Beyond all sadness comes the truth.
Have you ever had this feeling before?
Where you hear the most horrible, awful thing you could possibly imagine...and yet, you can't shed a single tear?
That's what I experienced tonight. This weird surge of emotion-less energy through my entire body. It felt like someone finally lifted the weight off my small shoulders. He finally said it.
He likes her, he thought of her often, he kissed her. Some answers I never wanted to ever hear, but I knew were always there. Why must I be so stubborn that I have to ask every single questions imaginable? My heart is in the right place, I want the truth....who doesn't?
I finally went through another and the final experience with Dominic and I wasn't alone. I was with my friend Steph L..no, not my orignal Stephy but someone who laughs at my jokes and understands me. I swear things really do happen for a reason. Believe in fate, God, destiny or whatever, ultimately you do have control over your life. All of the above just better your judgement on the choices.
Steph actually read me something in the book she was reading that made a lot of sense. The book described a picture of a human figure with 4 legs, no head (instead flowers and shrubbery) and in place of the heart, a smiley face. It said to keep grounded as if you had 4 legs instead of just 2, and to always think with your heart because ultimately, that's what you really want To be honest with you, I've really lost track of who I am as a person. I've met so many people that have reminded me of how cool and unique I used to be. Steph's roomate Sarah has the exact taste in music as I did years ago, when I was punk rock. haha It's been so long since I got excited over Less than Jake, NOFX and the Warped Tour.
I wrote on Caleb's facebook wall today and it felt so nice. I'm not really sure why I stopped keeping in contact with him. He was like my best friend on the team. We shared music, iPod earphones to listen to some new band I discovered on purevolume and even listened to comediens together. I just want him to know that I am so incredibly proud of him for all that he has accomplished. I can't believe he's going to college already.. WOW. I remember teaching him LD and giving pep chats before his first Varsity round.
I need to re-evaluate myself. Not that I'm lost, but I think that sometime in the process of dating Dominic, i forgot the parts of me that everyone else loved. I forgot about the dorkiness inside me that Anthony adored. I forgot about the quick wit that Brandon loved. And most of all, I forgot about the strength inside me that has never allowed a single person to step all over me.
Skating, writing, cooking, music, singing, dancing, painting, drawing, sports, politics...these were all things that were part of my life before I met Dominic...why did I hide it? That's where I made a mistake.
People make mistakes and people learn...like they say, Its not what problem you got yourself in, it's how you handle yourself throughout that matters.
I've really grown up the past few years: college, culinary school, bf's and jobs. All of it has shaped me to who I am now. I know exactly what I want for my career. Actually, I'm pretty damn good at what I do. :) Gloating is allowed right?
Somewhere in this world there is a person who was made just for me.
Someone who adores every inch of my soul and my heart.
Someone who is impressed with my impeccable Xmen knowledge and ability to make up my own terms for things.
Someone who can handle my stubborness.
Someone who will put me in my place when I'm wrong.
Someone who makes it ok to admit that I was wrong.
Someone who knows exactly how I like my eggs and my corned beef hash in the morning.
Someone who wants to explore every inch of this world.
Someone who appreciates that brilliance of a well-built sports stadium/arena.
Someone who knows why it's so awesome that they make a Java Chip LIGHT Frappaccino at Starbucks.
Someone who wants to see a football game at every single stadium in the U.S.
Someone who makes me feel beautiful without saying a single word.
Someone who calls back on time.
Someone that can love ME. Just ME...and all the details that I come with :)
I was told to find something that I used to love to do all the time...besides debate and competition...writing was the next thing.
So this is my new chapter for me.
My 21st birthday is coming so soon..I'll finally be a grown up.
I think I'm ready :)