"I'm an inconsiderate prick!! Gahh"
It seems I have a lot more to learn about being in a relationship than I thought. I'm somewhat more selfish than I believe myself to be and that has to change (not 'could stand to', has to; as in must) if I'm to have half the chance I want at being in a happy and successful marriage. Part of the problem lies in my near constant heaping of blame upon myself when trouble arises; another part is that I go all 'pity-party-woe-is-me' in cases like that. Then, there are the grudges I still hold - my mom, my sister, and a little toward my dad. Why do I hang on to these? Better yet, why do I nearly always self-depricate in the face of defeat? Nonetheless, it has poisoned my heart - I actually now have the ability to rid myself of some of that when I genuinely cry - and kept me bitter when I should be nothing but happy and grateful for the graces I've been given. Perhaps the pain I carry makes me who I am, in a way; it's one of my greatest sources, if not the greatest, of inspiration for music, stories and poetry. I mean, it hardly runs like Niagra from me, but I do my best to sate the urge to write when it comes. I love my fiancé more than anything else in the world, but I would do well to show it more often, in more ways and more readily. But, these are not changes I'm being forced to make by someone else; I want to do this because I want to be with her forever. I've never wanted that with anyone else. Sometimes though, when you focus so hard on letting yourself out of prison, you forget about the others you caged. That poisons you, too. But, it's been two years since I started this journal, almost two years since I met the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world, and only a few days since we promised ourselves to each other. Since it is Autumn, I think I'm due to turn over some new leaves. I'm a Cancer, for cripe's sake; I shouldn't be so bitter and sullen…