yesterday meets tomorrow
Let's see, if i had never met josh, i agree, i would be more successful at this point in my life. I'd probably be on way to a master's degree looking for a job at this very moment. I probably wouldn't have started drinking until i was twenty-one years old, if i even decided to start drinking at all. I'd probably also have never made it out of bridgeport. Well, at least not sane. I probably would have never had any social contacts in highschool and either would have adapted into one of those really fake assholes or just might have blown the school up. Then again, i might just be a priest right now. Who the fuck knows. I do know i would have missed out on a lot of damn good moments and lost out on a lot of friends and experiences. No regrets there.
I hope she wasn't affended by my comment at the end of our last discussion. Her story really was amazing, and i swear i could almost get a sense of what she went through, the heat, the spiritual enlightenment. Although i was a bit jealous, i was more curious. so the three hours we did talk about the vacation were mostly enlightening. Maybe too enlightening, which is probably why i couldn't lend a full ear to her towards the end. There were days when my life, a puzzle. The pieces, even when not yet completed, always fell perfectly into place, at the perfect time. Ever since a couple of years ago though, my life seems more like a puzzle half dried from soaking in the rain. It's warped and untimely. The right pieces don't just fall into place anymore. It takes more work than that. I've grown impatient. I feel like i've lost that angel that has always guided me.
I have to say, at this point in my life i never expected to find myself seated in a mall cafateria eating japanese to satisfy my hunger from work. I wanted to quit my job so bad at that moment. I wanted to walk the fuck outa that place and breath the winter air. For the first time in god knows how long feeling like i'm moving fucking forward in this life. I could tell them to fuck off and go back to school or get a job. I could get a life. I need to stop being a coward.
Everytime i work i realize how quick life is. How i should just grab the girls i care for in my arms and kiss them lovingly, because i don't know what the fuck could happen tomorrow or even fucking tonight. I know i should stop playing games and just run off emotions for one day, doing whatever the fuck i want. For one day, feeling truely alive. Well then, how come everytime i work i realize how depressed i still am. How i drive faster these days, not because i regained my youthfull lust for excitement but because i have a better chance of an accident that way. I'd never do it with another in the car, or with other people on the road though. My anger, my hatred will only burn and consume me.
Am i really any different? I mean, when it's a bunch of guys drinking, sex sometimes comes up. Numbers sometimes come up. Then we call and we hassle with drunking slang. Hoping to bag some whore so we can feel like devils in the morning after drowning in lust at night. Rape, sex - i do it in a different way. Their numbers cover bodies, my numbers cover souls. They rape for physical masterbation, i rape for emotional. No i didn't fuck her i fucked her. Swapped souls in heated sweat stains. These don't come out with bleach.
I hope she wasn't affended by my comment at the end of our last discussion. Her story really was amazing, and i swear i could almost get a sense of what she went through, the heat, the spiritual enlightenment. Although i was a bit jealous, i was more curious. so the three hours we did talk about the vacation were mostly enlightening. Maybe too enlightening, which is probably why i couldn't lend a full ear to her towards the end. There were days when my life, a puzzle. The pieces, even when not yet completed, always fell perfectly into place, at the perfect time. Ever since a couple of years ago though, my life seems more like a puzzle half dried from soaking in the rain. It's warped and untimely. The right pieces don't just fall into place anymore. It takes more work than that. I've grown impatient. I feel like i've lost that angel that has always guided me.
I have to say, at this point in my life i never expected to find myself seated in a mall cafateria eating japanese to satisfy my hunger from work. I wanted to quit my job so bad at that moment. I wanted to walk the fuck outa that place and breath the winter air. For the first time in god knows how long feeling like i'm moving fucking forward in this life. I could tell them to fuck off and go back to school or get a job. I could get a life. I need to stop being a coward.
Everytime i work i realize how quick life is. How i should just grab the girls i care for in my arms and kiss them lovingly, because i don't know what the fuck could happen tomorrow or even fucking tonight. I know i should stop playing games and just run off emotions for one day, doing whatever the fuck i want. For one day, feeling truely alive. Well then, how come everytime i work i realize how depressed i still am. How i drive faster these days, not because i regained my youthfull lust for excitement but because i have a better chance of an accident that way. I'd never do it with another in the car, or with other people on the road though. My anger, my hatred will only burn and consume me.
Am i really any different? I mean, when it's a bunch of guys drinking, sex sometimes comes up. Numbers sometimes come up. Then we call and we hassle with drunking slang. Hoping to bag some whore so we can feel like devils in the morning after drowning in lust at night. Rape, sex - i do it in a different way. Their numbers cover bodies, my numbers cover souls. They rape for physical masterbation, i rape for emotional. No i didn't fuck her i fucked her. Swapped souls in heated sweat stains. These don't come out with bleach.