Less than a week until christmas
It's less than a week until christmas, and really for the past couple of days, maybe starting on Saturday, I've been feeling really sad and depressed. Nothing to do with the holidays or anything like that, it's just i guess that post-japan depression decided to rear its ugly head again. I guess I probably never fully dealt with anything when I first got back after the summer, mostly because I was thrust right back into going to class and work; i used my schedule and habits as a crutch to deal with everything. It really provided a welcome distraction from all the things that made me sad. But, as soon as I turned in my last paper and had more free time, all those little problems started to bubble up again, and it really made me feel depressed. Things I had put off dealing with just came and slapped me in the face, and it literally made me cry, for like 5 days straight. But today I woke up and felt ok, not amazing, but definitely I didn't feel like crying anymore. I think my brain needed some time to normalize the situation, and to just somewhat start to get over some things. LIke, i forgot that I'm a strong, independent person, and really the key to your happiness is not relying on other, but by achieving it yourself. i forgot I'm more of a lone wolf, and I can fend for myself, I've been this way most of my life, and I've come to accept that it's an ok thing to be. I feel like, my mom and sister have always thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't socialize well with others, or really feel the need to be with other people all the time. I guess I don't really see a problem with that, since it's better not to cling and really depend on other people that can let you down. I guess I really forgot that, and was hoping that when I came back, I would be able to have a crutch to help me through a rough time in my life. But really that person hasn't been there for me at all, and it's been so saddening and frustrating, especially when you tell them, several times, that you really need them to step it up, but nothing changes, and I was left feeling abandoned and alone when I really needed it.
I know I could have dealt with things better, and been more proactive, but at the same time, it gets frustrating to always have to be the one to initiate things, especially when you're not feeling up to it in the first place, it really made me feel like I was the only one who cared, and then it leads to feeling like you're just putting yourself as a burden on the other person, and then feel guilty about always bringing it up, or like feeling like you're nothing but a bitch and an asshole. I vented to my sister about it, and it took a day or two to sink in the main message she gave me: the more you try to fix things and nothing changes, the more depressed and aggravated you will get. I guess this morning, it just finally sunk it, and I didn't feel so depressed about it anymore. Then I was thinking, as I'm prone to do at 5 in the morning mindlessly watching people swim back and forth, that really, I shouldn't let this person make me feel like crap about myself, and that I really am stronger than that. I realized that I think I really have grown as a person. Like, first-college-try-Ellen would have never made it to Japan, ever. I realize now that several things would have happened: 1) I would have told my mom I was thinking about doing this thing, and then she would have just badgered me and badgered me until I didn't feel like doing it anymore or I would have looked into it and thought it was too much effort and decided not to go. 2) given the fact that the study abroad lady at my school wasn't exactly on board with the program I wanted to do, first-college-try-Ellen would have given up there or compromised. I knew I wanted to at least try an intensive japanese language program, because I really wanted to try and learn the language in some capacity. Honestly, when I found the program, I thought i seemed like exactly what I wanted, and when I asked her if it would be ok, she basically told me that it was probably too intensive, expensive, and since it cut into the semester, I'd have to go through all the school bureaucratic stuff to get approval to go. Past me definitely would have given up there. Instead i just went behind her back and just talked to my professor about doing extra work to make up for missed classes, which he was ok with. Then, if first-college-try-Ellen had even made it this far, the fear of the unknown probably would have paralyzed me enough to not want to go. The taurus in me loves having a set schedule, and doesn't like to deviate much from it. I would have been petrified of asking off work, or worrying about friendships, worrying about what classes would be like and if I could even do it and not fail miserably, if i would be miserable in Japan, away from everything I knew. Not that present me didn't worry about these things greatly, worry about whether I was making a mistake or not.
But you know what? I did it, I made it through all the worrying about everything else, and just did it, and for that I am super fucking proud of myself. I made it through that feeling of just wanting to run away from the unknown, and just fucking did it. I was able to really enjoy myself, even if I had no one to hang out with, and just be. I enjoyed pretty much every minute and the only thing I regret is not still being there. When I first brought it up to my mom, telling her about being there 5 months, her response was "don't you want to be there longer?" which i did, and still do. But I also realized I only had a year left of school, so if I could power through and finish, i could do something different, and that at least that would be accomplished, and it wouldn't be like a black cloud hanging over me. I feel like I've grown as a person over the last couple of years, and I guess I needed a slap in the face to remember that clinging to something is bad, and clinging to the way things used to be will get me no where. I think my brain has finally normalized the reality of life as it is now. I think it helps that I do have my friend Megan, who I can hang out with, and go out to lunch with, and even if all we talk about is how dumb brett is, it's still fun, and I always leave in a better mood. I think it's what I need, and i think it helped me snap out of my depressed, self-pitying mood. That doesn't mean I'm over it, and not mad any more, or won't be sad about it in the future, but at least it's a little better
Of course, even when I was feeling really sad, i couldn't help but think about this song XD LIke I was setting up, felt like crying when this song just got stuck in my head. Good to know that even when I'm depressed, I still somewhat have a sense of humor XD
I watched the chanzoo of fumi (and the rest of them) learning how to swim XD LIke, such idiots XD and It's really the only thing I feel confident in saying I could do better than them XD Hassh's stroke especially was AWFUL XD Looking at it, I could totally tell what was wrong and how to fix it, but XD Tsuka-chan looked like a kid, and his muscles were definitely getting in the way of everything XD Their coach guy seemed really cool and enthusiastic, so it made it really fun to watch (even if I kept wishing I could be the one to teach them v_v)
In other news, we just got puppies and they are so freaking cute I CANNOT. We've had them for a couple of weeks now, and just everything about them bring a smile to my face, even when I feel like I want to cry. They chew everything, but are so stinking cute that it's easy to forgive them. It's become a joke that anything on the ground is a chew toy. Roxie is seriously the most food motivated dog I have ever met. She literally tried to rip food out of buster and luke's mouths XD and at the vet, he gave her treats and she didn't notice anything like when he was giving her shots XD Luke is so cute too, especially when they all really get into playing, he just looks like he's having so much fun X3 They bark a lot, but right now they just sound like those yappy dog toys XD I seriously cannot with them most of the time X3 I take way too many pictures XD;; Buster is pretty good at climbing the stairs, even though he cries the whole way up, can't get down yet or make it the final step, because he can't get any traction on the kitchen floor XD Puppies really do have a healing property to them
[Roxie and Buster]
Also, i have a stack of papas and stage photos that I will scan at some point after I finish making some bags, baking cookies, and wrapping presents XD;;; I have abc za stage photos, papas from dream boys and abc za, fumi pamphlet offshots and tatsu and noeru playzone, and random snow man, keigo kid and noeru stuff X3
Plus, my sister comes in a couple of days, should be interesting XD
Hope everyone is having a nice holiday season!! X3
(she is having none of it XD)
I know I could have dealt with things better, and been more proactive, but at the same time, it gets frustrating to always have to be the one to initiate things, especially when you're not feeling up to it in the first place, it really made me feel like I was the only one who cared, and then it leads to feeling like you're just putting yourself as a burden on the other person, and then feel guilty about always bringing it up, or like feeling like you're nothing but a bitch and an asshole. I vented to my sister about it, and it took a day or two to sink in the main message she gave me: the more you try to fix things and nothing changes, the more depressed and aggravated you will get. I guess this morning, it just finally sunk it, and I didn't feel so depressed about it anymore. Then I was thinking, as I'm prone to do at 5 in the morning mindlessly watching people swim back and forth, that really, I shouldn't let this person make me feel like crap about myself, and that I really am stronger than that. I realized that I think I really have grown as a person. Like, first-college-try-Ellen would have never made it to Japan, ever. I realize now that several things would have happened: 1) I would have told my mom I was thinking about doing this thing, and then she would have just badgered me and badgered me until I didn't feel like doing it anymore or I would have looked into it and thought it was too much effort and decided not to go. 2) given the fact that the study abroad lady at my school wasn't exactly on board with the program I wanted to do, first-college-try-Ellen would have given up there or compromised. I knew I wanted to at least try an intensive japanese language program, because I really wanted to try and learn the language in some capacity. Honestly, when I found the program, I thought i seemed like exactly what I wanted, and when I asked her if it would be ok, she basically told me that it was probably too intensive, expensive, and since it cut into the semester, I'd have to go through all the school bureaucratic stuff to get approval to go. Past me definitely would have given up there. Instead i just went behind her back and just talked to my professor about doing extra work to make up for missed classes, which he was ok with. Then, if first-college-try-Ellen had even made it this far, the fear of the unknown probably would have paralyzed me enough to not want to go. The taurus in me loves having a set schedule, and doesn't like to deviate much from it. I would have been petrified of asking off work, or worrying about friendships, worrying about what classes would be like and if I could even do it and not fail miserably, if i would be miserable in Japan, away from everything I knew. Not that present me didn't worry about these things greatly, worry about whether I was making a mistake or not.
But you know what? I did it, I made it through all the worrying about everything else, and just did it, and for that I am super fucking proud of myself. I made it through that feeling of just wanting to run away from the unknown, and just fucking did it. I was able to really enjoy myself, even if I had no one to hang out with, and just be. I enjoyed pretty much every minute and the only thing I regret is not still being there. When I first brought it up to my mom, telling her about being there 5 months, her response was "don't you want to be there longer?" which i did, and still do. But I also realized I only had a year left of school, so if I could power through and finish, i could do something different, and that at least that would be accomplished, and it wouldn't be like a black cloud hanging over me. I feel like I've grown as a person over the last couple of years, and I guess I needed a slap in the face to remember that clinging to something is bad, and clinging to the way things used to be will get me no where. I think my brain has finally normalized the reality of life as it is now. I think it helps that I do have my friend Megan, who I can hang out with, and go out to lunch with, and even if all we talk about is how dumb brett is, it's still fun, and I always leave in a better mood. I think it's what I need, and i think it helped me snap out of my depressed, self-pitying mood. That doesn't mean I'm over it, and not mad any more, or won't be sad about it in the future, but at least it's a little better
Of course, even when I was feeling really sad, i couldn't help but think about this song XD LIke I was setting up, felt like crying when this song just got stuck in my head. Good to know that even when I'm depressed, I still somewhat have a sense of humor XD
Click to viewI watched the chanzoo of fumi (and the rest of them) learning how to swim XD LIke, such idiots XD and It's really the only thing I feel confident in saying I could do better than them XD Hassh's stroke especially was AWFUL XD Looking at it, I could totally tell what was wrong and how to fix it, but XD Tsuka-chan looked like a kid, and his muscles were definitely getting in the way of everything XD Their coach guy seemed really cool and enthusiastic, so it made it really fun to watch (even if I kept wishing I could be the one to teach them v_v)
In other news, we just got puppies and they are so freaking cute I CANNOT. We've had them for a couple of weeks now, and just everything about them bring a smile to my face, even when I feel like I want to cry. They chew everything, but are so stinking cute that it's easy to forgive them. It's become a joke that anything on the ground is a chew toy. Roxie is seriously the most food motivated dog I have ever met. She literally tried to rip food out of buster and luke's mouths XD and at the vet, he gave her treats and she didn't notice anything like when he was giving her shots XD Luke is so cute too, especially when they all really get into playing, he just looks like he's having so much fun X3 They bark a lot, but right now they just sound like those yappy dog toys XD I seriously cannot with them most of the time X3 I take way too many pictures XD;; Buster is pretty good at climbing the stairs, even though he cries the whole way up, can't get down yet or make it the final step, because he can't get any traction on the kitchen floor XD Puppies really do have a healing property to them
[Roxie and Buster]
Also, i have a stack of papas and stage photos that I will scan at some point after I finish making some bags, baking cookies, and wrapping presents XD;;; I have abc za stage photos, papas from dream boys and abc za, fumi pamphlet offshots and tatsu and noeru playzone, and random snow man, keigo kid and noeru stuff X3
Plus, my sister comes in a couple of days, should be interesting XD
Hope everyone is having a nice holiday season!! X3
(she is having none of it XD)