Dear Karma
A brief forward. I love my kids. I love parenting. I think with my mouth (or fingers in this case). That means that I probably overshare the problems because talking/typing out loud is part of my problem solving method. I don't need to share all my personal awesomeness, although I hope I share plenty of the kids nachas.
Dear Karma/Adoshem/Murphy,
Just because I open my mouth on Facebook about effective and ineffective parenting tools does not mean I think I'm perfect or I have no idea how hard it is to make good choices in the moment. Honest! I promise I know I make mistakes. Today, case in point. And really every day, multiple times each day.
I know Facebook isn't the best forum for serious discussion. OTH following the teachings of Hillel, "IfI am not for others, than what am I?" The small or not so small child deserves a voice. My fellow parents deserve effective parenting tools. Seriously, this parenting thing is hard!. Don't we all deserve some help in making things smoother? All of society benefits when we learn and teach communication skills. All of society benefits when we take mental illness seriously and we take interventive steps early and often to prevent it.
So I offer up an in depth look at my day (as best as I can remember an hour past bedtime, when Virgil woke at 4am) to show my flaws and to model the parenting lessons I've gotten from perusing the ever fun Medscape and other sources of peer reviewed scientific studies. Okay, I need to say (shout) it one more time. I go looking for FACTS whenever I can, not opinions. That is why I am generally so self assured about my "ideas" because I am not talking about one child or three children or one country, but studies from across the globe and the decades. Some areas of psychology are very unclear, generally treatment because frankly we don't have many that work. Causation (or at least correlation) of problems is less murky and more easily measurable.
So lets start with "not giving in when your child screams". At 4 AM Virgil woke up to nurse. We nursed one side, then the other. When he wanted to switch again I said, no and offered him water which at first he refused. Finally after I lay on my belly with my breasts underneath me he decided he would accept water. He had some and he did try to snuggle down and sleep for a bit. Then he got more insistent about nursing. Finally demanding/requesting that he needed to go downstairs and eat some cereal. Did I make a great parenting move then? Nope, I lay on my stomach, pulled the covers over my head and cried. Which meant the problem got punted to Brian.
So yes Virgil got what he was screaming for, food (although not nursies). Here's the thing, IMHO if a child is screaming then we as parents have made a mistake somewhere by getting into this situation. Almost every set of hysterics boils down to, "Pee, Food, Sleep or Water?" When our basic needs are not met, life is difficult we are cranky and unreasonable. When these needs are met a meltdown should be uncommon. In Virgil's case he didn't eat much for dinner and he's been gassy. He usually sleeps past 4AM. I don't believe he woke up in the middle of the night because he's trying to manipulate me but because he was uncomfortable from hunger and gas. Sure I can exhibit some control over what he gets to eat but what would happen if I denied him food just because he wasn't asking for it in a nice way after trying to convey what he needed for a while? He'd just keep screaming. He would be hurting physically from hunger and also mentally from having his protector deny him a basic need! That isn't going to build trust or respect. How can you trust someone who hurts you more when you're already hurt?
Moving onto 8am. Virgil demanded marshmallows in his coffee. Of course he didn't need extra sugar, not to mention he's probably mildly allergic to the gelatin and tapioca. He'd been up for four hours! We've been having bedtime and nap issues for enough days now I feel safe saying we've reached chronic sleep deprivation for him. (Thankfully between his 2 naps he got 6 hours of sleep today so I hope we are caught up!). I knew he was screaming for sugar because he needed sleep. I also knew I had to get his brothers' lunches made and them on the bus. I did not want to stop and deal with Virgil so I did say yes. (Although, I did ask him to supply me with a good reason he should get them and when no one else volunteered one I did.). I don't think I'm teaching him to be bratty and demanding. I think I'm teaching him to show kindness (and expediency) when someone doesn't feel good.
I'd love to talk about loosing my cool with Perry at bedtime but its late.
Suffice to say I think as we pass along parenting ideas we should replace the word child with ourselves keeping in mind Do unto others as you'd have done to you. If you wouldn't want your boss or spouse to treat you that way, please step back and see if you can't find another way to treat your child. You are modeling the behavior that they will copy. Listening and teaching them problem solving skills will serve everyone better than inflicting more pain be it physical or psychological.