obsessing

[dropofmoon117]

Week 1: Initial meeting. Had our little spat in the evening, call to inquire about his feelings the next morning. He backtracks on his feelings and I say I am ready to close the book, he says "you are?" and we end call. Text him later, he calls saying that he overreacted, he's scared of an emotional connection, he's been pressured by his dad to stay single and unattached. That he really enjoyed the morning of us holding each other. "I don't want you to think I don't like you Nikhita...I do..I really.."

• Throughout the week he flirts with me constantly, saying he admires me, looking forward to conversations between us. The night after I freeze in the tent he says I'll need a "6'2 person to help keep me warm."

Week 2: I go over again. He is the most open and romantic he's ever been. He talks about his father, he talks about how he wants to be different when he's older. He looks at me with awe, he kisses me gently, says I am so sexy. We try to watch a movie but totally fail. He wants to drink, but is so careful to make sure that I don't feel any pressure. His kisses are tender and sweet. The sex is wild and rough, he rips my dress. We stay up all night. Intermittently have sex in the early morning where he pulls my hands over my head and looks into my face when he fucks me. In the morning after he showers, he pulls me close and says "hey...last night was really fun." We gaze at each other, he looks at me so intently that I shy away. It's the first and only time that I get a kiss goodbye.

• Sends me a lot of photos and keeps in touch all week. Says he is busy with his sister during the weekend and he is unsure when I can come over. I say whenever it is I am looking forward to it. "You and me both :)" he replies. He's a little less flirty during the week, I get a bit nervous about him losing his feelings, but on Thursday I tell him about how I have finished the Trump book and am ready to get after it with him. "Can't wait :)" he responds.

Week 4: I go over again. We buy stuff to make mojitos, we're in our political mojo, he shows me his Lenin flag. Talk is easy, we get drunk. He sweetly invites me to his cabin for fourth of July after I ask him what his plans are. I say I can't see him for a while if he goes to the bars, he laughs and sighs and says he'll wear a mask, he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. He remarks he thinks I look really hot in my jean shorts and black crop. We watch the rain on the porch with his friend and girlfriend. We have sex once, and I get a bit tired afer. He wants more and I get after him about it, he teases me but lets off. Instead we talk all night. In the morning I wake him up a little to say goodbye, I kiss him, he kisses back but only slightly. I drive straight to work. Looking back now I see the romance and awe from the last time had diminished slightly, but the asking me to the cabin took up enough space in my head.

• I get a text from him at work. He says he will wear a mask but not the whole time and wants me to know. I say okay. I feel a bit hesitant for the rest of the weekend but chalk it up to his being busy. I work up the courage to ask him on Monday if he really wants to do something for Fourth of July because I need to take work off. He says yes, but doesn't seem as enthusiastic as I was hoping for though I ask him twice if he's sure. I text him that he is free to change his mind and he doesn't respond. I text him again asking about work, he said it sucked, so I leave him alone.
• The next couple of days pass, he texts very infrequently. Except for one day saying "that sounds kinda hot" after I told him I spilled coffee on myself, there is not much flirting happening. I go crazy with worry, thinking surely he is going to tell me he is canceling the invite. I convince myself I should go about my week planning to go up on Saturday until I am explicitly told no. On Thursday I get the most thrilling surprise, he video calls me. He'd been drinking, but clearly sexually charged. His roomate comes in and sees us and says "Have fun you two". We chat for a couple hours. He invites me to come by Friday night instead. He notes that we haven't debated politics in a while because we keep getting distracted in the bedroom. He notes that despite our different takes we generally come to agreement on the same issues. I note that our texts get flirtier and flirtier as the week proceeds, I notice he kind of winces at the comment and puts a sexual spin on it. I tell him I have been thinking about it a lot and wanting, and was even thinking of sending a sexy text. He teases me into saying it. "Come on Nikhita, I'm sitting here and staring at your pretty face." He is so turned on by me. We bid each other goodnight.

Week 5: I am at the height of thrill the next morning as I get ready to go. Ironing my outfits, doing my makeup and hair. I go over and wait for him in the bedroom while he showers. He comes into the room, I bombard him with kisses, we have to stop for a moment and I see his heart beating so hard in his chest. We continue, he is extremely sexually charged, but not in the sweet romantic way as before. That's okay because we both want it so badly. We stop to get food and eat it outside in the backyard. We have some drinks and have a long debate about culture. When it's my time for the diatribe he smiles at me and pulls my chair closer to him. Afterward I sit on his lap and we makeout. At one point I snake my arms around him and suck his neck and nibble his ear, I can see his eyes close in pleasure. He pulls me down for more kisses. It's all nice, I am distracted. I push to the back of my head that he hasn't really commented on how I look today. In the bedroom it's quite playful and fun, but far away from the romance of the first night. I don't think much of it.

• In the morning he leaves to set up the boat and bring it home. I get ready. He comments he likes my pigtails but thats about all the cuteness. I sit on his lap once on the porch, he asks me to sit aside so he can eat. We leave. It's quiet on the way, but still positive. Then the trailer breaks, he tries to be a good sport about it but he is stressed out. I hug him and I kiss him, he is as stiff as a board, I chalk it up to stress. I get a little quiet in the truck with his roomate and his girlfriend. I don't know anything about trailers or welders or mechanics so I feel a bit out of my element. Same in the cabin when they are setting up the raft, I feel a bit useless and it renders me silent. He looks to me and smiles enough to keep me at bay. On the raft when we start drinking I loosen up and we all four have a good time. Katie goes to sit with Mathis and they cuddle. She teasingly ushers him to sit near me, he jumps in the water instead. Ouch. I get in too and he is playful in the water.
• We get back to the cabin, he follows me into the shower and makes out with me and tries to have sex. I feel a little snubbed from the raft, so I don't give in as much. He holds my face when he kisses me, and I forget easily. I put my dress on, he likes it a lot. On the couch he is handsy with me, I still feel a bit snubed but I eventually relent. I teach everyone how to play Kemps, it is fun and Mathis especially enjoys it though I know Branden doesn't love it as much. At one point he gazes at me, smiling. Katie and Matthis laugh, "what's going on over here?" she teases. In the house we play Waterfall, Branden has his hands on me as much as possible and I enjoy the game. We go outside to watch the fireworks on the porch. I sit on his lap, he holds my hand when he kisses me. This is what I wanted and what I hoped he did too. After that we get drunker and have sex, he takes me outside on the porch multiple times in the night. The sex is quite mechanically and not romantic, though I don't remember.
• In the morning I wake him up to see the sunrise. We laugh and joke and tease each other a lot and have sex. Again, it's nice but he's distant. Just more and more distant. We sleep for a couple hours and when we're up again, he's the most distant he's ever been with him. I try to be playful and teasing and he's not into it. On the way back and at the resteraunt he is still distant but tries to stay polite. At home we chat on his bed before I leave, but it's like friends. I wonder if I just feel a bit burnt out. I remark that it feels weird and he says I'm being weird. I leave with a hug, but am withdrawn. There is no kiss.

Week 6: The confusion, the pain. I felt so snubbed. There were such few moments of romance. I think about how different he had been relative to the first few times. The texting is essentially non-existent until he texts me about camping on Thursday. We resume. He is more forthcoming with texts than me. I find out he's going to the bars again and snap a bit. I tell him I'm not coming to see him for a while. With a sad smiley face he says he gets it. That night he snaps himself at some outdoor dance event. He does it three times, I wonder if its for me. I say nothing. In the morning I wonder if he is scared I'm upset. He messages me at 11am "whats up?". I think he probably was. I am a bit withdrawn through texting, but offer him enough so that he knows I'm not upset. The next day we text intermittently, and I think I must be on his mind and feel certain he will call. He does. It's weird, he is a bit rude and obnoxious.

Yesterday: I call him about the drunk message. He apologizes. I tell him I've felt a bit weird, that he seemed withdrawn and didn't respond to my kisses last week. He said we had kissed a lot and he just "wasn't feeling like that". I say I understand. Is there anything else on his end he wants to say? He says "it's kind of been at the back of my head...about what I said earlier about how I don't want a relationship." I say I had noticed him being more withdrawn. I said that at the start of this he said he liked me and we never revisited the conversation. Did that change? He said it hadn't changed, but it hadn't grown further. I said is that because you just realize you don't feel that way for me? Or because you cut yourself off from feeling for me? He said the former. I said recalled how romantic he had been that second time, how emotionally intimate he was. I asked him what happened because he never was like that afterward. He said after that he "felt this was getting too close" and tried to stop because he knew he didn't want a relationship. So you gave up? "Yeah. I gave up, so it's probably kind of both." If you knew it was going to end why didn't you just let yourself feel it? "Because then we don't know what would have happened and it would have been harder". Just continues to insist he doesn't want attachment right now. He doesn't want a relationship. I hurt and he knows it. He says this is what he was afraid of, hurting me and hurting himself. There's always pain involved when you--"open up?" Yeah. Everyone goes through it its a part of life. All those songs and poetry. It's all part of the human experience. "I don't know what I'm doing" he says. "That's part of it I just don't know what I'm doing right now." What young person does? No one in their twenties knows what they're doing. Was it special for you at all? Was it meaningful to you? "yeah...I mean you're not just like some girl." Thanks, I think. He remarks he thinks my feelings for him are stronger than they are for me. It's simmilar to our first phone call about it, he deflected his feelings for me so much. This time I wonder if it's more true than before. "I'm sorry I put you through this." I'm okay I say, do you..."yes?" do you still want to  be my friend. "Of course" he whispers. Okay..."Do you..need some time?"

Yeah I'm gonna need some time.