Its been so long and i am oh so tired
So wow. Its really been a long time since i've wrote in this. I cant believe i still even have this account.
Quick recap I guess is that my first year of college at SUNY Oneonta is complete. After The first semester of being completely broke I decided as a last resort of searching around town for a job, that I would work at the Ponderosa here in oneonta. I just recently got my motorcycle license and a bike; A suzuki boulevard s40 650cc. I like the pondo here a lot better than Jtown. Trista lives in Dover Delaware with her new bf Larry..a really nice guy.
I guess the biggest thing that has happened in my life in the past year is my split with chad. I think its the main reason why i chose to write in this. Soon after i came to oneonta to school my views on life kind of changed, and i realized just how big the world is and i got really scared that maybe i would stuck with the only person ive ever with forever. And it scared me. I was in a lot classes with this guy named joe, and he just seemed so interesting, hes from brooklyn and just grew up in a total opposite world than me. Anyways a pretty fucked up situation that arose was that him myself and all of out freshmen friends ended up hanging at chads friends apt Graham and random and then slowly joe and i started hooking up and chads friends kind of sided with us rather than chad. I feel really bad about the whole thing. So here i am at Graham and randoms spending a month after school got out to work. I was supposed to be going with chad to california for the summer, as we had planned for a very long time. The fact that hes leaving right now as we speak, and I am just sitting here out on the porch of 30 in the rainy oneonta, for some reason is just killing me inside. I feel like its just wrong that im here, I should be on my way to cali too. I drove all the way to jtown last night at 11pm after a 12 hour work day to say goodbye to him, and i just lost it.Too many emotions that i dont know what they mean. It was an awkward yet comforting yet, unsettling all at once encounter.
With my new freedom that i have acquired this year, and i mean like compete freedom, i barely ever talk to my mom or dad, the thing ive realized is with the more freedom you have to make decisions and the less that other people have a say in your decisions in life the harder it is to feel like youve made the right decision. I dunno what im trying to say, i dont think im really trying to say anything at all actually accept I am officially just lost in life. Like every other cliche soon to be 19 year old girl. (19 by the way, whoa, 19)
Joe stayed here at 30 with me for a little while, today he left to go back home. I think the main thing that makes me feel so lonely and lost is that i have no 'home' I have no safe zone in my life. No place where i can go to get comfort and support. Everyone at school loves vacations, this way they can go home. Home to me is an empty place full of memories more bad than good where noone that i used to spend time with is anymore. Alison is hopelessly in love with mike and cant do anything without him, trista is all the way in delaware, Katie is down in NYC to stony brook, and now chad the person i was closest to is the farthest away, all the way in cali.
I've had a hard time opening up to joe, sometimes when i lay in bed at night and pretend im sleeping, i just lay and drown myself in my loneliness. Cause i just cant open up to him so i feel like im laying with a complete stranger. I dunno something just isnt right for me. I feel like im just not doing what i should be doing. All i do know is working these 12 hour days at pondo and just feeling like this is draining. Im tired of putting on a fake smile for everyone. Sometimes the only way in hell that ill fall asleep at night to smoke myself to sleep. fuck.
So im here for another week to finish out working. Then im heading down to bonaroo in tennessee to work as a volunteer. It should be fun. But im going with joe, and he doesnt drive so its me and the road the whole way.
I still have my chrysler sebring, ive had it for just a little over a year now. Its a good car..alot of little problems that ive never gotten fixed but it works. (knock on wood)
i've been having some problem "down there" for about 4 months now, with weird pains and bleeding, i was scared shitless for a few months that it could have been cancer, but an ultrasound said i was clear, but im going monday for more tests.
the rain finally just stopped...its going to be a hot summer, i love summer, but it just still doesn't seem like summer, like i've said, something is just not right.
its mid day but to keep it like always
cheers and goodnight
p.s my nickname here is JP short for Juliepants...dunno dont ask
Quick recap I guess is that my first year of college at SUNY Oneonta is complete. After The first semester of being completely broke I decided as a last resort of searching around town for a job, that I would work at the Ponderosa here in oneonta. I just recently got my motorcycle license and a bike; A suzuki boulevard s40 650cc. I like the pondo here a lot better than Jtown. Trista lives in Dover Delaware with her new bf Larry..a really nice guy.
I guess the biggest thing that has happened in my life in the past year is my split with chad. I think its the main reason why i chose to write in this. Soon after i came to oneonta to school my views on life kind of changed, and i realized just how big the world is and i got really scared that maybe i would stuck with the only person ive ever with forever. And it scared me. I was in a lot classes with this guy named joe, and he just seemed so interesting, hes from brooklyn and just grew up in a total opposite world than me. Anyways a pretty fucked up situation that arose was that him myself and all of out freshmen friends ended up hanging at chads friends apt Graham and random and then slowly joe and i started hooking up and chads friends kind of sided with us rather than chad. I feel really bad about the whole thing. So here i am at Graham and randoms spending a month after school got out to work. I was supposed to be going with chad to california for the summer, as we had planned for a very long time. The fact that hes leaving right now as we speak, and I am just sitting here out on the porch of 30 in the rainy oneonta, for some reason is just killing me inside. I feel like its just wrong that im here, I should be on my way to cali too. I drove all the way to jtown last night at 11pm after a 12 hour work day to say goodbye to him, and i just lost it.Too many emotions that i dont know what they mean. It was an awkward yet comforting yet, unsettling all at once encounter.
With my new freedom that i have acquired this year, and i mean like compete freedom, i barely ever talk to my mom or dad, the thing ive realized is with the more freedom you have to make decisions and the less that other people have a say in your decisions in life the harder it is to feel like youve made the right decision. I dunno what im trying to say, i dont think im really trying to say anything at all actually accept I am officially just lost in life. Like every other cliche soon to be 19 year old girl. (19 by the way, whoa, 19)
Joe stayed here at 30 with me for a little while, today he left to go back home. I think the main thing that makes me feel so lonely and lost is that i have no 'home' I have no safe zone in my life. No place where i can go to get comfort and support. Everyone at school loves vacations, this way they can go home. Home to me is an empty place full of memories more bad than good where noone that i used to spend time with is anymore. Alison is hopelessly in love with mike and cant do anything without him, trista is all the way in delaware, Katie is down in NYC to stony brook, and now chad the person i was closest to is the farthest away, all the way in cali.
I've had a hard time opening up to joe, sometimes when i lay in bed at night and pretend im sleeping, i just lay and drown myself in my loneliness. Cause i just cant open up to him so i feel like im laying with a complete stranger. I dunno something just isnt right for me. I feel like im just not doing what i should be doing. All i do know is working these 12 hour days at pondo and just feeling like this is draining. Im tired of putting on a fake smile for everyone. Sometimes the only way in hell that ill fall asleep at night to smoke myself to sleep. fuck.
So im here for another week to finish out working. Then im heading down to bonaroo in tennessee to work as a volunteer. It should be fun. But im going with joe, and he doesnt drive so its me and the road the whole way.
I still have my chrysler sebring, ive had it for just a little over a year now. Its a good car..alot of little problems that ive never gotten fixed but it works. (knock on wood)
i've been having some problem "down there" for about 4 months now, with weird pains and bleeding, i was scared shitless for a few months that it could have been cancer, but an ultrasound said i was clear, but im going monday for more tests.
the rain finally just stopped...its going to be a hot summer, i love summer, but it just still doesn't seem like summer, like i've said, something is just not right.
its mid day but to keep it like always
cheers and goodnight
p.s my nickname here is JP short for Juliepants...dunno dont ask