so...
ive said things i shouldnt have, which always sucks. you think youre just trying to do something right, not for any particular outcome, but becuase it seems right at the time, or even inconsequential in the long run, and it backfires. also ive forgotten what it feels like to be in love. i miss it, pretty deperately. it used to be fickle and id feel it day to day at different times, or for a long time, but now its gone. its pretty empty now. either im doing something wrong now, or im just not doing whats right. i cant tell. not to mention the fact that im now surrounding myself with only two kinds of people now. those totally happy and those totally not. somehow the day to day getting by people ive eliminated from my life. i decided that now im gonna rattle off things i miss from the past years.
i miss long slow drives with shawn. i miss things the way they were last fall with casey. i miss lunches with monica last year. i miss rod and going to shows with him and getting drunk together(btw if you couldnt tell from my openness, im pretty tipsy now). i missgoing to summer concerts and coming back and talking about the funny shit that happened with ben. i miss waking up in the morning and thinking of one person, and then having that one person stay in my head all day. i miss my old job and swimming at work when it got hot. i miss visiting people i dont know and at the end of the night being able to call them my friend. i miss the freedom of college and how i never had to worry about anything my parents said. i miss long talks with my grandpa about how life just isnt life if you dont have passion about something. i miss the way my grandma used to look at me, and i could tell i was her favorite grandchild. i miss recess, even indoor recess where tom zajac and i would play checkers and he would always win, even tho i could beat everyone else in the class. i miss quiz bowl, and the good friends i left behind there, who even tho we seem to have seperated now, i would have taken a bullet for any one of them. i miss the way my mom looked at me before i let her down once and for all. i miss the great feeling i get wwhen someone else is proud of me. most of all, i miss having one person i can tell anything and theyll still love me. whether its a friend, girlfriend, whatever. and no person can designate themself that person. its about growth into each others personalities. im being emo as hell, but thats the beer helpin that out i guess.
i guess if ive recently disappointed you... think of this:
dont think of me for what i am, because im not sure i like who ive become.
please dont think of me for what ive done, because ive made my share of mistakes, and ill make many more.
love me, or at least remember me, for who u knew me as when you knew me best. because thats really the closest anybodys gonna get to me as to who i actually am inside. im sorry if ive let you all down. i feel the need to apologize for whatever reason. im ashamed of who i am now. i cant get past it, and circumstances wont let me start over from when i liked me best. ok now ill sleep. i need it.
i miss long slow drives with shawn. i miss things the way they were last fall with casey. i miss lunches with monica last year. i miss rod and going to shows with him and getting drunk together(btw if you couldnt tell from my openness, im pretty tipsy now). i missgoing to summer concerts and coming back and talking about the funny shit that happened with ben. i miss waking up in the morning and thinking of one person, and then having that one person stay in my head all day. i miss my old job and swimming at work when it got hot. i miss visiting people i dont know and at the end of the night being able to call them my friend. i miss the freedom of college and how i never had to worry about anything my parents said. i miss long talks with my grandpa about how life just isnt life if you dont have passion about something. i miss the way my grandma used to look at me, and i could tell i was her favorite grandchild. i miss recess, even indoor recess where tom zajac and i would play checkers and he would always win, even tho i could beat everyone else in the class. i miss quiz bowl, and the good friends i left behind there, who even tho we seem to have seperated now, i would have taken a bullet for any one of them. i miss the way my mom looked at me before i let her down once and for all. i miss the great feeling i get wwhen someone else is proud of me. most of all, i miss having one person i can tell anything and theyll still love me. whether its a friend, girlfriend, whatever. and no person can designate themself that person. its about growth into each others personalities. im being emo as hell, but thats the beer helpin that out i guess.
i guess if ive recently disappointed you... think of this:
dont think of me for what i am, because im not sure i like who ive become.
please dont think of me for what ive done, because ive made my share of mistakes, and ill make many more.
love me, or at least remember me, for who u knew me as when you knew me best. because thats really the closest anybodys gonna get to me as to who i actually am inside. im sorry if ive let you all down. i feel the need to apologize for whatever reason. im ashamed of who i am now. i cant get past it, and circumstances wont let me start over from when i liked me best. ok now ill sleep. i need it.