(no subject)
So, every time I get around to updating this, so much has happened I don't even know where to begin. Yet it seems like nothing has really happened at all.
-Bball practice is goin strong...1 week in the books already. Wow. We are going to be so good! So everybody better come out and support!! (Whose house? G HOUSE!) represent! hehehe
-School is...eh. Pretty stressful, but that's mostly just because of this dang French project that is consuming my life. (p.s. i HATE computers sometimes. Make that "all of technology")
-I realized how much fun I could have with this video camera if I wasn't spending all my time making a stupid auto-biography. I've always been really interested in photography, filming, and video editing..
-Donna's b-day was yesterday! Happy birthday Donna! I got her a giant tub of 100 cookie cutter, all different shapes (so watch out! =p ) and a deck of playing card that are clear, and really cool looking. And we were supposed to go midnight bowling but we didn't have reservations, so we were turned away.
- I saw "SAW" on Wednesday night. That movie is creepy. It was not that bad though. Kinda got me thinking. And now everytime I do something, I catch myself thinking about what the killer would make me do if he decided to punish me..eee
-It makes me so sad that when my families do anything particularly fun, it's always when i am going out..i feel like i miss out on so many of the family times that are actually fun, especially with my mom and bro. They do so much without me. It really hurts inside. =( but on the other hand...
-Hanging out with the gang is really fun, when I actually get to. And I am really lucky to have them.
-I really really really miss my cousins.
-When is it going to be summer break?
-This made me smile today:
"I don't ever want to let you go, my angel. xP
<3 10.7.04 <3"
hehe =D
-I can't wait to start getting/making gifts for people
-The only thing more painful than being so sad it hurts to cry, is being so happy it hurts to love...
=)
-I need sleep
-A couple of weeks ago i did a job shadowing thing with an attourney. and it was really really awesome, depite being pretty boring after a while, but the part i really enjoyed was listening to the guy talk about his work. and the more he talked, the more i wanted to hear, and the more it seemed like the perfect job for me. the now i am pretty motivated to do well in school, or as well as i can bring myself to do...So this week is the academic support week. That will probably be weird. Cause the days will be dreadfully long, but the week will be gone bfore we know it, and then it's only 2 days before thanksgiving break. i don't know what I would be doing without all this time off from school right now. Really, this is one of the only things keeping me sane these days. The other is my angel. =) And if i make this entry long enough, no one will even read all of it all the way through. Because sometimes entries are really just oo long to read. But then I won't get any comments, and really the comments are the best part about a livejournal. most of the time i just post to get comments...hehehe...so comment away, because i will be looking for it. I was supposed to study with Sam tonight for the bio test tomorrow, but that didn't happen, which is really too bad because i needed that study session. maybe i should be downstairs doing my bio review instead of rambling on and on in the journal. Is anyone still with me? probably not. I don't even know why i am doing this. i think i am going crazy. or already have gone. who knows. jeannie came over and we practiced our piano duet. Its a fantasia on Greensleeves, and we are going to play it for some holiday playing event at some carehome, and we are going to make everybody come listen to us, and give all the old folks gifts because thats a nice thing to do, and it always makes me feel good inside to see the old folks so happy. they love it when we come play for them and it's really cool to see that. speaking of doing good things for people, this year my dad has got it in his head that this year for thanksgiving we are going to work in a soup kitchen. That is going to be awesome! Ive always wanted to do that...to help people less fortunate on thanksgiving....or any holiday, or really anytime, but it has such a special meaning for the holidays...there really is that certain spirit in the air. okay. my fingers hurt. so i am going to stop now. but i think i will do this again sometimes, because it is sort of fun to just go on....and on....and on...oh, there is one thing i need to get out of my system before i leave you for the night...lately ive just been feeling so awful about myself and how ive been so negative, or so weird, or so...not me lately. and how i really care about anthony but i just can't find it in me to open up like i want to...im not letting myself go. and its not an issue of trust. well, i suppose really deep down it might be, but i trust him, and i know he would never do anything to purposely hurt me, but still, its like im trying to protect myself. and i figured this out the toher day when i was thinking about it: everybody i have let close to me has hurt me pretty bad. intentionally or not...everyone. And i think i am trying to protect myself inside by not letting anyone get close anymore. its like my heart said "ive had enough, thats it...dont let anyone else in" but i know that in order to really get far you have to take a lot of risks, and im trying, but it just...hurts to think about how i am just making myself vulnerable again. Well, i told him all that, in so many words, and then i went home. and when i got home, i just couldnt stop thinking about how my feelings had changed and that just by saying that stuff that i'd realized i'd been going through, i had opened up...and i could feel all my feelings on a different level. and my gut reaction was to be scared but then i realized that it would be okay...that its going to be okay. that this really is such a good thing for me. and he is the perfect person because somehow he sticks with me through all of this, and never gives up on me, even though he deserves so much more from me than i am able to give him right now...but i am working on it...and i am growing and healing, however slowly, i am. and he truly is my angel. and i dont know if a word of that made sense cause i just thought and typed...straight from brain to keyboard. but its okay because by now this entry is so long im sure no one will even read this long paragraph thing, in which case this is just a nice long healthy rambling. and since you are reading this, congratulations, you now know things probably no one else knows. and now im about to get in trouble for not doing my bio hw, so im gonna go study for the test we probably arent even going to have tomorrow. peace. goodnight, and happy dreaming.
<3
-Bball practice is goin strong...1 week in the books already. Wow. We are going to be so good! So everybody better come out and support!! (Whose house? G HOUSE!) represent! hehehe
-School is...eh. Pretty stressful, but that's mostly just because of this dang French project that is consuming my life. (p.s. i HATE computers sometimes. Make that "all of technology")
-I realized how much fun I could have with this video camera if I wasn't spending all my time making a stupid auto-biography. I've always been really interested in photography, filming, and video editing..
-Donna's b-day was yesterday! Happy birthday Donna! I got her a giant tub of 100 cookie cutter, all different shapes (so watch out! =p ) and a deck of playing card that are clear, and really cool looking. And we were supposed to go midnight bowling but we didn't have reservations, so we were turned away.
- I saw "SAW" on Wednesday night. That movie is creepy. It was not that bad though. Kinda got me thinking. And now everytime I do something, I catch myself thinking about what the killer would make me do if he decided to punish me..eee
-It makes me so sad that when my families do anything particularly fun, it's always when i am going out..i feel like i miss out on so many of the family times that are actually fun, especially with my mom and bro. They do so much without me. It really hurts inside. =( but on the other hand...
-Hanging out with the gang is really fun, when I actually get to. And I am really lucky to have them.
-I really really really miss my cousins.
-When is it going to be summer break?
-This made me smile today:
"I don't ever want to let you go, my angel. xP
<3 10.7.04 <3"
hehe =D
-I can't wait to start getting/making gifts for people
-The only thing more painful than being so sad it hurts to cry, is being so happy it hurts to love...
=)
-I need sleep
-A couple of weeks ago i did a job shadowing thing with an attourney. and it was really really awesome, depite being pretty boring after a while, but the part i really enjoyed was listening to the guy talk about his work. and the more he talked, the more i wanted to hear, and the more it seemed like the perfect job for me. the now i am pretty motivated to do well in school, or as well as i can bring myself to do...So this week is the academic support week. That will probably be weird. Cause the days will be dreadfully long, but the week will be gone bfore we know it, and then it's only 2 days before thanksgiving break. i don't know what I would be doing without all this time off from school right now. Really, this is one of the only things keeping me sane these days. The other is my angel. =) And if i make this entry long enough, no one will even read all of it all the way through. Because sometimes entries are really just oo long to read. But then I won't get any comments, and really the comments are the best part about a livejournal. most of the time i just post to get comments...hehehe...so comment away, because i will be looking for it. I was supposed to study with Sam tonight for the bio test tomorrow, but that didn't happen, which is really too bad because i needed that study session. maybe i should be downstairs doing my bio review instead of rambling on and on in the journal. Is anyone still with me? probably not. I don't even know why i am doing this. i think i am going crazy. or already have gone. who knows. jeannie came over and we practiced our piano duet. Its a fantasia on Greensleeves, and we are going to play it for some holiday playing event at some carehome, and we are going to make everybody come listen to us, and give all the old folks gifts because thats a nice thing to do, and it always makes me feel good inside to see the old folks so happy. they love it when we come play for them and it's really cool to see that. speaking of doing good things for people, this year my dad has got it in his head that this year for thanksgiving we are going to work in a soup kitchen. That is going to be awesome! Ive always wanted to do that...to help people less fortunate on thanksgiving....or any holiday, or really anytime, but it has such a special meaning for the holidays...there really is that certain spirit in the air. okay. my fingers hurt. so i am going to stop now. but i think i will do this again sometimes, because it is sort of fun to just go on....and on....and on...oh, there is one thing i need to get out of my system before i leave you for the night...lately ive just been feeling so awful about myself and how ive been so negative, or so weird, or so...not me lately. and how i really care about anthony but i just can't find it in me to open up like i want to...im not letting myself go. and its not an issue of trust. well, i suppose really deep down it might be, but i trust him, and i know he would never do anything to purposely hurt me, but still, its like im trying to protect myself. and i figured this out the toher day when i was thinking about it: everybody i have let close to me has hurt me pretty bad. intentionally or not...everyone. And i think i am trying to protect myself inside by not letting anyone get close anymore. its like my heart said "ive had enough, thats it...dont let anyone else in" but i know that in order to really get far you have to take a lot of risks, and im trying, but it just...hurts to think about how i am just making myself vulnerable again. Well, i told him all that, in so many words, and then i went home. and when i got home, i just couldnt stop thinking about how my feelings had changed and that just by saying that stuff that i'd realized i'd been going through, i had opened up...and i could feel all my feelings on a different level. and my gut reaction was to be scared but then i realized that it would be okay...that its going to be okay. that this really is such a good thing for me. and he is the perfect person because somehow he sticks with me through all of this, and never gives up on me, even though he deserves so much more from me than i am able to give him right now...but i am working on it...and i am growing and healing, however slowly, i am. and he truly is my angel. and i dont know if a word of that made sense cause i just thought and typed...straight from brain to keyboard. but its okay because by now this entry is so long im sure no one will even read this long paragraph thing, in which case this is just a nice long healthy rambling. and since you are reading this, congratulations, you now know things probably no one else knows. and now im about to get in trouble for not doing my bio hw, so im gonna go study for the test we probably arent even going to have tomorrow. peace. goodnight, and happy dreaming.
<3