old love letters
Yesterday, I ran across an old school picture of an ex of mine in a most unlikely place. Oddly, a photo by Streunerin had me thinking about her at exactly the moment that I found the picture.
It was a funny thing to run across, a strange souvenir from my past. Not upsetting or disconcerting, just fun and interesting. It reminded me how much I loved her, how much she loved me, how much I still care about her. Even after all these years-or especially after all these years, after the pain and anger seem silly and sophomoric-I can show up on her doorstep and we can talk and laugh and eat like old friends. For a time I thought maybe I never loved her, that I just needed her, needed her love. Now, though, I know I loved her and love her-as I love all of the people I care about.
This photo makes me think of a completely different song (“Souvenirs” by John Prine) but right now I am thinking of Manzanita, my friend and former lover and of another song-“Twenty or so” by Greg Brown. I have always loved the simplicity of it-the idea that the simple hopes-a great apartment with very low rent, long-lived parents, reliable cars-are as important, or maybe more important, than the fantasies that we all harbor.
"Twenty or So"
Put old winter in the closet; he wears too many clothes,
Take down the snow fence; put up the cows.
Sweet spring I smell her, the musk of her thighs,
With her feet in the muck, and her hair in the skies.
I was thinkin' about my hundred old lovers,
How we'd weave the cloth of our sleep, how we'd kick off the covers.
But where you've all gone to I'll never know,
And maybe there were only 50 or so.
May you find great apartments with very low rent,
May you always have a friend when your money is spent.
May your parents live long; may your debts all be paid,
May your clothes fit you right; may you all be well laid.
May you all get great jobs; may you travel in France,
May your cars always start; may you have hot romances.
May your children be sturdy; may you swim in the sea,
May you smile a little if you think of me.
I'm so happy; spring's come back again,
I am so horny; I would love to see you all again.
But where you've all gone to I'll never know,
And maybe there were only twenty or so.