you get off when I give in
And because everyone loves surveys...I thought this one was pretty funny, so I decided to share with everybody (aren't you lucky?). Oh and I hate women again, so if you are of the female persuasion, eat my ass. Sorry, nothing personal.
SECTION ONE: CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS AND PORN
1. YOUR LIFE ASPIRATION AS A CHILD: I don't think I had anything particularly in mind, but I was quite fond of baseball and being like Richard Greico in If Looks Could Kill, both were kickass and wholly realistic goals if you ask me.
2. YOUR VIEWS ON YOUR CHILDHOOD LIFETIME ASPIRATIONS: Look, all I know is all that money I spent on Mortal Kombat at the bowling alley and Magic: The Gathering cards was well worth it.
3. COULD YOU SEE THOSE SAME ASPIRATIONS AS A PORN MOVIE? A spy posing as a baseball player and bangin' chicks on the road? Yeah, I could see that.
4. HOW FAR IS YOUR CURRENT STATION IN LIFE FROM THOSE CHIDHOOD ASPIRATIONS? Well, while there is probably a certain level of inherent danger that comes with teaching in H.I.S.D., I'm still not using x-ray specs and super fast foreign cars to battle French mobsters, so I'd say pretty fuckin' far.
5. WOULD YOU RATHER JUST BE A PORN STAR? I'd rather be "A-Cup" from Orgazmo.
6. IF YOU WERE IN PORN, WHAT KIND OF PORN WOULD YOU MAKE? Probably one involving superhero costumes...and fish sticks. Use your imagination (don't worry, it's not supposed to make sense).
7. WHAT WOULD YOU CALL YOUR PORN MOVIE? All I know is that Lauren's brother got caught with a porn entitled, Sailor, Set Sail on My Ass, and that is the best porn...no, best movie title EVER.
8. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB/CAREER (INCLUDING PORN) WHAT WOULD IT BE? Professional rock god who strangles faggot emo bands with their sweaters (best of both worlds).
9. AMATEUR PORN FOR HOME USE, YES OR NO? Sure!
SECTION TWO: WORK AND JESUS
1. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? Sure, why not.
2. WHEN DO YOU CALL ON GOD MORE, DURING SEX OR WHEN FRUSTRATED? I don't say a damn thing when I'm having sex b/c guys making noise is disgusting, so it'd have to be when frustrated.
3. IF GOD ACTUALLY SHOWED UP WHILE YOU WERE SAYING "OH, GOD" IN BED, WHAT EXACTLY WOULD YOU DO? Tell him to grab a brewsky and that I'd be with him in a moment...and to stop looking at my ass.
4. QUIET. NO ONE'S LOOKING. ACROSS FROM YOU IS YOUR FRIEND THE WANNABE HIPPY, WICCAN, SAVE THE DOLPHINS FROM THE WHALES, BAN BRAS, MOTHER EARTH, CALL ON THE GODDESS SORT OF PERSON. YOU HAVE THIS SINGLE CHANCE TO DO/SAY ANYTHING TO THEM WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING IT WAS YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO? Nothing, I'm not a hater.
5. WHILE AT WORK, YOUR EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS COWORKER PROCEEDS TO ENGAGE YOU ABOUT YOUR LACK OF RELIGION, WHAT DO YOU DO? Sick Randy on 'em.
6. YOU'VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND AND THE END IS NIGH. PANIC, FIND JESUS, OR PARTY? I've never believed in using religion as "fire insurance" as we used to say at the ol' Baptist school, so with that in mind, I'd say pop the top on the keg, light up the fatties, and bring on the bitches!
7. YOUR FIRST THOUGHTS UPON ARRIVING AT WORK God, Kathy's dumb as shit.
8. YOUR LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE LEAVING WORK Molly has a horn growing out of her forehead, that's so gross...and Kathy is REALLY fuckin' dumb.
9. APPROXIMATE TIME YOU START COUNTING HOW LONG UNTIL LUNCH I work weird hours so this doesn't apply. Just suffice it to say that I don't feel right until I get my energy drink injection. Monster, Full Throttle, Red Bull...I don't discriminate, I love you all.
10. COFFEE AT WORK. YES, NO, OR THE WORLD WILL END WITHOUT IT? Makes no difference to me b/c I don't drink it.
11. YOUR SALARY. UNDERPAID, ADEQUATELY PAID, OR PLEASE GOD LET ME WIN THE LOTTERY? I guess I'm adequately paid, but I recently started running guns across the border so that should help pick up the slack.
12. WOULD YOU MAKE MORE MONEY AT YOUR JOB IF YOU WERE JESUS? Probably, that dude's got it made.
13. WOULD YOU MAKE MORE MONEY IF YOU SLEPT WITH THE BOSS? hahahahahahahaha, that goiter on his neck is pretty fuckin' hot
14. IS MAKING MORE MONEY WORTH SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS? If I had a hot boss, I wouldn't need to get paid to do it. I'm all about the late night, push me onto the desk and do me with your business woman's suit on fantasy, but considering my boss is a 6'5, 350 pound middle aged man who stinks, has a huge goiter on his neck, long stringy gray hair, walks around with his fly open and refers to his penis as his "little girl"...uh, no thanks
SECTION THREE: SPIRITUAL, SEXUAL HODGEPODGE OF LIFE
1. DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Do I ever...you know you've seen that bigass spoiler representin' on the streetz of H-Town.
2. IF SO, DO YOU LOVE YOUR CAR? Yeah, it comes through.
3. IF YOU'RE A NAMER OF CARS, WHAT DID YOU NAME IT? Greased Thunder.
4. HAVE YOU BEEN SEXUAL IN YOUR CAR? I am proud to say that I have defiled every car that I have ever driven for any length of time (including Will's! haha)...by the way, hope you enjoy Dad's Camaro, Alex!
5. ON YOUR CAR? It ain't gonna wax itself.
6. WITH YOUR CAR? I plead the 5th.
7. LUBE. YES, NO, OR WHOOHOOOO? I still think "lube" is a funny word. Hi, I'm 12.
8. YOU'VE JUST DIED AND HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IN HEAVEN YOU GET TO CHOOSE TO BE ANY ANIME CHARACTER. WHO DO YOU CHOOSE? I had a very short stint with anime, but then I realized it was gay (take that, Dave!). But I do remember thinking Vampire Hunter D was pretty sweet.
9. YOU'VE JUST DIED AND HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IN HELL YOU SUCK GWB'S COCK. HOW LONG UNTIL YOU REPENT? hahahahaha, that is too funny, I don't even need to answer...the question is entertaining enough as it is
10. CONSIDER YOUR LOVER/SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT HUMAN. WORTH DYING FOR? Being that they don't exist, probably not.
11. WORTH SITTING THROUGH A SEASON OF SURVIVOR FOR? Hey now, NO ONE is worth going through that.
12. IF THEY'RE WORTH DYING FOR, BUT NOT WATCHING SURVIVOR FOR, WOULD THEY ASSIST YOU IN THE STALKING AND MURDER OF EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE CREATION OF SURVIVOR? A man can only dream...
13. YOU'RE STUCK ON AN ISLAND WITH YOUR LOVER/SPOUSE/BUTT BUDDY AND ONE ITEM. WHAT ITEM IS IT? "Cocktails" by Too Short
14. YOUR LOVER HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A CHICKEN. NOW WHAT? Shit.
15. THE FUCK? CHICKEN? Exactly.
16. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION The one where I show my "O" face.
17. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WHEN YOU HAVE RUGBURN ON YOUR KNEES None, that shit sucks.
18. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WITH A CHICKEN Any.
19. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WITH A RACING CHICKEN THAT'S SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE THE DAMNED FINAL FANTASY BIRDS? I have no idea what that even means.
20. HOW MANY HOURS HAVE YOU PERSONALLY SPENT INVOLVED IN THE BREEDING OF SAID DAMNED FF BIRDS? I don't even know what's going on anymore.
21. DID IT TURN YOU ON OR JUST MAKE YOU CLINICALLY INSANE? See above.
SECTION FOUR: GOD DAMNED STUPID SHIT
1. PICK A COLOR Green
2. PICK A CONDOM Magnum!
3. PICK A SONG "Get Up" by Unwritten Law
4. PICK A VACATION DESTINATION Psshh...Disney World! duh!
5. CAN YOU ENVISION YOURSELF HAVING SEX WITH THE COLORED CONDOM YOU CHOSE IN THE DESTINATION YOU PICKED WHILE LISTENING TO SAID SONG? That is fucking awesome. Seriously.
6. NEW LAW DICTATES THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GAI AND SILLY INTERNET CYBERPET OR YOU'LL HAVE YOUR GENITALS REMOVED WITH A RED HOT POKER AND A SPOON. WHAT DO YOU PICK? Pretty sure the former...can't be THAT bad.
7. BIRD OR FISH? Fish
8. THE ABOVE-AS A PET OR AS DINNER? Well, apparently I got drunk one time and told this dude who loves fish that I was all about fish and months later, he remembered this and brought it up. The moral of the story is don't fuck with people when you're drunk and think you're being funny b/c it will come back to bite you in the ass when you're sober.
9. WHAT YOU'RE BEST AT Driving people away.
10. WHAT YOU SUCK AT Not giving a fuck.
11. WHAT YOU REALLY FUCKING SUCK AT Bleh.
I think I'm having an old school birthday this year. I wanna go to Prince's and stuff my face with one of those badass hamburgers and a malt. THEN, go to Malibu Grand Prix and hit up the go-karts. Nice, wholesome fun.
SECTION ONE: CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS AND PORN
1. YOUR LIFE ASPIRATION AS A CHILD: I don't think I had anything particularly in mind, but I was quite fond of baseball and being like Richard Greico in If Looks Could Kill, both were kickass and wholly realistic goals if you ask me.
2. YOUR VIEWS ON YOUR CHILDHOOD LIFETIME ASPIRATIONS: Look, all I know is all that money I spent on Mortal Kombat at the bowling alley and Magic: The Gathering cards was well worth it.
3. COULD YOU SEE THOSE SAME ASPIRATIONS AS A PORN MOVIE? A spy posing as a baseball player and bangin' chicks on the road? Yeah, I could see that.
4. HOW FAR IS YOUR CURRENT STATION IN LIFE FROM THOSE CHIDHOOD ASPIRATIONS? Well, while there is probably a certain level of inherent danger that comes with teaching in H.I.S.D., I'm still not using x-ray specs and super fast foreign cars to battle French mobsters, so I'd say pretty fuckin' far.
5. WOULD YOU RATHER JUST BE A PORN STAR? I'd rather be "A-Cup" from Orgazmo.
6. IF YOU WERE IN PORN, WHAT KIND OF PORN WOULD YOU MAKE? Probably one involving superhero costumes...and fish sticks. Use your imagination (don't worry, it's not supposed to make sense).
7. WHAT WOULD YOU CALL YOUR PORN MOVIE? All I know is that Lauren's brother got caught with a porn entitled, Sailor, Set Sail on My Ass, and that is the best porn...no, best movie title EVER.
8. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB/CAREER (INCLUDING PORN) WHAT WOULD IT BE? Professional rock god who strangles faggot emo bands with their sweaters (best of both worlds).
9. AMATEUR PORN FOR HOME USE, YES OR NO? Sure!
SECTION TWO: WORK AND JESUS
1. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? Sure, why not.
2. WHEN DO YOU CALL ON GOD MORE, DURING SEX OR WHEN FRUSTRATED? I don't say a damn thing when I'm having sex b/c guys making noise is disgusting, so it'd have to be when frustrated.
3. IF GOD ACTUALLY SHOWED UP WHILE YOU WERE SAYING "OH, GOD" IN BED, WHAT EXACTLY WOULD YOU DO? Tell him to grab a brewsky and that I'd be with him in a moment...and to stop looking at my ass.
4. QUIET. NO ONE'S LOOKING. ACROSS FROM YOU IS YOUR FRIEND THE WANNABE HIPPY, WICCAN, SAVE THE DOLPHINS FROM THE WHALES, BAN BRAS, MOTHER EARTH, CALL ON THE GODDESS SORT OF PERSON. YOU HAVE THIS SINGLE CHANCE TO DO/SAY ANYTHING TO THEM WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING IT WAS YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO? Nothing, I'm not a hater.
5. WHILE AT WORK, YOUR EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS COWORKER PROCEEDS TO ENGAGE YOU ABOUT YOUR LACK OF RELIGION, WHAT DO YOU DO? Sick Randy on 'em.
6. YOU'VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND AND THE END IS NIGH. PANIC, FIND JESUS, OR PARTY? I've never believed in using religion as "fire insurance" as we used to say at the ol' Baptist school, so with that in mind, I'd say pop the top on the keg, light up the fatties, and bring on the bitches!
7. YOUR FIRST THOUGHTS UPON ARRIVING AT WORK God, Kathy's dumb as shit.
8. YOUR LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE LEAVING WORK Molly has a horn growing out of her forehead, that's so gross...and Kathy is REALLY fuckin' dumb.
9. APPROXIMATE TIME YOU START COUNTING HOW LONG UNTIL LUNCH I work weird hours so this doesn't apply. Just suffice it to say that I don't feel right until I get my energy drink injection. Monster, Full Throttle, Red Bull...I don't discriminate, I love you all.
10. COFFEE AT WORK. YES, NO, OR THE WORLD WILL END WITHOUT IT? Makes no difference to me b/c I don't drink it.
11. YOUR SALARY. UNDERPAID, ADEQUATELY PAID, OR PLEASE GOD LET ME WIN THE LOTTERY? I guess I'm adequately paid, but I recently started running guns across the border so that should help pick up the slack.
12. WOULD YOU MAKE MORE MONEY AT YOUR JOB IF YOU WERE JESUS? Probably, that dude's got it made.
13. WOULD YOU MAKE MORE MONEY IF YOU SLEPT WITH THE BOSS? hahahahahahahaha, that goiter on his neck is pretty fuckin' hot
14. IS MAKING MORE MONEY WORTH SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS? If I had a hot boss, I wouldn't need to get paid to do it. I'm all about the late night, push me onto the desk and do me with your business woman's suit on fantasy, but considering my boss is a 6'5, 350 pound middle aged man who stinks, has a huge goiter on his neck, long stringy gray hair, walks around with his fly open and refers to his penis as his "little girl"...uh, no thanks
SECTION THREE: SPIRITUAL, SEXUAL HODGEPODGE OF LIFE
1. DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Do I ever...you know you've seen that bigass spoiler representin' on the streetz of H-Town.
2. IF SO, DO YOU LOVE YOUR CAR? Yeah, it comes through.
3. IF YOU'RE A NAMER OF CARS, WHAT DID YOU NAME IT? Greased Thunder.
4. HAVE YOU BEEN SEXUAL IN YOUR CAR? I am proud to say that I have defiled every car that I have ever driven for any length of time (including Will's! haha)...by the way, hope you enjoy Dad's Camaro, Alex!
5. ON YOUR CAR? It ain't gonna wax itself.
6. WITH YOUR CAR? I plead the 5th.
7. LUBE. YES, NO, OR WHOOHOOOO? I still think "lube" is a funny word. Hi, I'm 12.
8. YOU'VE JUST DIED AND HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IN HEAVEN YOU GET TO CHOOSE TO BE ANY ANIME CHARACTER. WHO DO YOU CHOOSE? I had a very short stint with anime, but then I realized it was gay (take that, Dave!). But I do remember thinking Vampire Hunter D was pretty sweet.
9. YOU'VE JUST DIED AND HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IN HELL YOU SUCK GWB'S COCK. HOW LONG UNTIL YOU REPENT? hahahahaha, that is too funny, I don't even need to answer...the question is entertaining enough as it is
10. CONSIDER YOUR LOVER/SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT HUMAN. WORTH DYING FOR? Being that they don't exist, probably not.
11. WORTH SITTING THROUGH A SEASON OF SURVIVOR FOR? Hey now, NO ONE is worth going through that.
12. IF THEY'RE WORTH DYING FOR, BUT NOT WATCHING SURVIVOR FOR, WOULD THEY ASSIST YOU IN THE STALKING AND MURDER OF EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE CREATION OF SURVIVOR? A man can only dream...
13. YOU'RE STUCK ON AN ISLAND WITH YOUR LOVER/SPOUSE/BUTT BUDDY AND ONE ITEM. WHAT ITEM IS IT? "Cocktails" by Too Short
14. YOUR LOVER HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A CHICKEN. NOW WHAT? Shit.
15. THE FUCK? CHICKEN? Exactly.
16. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION The one where I show my "O" face.
17. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WHEN YOU HAVE RUGBURN ON YOUR KNEES None, that shit sucks.
18. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WITH A CHICKEN Any.
19. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WITH A RACING CHICKEN THAT'S SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE THE DAMNED FINAL FANTASY BIRDS? I have no idea what that even means.
20. HOW MANY HOURS HAVE YOU PERSONALLY SPENT INVOLVED IN THE BREEDING OF SAID DAMNED FF BIRDS? I don't even know what's going on anymore.
21. DID IT TURN YOU ON OR JUST MAKE YOU CLINICALLY INSANE? See above.
SECTION FOUR: GOD DAMNED STUPID SHIT
1. PICK A COLOR Green
2. PICK A CONDOM Magnum!
3. PICK A SONG "Get Up" by Unwritten Law
4. PICK A VACATION DESTINATION Psshh...Disney World! duh!
5. CAN YOU ENVISION YOURSELF HAVING SEX WITH THE COLORED CONDOM YOU CHOSE IN THE DESTINATION YOU PICKED WHILE LISTENING TO SAID SONG? That is fucking awesome. Seriously.
6. NEW LAW DICTATES THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GAI AND SILLY INTERNET CYBERPET OR YOU'LL HAVE YOUR GENITALS REMOVED WITH A RED HOT POKER AND A SPOON. WHAT DO YOU PICK? Pretty sure the former...can't be THAT bad.
7. BIRD OR FISH? Fish
8. THE ABOVE-AS A PET OR AS DINNER? Well, apparently I got drunk one time and told this dude who loves fish that I was all about fish and months later, he remembered this and brought it up. The moral of the story is don't fuck with people when you're drunk and think you're being funny b/c it will come back to bite you in the ass when you're sober.
9. WHAT YOU'RE BEST AT Driving people away.
10. WHAT YOU SUCK AT Not giving a fuck.
11. WHAT YOU REALLY FUCKING SUCK AT Bleh.
I think I'm having an old school birthday this year. I wanna go to Prince's and stuff my face with one of those badass hamburgers and a malt. THEN, go to Malibu Grand Prix and hit up the go-karts. Nice, wholesome fun.