(no subject)
So the epic struggle between good and evil has officially ended.
For good.
No more battles, the war is over.
There were def some casualties...family, friends, and most importantly Einstein.
My heart wasn't one of them. (I say that with no amount of certainty however).
I'm waiting for the pain to really, REALLY hit.
Yes, it hurts. Four years...FOUR YEARS. That's not something you just get over (Is it?).
But...something else has me right now, and I'm completely and totally distracted by it.
A combination of several things made it easy for me to walk away (and yes, I was the one to walk away).
One thing I def didn't expect. But it makes me smile.
Except when my head goes somewhere I don't want it to.
I can't just be happy...because I'm too scared that if I just expect everything to work out, and be okay when (not if) it doesn't it'll really destroy me. So I hold on to those negative things, and stress myself out, and worry, no matter how good things are.
Stupid defense mechanisms. Stupid trust issues.
I hate him. So much, For doing this to me, I hate him.
-"You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." -MS
I feel like I missed out on so much these last two years. I so regret all those nights I begged him to stay with me even though he told me, straight out, I was such a terrible person and he didn't even love me.
I hate that I feel worthless, and insecure, and like I'll never be good enough for anyone.
Sometimes i wonder if I had some kind of faith I'd feel better.
And no, I don't mean god, or christianity necessarily...but something to get me through those tough nights.
Some to help me feel like I'm actually worth a damn, like my life does actually mean something.
I deserve to be here, deserve to be alive...
Hoprefully I can just throw myself into school and distract myself.
Pros: "this week," going to see 9 tomorrow, my roommate, my best friends.
Cons: behind on some reading, waiting, worrying, my dad.
>l0
For good.
No more battles, the war is over.
There were def some casualties...family, friends, and most importantly Einstein.
My heart wasn't one of them. (I say that with no amount of certainty however).
I'm waiting for the pain to really, REALLY hit.
Yes, it hurts. Four years...FOUR YEARS. That's not something you just get over (Is it?).
But...something else has me right now, and I'm completely and totally distracted by it.
A combination of several things made it easy for me to walk away (and yes, I was the one to walk away).
One thing I def didn't expect. But it makes me smile.
Except when my head goes somewhere I don't want it to.
I can't just be happy...because I'm too scared that if I just expect everything to work out, and be okay when (not if) it doesn't it'll really destroy me. So I hold on to those negative things, and stress myself out, and worry, no matter how good things are.
Stupid defense mechanisms. Stupid trust issues.
I hate him. So much, For doing this to me, I hate him.
-"You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." -MS
I feel like I missed out on so much these last two years. I so regret all those nights I begged him to stay with me even though he told me, straight out, I was such a terrible person and he didn't even love me.
I hate that I feel worthless, and insecure, and like I'll never be good enough for anyone.
Sometimes i wonder if I had some kind of faith I'd feel better.
And no, I don't mean god, or christianity necessarily...but something to get me through those tough nights.
Some to help me feel like I'm actually worth a damn, like my life does actually mean something.
I deserve to be here, deserve to be alive...
Hoprefully I can just throw myself into school and distract myself.
Pros: "this week," going to see 9 tomorrow, my roommate, my best friends.
Cons: behind on some reading, waiting, worrying, my dad.
>l0