Hop Against Homophobia thoughts and feeling~
The wonderful and amazing founders of LT3 Press participated in a blog hop appropriately titled “Hop Against Homophobia”. It gave me a lot of thoughts and feelings~ that I wanted to share. Unfortunately, they will not be nearly as eloquently expressed as Megan, Sasha or Sammie’s post, but that’s why I make pretty things instead of write. XD
First, I really spent some time reflecting today. And all I can come up with is that love is love is love. I think this is actually a clever dual phrase--there’s the obvious, saying that love is equal no matter the gender or sexual orientation of the people involved.
To me, the other meaning is far more important. Love is love is love. Love begets love begets love.
I don’t have any great or insightful words about it, but I really wish instead of focusing on our differences or disagreements, we should instead embrace the things we love in ourselves and each other. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure this happens.
I am so blessed. I have so many amazing, caring, giving, talented, wonderful people in my life. When you pause and take a step back and think “If this or that hadn’t happened, I may not be where I am”, it’s kind of eye-opening.
If I hadn’t decided to stalk all these amazing authors years ago, people I thought were way too cool and amazing for me (still think that! lol), I wouldn’t have my job. If I hadn’t befriended a random gay dude at a bar, I wouldn’t have met all the wonderful people he’s introduced me to, and I may not have ever met my girlfriend. If I hadn’t made friends with this kooky artist chick in California and decided to take a trip out here to see if I’d like to move, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like now--I not only got an amazing, crazy, weird life, but I gained a sister, support, and confidence.
I guess it really made me realize what a tangled web our lives are--and, like a spiders web, it is a delicate and fragile thing. Rip away any one part and you can practically destroy it all! Take away one thing--a person, an event--and you realize how much it had to do with shaping your personality.
I’ve also realized that I’ve fallen out my online community, and I want to fix that. Part of it is being busy, but I have to admit that a lot is a combination of laziness and procrastination and just a weird complicated ball of feelings I have. But I love my online family--I’ve got so many wonderful people in my life, and I feel like i should respect that and stop ignoring that. :)
Lastly, all of this thinking and introspection has made me realize something: I am a tangled web, just like my life. There are many things I don’t like about myself (I say this honestly, not in effort to receive any sympathy, so don’t worry about reassuring me or anything haha). But, looking at it, not only are these things simply small pieces of a greater whole, they too contributed to my growth as a person in ways I may never fully understand.
So I have decided to stop. Stop lamenting the things I dislike myself. Stop feeling so insecure about All The Things. Stop assuming that I am inherently not GOOD ENOUGH.
And I’ve decided to start. Start really accepting myself--as the saying goes, for the things I can change, the things I can’t change. I might even have the wisdom to tell the difference.
I’m not perfect, far from it. Some of my worst traits are my temper, my ability to procrastinate at everything (srsly, sometimes I procrastinate on taking a shower. WTF is that??); I can be judgmental and harsh.
But I have lots of awesome qualities. I am kind, friendly, giving. I work hard. I am there for people when they need me. I have learned to actually have discussions rather than arguments. I can compromise. I am thoughtful and caring. My cleavage holds a mini-parallel dimension. (So I’ve been told. It’s amazing what can be hidden in there!)
(Disclaimer: Both lists are obviously just the tip of the iceberg and in no way completely list my awesomeness or dickishness lol)
I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend. It wasn’t BAD or an argument, just a discussion regarding how we navigate our lives, and how we’ll navigate our lives together. But because of this crazy sense of insecurity, of not feeling “good enough”, it sent me into a funky insecurity spiral. I wasn’t flipping out, but I was definitely upset, weird emotions piling up in me faster than I could process. I wanted to cry, even though I knew things with Angela and I were completely totally fine and I really had no reason to be upset.
I cannot control my feelings, but I can control my actions. I talked to Angela some more, trying to sort it out. I talked to other friends. After all the talking, I still couldn’t sort myself out. So I kept talking. A friend eventually pointed out I was insecurity spiralling. And the crazy thing is that as soon as she said that, things clicked in my head--I realized the feelings I was having were not unique and valid, but more a reflection of my insecurities feeding upon themselves until it seemed like this crushing, insurmountable wave of pain washing over me.
And as soon as I realized that, it basically stopped. Emotions (and brains) are weird and tricky and you never know what will set you off--or fix it. I realized exactly what my response was, why I felt so terrible about everything even though I really shouldn’t have, and once I understood it, my feelings lost their power and were no longer drowning me.
I know it won’t happen overnight, but I am going to overcome this. Period. I don’t want to constantly feel at the mercy of ridiculous emotional responses that have no basis in reality. So I’m going to accept myself--good and bad, ugly and beautiful, sad and happy.
In an effort to do that, I’m making a list of the things I need to accept about myself. *deep breath* So... Here it goes.
I’m overweight.
I have stretch marks.
My nose tilts to right.
A front tooth is slowly turning yellow (due to a root canal)
I walk weirdly.
I’m clumsy.
I have body hair I don’t want.
None of these are particularly terrible, or even unique. But this is a sample of some things I’ve always, always felt super touchy about. I am constantly aware of them, constantly fearing judgement over them. Anxious, inadequet, embarassed, ashamed--all things I felt because of things that I have limited control over.
I used to think if I was unhappy, I should just focus on FIXING that thing and it would be better. But some things are hard to fix--my weight yo yos, and even though I’m eating the healthiest I ever have and I’m working out now, I’m still the heaviest I have ever been. You can’t just get rid of stretch marks. Fixing my tooth would require a veneer or an implant.
Instead I think I need to change my plan. Instead of concentrating on fixing things, I think I need to learn to accept the things I don’t like, then decide if/when/how to change them. Some things need to be fixed, but some things simply are. My weight and tooth and everything else is relatively incidental--they don’t affect my usefulness as a person, they don’t affect how my friends see me, they don’t make me less than any other person.
So I’ve decided, starting today, I am going to be okay with everything. I may not love it, but I refuse to hate myself any longer. I refuse to push myself down, when there are so many other people that are willing to do that. Instead I’m going to stand up and embrace who and what I am. This doesn’t mean I cannot or will not improve myself; I will still work on myself, because I want to be as great and awesome and amazing as all the people I am surrounded by, but I’m not going to let anyone make me feel bad about being me.
Even myself.
---------------------
Even though I wasn’t an officialy participant of the blog hop, I would still love to participate. If anyone would like some design work done--promo materials, graphics, cards, etc--let me know. I will pick 2 people for a $50 design project. :)
First, I really spent some time reflecting today. And all I can come up with is that love is love is love. I think this is actually a clever dual phrase--there’s the obvious, saying that love is equal no matter the gender or sexual orientation of the people involved.
To me, the other meaning is far more important. Love is love is love. Love begets love begets love.
I don’t have any great or insightful words about it, but I really wish instead of focusing on our differences or disagreements, we should instead embrace the things we love in ourselves and each other. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure this happens.
I am so blessed. I have so many amazing, caring, giving, talented, wonderful people in my life. When you pause and take a step back and think “If this or that hadn’t happened, I may not be where I am”, it’s kind of eye-opening.
If I hadn’t decided to stalk all these amazing authors years ago, people I thought were way too cool and amazing for me (still think that! lol), I wouldn’t have my job. If I hadn’t befriended a random gay dude at a bar, I wouldn’t have met all the wonderful people he’s introduced me to, and I may not have ever met my girlfriend. If I hadn’t made friends with this kooky artist chick in California and decided to take a trip out here to see if I’d like to move, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like now--I not only got an amazing, crazy, weird life, but I gained a sister, support, and confidence.
I guess it really made me realize what a tangled web our lives are--and, like a spiders web, it is a delicate and fragile thing. Rip away any one part and you can practically destroy it all! Take away one thing--a person, an event--and you realize how much it had to do with shaping your personality.
I’ve also realized that I’ve fallen out my online community, and I want to fix that. Part of it is being busy, but I have to admit that a lot is a combination of laziness and procrastination and just a weird complicated ball of feelings I have. But I love my online family--I’ve got so many wonderful people in my life, and I feel like i should respect that and stop ignoring that. :)
Lastly, all of this thinking and introspection has made me realize something: I am a tangled web, just like my life. There are many things I don’t like about myself (I say this honestly, not in effort to receive any sympathy, so don’t worry about reassuring me or anything haha). But, looking at it, not only are these things simply small pieces of a greater whole, they too contributed to my growth as a person in ways I may never fully understand.
So I have decided to stop. Stop lamenting the things I dislike myself. Stop feeling so insecure about All The Things. Stop assuming that I am inherently not GOOD ENOUGH.
And I’ve decided to start. Start really accepting myself--as the saying goes, for the things I can change, the things I can’t change. I might even have the wisdom to tell the difference.
I’m not perfect, far from it. Some of my worst traits are my temper, my ability to procrastinate at everything (srsly, sometimes I procrastinate on taking a shower. WTF is that??); I can be judgmental and harsh.
But I have lots of awesome qualities. I am kind, friendly, giving. I work hard. I am there for people when they need me. I have learned to actually have discussions rather than arguments. I can compromise. I am thoughtful and caring. My cleavage holds a mini-parallel dimension. (So I’ve been told. It’s amazing what can be hidden in there!)
(Disclaimer: Both lists are obviously just the tip of the iceberg and in no way completely list my awesomeness or dickishness lol)
I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend. It wasn’t BAD or an argument, just a discussion regarding how we navigate our lives, and how we’ll navigate our lives together. But because of this crazy sense of insecurity, of not feeling “good enough”, it sent me into a funky insecurity spiral. I wasn’t flipping out, but I was definitely upset, weird emotions piling up in me faster than I could process. I wanted to cry, even though I knew things with Angela and I were completely totally fine and I really had no reason to be upset.
I cannot control my feelings, but I can control my actions. I talked to Angela some more, trying to sort it out. I talked to other friends. After all the talking, I still couldn’t sort myself out. So I kept talking. A friend eventually pointed out I was insecurity spiralling. And the crazy thing is that as soon as she said that, things clicked in my head--I realized the feelings I was having were not unique and valid, but more a reflection of my insecurities feeding upon themselves until it seemed like this crushing, insurmountable wave of pain washing over me.
And as soon as I realized that, it basically stopped. Emotions (and brains) are weird and tricky and you never know what will set you off--or fix it. I realized exactly what my response was, why I felt so terrible about everything even though I really shouldn’t have, and once I understood it, my feelings lost their power and were no longer drowning me.
I know it won’t happen overnight, but I am going to overcome this. Period. I don’t want to constantly feel at the mercy of ridiculous emotional responses that have no basis in reality. So I’m going to accept myself--good and bad, ugly and beautiful, sad and happy.
In an effort to do that, I’m making a list of the things I need to accept about myself. *deep breath* So... Here it goes.
I’m overweight.
I have stretch marks.
My nose tilts to right.
A front tooth is slowly turning yellow (due to a root canal)
I walk weirdly.
I’m clumsy.
I have body hair I don’t want.
None of these are particularly terrible, or even unique. But this is a sample of some things I’ve always, always felt super touchy about. I am constantly aware of them, constantly fearing judgement over them. Anxious, inadequet, embarassed, ashamed--all things I felt because of things that I have limited control over.
I used to think if I was unhappy, I should just focus on FIXING that thing and it would be better. But some things are hard to fix--my weight yo yos, and even though I’m eating the healthiest I ever have and I’m working out now, I’m still the heaviest I have ever been. You can’t just get rid of stretch marks. Fixing my tooth would require a veneer or an implant.
Instead I think I need to change my plan. Instead of concentrating on fixing things, I think I need to learn to accept the things I don’t like, then decide if/when/how to change them. Some things need to be fixed, but some things simply are. My weight and tooth and everything else is relatively incidental--they don’t affect my usefulness as a person, they don’t affect how my friends see me, they don’t make me less than any other person.
So I’ve decided, starting today, I am going to be okay with everything. I may not love it, but I refuse to hate myself any longer. I refuse to push myself down, when there are so many other people that are willing to do that. Instead I’m going to stand up and embrace who and what I am. This doesn’t mean I cannot or will not improve myself; I will still work on myself, because I want to be as great and awesome and amazing as all the people I am surrounded by, but I’m not going to let anyone make me feel bad about being me.
Even myself.
---------------------
Even though I wasn’t an officialy participant of the blog hop, I would still love to participate. If anyone would like some design work done--promo materials, graphics, cards, etc--let me know. I will pick 2 people for a $50 design project. :)