Undeserving
Why does everyone put me down? Why do I get to hear everyone's shit and their opinions on how I live my life, or how much money I spend, or where I work, or how I transport myself from place to place? Why am I under such constant pressure from everyone. It's like I can't breathe. My life is being suffocated and I can't find the air.
I swear to God as my witness, that I will seriously hurt the next person who fucking says one thing about my job. I just want to scream. Whose job is it? Hmmm? Mine, so back the fuck off. I don't care if I am not making money right now, cause you know what? I LOVE my new job. It's something new and exciting and yes, we are extremely dead right now, but we JUST opened. So it'll pick up soon.
Next, I just want everyone to drop the topic of me having to pay for my school. I've been hearing a lot of "How can your parents NOT pay for your college tuition?" (It's not just you Zsofia). But it's like I've said, it's how you were raised. Both my parents were raised this way. Once you're eighteen, you're responsibilities as a parent shift. You don't HAVE to pay for your child to go to school, especially since they spent $25,000 on private high school for you. And they help you out if you need it, just as my parents did when I needed money and had no one else to turn to. But I have no right asking them to pay for my college tuition, not after all they've done for me. Going to college is my choice, not theirs, and therefore I should be responsible for the tuition and living expenses, if I so choose to live in the dorms, which I did. And you know what? They didn't get or take handouts from anyone when they were my age, why should I? It may be hard right now, really, really hard, but at least I know that if something happened to them today, that I would be able to move on and stand on my own two feet. I don't have to depend on my parents anymore, it's just a matter of learning how to manage my money better.
So for all of you out there that have parents to pay for your college education, or have an ethnic background of a minority to help pay for your education, you're very lucky and should be very appreciative of your parents, cause they can take that away from you in a moment's notice. As for my parents, they're the best, and I will never disrespect them again like I did last night, not for anyone.
So yes, I do feel undeserving of anyone's trust and companionship right now, but I have never felt more clear in my life. I know what my priorities are, and if ANYTHING comes between me and reaching those goals, I will get through them, even if I have to lose people along the way. My future is too important to sacrifice my relationship with my family. I might have the friends and Zsofia right now; I might have their love for now, but it's slipping away. I can feel it. I'm holding onto the one relationship that I can't let go (that's you, Zsofia), but I'm losing all the others. Cecilia is slowly fading away into a memory, and I don't want that. I can't deal with that. And all the other friends I've left behind at Cousin's, I swore I would never forget, and yet I feel that they are a chapter in my life that has closed and that I will never see or talk to them again.
But as time moves on, I grow to be a better person. I'm a puzzle and as I grow, another piece is put together. And that's what I feel happened last night. I fought with my mom, and dreamt about it last night. And I awoke with a clear head and another piece of the person that I am becoming was put into place.
But I can't do it alone. Not anymore. I may be able to pay for school by myself, and I may be able to get myself from place to place, but who do I have to love me? Who will be there when I fall? My parents? Zsofia? My friends? I don't know if they all understand what I'm going through. I don't even think I understand what I'm going through, what I'm feeling. But I know that it isn't happiness right now.
I thought that moving home would make things better, but it's getting worse. I don't feel that I am wanted here. I am always reminded constantly of money, but no one wants to help me with it. I'm just told what to do. How does that help? I am clearly a burden to my family right now. They say that they're glad I'm home, but I know that I am not welcomed right now. I'm just causing stress, I can feel it. But I'm not going to move in with my friends or with Zsofia, cause then I'm burdening their family with me. So, again I feel undeserving of a family who appreciates their child.
Also, why do I get the pressure of being the only grandchild left that can graduate from college? Why? Because my two cousin's are losers who aren't going anywhere with their lives, that's why. But do my grandparents do anything to help me? No, they help my cousin's whom they have no respect for because they are going nowhere. They gave my oldest cousin a CAR, for free, and he already broke it somehow. And he doesn't have the money to fix it; he doesn't even have money to pay for his rent! And my other cousin is living with his dad until who knows when. And then there is my aunt, who is marrying for a second time. And the sad thing is that this guy reminds me of her first husband so much. They are both losers, and she's just blind for not seeing that. She was like the only person in my family that I could relate to outside of my household. And now that's gone too.
And here I am, putting on this act. The one where I'm so happy and excited about life. But really, life sucks. And it just keeps getting worse. No one understands my pain; it's unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. And I am sick of getting talked down to like I am a child! I am so much more mature than some of the adults that I know. I've experienced more in life than many middle-aged people have. So don't talk down to me, cause I swear that I will put you in you're place so fast, you wouldn't know what happened.
So, where does that leave me? Still walking that lonely path, the one that I have ever known and ever will know. It's always there, welcoming me back to its darkness.
"I'm nervous all the time, I can't do anything right....."
So don't talk to me about your problems, cause I already have more than I can handle.
I swear to God as my witness, that I will seriously hurt the next person who fucking says one thing about my job. I just want to scream. Whose job is it? Hmmm? Mine, so back the fuck off. I don't care if I am not making money right now, cause you know what? I LOVE my new job. It's something new and exciting and yes, we are extremely dead right now, but we JUST opened. So it'll pick up soon.
Next, I just want everyone to drop the topic of me having to pay for my school. I've been hearing a lot of "How can your parents NOT pay for your college tuition?" (It's not just you Zsofia). But it's like I've said, it's how you were raised. Both my parents were raised this way. Once you're eighteen, you're responsibilities as a parent shift. You don't HAVE to pay for your child to go to school, especially since they spent $25,000 on private high school for you. And they help you out if you need it, just as my parents did when I needed money and had no one else to turn to. But I have no right asking them to pay for my college tuition, not after all they've done for me. Going to college is my choice, not theirs, and therefore I should be responsible for the tuition and living expenses, if I so choose to live in the dorms, which I did. And you know what? They didn't get or take handouts from anyone when they were my age, why should I? It may be hard right now, really, really hard, but at least I know that if something happened to them today, that I would be able to move on and stand on my own two feet. I don't have to depend on my parents anymore, it's just a matter of learning how to manage my money better.
So for all of you out there that have parents to pay for your college education, or have an ethnic background of a minority to help pay for your education, you're very lucky and should be very appreciative of your parents, cause they can take that away from you in a moment's notice. As for my parents, they're the best, and I will never disrespect them again like I did last night, not for anyone.
So yes, I do feel undeserving of anyone's trust and companionship right now, but I have never felt more clear in my life. I know what my priorities are, and if ANYTHING comes between me and reaching those goals, I will get through them, even if I have to lose people along the way. My future is too important to sacrifice my relationship with my family. I might have the friends and Zsofia right now; I might have their love for now, but it's slipping away. I can feel it. I'm holding onto the one relationship that I can't let go (that's you, Zsofia), but I'm losing all the others. Cecilia is slowly fading away into a memory, and I don't want that. I can't deal with that. And all the other friends I've left behind at Cousin's, I swore I would never forget, and yet I feel that they are a chapter in my life that has closed and that I will never see or talk to them again.
But as time moves on, I grow to be a better person. I'm a puzzle and as I grow, another piece is put together. And that's what I feel happened last night. I fought with my mom, and dreamt about it last night. And I awoke with a clear head and another piece of the person that I am becoming was put into place.
But I can't do it alone. Not anymore. I may be able to pay for school by myself, and I may be able to get myself from place to place, but who do I have to love me? Who will be there when I fall? My parents? Zsofia? My friends? I don't know if they all understand what I'm going through. I don't even think I understand what I'm going through, what I'm feeling. But I know that it isn't happiness right now.
I thought that moving home would make things better, but it's getting worse. I don't feel that I am wanted here. I am always reminded constantly of money, but no one wants to help me with it. I'm just told what to do. How does that help? I am clearly a burden to my family right now. They say that they're glad I'm home, but I know that I am not welcomed right now. I'm just causing stress, I can feel it. But I'm not going to move in with my friends or with Zsofia, cause then I'm burdening their family with me. So, again I feel undeserving of a family who appreciates their child.
Also, why do I get the pressure of being the only grandchild left that can graduate from college? Why? Because my two cousin's are losers who aren't going anywhere with their lives, that's why. But do my grandparents do anything to help me? No, they help my cousin's whom they have no respect for because they are going nowhere. They gave my oldest cousin a CAR, for free, and he already broke it somehow. And he doesn't have the money to fix it; he doesn't even have money to pay for his rent! And my other cousin is living with his dad until who knows when. And then there is my aunt, who is marrying for a second time. And the sad thing is that this guy reminds me of her first husband so much. They are both losers, and she's just blind for not seeing that. She was like the only person in my family that I could relate to outside of my household. And now that's gone too.
And here I am, putting on this act. The one where I'm so happy and excited about life. But really, life sucks. And it just keeps getting worse. No one understands my pain; it's unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. And I am sick of getting talked down to like I am a child! I am so much more mature than some of the adults that I know. I've experienced more in life than many middle-aged people have. So don't talk down to me, cause I swear that I will put you in you're place so fast, you wouldn't know what happened.
So, where does that leave me? Still walking that lonely path, the one that I have ever known and ever will know. It's always there, welcoming me back to its darkness.
"I'm nervous all the time, I can't do anything right....."
So don't talk to me about your problems, cause I already have more than I can handle.