...just let it speak to you
dear --
i'm not supposed to write your anymore cuz everytime i do, you never write back, and then i feel bad. i got this friend now, she's like, my counselor and i tell her everything. she says, "if you wanna feel bad, write --" she says that after two years, healthy people move on, and that i don't really love you anymore, i just think i do because i have a tendency to wanna feel bad in order to punish myself, because i feel guilty that i didn't do better when you were my girl. she says i have to forgive myself; and everytime we talk, she keeps using the word acceptance, like 58 billion times. it's real fucking annoying. she keeps telling me that nothing in this world happens by mistake, so if "me and you" aren't "me and you" anymore, it's because its not a mistake and it's supposed to be like that. she tells me people do what they wanna do, and they don't do what they don't wanna do.and that if you wanted to write me bacl, you would, but you don't wanna, so you don't. and she also says that if i wanted to be a better boyfriend, i woulda been, but i wasn't. she tells me i'm a good guy and taht i did the best i could and that i will learn from the experience in the future. sometimes i try to artgue with her, but she always wins cuz shes smarter than me and all her arguments make sense, and all my arguments don't make sense to anyone but drunks and the metnally ill people that i work with down at this place. "i don't wanna learn from the future, i just wanna learn from now" and she tells me, "if you really wanted --so bad, then how come you never went down there to try to get her?" i told her i did try, but you wouldn't see me and she tells me that i should have insisted on seeing you, but that i didn't insist because of 2 reasons: either i knew it was really over and seeing you would confirm it and i didn't want it to be confirmed, OR, i didn't insist because i really in my heart wanted to get back with you. i just thought i did. she says that since i hurt you the first time we broke up, and also the second time we broke up, that now i wnan get hurt back because i feel its what i deserve and also because i think i have to be punished or something cuz i come from a real fucked up mountain family where everyone's nice but real fucked up... anyways, thats why i haven't written you for a while, it's not because you're not in my heart the truth is, you're never too far away from my thoughts and don't think i'm unhealthy, or a stalker, or a junkie, or anything crazy. i love you--, and as long as i love you, i'm gnona love you no matter what anyone s ays. --, i know this girl who had a messed up time with her boyfriend and then they got back together, but then she walked awaybecause even though she still loved him, and even though she still really wanted to be with him, she just couldn't cuz she still really wanted to be with him, she just coulnd;t cuz she said that something had been broken and that it couldn't be fixed even though she wished it could and it killed her cause it didn't. maybe i broke something with you,--, and it can't be fixed. i don't know. --, i can picture us real old sitting on a porch somewhere, and when i look into your eyes, its the exact same as they've always been. and i smile at you, and you smile at me.and i quietly think to myself how im without question the luckiest son of a bitch in the whole entire world. and then you take my hand, and we dont say anything but i feel your old hand against my old and is all the confirmation ill ever need/ because our hands are old and rickety and lined and scarred and gnarledd and broken, but crease for crease, line for line, gnarl for gnarl. like some old puzzle, our old hands. they fit clean.theres a lot of stuff that people know, but theres also a lot of stuff no one can tell you, and the stuff no one can tell you is the most important stuff to know. and even if i never get to see you or smell you or feel you or love you again, it'll be okay. i just want you to know that you were and are like that old song "first.last. everything' not in a bad way --, but in the only way that really matters. and tell that --- he can bang me around all he fuckin wants, sooner or later, his arms will get pretty tired. i was dumb --, and im probably still dumb. but maybe if you look into my eyes, you'll see that i changed. and all i'm saying is that i'm more than willing to take a beating from ---, to find out.
all my love, ---.
i'm not supposed to write your anymore cuz everytime i do, you never write back, and then i feel bad. i got this friend now, she's like, my counselor and i tell her everything. she says, "if you wanna feel bad, write --" she says that after two years, healthy people move on, and that i don't really love you anymore, i just think i do because i have a tendency to wanna feel bad in order to punish myself, because i feel guilty that i didn't do better when you were my girl. she says i have to forgive myself; and everytime we talk, she keeps using the word acceptance, like 58 billion times. it's real fucking annoying. she keeps telling me that nothing in this world happens by mistake, so if "me and you" aren't "me and you" anymore, it's because its not a mistake and it's supposed to be like that. she tells me people do what they wanna do, and they don't do what they don't wanna do.and that if you wanted to write me bacl, you would, but you don't wanna, so you don't. and she also says that if i wanted to be a better boyfriend, i woulda been, but i wasn't. she tells me i'm a good guy and taht i did the best i could and that i will learn from the experience in the future. sometimes i try to artgue with her, but she always wins cuz shes smarter than me and all her arguments make sense, and all my arguments don't make sense to anyone but drunks and the metnally ill people that i work with down at this place. "i don't wanna learn from the future, i just wanna learn from now" and she tells me, "if you really wanted --so bad, then how come you never went down there to try to get her?" i told her i did try, but you wouldn't see me and she tells me that i should have insisted on seeing you, but that i didn't insist because of 2 reasons: either i knew it was really over and seeing you would confirm it and i didn't want it to be confirmed, OR, i didn't insist because i really in my heart wanted to get back with you. i just thought i did. she says that since i hurt you the first time we broke up, and also the second time we broke up, that now i wnan get hurt back because i feel its what i deserve and also because i think i have to be punished or something cuz i come from a real fucked up mountain family where everyone's nice but real fucked up... anyways, thats why i haven't written you for a while, it's not because you're not in my heart the truth is, you're never too far away from my thoughts and don't think i'm unhealthy, or a stalker, or a junkie, or anything crazy. i love you--, and as long as i love you, i'm gnona love you no matter what anyone s ays. --, i know this girl who had a messed up time with her boyfriend and then they got back together, but then she walked awaybecause even though she still loved him, and even though she still really wanted to be with him, she just couldn't cuz she still really wanted to be with him, she just coulnd;t cuz she said that something had been broken and that it couldn't be fixed even though she wished it could and it killed her cause it didn't. maybe i broke something with you,--, and it can't be fixed. i don't know. --, i can picture us real old sitting on a porch somewhere, and when i look into your eyes, its the exact same as they've always been. and i smile at you, and you smile at me.and i quietly think to myself how im without question the luckiest son of a bitch in the whole entire world. and then you take my hand, and we dont say anything but i feel your old hand against my old and is all the confirmation ill ever need/ because our hands are old and rickety and lined and scarred and gnarledd and broken, but crease for crease, line for line, gnarl for gnarl. like some old puzzle, our old hands. they fit clean.theres a lot of stuff that people know, but theres also a lot of stuff no one can tell you, and the stuff no one can tell you is the most important stuff to know. and even if i never get to see you or smell you or feel you or love you again, it'll be okay. i just want you to know that you were and are like that old song "first.last. everything' not in a bad way --, but in the only way that really matters. and tell that --- he can bang me around all he fuckin wants, sooner or later, his arms will get pretty tired. i was dumb --, and im probably still dumb. but maybe if you look into my eyes, you'll see that i changed. and all i'm saying is that i'm more than willing to take a beating from ---, to find out.
all my love, ---.