(Don't Fear) The Reaper
There's a very unique sort of depression that comes from looking in on a fancy club or restaurant and wanting so badly to be there. I know I use riddles, parallels, and hidden meanings a lot, but I do that for a reason - I hope to inspire greater thinking and presence of mind in those around me and whoever I happen to meet. Back to my story…
I've thus far been privy to two pregnancies - one of a friend who recently gave birth, and the other is to my sister. My experience and talents being what they are, I made two predictions, one to each mother-to-be. The first was was correct; the friend of mine had a boy. The second is yet to be determined, but I'm confident of how it'll play out. …Vaguely. As happy as I should be for them, there is one thing that weighs more heavily on my mind.
As many know, I've been deeply involved with a certain special someone who doesn't live near me for the last three years. (I've met her in person, too, so stuff that in your pipe and smoke it) I've not been able to see her again for a while and the strain of that has taken us to the breaking point more often than should happen. After seeing those two play out, I find myself to be annoyed and disappointed with myself… and jealous. I've been with the woman I love for almost four years and already two relationships around me have spawned offspring and I still have nothing. The fact that such is my fault entirely isn't lost to me and I know that I've taken longer than I should in doing what I need to for that to bring the two of us together. It doesn't ease the fact that everyone else has it and I don't. I also realize that I'm in no position to be a father yet; I'm not sure I'll ever be, but there is financial readiness I should have but don't. I still want to have that worry, that "what the fuck am I going to do now" roasting the back of my skull like my sister and her fiancé have.
Therein lies the parallel. Think of a cold winter night - the snow, the sleet, the biting winds - and you pass a classy nightclub or whatever and you happen to spot one or some of your friends talking and laughing at a table behind a window. They see you and wave and you try to reciprocate with equal ebullience, but all you can do is fake it because you know what it takes to get in and you don't have it. So, you salute them as cheerfully as you can manage before you go back to plugging along like you always do. I know that was a huge rant, but that's all you need to do, sometimes.
Now that I look at it, this is a far cry from the old me that first started this journal; the whiny, insecure anti-socialite who's biggest problems were finding a better job and losing friends left and right. My practice has helped me unleash a lot of the things I could be and reign in what held me back, and I'm ever thankful for the wonderful person who chose me. I digress; the constant nagging in my head has me trying to pull a loaded semi trailer in bare feet on hot pavement. It appears I'm the only one responsible strictly for my failures. (consider that last statement carefully) Sooner or later, I'll be able to fix all that for good and bring new problems in their wake. Goody. Maybe if I did some actual exercise instead of the worst workout I get being my constant dodging of reality…
I've thus far been privy to two pregnancies - one of a friend who recently gave birth, and the other is to my sister. My experience and talents being what they are, I made two predictions, one to each mother-to-be. The first was was correct; the friend of mine had a boy. The second is yet to be determined, but I'm confident of how it'll play out. …Vaguely. As happy as I should be for them, there is one thing that weighs more heavily on my mind.
As many know, I've been deeply involved with a certain special someone who doesn't live near me for the last three years. (I've met her in person, too, so stuff that in your pipe and smoke it) I've not been able to see her again for a while and the strain of that has taken us to the breaking point more often than should happen. After seeing those two play out, I find myself to be annoyed and disappointed with myself… and jealous. I've been with the woman I love for almost four years and already two relationships around me have spawned offspring and I still have nothing. The fact that such is my fault entirely isn't lost to me and I know that I've taken longer than I should in doing what I need to for that to bring the two of us together. It doesn't ease the fact that everyone else has it and I don't. I also realize that I'm in no position to be a father yet; I'm not sure I'll ever be, but there is financial readiness I should have but don't. I still want to have that worry, that "what the fuck am I going to do now" roasting the back of my skull like my sister and her fiancé have.
Therein lies the parallel. Think of a cold winter night - the snow, the sleet, the biting winds - and you pass a classy nightclub or whatever and you happen to spot one or some of your friends talking and laughing at a table behind a window. They see you and wave and you try to reciprocate with equal ebullience, but all you can do is fake it because you know what it takes to get in and you don't have it. So, you salute them as cheerfully as you can manage before you go back to plugging along like you always do. I know that was a huge rant, but that's all you need to do, sometimes.
Now that I look at it, this is a far cry from the old me that first started this journal; the whiny, insecure anti-socialite who's biggest problems were finding a better job and losing friends left and right. My practice has helped me unleash a lot of the things I could be and reign in what held me back, and I'm ever thankful for the wonderful person who chose me. I digress; the constant nagging in my head has me trying to pull a loaded semi trailer in bare feet on hot pavement. It appears I'm the only one responsible strictly for my failures. (consider that last statement carefully) Sooner or later, I'll be able to fix all that for good and bring new problems in their wake. Goody. Maybe if I did some actual exercise instead of the worst workout I get being my constant dodging of reality…