future
i keep coming back to that place, that question place of what my life will become. i wonder if i can (want to) go through another three years at school. i wonder if the charm of being able to say that i have a degree in botany is really worth it all. i feel like i'm putting my life off for the next three years. i know that's not true--that i live my life every day no matter what i'm doing, but i feel that way, anyhow.
going on walks outside, i reconize plants. but their names and scientific components are already slipping away from me. and my interest in these things slips away with my knowledge. i wonder if i can go through all the back doors of society, if i can travel, work, travel, write, take care of people, etc. i have this desire for both a rootless possessionless lifestyle as well as a very established solid lifestyle, where my tools and everyday things are solid, wooden, old, unmovable, but used every single day. woodburning stove, rolling pin, jars of peaches, etc. i want to throw garden tea parties on fine china, but i also want to be able to fit everything i own into my pockets.
when i see myself in the mirror, i wonder what people think. i always make up stories for people, and i wonder what the stories other people make for me are. i want them to think of me as a hard-working, independent, sugar soft with a crispy edge, timeless sort of person who one can speak with and expect truth. i want for the things about me to show my story, like i make other people's things about them tell their stories. i want for my hair to be bleached by the sun, have multiple tanlines, freckles, wrinkles around my eyes from smiling, calluses, stringy hard wirey muscles, and a gentle disposition that shows that my patience hasn't been used up by day to day frustrations.
I want to work on farms in other countries, take care of people's kids, play games, laugh, make excellent food, learn from people. i want to experience childhood in countries other than my own. i want to climb tropical trees, play with lizards, and then eat them. i want to make do with little. i want to be admired for how much i work, for the things that happen around me. i want people to say that i am stronger than i look, and to trust me with their stories, children, and important tasks. and i want to do everything right, unless it can be laughed off later. i want to be perfectly reliable and crazy spontaneous untrackable at the same time.
i have quite the set of ideals for myself. i feel better now. now i can continue to go to college and not worry about my degree. i can get whatever kind of degree (or not) that i want. i have the option to choose everything. this life i have is so open. yay.
going on walks outside, i reconize plants. but their names and scientific components are already slipping away from me. and my interest in these things slips away with my knowledge. i wonder if i can go through all the back doors of society, if i can travel, work, travel, write, take care of people, etc. i have this desire for both a rootless possessionless lifestyle as well as a very established solid lifestyle, where my tools and everyday things are solid, wooden, old, unmovable, but used every single day. woodburning stove, rolling pin, jars of peaches, etc. i want to throw garden tea parties on fine china, but i also want to be able to fit everything i own into my pockets.
when i see myself in the mirror, i wonder what people think. i always make up stories for people, and i wonder what the stories other people make for me are. i want them to think of me as a hard-working, independent, sugar soft with a crispy edge, timeless sort of person who one can speak with and expect truth. i want for the things about me to show my story, like i make other people's things about them tell their stories. i want for my hair to be bleached by the sun, have multiple tanlines, freckles, wrinkles around my eyes from smiling, calluses, stringy hard wirey muscles, and a gentle disposition that shows that my patience hasn't been used up by day to day frustrations.
I want to work on farms in other countries, take care of people's kids, play games, laugh, make excellent food, learn from people. i want to experience childhood in countries other than my own. i want to climb tropical trees, play with lizards, and then eat them. i want to make do with little. i want to be admired for how much i work, for the things that happen around me. i want people to say that i am stronger than i look, and to trust me with their stories, children, and important tasks. and i want to do everything right, unless it can be laughed off later. i want to be perfectly reliable and crazy spontaneous untrackable at the same time.
i have quite the set of ideals for myself. i feel better now. now i can continue to go to college and not worry about my degree. i can get whatever kind of degree (or not) that i want. i have the option to choose everything. this life i have is so open. yay.