Just Rambling...
I guess I shoulda known she'd move on... I don't know why I'm so surprised... It's so funny that the more I work and the harder I try at life, I get closer to achieving what SHOULD be most important to me and I drift further away from what IS most important to me... I guess that doesn't make any sense... The closer I get to the fame, the money, the success and a balanced life, the further I seem to drift away from things like love, friends & my family...
I need the success, but I want my old life...
I'm happy and I'm proud of myself that in just a couple of years I'm back being involved with my daughters' lives, I'm pursuing my dreams, I've quit smoking cigarettes and I even have a job as a crossing guard which I actually enjoy because I like making sure that kids get to and from school safely...
I try very hard to be a good person and yet I still feel so low... I feel so unwanted and unloved... I have nobody to talk to and so when I'm upset I turn to my music or my journal, or now LiveJournal because to be honest, I'm DESPERATE for SOMEONE, ANYONE to know how I feel...
I believe I am in a state of depression, TRUE depression... People always ask me, "What ever happened to your smile? You used to smile a lot"... I don't know how to answer this question... I don't feel sad, I just don't really feel anything at all anymore, the only things I ever feel are anxious and complacent...
I'm torn between wanting success and wanting to give up at the same time... I fight every day to stay motivated and get out of bed to go to work, then go watch my daughter, then go back to work and then come home to work even more on making music and promoting my music and my shows...
I'm not really sure what the point of all of this is, I just needed to express it somewhere... I have to say that this is the first time I've ever expressed my feelings and problems and I did not come up with a definitive answer or path to take... I'm cool with that...
I need the success, but I want my old life...
I'm happy and I'm proud of myself that in just a couple of years I'm back being involved with my daughters' lives, I'm pursuing my dreams, I've quit smoking cigarettes and I even have a job as a crossing guard which I actually enjoy because I like making sure that kids get to and from school safely...
I try very hard to be a good person and yet I still feel so low... I feel so unwanted and unloved... I have nobody to talk to and so when I'm upset I turn to my music or my journal, or now LiveJournal because to be honest, I'm DESPERATE for SOMEONE, ANYONE to know how I feel...
I believe I am in a state of depression, TRUE depression... People always ask me, "What ever happened to your smile? You used to smile a lot"... I don't know how to answer this question... I don't feel sad, I just don't really feel anything at all anymore, the only things I ever feel are anxious and complacent...
I'm torn between wanting success and wanting to give up at the same time... I fight every day to stay motivated and get out of bed to go to work, then go watch my daughter, then go back to work and then come home to work even more on making music and promoting my music and my shows...
I'm not really sure what the point of all of this is, I just needed to express it somewhere... I have to say that this is the first time I've ever expressed my feelings and problems and I did not come up with a definitive answer or path to take... I'm cool with that...