If Im not me, then who am I?
I was just thinking this week that its been nearly 8 years that Krup has been in existence.
Short story for the rare few that have no idea what Im talking about. Almost 8 years ago, nin.com, message boards, needed user name, real name taken, out of my butt the name krup came to mind, used it.
So about 8 years later, Im not the same person anymore. I guess most people could say after 8 years the same thing, but I feel so different from then... I almost dont feel like that person existed. At the time, where I was, krup became more real than Ross did. Well I did end up spending more than half my day on-line by that name so... yeah.
Now vrs then. Im less angry, which is amazing. Maybe part of that just goes with age, A guy in their lower 20's might just be naturally more inclined to be an angry sob. Id like to think that is true, though Id admit Ive had somethings Ive had to work through. Im less trusting, by a huge degree, some of the causes of that did lead to some of my anger issues. After all that though, I came out ok, but having a hard time trusting in my fellow man. Im smarter, but after you make a million mistakes one would hope you learn something from it. Lonelier, mainly steaming from the whole trust problem. You tell half the people you know to fuck off and see how many will talk to you again.
Ive had a handful of meltdowns in the last couple years. You can only build up so much steam before it blows.. and while my old support group used to be on this great internet thingy, help me from time to time when I needed it. Ive got some of those types of friends that actually live in my area that have been invaluable. Funny thing is, some of them have been my oldest of friends. Of course Ive had to kick my own ass a couple of times into gear.. Anyway I dont want to sound ungrateful to some of the most important people Ive known in my life. Not that any of them will ever read this because Ive done a damn good job alienating myself from most, but I want to give a special thanks so Nanny, Melanie, Bell Bell, Claudia, Cat, Niina, my little Loopy friend, and really anybody else who listened to me rant from time to time or every other day. Most of you were there for me at times when I really needed it. Not to cheapen what Im saying any, but you'd all get gold stars.
So does krup exist anymore? Thats the real question. In a small way sure, he desired to be there for when any one of his friends needed somebody, or just have some fun. Regretfully there was a point when he couldnt do that anymore. It really was impossible, and that was about the time when I was facing some (as I like to call them) challenges. It was a strange thing to go from 'hey whats wrong, talk to me' to 'I cant even handle my own shit anymore, I cant deal with most of you anymore.' Granted, I learned a lot about myself in that time... at a cost. So does krup exist anymore. Barely.
The guy who used to say 'everybody should just wack off, theyd feel better.' Where did he go? Maybe he grew up, which sucks because I never really wanted to do that. Why would anybody? Growing up is no fun.
So I hear you asking, 'who makes the best spaghetti?' I dont know. Or maybe it was, do I regret what I have lost. Absolutely, but I dont know if I want it back. I am who I am now.
Now I also hear you saying, 'damn Ross, you've gone soft showing all this feeling type of stuff.' To that I say "Whatever! This is my journal, I do what I want! So suck on that betty crocker!" I have no idea what that means, Im tired and I think its about bed time. So maybe I just felt like writing my thoughts tonight. If you read this far maybe you were bored and felt like reading. In that case we both got something out of it. If nobody read this far then I only got something out of it, and thats not so bad. Maybe this is why nobody should listen to Meat Loaf, but then again its better than Bon Jovi.
Wow, I need to shut up now. Goodnight. EVERYBODY!
Short story for the rare few that have no idea what Im talking about. Almost 8 years ago, nin.com, message boards, needed user name, real name taken, out of my butt the name krup came to mind, used it.
So about 8 years later, Im not the same person anymore. I guess most people could say after 8 years the same thing, but I feel so different from then... I almost dont feel like that person existed. At the time, where I was, krup became more real than Ross did. Well I did end up spending more than half my day on-line by that name so... yeah.
Now vrs then. Im less angry, which is amazing. Maybe part of that just goes with age, A guy in their lower 20's might just be naturally more inclined to be an angry sob. Id like to think that is true, though Id admit Ive had somethings Ive had to work through. Im less trusting, by a huge degree, some of the causes of that did lead to some of my anger issues. After all that though, I came out ok, but having a hard time trusting in my fellow man. Im smarter, but after you make a million mistakes one would hope you learn something from it. Lonelier, mainly steaming from the whole trust problem. You tell half the people you know to fuck off and see how many will talk to you again.
Ive had a handful of meltdowns in the last couple years. You can only build up so much steam before it blows.. and while my old support group used to be on this great internet thingy, help me from time to time when I needed it. Ive got some of those types of friends that actually live in my area that have been invaluable. Funny thing is, some of them have been my oldest of friends. Of course Ive had to kick my own ass a couple of times into gear.. Anyway I dont want to sound ungrateful to some of the most important people Ive known in my life. Not that any of them will ever read this because Ive done a damn good job alienating myself from most, but I want to give a special thanks so Nanny, Melanie, Bell Bell, Claudia, Cat, Niina, my little Loopy friend, and really anybody else who listened to me rant from time to time or every other day. Most of you were there for me at times when I really needed it. Not to cheapen what Im saying any, but you'd all get gold stars.
So does krup exist anymore? Thats the real question. In a small way sure, he desired to be there for when any one of his friends needed somebody, or just have some fun. Regretfully there was a point when he couldnt do that anymore. It really was impossible, and that was about the time when I was facing some (as I like to call them) challenges. It was a strange thing to go from 'hey whats wrong, talk to me' to 'I cant even handle my own shit anymore, I cant deal with most of you anymore.' Granted, I learned a lot about myself in that time... at a cost. So does krup exist anymore. Barely.
The guy who used to say 'everybody should just wack off, theyd feel better.' Where did he go? Maybe he grew up, which sucks because I never really wanted to do that. Why would anybody? Growing up is no fun.
So I hear you asking, 'who makes the best spaghetti?' I dont know. Or maybe it was, do I regret what I have lost. Absolutely, but I dont know if I want it back. I am who I am now.
Now I also hear you saying, 'damn Ross, you've gone soft showing all this feeling type of stuff.' To that I say "Whatever! This is my journal, I do what I want! So suck on that betty crocker!" I have no idea what that means, Im tired and I think its about bed time. So maybe I just felt like writing my thoughts tonight. If you read this far maybe you were bored and felt like reading. In that case we both got something out of it. If nobody read this far then I only got something out of it, and thats not so bad. Maybe this is why nobody should listen to Meat Loaf, but then again its better than Bon Jovi.
Wow, I need to shut up now. Goodnight. EVERYBODY!