(no subject)
i just updated in my xanga... im finding it odd that im attempting to post in here too... what do i say? the exact same things...?
no... i guess, im scared to go back to school.
i could talk about that for awhile. sure... why not?
i cant face going back to school right now. i cant write there, i cant feel there, i sure as hell cant feel comfortable in my own room when it feels like im intruding just to sit quietly, i cant be by myself there... any time amy is gone i have people bothering me constantly anyways... look at me... im so bitter and broken.
i dont want to go back, i would rather be bitter and broken and alive than a living dead. i cant go back there and face the music. and if not there... then where else do i go...?
i want to know where i am going in life.
i want to know that im not distracting myself away from my true goal by involving myself with people beyond the point of no return. i want to know i am still free to leave whenever i want. college sucked me in in only a semsester, and it took a hard month of reverse-digestation and honesty ripping itself from my skin to find the mo that got smothered. i betrayed myself, i dont want it to happen again.
i just want to be happy... alone, if need be, and happy.
and yet... deeper than i can lie to myself, i want to be happy with someone else. its what i've always wanted... isnt it?
i worry so much, my stomach and jaw are clenched until i find sleep. i bite my cheeks until they bleed. i dont think i know how to not worry, how to not feel like its all crashing down... i do, but the novocain treatment makes me feel hollow.
im feeling an inability to write everything i want to write here. i cant be completely honest, so now i must go to my other journal... and let my thoughts pour out as ink.
-mo
no... i guess, im scared to go back to school.
i could talk about that for awhile. sure... why not?
i cant face going back to school right now. i cant write there, i cant feel there, i sure as hell cant feel comfortable in my own room when it feels like im intruding just to sit quietly, i cant be by myself there... any time amy is gone i have people bothering me constantly anyways... look at me... im so bitter and broken.
i dont want to go back, i would rather be bitter and broken and alive than a living dead. i cant go back there and face the music. and if not there... then where else do i go...?
i want to know where i am going in life.
i want to know that im not distracting myself away from my true goal by involving myself with people beyond the point of no return. i want to know i am still free to leave whenever i want. college sucked me in in only a semsester, and it took a hard month of reverse-digestation and honesty ripping itself from my skin to find the mo that got smothered. i betrayed myself, i dont want it to happen again.
i just want to be happy... alone, if need be, and happy.
and yet... deeper than i can lie to myself, i want to be happy with someone else. its what i've always wanted... isnt it?
i worry so much, my stomach and jaw are clenched until i find sleep. i bite my cheeks until they bleed. i dont think i know how to not worry, how to not feel like its all crashing down... i do, but the novocain treatment makes me feel hollow.
im feeling an inability to write everything i want to write here. i cant be completely honest, so now i must go to my other journal... and let my thoughts pour out as ink.
-mo