Remember me when I'm gone, but don't forget that I'm still here.
I miss Darin.
I've talked to him once since I got kicked out of the Oxford house and he hasn't bothered to call since.
There was a big dramatic thing a few weeks ago when Patrick got me UA'd at my house and I knew Darin had something to do with it as well as Mark. I was pissed and I let him know. I was mostly just afraid of losing my friend. When all of it happened he apologized and hugged me and told me "we're friends in sobriety, not in using, i only told him to call because i do care." So I asked him if that meant I was gonna lose a friend if I fucked up. He told me I wouldn't. He assured me I wouldn't. I trusted those words cuz he was so important to me and I knew he wouldn't lie.
But where is he now?
Lincoln City's full of liars and thieves, but Darin was the one person I met who I really called a friend and meant it. When I was happy he laughed with me, we hung out, when I was crying he made me feel better, when I needed more than anything just to have someone near me who cared about me and who wasn't afraid to put his arm around me and show it, he was right there. If it weren't for him, I would never have sobered up or gotten a job. I'd be cracked out and homeless still, lookin for more dope, or maybe even in jail.
Darin may not have been the *only* one who could've helped me like that, but he was the one who *did*.
I didn't mean to fuck up again.. but even when I fucked up, at least it wasn't with drugs.
I understand he's doing really well. He's got a good job, and he's sober, he has an actual life, and I'm so fucking proud of him. I'm almost afraid to track him down and see him though cuz I'm *not* doing that well and I don't want to even chance bringing him back down into my world.
I just really miss my friend. I'm so tired of the guys around me- Soapy, Wes, Jose, Jesus, Baldo, Cdub, Raul, Juan, Hugo, Victor, and all the rest. I'm tired of them treating me like I'm special just long enough to fuck me and then not want to be near me. I never thought I'd say I'm tired of getting laid, but I am. It seems like almost every night I'm out drinking or something with one of those guys and everytime we chill and relax, they either try to or succeed in fucking me, and then wanna go home. I'm developing a conscience too. The fact that most of them have girlfriends and/or kids doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. They're all the same. Every. Single. One.
I miss my friend who stayed with me when I was at rock bottom, let me sleep on him when I was cold and sleeping in my car, and who could straight up tell me he didn't want to have sex, but kept holding me at the same time just to be a friend and to help me.
I'm sure there are other people who care about me just as much, if not more, but none who've been through all the shit with me, seen me at my very worst, stayed with me through it all, or had such a huge impact on me without wanting, needing, or trying to get anything out of me for himself. I guess maybe he just needed a friend to help him as much as I needed one to help me.
I feel like I'm rambling, and I probably am. I feel kind of stupid for writing all this too. Darin's just one more person who I smoked dope with, it doesn't seem like it makes sense to go on and on about the guy. But I'm going to anyway. A real friend means more to me than anything else in the world, whether I show it well enough or not. I just described a real friend. I keep going on about him because he's probably only ten miles away from me (if that) at almost any given time, but I can't seem to find him and he doesn't seem to care or notice. Just like the rest of them.
I don't want Darin to be a criminal, I don't want to smoke a bowl with him, and I don't need things to be like before.
I. just. miss. my. friend.
No matter how many times I type those five words, I don't think I can express just how much that hurts.
Maybe I really am as pathetic as I've felt while writing all of this. Maybe not.
Either way- I miss my friend, Darin, I feel like I've been forgotten, and that hurts more than anything has in a while. It's a thought that can make me cry no matter how hard I resist. I don't get it.