You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay.
Hi, I'm Sheila, and I am a FUCKING retard.
Why?
Fuck off.
On another note-
Mexicans hit on me a lot. But I don't speak Spanish so I don't know it half the time. Except they all look at me when they talk about me. Retards.
I have a date.
With Baldo.
Tomorrow.
Don't know when though. Ha, I forgot to ask before he got off work.
He doesn't speak English. That oughtta be interesting.
Eleazar has to translate for him the whole time we're talking. But he won't be there tomorrow.
hrm..
I almost got laid today. AND IT WASN'T BY A MEXICAN! But I didn't. And I really don't care. Thought it was worth mentioning though.
I think in short sentences. Much like the way I'm typing. Only I think about a lot of short sentences all the fucking time and at the same time and THEY WON'T FUCKING STOP.
Which is why I can't sleep a lot of the time.
And also why I'm not in bed right now.
I love to sleep, but I can never GET to sleep because I can't stop thinking about all these insignificant things that won't go away. I don't even know what they are most of the time because they come and go so fast and keep going. It pisses me off. I used to be able to call someone and talk to them until I was too tired to think anymore and maybe even fall asleep on the phone. That was okay with me cuz I could get to sleep and stay asleep. I expect tonight will be the sixth night in a row where it takes me over an hour to get to sleep and I wake up every hour after that. Fucking kill me.
I had a nightmare today. I took a nap after taking Darin to work and had an actual nightmare. I dream all the time and a lot of my dreams are violent and should probably be scary, but they're not. I actually fell asleep today and woke up scared. I NEVER have nightmares, EVER. MAYBE once a year or so, IF that often.
I dream in color, right? Well that REALLY doesn't help when I have a dream like I did today.
I was in some place that I don't recognize with some guy that wouldn't let me leave. There was someone there who is or was a friend of mine (I can't remember who it was), but he didn't care about the fact that I couldn't leave- he thought I SHOULD be kept there. It was someone's apartment. Then the guy who wouldn't let me leave took me to a mall or something like it (it was kind of a mix of PV mall and the outlet mall here, but bigger and a shitload nicer), and all I wanted to do was call my mom or somehow get away from him. I couldn't call my mom though because he was always watching me, no matter where I went or what I did. My mom had even called when I was at his apartment, but somehow I was lying on the stairs and couldn't get to the phone or speak in time to talk to her (they wouldn't let me)- the guy answered and told her he was keeping me safe and in a place where I'd stay sober for sure. She seemed happy to hear it and figured I was okay so she got off the phone. So when we were at the mall place I ended up getting away from him somehow and running around (I ended up in the same place twice, but I don't know if it was when I was running or what) to get back to my car without him seeing me. There was someone with me I knew- this time a girl- and she was as scared as I was. I finally got back to the parking lot where I thought my car was, but it wasn't there so I panicked.
I was half awake at this point and really was wracking my brain to remember where my car was because I was so scared. And then I fell back to sleep completely.
I finally got back to my car but couldn't find the money that I'd had (which was aparently important, but I don't know why) but then I found it and then I needed to find the keys but I couldn't and then I did but he'd been watching me the whole time I was running from him I just knew it and I knew he'd find me wherever I went and I was freakin out and thinkin about what Jay had told me (when I was actually awake talking to him like 5 days ago) about getting a stalking order from the cops but I knew he'd still find me and I didn't want him to keep me away from everyone or back in that apartment anymore and I was so fucking scared and nobody could help me and I didn't know what to do or where to go and I knew he'd find me soon if I didn't leave and BAM! I woke up. Still scared. And I can remember it all in color and it was so fucking vivid that it's still trippin me out..
Usually I dream and I remember it for a bit when I wake up but within a few hours I can only remember a little bit of it if any at all.
Sometimes I dream and I recognize where I'm at in the dream and IN the dream I know the people I'm with but when I wake up I don't know them. A lot of the time when that happens, I'll meet the people I dreamed about soon after, and soon after that I'll find myself in the place I dreamed about, doing what I dreamed about, WITH the people I dreamed about, exactly how I dreamed about it (I used to think I was just crazy, so I wrote down a really vivid dream like that as soon as I woke up one time and sure enough two weeks later I was doing what I dreamed about with the same people who I didn't know when I had the dream in the same place I had dreamed about).
I've never had a nightmare that happened. But this one was SO fucking real and I woke up with the same feeling that I do when I have those ones.. and I remember it just as well as those.. so I really am scared even though I know it's gotta be just some sort of paranoia or some shit. I know that when I was in the dream I was somewhere in Oregon, but I don't know where. And I'm just trippin the fuck out..
Anyway, I've been typing for about half an hour now, so I think I'll stop.
I'm fucking retarded..
Why?
Fuck off.
On another note-
Mexicans hit on me a lot. But I don't speak Spanish so I don't know it half the time. Except they all look at me when they talk about me. Retards.
I have a date.
With Baldo.
Tomorrow.
Don't know when though. Ha, I forgot to ask before he got off work.
He doesn't speak English. That oughtta be interesting.
Eleazar has to translate for him the whole time we're talking. But he won't be there tomorrow.
hrm..
I almost got laid today. AND IT WASN'T BY A MEXICAN! But I didn't. And I really don't care. Thought it was worth mentioning though.
I think in short sentences. Much like the way I'm typing. Only I think about a lot of short sentences all the fucking time and at the same time and THEY WON'T FUCKING STOP.
Which is why I can't sleep a lot of the time.
And also why I'm not in bed right now.
I love to sleep, but I can never GET to sleep because I can't stop thinking about all these insignificant things that won't go away. I don't even know what they are most of the time because they come and go so fast and keep going. It pisses me off. I used to be able to call someone and talk to them until I was too tired to think anymore and maybe even fall asleep on the phone. That was okay with me cuz I could get to sleep and stay asleep. I expect tonight will be the sixth night in a row where it takes me over an hour to get to sleep and I wake up every hour after that. Fucking kill me.
I had a nightmare today. I took a nap after taking Darin to work and had an actual nightmare. I dream all the time and a lot of my dreams are violent and should probably be scary, but they're not. I actually fell asleep today and woke up scared. I NEVER have nightmares, EVER. MAYBE once a year or so, IF that often.
I dream in color, right? Well that REALLY doesn't help when I have a dream like I did today.
I was in some place that I don't recognize with some guy that wouldn't let me leave. There was someone there who is or was a friend of mine (I can't remember who it was), but he didn't care about the fact that I couldn't leave- he thought I SHOULD be kept there. It was someone's apartment. Then the guy who wouldn't let me leave took me to a mall or something like it (it was kind of a mix of PV mall and the outlet mall here, but bigger and a shitload nicer), and all I wanted to do was call my mom or somehow get away from him. I couldn't call my mom though because he was always watching me, no matter where I went or what I did. My mom had even called when I was at his apartment, but somehow I was lying on the stairs and couldn't get to the phone or speak in time to talk to her (they wouldn't let me)- the guy answered and told her he was keeping me safe and in a place where I'd stay sober for sure. She seemed happy to hear it and figured I was okay so she got off the phone. So when we were at the mall place I ended up getting away from him somehow and running around (I ended up in the same place twice, but I don't know if it was when I was running or what) to get back to my car without him seeing me. There was someone with me I knew- this time a girl- and she was as scared as I was. I finally got back to the parking lot where I thought my car was, but it wasn't there so I panicked.
I was half awake at this point and really was wracking my brain to remember where my car was because I was so scared. And then I fell back to sleep completely.
I finally got back to my car but couldn't find the money that I'd had (which was aparently important, but I don't know why) but then I found it and then I needed to find the keys but I couldn't and then I did but he'd been watching me the whole time I was running from him I just knew it and I knew he'd find me wherever I went and I was freakin out and thinkin about what Jay had told me (when I was actually awake talking to him like 5 days ago) about getting a stalking order from the cops but I knew he'd still find me and I didn't want him to keep me away from everyone or back in that apartment anymore and I was so fucking scared and nobody could help me and I didn't know what to do or where to go and I knew he'd find me soon if I didn't leave and BAM! I woke up. Still scared. And I can remember it all in color and it was so fucking vivid that it's still trippin me out..
Usually I dream and I remember it for a bit when I wake up but within a few hours I can only remember a little bit of it if any at all.
Sometimes I dream and I recognize where I'm at in the dream and IN the dream I know the people I'm with but when I wake up I don't know them. A lot of the time when that happens, I'll meet the people I dreamed about soon after, and soon after that I'll find myself in the place I dreamed about, doing what I dreamed about, WITH the people I dreamed about, exactly how I dreamed about it (I used to think I was just crazy, so I wrote down a really vivid dream like that as soon as I woke up one time and sure enough two weeks later I was doing what I dreamed about with the same people who I didn't know when I had the dream in the same place I had dreamed about).
I've never had a nightmare that happened. But this one was SO fucking real and I woke up with the same feeling that I do when I have those ones.. and I remember it just as well as those.. so I really am scared even though I know it's gotta be just some sort of paranoia or some shit. I know that when I was in the dream I was somewhere in Oregon, but I don't know where. And I'm just trippin the fuck out..
Anyway, I've been typing for about half an hour now, so I think I'll stop.
I'm fucking retarded..