amputations
i am officially in the most contemplative mood right now it's almost insane.
I'm in complete shock that in a little less than two weeks I'm going to be walking across a stage that I've only imagined for the past 18 years. It's so FUCKING insane to think that, high school, what has consumed my life for so long, is over. The friendships, the relationships, the fights, the love, the hatred, the jealousy... everything.
Life seems like it flew by, but at the same time i feel stuck in quicksand, like nothing seems to come fast enough, nothing is being accomplished.
I'm scared out of my mind about my future. I'm scared I'll never find some one that i want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm scared that I will never enjoy a career, I'm scared about everything that is going to come at me as soon as i get handed my diploma.
But at the same time i feel none of this contemplation matters. I know nothing in my life is really going to change once high school is over but I'd like to hope that it will.
I'd like to think that something in these 18 years has prepared me for living on my own.
I'd like to think that life might be just a little different once i leave high school behind me.
I don't know what I'm getting at, but I feel that right now.. I'm not in control of my life. I'm not in control of my feelings, emotions. Nothing.
I want to know what it's like to live outside of el dorado county but I'm deathly afraid i won't know what that is like for awhile.
I hate not knowing what is in front of me, how this is all going to turn out. I hate the feeling of confusion and self doubt and it's all i'm really consumed with right now.
I want to know what the reason was for all the pain i went through so young. I want to know what the point was to go through the daily shit. I don't buy the "it makes you stronger" bullshit. Sadly it only makes me bitter. I've learned to be bitter since i come to the realization that my child hood dream of being a ballet dancer was going to be ripped away by a judgmental society that only chooses perfection.
I know realize, I'm such a bitter person, and i have good reason, but FUCK THAT
fuck everything that has happened in my life that went to shit.
this is it, i'm moving on and nobody is fucking going to stop me.
I'm in complete shock that in a little less than two weeks I'm going to be walking across a stage that I've only imagined for the past 18 years. It's so FUCKING insane to think that, high school, what has consumed my life for so long, is over. The friendships, the relationships, the fights, the love, the hatred, the jealousy... everything.
Life seems like it flew by, but at the same time i feel stuck in quicksand, like nothing seems to come fast enough, nothing is being accomplished.
I'm scared out of my mind about my future. I'm scared I'll never find some one that i want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm scared that I will never enjoy a career, I'm scared about everything that is going to come at me as soon as i get handed my diploma.
But at the same time i feel none of this contemplation matters. I know nothing in my life is really going to change once high school is over but I'd like to hope that it will.
I'd like to think that something in these 18 years has prepared me for living on my own.
I'd like to think that life might be just a little different once i leave high school behind me.
I don't know what I'm getting at, but I feel that right now.. I'm not in control of my life. I'm not in control of my feelings, emotions. Nothing.
I want to know what it's like to live outside of el dorado county but I'm deathly afraid i won't know what that is like for awhile.
I hate not knowing what is in front of me, how this is all going to turn out. I hate the feeling of confusion and self doubt and it's all i'm really consumed with right now.
I want to know what the reason was for all the pain i went through so young. I want to know what the point was to go through the daily shit. I don't buy the "it makes you stronger" bullshit. Sadly it only makes me bitter. I've learned to be bitter since i come to the realization that my child hood dream of being a ballet dancer was going to be ripped away by a judgmental society that only chooses perfection.
I know realize, I'm such a bitter person, and i have good reason, but FUCK THAT
fuck everything that has happened in my life that went to shit.
this is it, i'm moving on and nobody is fucking going to stop me.