briefing to all those people...

[dropthesystem]

yes everyone...i do have a new journal...i dont know if anyone knows this, or more importantly, cares about this...but i just didnt know who knew...if you want my new journal name, IM me or Email me and let me know...k? so yeah...i just wanted to say that i am reading this book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...its amazing. everyone must read this book when i am done. you will all learn so many things about yourself and the opposite sex. i promies. unless i tell it all to you b4 you read it. lol. but yeah...people keep telling me that derek doesnt deserve me to be the best gf ever, that hes not exactly the best bf in the world, and that he doesnt treat me like i deserve to be treated...well...maybe not, but i still love him and i want nothing more than for him to trust me, to feel comfortable enought to come to me if he needs to talk, i need him to feel that i do love him no matter what, that i accpet him for who he is and i trust him and appreciate him and i admire him and respect him. gosh, it seems like the only person with me on this one right now is ang...c'mon guys, help me out here. lol. i need some moral support here. i just dont know what to do anymore. i KNOW derek loves me...but like someone once told me, Love isnt a feeling, its a behavior...so he can TELL me he loves me until the cows come home (which he doesnt anyways, so yeah) but unless theres somethin to back it up, everyonce and a while im gonna get insecure. i just wish i knew if he really trusted me. its not an issue of whether or not he loves me, its does he TRUST me? does he feel comfortable and confident that he can confide in me? im thinkin not. i know i cant force him to open up, that will only make matters worse, so im trying so hard to learn this book so that i can figure out what all im doing wrong so that my doing things better will help him...i guess the biggest thing, is that out of the 6 ways a girl needs to feel loved, my #1 isnt really there...i dont really feel cherished. of course, im still motivated to do better and become my best...but there is the why bother factor in there...please someone help me. i promised him i would stop writing him all those dumb notes, that also includes all the lame emails i send him. i dont know how to tell him all these things...i never get the chance to talk to him in person bc theres always someone around, and hes never online and the phone isnt really something i feel comfortable with...heh, if he read my journal, that would help, but he dont...and why would he? and i dont want someone else to be like, hey derek, felicia feels this way...bc i want to be the one to talk to him, to really explain to him what is in my head...i just never have the opportunity. i just made this up: im like a dandelion, i try hard to look like a beautiful flower that is admired by everyone with a beautiful fragrence, but in reality, i am nothing more than a smelly weed that most everyone tries to rid themselves of.

i have Bright Eyes stuck in my head...Nothing Gets Crossed Out.
*i keep makin this 'To Do:' list but nothin' gets crossed out...*

my dad is lecturing me...AGAIN...about driving the car. for the sake of MAN!!!!!!!!!

so yeah, this has turned into much longer of an entry than planned...so i will be done. goodnight everyone. thanks again for bothing yourselves with my life. it makes me feel apprecitated and cared for. i love u all.

XOXO