Not Fandom-Related, So Just Keep Scrolling
So, for the last two days I have been in a bit of a funk, that I'm not really sure how to get out of. The thing that really sucks about my job is that I spend the first 4 hours of my shift by myself, left alone to my thoughts. Sometimes it works out and I think about fandom stuff and get really happy. It's also nice because I can listen to my music and no one really bugs me. SOmetimes though, it is just a pain in the butt. Sometimes, I will just have a fleeting thought, which then rolls around in my head, and then it turns super negative, and eventually eats away at me until I'm in a really bad mood, even though nothing has really happened.
That's kind of what happened yesterday. i still don't really remember what triggered it, but suddenly I just felt really isolated and alone. LIke, I seriously have no idea why, I just really feel left out. When this happens my thought process is something like: left out/5th wheel ------> everyone hates me --------> I'm a really annoying person, so no wonder ----------> become really quiet and self-isolate myself -----------> feel even more alone because no one cares.
Like, logically speaking, I know it's really stupid, but it seems to happen a lot to me. I guess I just suffer from a lack of self-confidence, which has been reinforced by several factors, one of which being: every time I have ever really felt super comfortable with someone, they usually end up hating me and/or just stop talking to me. This has happened a couple of times. My natural self is to be shy and reserved, but once I feel comfortable, I guess I get loud and more talkative (unless I'm in a situation where I need to speak, like a job interview, I can do it). But, the few times I have really and truly gotten to a level where I feel open and can trust someone, they betray me in some way. I used to think maybe there was something just wrong with them, but it's happened enough times that I'm starting to believe that I must just be a truly annoying person.
Like, right now, I really am grateful I have Rebecca to flail with and watch stuff with, and she didn't just get annoyed and mad at me when I tried to get her into johnny's (like my one friend, who quite literally yelled at when I tried to show her an arashi concert). Like, it seriously makes me happy to have someone in real life to do stuff with. But there is a part of me, somewhere deep in my heart, that wonders when she will finally get annoyed with me and want to stop hanging out. I feel like it's inevitable at this point.
These are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head for the past two days. That no one really likes me. I think it was also brought on, to a certain extent, to two people complaint about me. Like, last thursday this old lady came up to me, told me I had been snappy with her when she has asked if we could leave the bathroom door open because it gets so cold in there, and I responded with a "Oh, I prefer it colder :D". She then said I had stared at her while she was doing her classes, and that other people had noticed, and that I should be grateful she didn't go tell my boss. Then some other woman just was questioning in a loud, hateful voice, in the locker room , how much I took my job seriously. Maybe I am just a pain in the ass? .______,
Then, with Megan, I just feel like she only calls me when she wants to talk about how much of an asshole brett is. It's gotten to the point where I don't even take her calls, because I know it's going to be an hour of her just talking about brett. Like, she had already given jesse and brett their presents, but came in monday and was like, "oh, I don't have yours with me, let do it on friday."
Not helping my mood at all, today I had bought candy canes to pass out to people, since I figured most people won't be in on Monday, and instead of just taking the candy cane, people were giving me attitude about it, like, "If I eat that I would have to get back in the pool to work it off". Like really, you can't just take a candy cane? Like, I try to be nice, and people have to be so weird about it.
While I'm venting, let me just say this: I am seriously getting annoyed with people complaining about the 3:4 split in Kismai. Like, GET OVER IT. First of all, kismai is super popular, they have a variety show, radio show, get commercials, have put out 6 singles, an album, have had tours, PLAYED THE TOKYO DOME, all within their first year of debuting. Like, I'm no kismai expert, admittedly, but all of their junior songs had basically main vocals by Kitayama/Fujigaya, so it's kind of always been this way, why all of the sudden is there is outrage over the split? Sorry, I really have no sympathy -_____-
I don't know, my mood has just been all over the place, and I just feel like poop. It got kind of bad on Thursday, that I cried a little in the bathroom :| I think I'll just curl up in a ball and got to bed.
That's kind of what happened yesterday. i still don't really remember what triggered it, but suddenly I just felt really isolated and alone. LIke, I seriously have no idea why, I just really feel left out. When this happens my thought process is something like: left out/5th wheel ------> everyone hates me --------> I'm a really annoying person, so no wonder ----------> become really quiet and self-isolate myself -----------> feel even more alone because no one cares.
Like, logically speaking, I know it's really stupid, but it seems to happen a lot to me. I guess I just suffer from a lack of self-confidence, which has been reinforced by several factors, one of which being: every time I have ever really felt super comfortable with someone, they usually end up hating me and/or just stop talking to me. This has happened a couple of times. My natural self is to be shy and reserved, but once I feel comfortable, I guess I get loud and more talkative (unless I'm in a situation where I need to speak, like a job interview, I can do it). But, the few times I have really and truly gotten to a level where I feel open and can trust someone, they betray me in some way. I used to think maybe there was something just wrong with them, but it's happened enough times that I'm starting to believe that I must just be a truly annoying person.
Like, right now, I really am grateful I have Rebecca to flail with and watch stuff with, and she didn't just get annoyed and mad at me when I tried to get her into johnny's (like my one friend, who quite literally yelled at when I tried to show her an arashi concert). Like, it seriously makes me happy to have someone in real life to do stuff with. But there is a part of me, somewhere deep in my heart, that wonders when she will finally get annoyed with me and want to stop hanging out. I feel like it's inevitable at this point.
These are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head for the past two days. That no one really likes me. I think it was also brought on, to a certain extent, to two people complaint about me. Like, last thursday this old lady came up to me, told me I had been snappy with her when she has asked if we could leave the bathroom door open because it gets so cold in there, and I responded with a "Oh, I prefer it colder :D". She then said I had stared at her while she was doing her classes, and that other people had noticed, and that I should be grateful she didn't go tell my boss. Then some other woman just was questioning in a loud, hateful voice, in the locker room , how much I took my job seriously. Maybe I am just a pain in the ass? .______,
Then, with Megan, I just feel like she only calls me when she wants to talk about how much of an asshole brett is. It's gotten to the point where I don't even take her calls, because I know it's going to be an hour of her just talking about brett. Like, she had already given jesse and brett their presents, but came in monday and was like, "oh, I don't have yours with me, let do it on friday."
Not helping my mood at all, today I had bought candy canes to pass out to people, since I figured most people won't be in on Monday, and instead of just taking the candy cane, people were giving me attitude about it, like, "If I eat that I would have to get back in the pool to work it off". Like really, you can't just take a candy cane? Like, I try to be nice, and people have to be so weird about it.
While I'm venting, let me just say this: I am seriously getting annoyed with people complaining about the 3:4 split in Kismai. Like, GET OVER IT. First of all, kismai is super popular, they have a variety show, radio show, get commercials, have put out 6 singles, an album, have had tours, PLAYED THE TOKYO DOME, all within their first year of debuting. Like, I'm no kismai expert, admittedly, but all of their junior songs had basically main vocals by Kitayama/Fujigaya, so it's kind of always been this way, why all of the sudden is there is outrage over the split? Sorry, I really have no sympathy -_____-
I don't know, my mood has just been all over the place, and I just feel like poop. It got kind of bad on Thursday, that I cried a little in the bathroom :| I think I'll just curl up in a ball and got to bed.