(no subject)
I was just reading through Pilar's journal and she possibly has the deepest journal, expressing her true feelings for everything going on within her. I really admire that and I wish I could do the same. Writing down what I felt used to work; but lately, I've had a tough time explaining to myself what I feel. I think I'm lost, I don't even know what to think anymore. Everything seems as perfect as it can be- but than I wonder what my brother and I are missing out on with my mother not being in our lives. I really want to move. Yesterday, everywhere around Bel Air was somebody I knew. I think my problem is that I push people away, don't want to be friends with them, am too quick to judge... But why am I the only one that thinks these "cool" people are lame? Its all a mystery; because I end up being the only one who has this reasoning. I don't think theres anything wrong with high expectations, but when its leaving you all alone; than there must be something wrong with me. I wish I knew what I had. I hate all my friends, pushed them away, and I'm still not happy. But they certainly seem more exuberant than ever. Without me.
SHIIIIIIITTT. This sounds like a fucking suicide note. Thats why I don't like expressing my feelings; they seem to describe me as a needy psycho; which I'm so not.
gosh, these pictures are so old. I think everyones right; I have changed physically since living in europa. I think I might look happier or more mature now? As ridiculous as that sounds.