(Untitled)

[drownondryland]

Most days, honestly, all Meredith really has to do in the clinic is check the charts the other doctors have left, make sure files and supplies are still organized and everything's clean and sterile and in working order. It's a matter of the same tiny details again and again and again, often when no discernible change has been made

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[daretodo]

I shouldn't feel bad. If we were back in the city, requesting a new a doctor would be perfectly normal, just another part of the bureaucracy that is the health care system, but on the Island, it's a heckuva lot more personal -- which is really my problem, anyway. See, I'm not the most social of guys. I have a pretty predictable tendency to keep things close to the chest, of only letting a select few onto this crazy ride I like to call my life, and when it boils right down to it, Mary Jane's the one who keeps inviting Dr. Grey into our lives, not me. Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty grateful for the times the good doctor's patched me up over this past year, but after one of my many minor nervous breakdowns last month -- one of them in front of her, in this very clinic -- it's become apparent that our situation is an awkward one at best. She's one of my wife's closest friends, and while that inherently means she oughta be there for MJ, requiring her to be there for me the next time I find myself on that O.R. table strikes me as almost

[drownondryland]

"Uh, the same," Meredith answers, nodding. "Fine." It's a word she's used far too many times in the last few months, let alone the whole of her life, but that doesn't make it less true. Things aren't great lately, but they aren't terrible either. The problems have reached a plateau, ever-present but, because of that, dulling into just another part of daily life to endure.

Peter, on the other hand, seems a bit distracted. That's fair, though, she figures; she's not the only one things aren't easy for. He probably has plenty on his mind she can't guess at, and probably shouldn't try to. At the very least, his saying he's alright means this isn't one more of those visits that ends in her going home early to tell Sean someone else has disappeared on her. "Just another quiet day, really."

[daretodo]

"So you have time to...?" I ask, gesturing between the two of us with a quick flick of my wrist. There's an awkwardness to my coming here at all that apparently can't be helped -- I mean, for crying out loud, I can't even finish a sentence. Maybe I'm compensating for saying entirely too much the last time, when I was too wound up to bite my tongue. Shaking my head, I let my hand drop down to the chair, fingers curling around the edge of the backrest. I'm silent for a long moment, trying to gather my thoughts, and eventually, I force myself to attempt actual eye contact. There's no point in beating around the bush. "I had something I wanted to discuss, regarding future treatment."

[drownondryland]

Meredith lowers her head a little as she looks up at him, trying and failing to gauge the mood here. At least, she's pretty sure she fails. He can be difficult to read, but then, she's never been all that great at reading other people to begin with. "I have plenty of time," she says. "What can I do for you?"

[daretodo]

"You've done good work," I say, not wanting her to get the wrong idea on that front. "My waking up during surgery aside, you've done really good work, and I know -- I really, really know -- that I have you to thank for every breath I've taken since January. It means a lot, and I'm unbelievably grateful, but... Well, there's a but."

[drownondryland]

"There always is," Meredith says. It's not as if Peter's ever been ungrateful, but that much praise almost never comes without a catch. That doesn't make it any less satisfying to hear -- somewhat awkward, admittedly, but still satisfying. "So what is it?"

[daretodo]

For a second, I debate whether or not I should actually sit down for this, which is incredibly helpful, because it means I don't have to think about answering her for just a little bit longer. In the end, I decide that I probably should, if only so I'm not looming over the desk like the bearer of bad news. Once I ease myself down into the chair, though, I can't help but think I look distinctly uncomfortable -- then again, I'm not sure that's actually much of a change from how I looked when I was still standing up

[drownondryland]

It's both bewildering and something that makes a great deal of sense, all the trouble Peter seems to find himself in here. Meredith has to agree, it's better to be prepared for the likelihood than surprised by it. Mostly, though, irrelevant though it is, she catches herself thinking again that this is why she's thankful that, whatever future everyone else expects of Sean, he has no intention of stepping into that role. Her heart couldn't take it. She doesn't know how Mary Jane does.

"We can hope for the best," she says, "but, yes, it's... these things do keep happening, so it's, it's good to be ready for that."

[daretodo]

"Which is why I'm here," I say after a beat, looking at her with wide eyes. Sucking in a breath that sends a sharp stab of pain through my ribs, I lean forward in the chair, setting my hands flat on the desk between us, mindful to not disturb her things.

"Dr. Grey, in the event that something else happens, I'd like to request that another doctor take the case. The arrangement as it stands now, well... It's unfair to everyone, puts an unnecessary strain between you and Mary Jane should there ever be complications. Not to mention that, because of your friendship, there are things I'm uncomfortable sharing with you, questions I won't ask. Medically speaking, your work has been exemplary, but..." I sigh. "Look, I'm sorry about this, really, I am, but I just think it would be best for everyone if, in the future, I see someone else."

[drownondryland]

There's not one word of what Peter says (except, perhaps, about her being exemplary) that isn't perfectly logical, but it takes Meredith a few moments to process that. Logical or not, it feels rather uncomfortably like being dumped. "Oh," she says. "Well, sure, Peter, of course. Do you have any preference, just in case or...?"

She doubts he does. It's a matter of ending her involvement, not replacing her with someone handpicked, and that's fair. Patients request different doctors all the time. His surgeries have been the only times she felt she had that part of her back again, but that's never been reason enough to wish him harm. If anything, though, that just makes her feel guiltier for that pang of disappointment.

[daretodo]

"I don't, no," I say on an exhale, shaking my head, and still feeling inexplicably awful. This shouldn't be all that big a deal. I mean, we are dealing in hypotheticals, here -- if I get hurt again, if I need a doctor -- but a part of me realizes that I'm preemptively taking away from her what's bound to be an interesting case, something that'll remind her why it was a good idea to go to a fancy medical school for years on end. We're both in the business of saving lives, even if we go through entirely different ways, and it's hard not to sympathize -- until, that is, I realize I'm essentially wishing myself harm so she can play doctor, which pushes even my overdeveloped guilt complex to its limits. I'm not a masochist.

"Preferably someone with decent bedside manner, so that puts Dr. House out of the running, but otherwise..." I trail off, shrugging. "No, I really have no preference. Besides, who knows who'll even be here should the time come, right?" Pulling a face, I pause for a second to reconsider. "Sorry, that was... a little

[drownondryland]

"No, no, it's... realistic," Meredith says quickly. "I mean, who even knows if I'd be here?" It's not something she likes to think about, but that doesn't keep her from it anymore than the plethora of promises and hypotheticals she and Sean have come up with over the months. They can say whatever they want, she could still be gone tomorrow, and any way of getting around that is just a whole lot of playing pretend. The sting of Peter's request is nothing next to that. She really can't blame him. If anything, one of them ought to be smart about this; there's a reason doctors aren't meant to operate on loved ones, and Peter matters enough to Mary Jane that he counts by proxy. "I will... find someone suitable, should the time come."

[daretodo]

"Thank you," I say, absolutely meaning it. While I never doubted that she'd be anything less than professional about this, it's still not the easiest request in the world to make, the extenuating circumstances far from pleasant. "It's appreciated."

[drownondryland]

"You're welcome, Peter." Disappointing though it is, she tells herself, it really is for the best. Meredith has doubts enough about her ability as it is. The last thing she wants is to be proved right about herself while working on Mary Jane's husband anyway. "It's my job. I do what I can to help, whatever that winds up meaning."

[daretodo]

"In this case, let's hope it's nothing," I say with a crooked smile, pushing myself up to my feet. It's unlikely and naïve of me to even think as much, we've covered that, but it still seems like a better way to deal with an uncertain future. Besides, it's not like I haven't made preparations should the worst come to pass. "The clinic should be your home, not mine."

[drownondryland]

Meredith laughs at that, but he's right, as far as she's concerned. As ill-equipped as this place strikes her in her more ungrateful moments, it's still hers, now more than ever. She's proud of what they've done - of how many people they've saved against the odds, of the O.R. Peter's given them. "Let's try and keep your contributions to the technological from now on," she says, "so you can spend more time in your actual home. I am definitely hoping for nothing."