good grades, etc.
gary doesn't ask anything of me, and when i do something like wash the dishes or take out the trash, he acts as though christmas has come early. he doesn't expect anything in return for all of his kindness. he's stated time and time again that living with me is its own reward. he even expressed concern about me getting a job because he wanted me to have time to adjust and relax....seriously, i was here for a month and a half without contributing one thing financially, not even a few groceries or supplying my own bathroom supplies, and he wasn't even annoyed. he didn't feel taken advantage of. he just loved me being home when he got off of work and my lame attempts at domestic tasks like cooking were praised excessively (he exalted my food as if it were gourmet cuisine. no one has ever talked so highly of my cooking as gary...and maybe my mom). he has been wonderful beyond belief. he is the first person in my life i feel has unconditional romantic love for me. he never sees my mistakes or idiosyncrasies as flaws or irritants...they're just part of me, and he loves me, so he gladly does everything humanly possible to honor me and care for me. holy shit, i don't know if i'm used to this kind of thing. he treats me like a princess-- except when i want to be treated like a friend or a buddy or a lover, then he treats me accordingly. *frantically thanks god* oh man, i have no clue how i got this lucky. now i just need to try to be worthy of his faith in me. which, for the most part, i feel i am (that's another great thing-- i don't feel like he loves who he thinks i am or doesn't know me, i really get the feeling he loves ME).
i'm happy about the future, but as always when i'm faced with positive change, i worry about losing the good things i had before. i hope to god i don't disappear from logan and eddie's life. or luke's. or chelsea's. or chantel's. or anyone's. things have to change, i know, but the past doesn't have to be demolished for the future to be constructed. the past has to be part of your future...i hope. i really, truly believe that ramrod (along with other friends i have who are not a part of that group like christian, gary, jakub, robbie, christina h., ashley, lana , and asa) are the creme de la creme as far as friends are concerned. i know i can make new friends if i grow apart from my current ones, but the friends i have now are so great. i can't bear the thought of not being best friends with eddie or logan or luke or christian anymore. i refuse. so, if you're one of those people, just know i won't give you up without a fight.
the trial still hasn't come around, though i wish it would because the anxiety about testifying only darkens and swells with each passing day. it'll be the last time i have to tell the entire story in front of a room full of people, the last time i'll have someone accusingly ask me if i'm a hooker, the last time i'll have to look at...him...him and his evil smile. i'll never have to tell the story so thoroughly that i break down in tears. i'll never have to be cross-examined again. but until it's over, i still spend hours upon hours dreading it, fearing it as one would fear the guillotine. i'm literally that scared. the trial must be taking longer than expected (stupid court system), because the da was going to call when it got closer to the date of my trial testimony, and i haven't heard from her. maybe i'll call her and find out. even though i'd rather stick toothpicks under my toenails and kick a wall, i hope it's soon so i can stop living with this paralyzing fear hanging over me. i only have to do it one more time, that's it. after the dozens of times i've told it and the medical examinations and the police reports and the lawyers and the detectives and the police officers and the over-enthusiastic-yet-well-meaning victim advocates, i'll finally be able to start living something that resembles a normal life. i'm thinking maybe i'm ready for the therapy everyone suggested...i'm going to wait until after i testify though, because i've heard rare cases of witness' testimony being thrown out when it was thought counselors had "coached" the person to say certain things, or had in some other way altered their memory/retelling of events. fuck that. i'm not taking any chances. this guy is going to spend 20 years to life in prison if i have anything to say about it. he can NEVER do this to anyone else. he has kids, kids he should never be able to see again. i couldn't live with myself if i weren't testifying. i'd always be thinking about how some other woman might have her life shattered and how i didn't have the courage and moral sense to put him away.
my mom has also been warning me about the trial. she points out that he's facing life in prison, and i'm the key witness. she's told me to watch my back, make sure i live until the end of the trial. i'd already thought about it, but when she said it out loud the idea really hit home. i mean, i'm not completely worried about getting whacked before i testify...but i will admit, i worry a pretty good amount. his last name is italian, and he implied he was in a gang...but the odds he has mob connections are low. i mean, if the mob wanted me dead, i'd be dead by now...at least that's something...i just have this fear that i'm going to die before justice is served (or at least the closest thing to justice administered by the us government-- i'm not too worried though, jackie's told me what it's like in prison, and it's close enough to hell for me). people might think i'm being a little paranoid, but considering what i've been through, i don't think assuming someone would kill me in cold blood for money/to get a friend off is all that far-fetched. i just have to remind myself that if someone were to set out to kill me, i literally could do nothing about it, and that i shouldn't spend too much time worrying. i'm just cautious and observant now. every second i'm outside. and even when i'm inside around someone i don't know. it'll be nice not to worry about getting hit...yea, i think that would be awesome.
my family is still...my family. my mom's back together with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, whom i despise in a way i can only imagine the kkk hates jewish black people from another country. i hate him so badly...but he makes my mom happy, and she has a friend now, which is the least she should get. jason got his ged and is now working at albertson's, going to community college(i'm not sure which one), and saving up to go to a technical school. he's so good with money and so determined; i know he'll succeed at whatever he puts his mind to. fuck all the non-believers who didn't see jason's potential. i hate him though, because he was rich enough to buy a psp the week it came out and has a brand-new computer he built himself. :) haha, but i guess if i were living at home and working full-time, i could have that wonderful life too! alex is still living with jackie in texas. i miss him terribly. alex was my first best friend, and he's growing up without me. the next time i see him, he'll be a man and won't need his big sister anymore. :( on the amusing side, he is starting to sound like a southern rapper. texas is really getting to him. i tell him farming is all well and good, but not to forget he's a city-boy. i hope to god alex doesn't decide to live in texas when he graduates. that would break my heart. maybe i'll threaten jackie into bringing my baby brother back. i still have to tell jackie that i want him to give me away at my wedding. it's only appropriate, seeing as jackie is the only real dad i've ever had. he let me live with him when i was homeless, helped pay for schoolbooks, gave me money for prom, and most importantly, always called jason and i his "kids" despite the fact there is no blood relation whatsoever. a person doesn't have to share a bloodline with you to be family-- jackie's proof of that. i still haven't told my grandparents where i live, mostly because i don't want them to be disappointed in me for living in sin with gary. i'm missing them hardcore, though...i'll have to call them soon. i want to hear my grandma's laugh and my grandpa's chuckle. i miss them, they're like my only extended family, and window to who my mom is...plus, it's not like they'll be around forever. i should stop being a fucking wuss and call them...i will! today. i'll call them today. :D
well, that's everything. i know this was really long, but i was in one of those "contemplative about my life" moods, and i needed to at least write it. thanks (and i'm impressed) in advance to everyone who reads this. hey, if you do read it (even a good chunk of it) leave a comment so i'll know who's up-to-date on the life of jo. whew! i feel better...and i can't feel part of my left hand...*smacks hand repeatedly*
been dazed and confused for so long it’s not true, wanted a woman never bargained for you, lots of people talk and few of them know, the soul of a woman was created belo-ow!