More Sienfeld and more life
Sh. and I have been talking recently about Seinfeld and Larry David. Their shows are about life, and one thinks - hey, those people just have such funny and exciting lives! Ours are so boring - how could we possibly write a funny show based on our own experiences? But then we thought - actually, they are not boring at all, and yes, of course we can. It is just a matter of noticing and remembering.
So, we are in New York, and both of us make plans to see our very old friends in Manhattan. Both of us found them on facebook. Sh. is meeting a friend from high-school she hasn't seen (or spoken to) since, well, high-school. I am meeting a guy who I only knew for one or two quarters in the 6th grade. He came up to Moscow from Kiev to stay with his grandfather after Chernobyl. We became friends, I really liked him. He was the only kid I ever met in school who was better than me in math. Then he went back, we spoke on the phone a couple of times (some of you might remember that phone calls between Moscow and Kiev did not use to be cheap). Last time he called, it was in order to say good bye: they were leaving. He didn't spell it out, but it was clear that they were not moving from KueB to XapbkoB. We lost touch. All my attempts to find him before facebook failed (well, as it turned out later, they didn't, I just couldn't imagine that it was him who I found.. But it is really "another story for another time").
In any case, we are on the way to the train station when Sh.'s sister A. (whom Sh. had left several messages before) finally calls back. "We will be home at 7", she says (it is 18:05). You can come in the meanwhile and stay with M. (Sh.'s niece - well, let's call her Malka, there is some history to this fake name -- a history of her writing a story at school about a little girl Malka who took very good care of her even littler brother Ya'acov, and many bed-time stories I have later told her about these two characters) while we are gone. We have to decide right now: the train is arriving at the station. I somehow smell disaster. There is too little time; and what if they don't actually come back at 7? And even if they do, we will hardly have half an hour to hang out with them before we have to leave for the station again, in order to run like crazy to D.'s (Sh.'s middle brother) apartment, leave our stuff, and then run like crazy to meet our friends. On the other hand, it is understandable that Sh. wants to see her sister, niece and nephew again before we actually leave (we are going to eventually take a direct bus from Manhattan to the airport).
Sh.'s little brother M., who drove us to the station, is torn himself. He doesn't really want to go see the kids right now. In fact, he is hungry. Hey, Sh. suddenly remembers, they must still have a lot of leftovers from lunch on rosh ha-shana! Hm, I think to myself, that food was good. Maybe it will work out after all. And even if not, what do I care. She is not my sister. And so it is decided.
We arrive at A.'s house 10 minutes later. Her husband (call him Leo) is busy trying to unclog the toilet and is very surprised to see us. Alright, he says, at least I can leave and you can watch the kids. He is obviously not up to socializing. No problem, we are not after his company, we are after his food. Leo, says M., where is the "deli-roll"? One must admit that Leo deals with the situation (which will become clear in a second) very elegantly. Clearly, he is a grown-up. "No idea, he says. Call A. and ask her". No problem. M. calls A. "Where is the deli-roll?, he asks". "Why?!" "We are in your house and I am hungry!" "You do know that today is a fast, don't you?!" "No, I didn't..." "Fine. she sighs. Do whatever you want. Since you have obviously already eaten... Whatever". She explains where the roll is. "Anything else?" "Well, we were also hoping..." "Fine..." She explains where everything else is. "I'll be home at 7. Watch the kids while Leo is gone". "Sure." Hmmmm. The situation is getting slightly embarrassing, I think to myself, but I at that point I am already starving, and really don't care. The content of their refrigerator moves to the counter with the speed of light.
We are trying to distract Sh.'s nephew, but he is no fool. He feels that his "aba" is preparing to leave, and while he is happy to play with his favorite uncle M. and watch his favorite cartoon with one eye, the other one is making sure that Leo is still around. When time comes for him to leave, the usual story - tears, crying, a scandal, until Leo has no choice but to take him with him. Alright - just failure number 2. Still not too bad. We're still watching Malka.
Once her aba is gone, Malka gets magically glued to the TV. We try to talk to her, but she is really very busy. Well, who cares. We are busy too. During the commercials break, she looks at us with curiosity. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaalex, she says, Are you fasting?". Hmmmmmm... "Does it look like I am fasting?", I ask, with my mouth full, juggling three different plates. "No...", she observes. "Then I guess I am not fasting?", I suggest. Uncle M. clearly feels somewhat bad about the situation and tries to explain: "Nobody told me that it was a fast today. And so I already ate, and now it doesn't matter". "People normally tell me when there is a fast, he goes on, chewing Because I myself don't remember. I mean, I usually know if it is yom kippur" [прим. автора: given that he lives with his parents, one shouldn't find this very surprising]. "But the other fasts - no way would I know. Unless somebody tells me..." But the commercials are over, and Malka are no longer interested in M.'s excuses.
"Are you watching your favorite cooking channel?", Sh. is trying to start a conversation with her niece. "No.", she says, without moving her head. "Why not? Do you want to watch it together?" "No, she says. I want to finish this show". We begin to realize that while we were worried how much she was disturbed by us breaking the fast, she is worried about something completely different: how much we are paying attention to what she is watching. And her main concern seems to be that her parents do not come back before the show is over (maybe this is why she keeps asking us what time it is?).
We become quite curious with what she is fascinated by so much. It is a fake "survival" teen-ager series. Attractive half-naked teen-agers are trying to survive on a deserted island. There is a conflict between two half-naked girls (as to how their little "commune" needs to be run), and a half-naked guy is forced to choose sides. Sexual tension can be cut with a knife, the one that one of the half-naked girls holds in her teeth.
Malka keeps watching the show, furtively glancing at us from time to time, to make sure that we don't realize that something here is not right. We are eating and pretend to not notice. After all, nobody's perfect.
Finally, it is 7, the show is over, and Malka switches to the cooking channel, visibly relieved. Her parents and her brother come home shortly afterwards, to only find their perfect daughter watching a cake-making competition and chatting with her "doda Sh." Everything seems alright, and we even have enough time to hang out with them and say good bye... But turns out that they are (surprise, surprise) really starving, and talking to us is the last thing on their minds.
"Hey!! - we hear a desperate cry from the kitchen Кто ел из моей мис Who ate my bagels??!! Those were my fast-breaking bagels!!"
"But I only had a quarter of...", Sh. is trying to explain
"Leo!! - shouts A. - We need to go shopping. There is nothing for me to eat!!"
"OK", says Leo, 100% calmly. Again, one has to admit: he handles the situation pretty well.
.....
Eventually, after everybody has finally found what to eat, A. and Leo become more sociable. "So, guys, what are you up to?", they turn to us. "Actually, we say, we really have to leave now. Nice seeing you guys again. Come on, M. Drive us to the train station" ...
So, we are in New York, and both of us make plans to see our very old friends in Manhattan. Both of us found them on facebook. Sh. is meeting a friend from high-school she hasn't seen (or spoken to) since, well, high-school. I am meeting a guy who I only knew for one or two quarters in the 6th grade. He came up to Moscow from Kiev to stay with his grandfather after Chernobyl. We became friends, I really liked him. He was the only kid I ever met in school who was better than me in math. Then he went back, we spoke on the phone a couple of times (some of you might remember that phone calls between Moscow and Kiev did not use to be cheap). Last time he called, it was in order to say good bye: they were leaving. He didn't spell it out, but it was clear that they were not moving from KueB to XapbkoB. We lost touch. All my attempts to find him before facebook failed (well, as it turned out later, they didn't, I just couldn't imagine that it was him who I found.. But it is really "another story for another time").
In any case, we are on the way to the train station when Sh.'s sister A. (whom Sh. had left several messages before) finally calls back. "We will be home at 7", she says (it is 18:05). You can come in the meanwhile and stay with M. (Sh.'s niece - well, let's call her Malka, there is some history to this fake name -- a history of her writing a story at school about a little girl Malka who took very good care of her even littler brother Ya'acov, and many bed-time stories I have later told her about these two characters) while we are gone. We have to decide right now: the train is arriving at the station. I somehow smell disaster. There is too little time; and what if they don't actually come back at 7? And even if they do, we will hardly have half an hour to hang out with them before we have to leave for the station again, in order to run like crazy to D.'s (Sh.'s middle brother) apartment, leave our stuff, and then run like crazy to meet our friends. On the other hand, it is understandable that Sh. wants to see her sister, niece and nephew again before we actually leave (we are going to eventually take a direct bus from Manhattan to the airport).
Sh.'s little brother M., who drove us to the station, is torn himself. He doesn't really want to go see the kids right now. In fact, he is hungry. Hey, Sh. suddenly remembers, they must still have a lot of leftovers from lunch on rosh ha-shana! Hm, I think to myself, that food was good. Maybe it will work out after all. And even if not, what do I care. She is not my sister. And so it is decided.
We arrive at A.'s house 10 minutes later. Her husband (call him Leo) is busy trying to unclog the toilet and is very surprised to see us. Alright, he says, at least I can leave and you can watch the kids. He is obviously not up to socializing. No problem, we are not after his company, we are after his food. Leo, says M., where is the "deli-roll"? One must admit that Leo deals with the situation (which will become clear in a second) very elegantly. Clearly, he is a grown-up. "No idea, he says. Call A. and ask her". No problem. M. calls A. "Where is the deli-roll?, he asks". "Why?!" "We are in your house and I am hungry!" "You do know that today is a fast, don't you?!" "No, I didn't..." "Fine. she sighs. Do whatever you want. Since you have obviously already eaten... Whatever". She explains where the roll is. "Anything else?" "Well, we were also hoping..." "Fine..." She explains where everything else is. "I'll be home at 7. Watch the kids while Leo is gone". "Sure." Hmmmm. The situation is getting slightly embarrassing, I think to myself, but I at that point I am already starving, and really don't care. The content of their refrigerator moves to the counter with the speed of light.
We are trying to distract Sh.'s nephew, but he is no fool. He feels that his "aba" is preparing to leave, and while he is happy to play with his favorite uncle M. and watch his favorite cartoon with one eye, the other one is making sure that Leo is still around. When time comes for him to leave, the usual story - tears, crying, a scandal, until Leo has no choice but to take him with him. Alright - just failure number 2. Still not too bad. We're still watching Malka.
Once her aba is gone, Malka gets magically glued to the TV. We try to talk to her, but she is really very busy. Well, who cares. We are busy too. During the commercials break, she looks at us with curiosity. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaalex, she says, Are you fasting?". Hmmmmmm... "Does it look like I am fasting?", I ask, with my mouth full, juggling three different plates. "No...", she observes. "Then I guess I am not fasting?", I suggest. Uncle M. clearly feels somewhat bad about the situation and tries to explain: "Nobody told me that it was a fast today. And so I already ate, and now it doesn't matter". "People normally tell me when there is a fast, he goes on, chewing Because I myself don't remember. I mean, I usually know if it is yom kippur" [прим. автора: given that he lives with his parents, one shouldn't find this very surprising]. "But the other fasts - no way would I know. Unless somebody tells me..." But the commercials are over, and Malka are no longer interested in M.'s excuses.
"Are you watching your favorite cooking channel?", Sh. is trying to start a conversation with her niece. "No.", she says, without moving her head. "Why not? Do you want to watch it together?" "No, she says. I want to finish this show". We begin to realize that while we were worried how much she was disturbed by us breaking the fast, she is worried about something completely different: how much we are paying attention to what she is watching. And her main concern seems to be that her parents do not come back before the show is over (maybe this is why she keeps asking us what time it is?).
We become quite curious with what she is fascinated by so much. It is a fake "survival" teen-ager series. Attractive half-naked teen-agers are trying to survive on a deserted island. There is a conflict between two half-naked girls (as to how their little "commune" needs to be run), and a half-naked guy is forced to choose sides. Sexual tension can be cut with a knife, the one that one of the half-naked girls holds in her teeth.
Malka keeps watching the show, furtively glancing at us from time to time, to make sure that we don't realize that something here is not right. We are eating and pretend to not notice. After all, nobody's perfect.
Finally, it is 7, the show is over, and Malka switches to the cooking channel, visibly relieved. Her parents and her brother come home shortly afterwards, to only find their perfect daughter watching a cake-making competition and chatting with her "doda Sh." Everything seems alright, and we even have enough time to hang out with them and say good bye... But turns out that they are (surprise, surprise) really starving, and talking to us is the last thing on their minds.
"Hey!! - we hear a desperate cry from the kitchen Кто ел из моей мис Who ate my bagels??!! Those were my fast-breaking bagels!!"
"But I only had a quarter of...", Sh. is trying to explain
"Leo!! - shouts A. - We need to go shopping. There is nothing for me to eat!!"
"OK", says Leo, 100% calmly. Again, one has to admit: he handles the situation pretty well.
.....
Eventually, after everybody has finally found what to eat, A. and Leo become more sociable. "So, guys, what are you up to?", they turn to us. "Actually, we say, we really have to leave now. Nice seeing you guys again. Come on, M. Drive us to the train station" ...