Tears For Fears
I had an interesting dream last night. It stood out because it didn't plague me with deja-vu related fear. My dreams occasionally have come with premonitions. These premonitions cause a lot of confusion, especially when I'm in the defa-vu related moment. I don't know what to do. I get tunnel-vision, my heart races, and I'm not sure whether to run or hide. It doesn't make sense to me whether being in that moment is a part of destiny or something that I'm doing wrong. The night before I had some deja-vu, and it didn't phase me like before. I sat back deeper into my chair and continued to watch The Cider House Rules. I felt I had utterly ignored the sign and relaxed. There were no dreams that night, but last night I chose to Donnie Darko for the first time on Netflix. I connected with Donnie more than I would've liked. I've said similar things to my helpless mother and had been through medication and counseling for 10 years. I had intimidating CAT and Star testing scores. Suicidal thoughts, and I had a disgust for phoniness that called for speaking-up. Besides my infatuation with Donnie Darko, that night I dreamed about an opportunity. I walked into a bike shop with friends and colleagues. The store shop owner walked in-between the cylinder like clothing racks and stopped us before we could spread through-out the store. He said we could each pick out our own bike for free. I got excited, I knew enough about bikes to pick the right, most expensive one. I immediately walked to the right and debated whether to select the first one on display. Before I could glance around and insure this was the right option, someone selected it. This continued to other bikes on display. My friends weren't as knowledgeable and immediately picked one after another. I looked high and low, from front to back to find the one bike I "knew" was in the shop. The options were becoming limited. I envied that first selections. It didn't help to offer a trade. All deals were final. I became desperate. I looked underneath the bike racks and everywhere else. There were traces of the bike I wanted. It was in pre-manufactured parts. I would've been helpless to fabricate them myself, so I asked the store owner why. He explained that each of those models had been wiped from the store to make room for a more profitable selection. He offered one of the new models to me. It felt like a prototype. I pedaled it on a trainer, and it felt like it was going to snap in half. The walls caved in on me. I began to realize my chance was lost. Everyone else got what they wanted, and I was left with what I considered nothing. I woke up, immediately recalled the dream and began to think. I wanted to know why and where I went wrong. I wasn't sure if I was too greedy or didn't read the cards right. I was left with the idea to focus on the current. I had chased something that wasn't within site. The idea of it being there kept me pursuing and passing up every other opportunity.