There's no weather I can see... *~
daddy, daddy, you bastard, i'm through...
So, the best part of today was poetry and the worst part was everything else, but that should be all right with me, right? Because we all know that Rachel lives, breathes, eats, and defecates poetry. It's her life blood, but no. Today was somehow so terrible. I'm not sure why, but I didn't write down the new Trig assignment, and as I left, he told us since there were no senior to hide behind, he would know who had their homework, and who didn't. I need to ask Luke what the assignment was in homeroom. He'll know for sure. I shouldn't worry so much.
I'm just reminded of my assignment I'm supposed to do for Kim, my therapist, before next Thursday. Not only does she want some of my poetry (because, guess why?? I don't shut up about writing. Nothing knew) but she wants me to think of 5 things that I like about myself. Not how people see me, but me. Just myself. And you wouldn't think 5 things would be hard, but I can't really find one that is 100% true. I lose.
I want to present my english project tomorrow, everyone else's have been good, but I'm just so excited about talking about Perks... that I can't help it anymore. If I don't get squeezed in tomorrow, I will die. Next class was Med. Ethics, and we talked about HIV-AIDS more, and the highlight was Sarah leaning across the door as we left to tell me she thought my article on summer shows was "so great, amazing..." or some compliments along those lines, and I was beaming, and trying to be modest, but when people like the one thing you care most about... how can you help but be happy?? It has to be the same for musicians, artists, any creator of any sort... when your creations are approved of, loved... It's an amazingly gratifying feeling. I love it. Then, math. Blah. AP US history was terrible too, but I find the Holocaust so interesting, it makes me feel badly to like it so much. I feel like eugenics and the ideas the Nazis had were so intriguing, and it isn't until I see the terror those ideas actually inflicted that I think... Well, maybe they aren't all that cool, after all... It worries me. I shouldn't like it so much. I'm fighting myself. Then, AP Bio, and we played trivial pursuit for 4 mods. It was boring, but better than anything else we might have done, I suppose.
The poetry club's bi-weekly reading was my looked forward too heaven, but failed me. I love Wojo to death, and he told me of how he met Allen Ginsburg and how he hit on his friend, Dave. He read Plath at my request. I read my poems, and they went well. Well, one poem solely my own, the other was a collaboration on the behalf of Greg and I. It was so much fun. I need to write more collaborative poetry, it feeds the inspiration. Allie read her poem about me, and it was so obviously about me that it was a little scary. It talks about my smoking and my drinking, and Wojo probably knew, but oh well. I don't care so much anymore, I can't hide it forever. Wojo isn't even my teacher, he shouldn't care. It's mine. Oh well, I am so obsessed with poetry and writing... No wonder I got depressed. I felt so inadequte. It's just that I want to not feel ashamed of admitting that I'm a "writer", because I see all other established writers/poets as so much more superior. I'm so unworthy of the title. And it makes me ill. It's ALL I want from myself. A little something to be proud of... Not for anyone else to like, but for myself to like. And something tells me that this will never happen. There is so much more about this feeling I have towards writing that I can't express right now. I'd have to think too much, and I'm too tired. All I can say is that it makes me quiet and numb.
I went to the gym after I came home, ran 2 miles, lifted weights, and then went swimming. I saw Tricia learning to teach little chillens' to swim. She didn't look so happy with it. She looked cold, and it was cold... So that is expected. I ate one meal and a salad today. I'm not sure if I can even manage to lose any weight, it feels so pointless of me to try. My depression weights me down. But, sadly... I find such happiness in my life, the depression and anxiety and outside stressors of life slip away when I encounter a time, when I feel all right with myself and the world. They are rare occaisions, but I love it all the same.
~Rachel