knots of life.
i feel like i have knots in my back and neck... it's absolutely aggravating. it's not extremely painful, but it sort of is. too much stress... or just my back hates me. either way, i hate the feeling. it's a love/ hate relationship... which is kind of like my life lately. i've been thinking about a lot of things that haven't gone my way. i may be quiting one of my jobs sooner rather than later. it's not worth it. i don't enjoy going into work anymore. i don't agree with the many changes that have happened over the past six months. right now, i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i would prefer to stay till june, but we'll see. i may terminate it sooner than that. i'm looking for a better paying job that will help me decide what i want to be when i eventually peace out of fitchburg. is it possible to even find one of those? or i'm looking into bartending. i've been worried about money for a lot of reasons... i need to pay my bills and other things. i hate relying on my parents; it's just another stress to them and other things that i won't address here.
let's see... my grandma cabo passed away on february 2, 2007. i didn't think i would get emotion because i wasn't really that close with her. but when i walked into the room with the casket. fuck. i got emotional. i hate being emotional. it's not me. i was even emotional at the funeral mass and burial. at the burial i felt like i had more reason too, i hadn't been at that cemetary in a long time. and it's also the place where my poppy and great grandmother are buried too. i'm the only grandchild to meet poppy and one of two great grandchildren to meet my great grandmother. but i'm the one that would actually remember- remember her. my cousin was much younger than i when she passed. i just don't know what i think of the situation still... it's just wierd. there was one picture at the wake that captured my grandmother. it was back in the army days of world war two, when she was a nurse stationed in the us. she was being her... wacky grandma self. her arms were flared up in the arm, her body twisted... almost like she was posing for the camera... and she was. it just captured her. her relationship with me, was not really normal. we never talked on the phone. we had no common interests. when i was around her, we interacted on some basis. i can't explain it. but the last time i visited her... my last words to her were "i love you." at this point, she barely could talk and had little bodily control of herself. she lifted her head up slighty and fully opened her eyes. i doubt i'd ever said that to her before. i'm rarely show my feelings and emotions to others, especially family. that moment we had, was our last. i had a hard time throughout the whole process (wake- funeral mass- burial). i wasn't myself. still not myself. but whatever. in mass to get my mind off of things, i started questioning my religious views. i believe there's a god, but of an unknown form. i don't believe in the views of certain religions. i'm not fond of priests. the priest that did the service for my grandmother, i've met before due to my cousins' religious christianings and such. personally, i think theres something he's hiding. i just can't grasp the concept. blah. nevermind. i really am starting to think i'm an atheist.
nashville came & gone. it was interesting to say the least. i like the city of nashville. not too city, but not too towny. stage crew was cool, i guess. the conference was rather... not what i expected. the past two years had been amazing. this year was really not-so-amazing. the marketplace was absolutely horrid. i wasn't impressed by some of the acts that were there. i don't know. i'm kind of lost for words. i liked doing stage crew, but i don't think my boss liked me.
alternative spring break is in 8 days. i'm sort of excited for it. i'll be even more excited as the days get closer.
that's just some of the things happening.. theres alot more...
let's see... my grandma cabo passed away on february 2, 2007. i didn't think i would get emotion because i wasn't really that close with her. but when i walked into the room with the casket. fuck. i got emotional. i hate being emotional. it's not me. i was even emotional at the funeral mass and burial. at the burial i felt like i had more reason too, i hadn't been at that cemetary in a long time. and it's also the place where my poppy and great grandmother are buried too. i'm the only grandchild to meet poppy and one of two great grandchildren to meet my great grandmother. but i'm the one that would actually remember- remember her. my cousin was much younger than i when she passed. i just don't know what i think of the situation still... it's just wierd. there was one picture at the wake that captured my grandmother. it was back in the army days of world war two, when she was a nurse stationed in the us. she was being her... wacky grandma self. her arms were flared up in the arm, her body twisted... almost like she was posing for the camera... and she was. it just captured her. her relationship with me, was not really normal. we never talked on the phone. we had no common interests. when i was around her, we interacted on some basis. i can't explain it. but the last time i visited her... my last words to her were "i love you." at this point, she barely could talk and had little bodily control of herself. she lifted her head up slighty and fully opened her eyes. i doubt i'd ever said that to her before. i'm rarely show my feelings and emotions to others, especially family. that moment we had, was our last. i had a hard time throughout the whole process (wake- funeral mass- burial). i wasn't myself. still not myself. but whatever. in mass to get my mind off of things, i started questioning my religious views. i believe there's a god, but of an unknown form. i don't believe in the views of certain religions. i'm not fond of priests. the priest that did the service for my grandmother, i've met before due to my cousins' religious christianings and such. personally, i think theres something he's hiding. i just can't grasp the concept. blah. nevermind. i really am starting to think i'm an atheist.
nashville came & gone. it was interesting to say the least. i like the city of nashville. not too city, but not too towny. stage crew was cool, i guess. the conference was rather... not what i expected. the past two years had been amazing. this year was really not-so-amazing. the marketplace was absolutely horrid. i wasn't impressed by some of the acts that were there. i don't know. i'm kind of lost for words. i liked doing stage crew, but i don't think my boss liked me.
alternative spring break is in 8 days. i'm sort of excited for it. i'll be even more excited as the days get closer.
that's just some of the things happening.. theres alot more...