I Still Miss You
I Still Miss You
“Choi Shiwon of Super Junior Diagnosed with Lung Cancer.”
Kibum will never forget the day he had read those heart wrenching headlines, or even worse when he had heard the confirming words form Shiwon’s own lips.
Shiwon had just returned from China, where he had been working with Super Junior M, when the symptoms first appeared. Morning sickness, increased appetite, fatigue, all effects that went along with pregnancy. Confused he had gone to his doctor who had in turn sent him to the hospital that exact day. And by the next day all of South Korea had heard ‘teen idol struck with life threatening disease.’
Kibum himself had gone through and abundance of emotions upon hearing those words. Panic at first quickly to be replaced by rage, fear, sorrow, and maybe a bit more fear.
A meeting had been called on Shiwon’s account in order for the group to understand the gravity of the situation. All thirteen members of super junior, joined by the two sub group members Zhou mi and Henry, congregated. They all crowded into the small hospital room with heavy hearts and open ears.
“It’s true, I have lung cancer.” He spoke the words everyone was fearing.
A quick glance around the room told Kibum that every one else shared his feelings. A few members were in tears already, most seeking comfort from each other. Their leader and oldest member Leeteuk let out a choking noise before Kangin rapped and arm around him to comfort the distressed leader.
“They give me three months.” Shiwon said in a happy tone that cut through Kibum like a chef knife through softened butter. “And with Chemo hopefully…” he continued leaving everyone with something to think about. Kibum watched carefully as Shiwon’s façade faltered for a second. Biting tears worked behind his eyes but he held them back refusing to let himself cry.
Each member’s reaction was all different but all of them held the same emotion of sorrow. Ryeowook was sobbing none to silently while a glassy eyed Yesung rubbing his back. Henry had his face buried into a tearing Zhou Mi’s chest. Donghae’s face was in his hands his forehead resting on Eunhyuk’s back. Eunhyuk looked halfway to tears but was also holding back. Hankyung had silent tears trailing down his face holding onto Heechul’s hand as if needing something for support. Heechul was biting his lip his face almost blank except for an underlying hint of sadness. Kyuhyun was much like Hankyung with silent tears and a sobbing Sungmin cuddling into his chest.
“Don’t cry guys.” Shiwon tried to encourage directing it mostly to Ryeowook and Sungmin. “Jesus has the answer, he knows what he’s doing.” He said with a certainty that Kibum envied.
“How can you say that.” Heechul snapped breaking out of his trance. “God, the one you speak so highly of did this to you for some part of a greater plan? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard .” he said angrily.
Shiwon smiled sadly. “I know it doesn’t make much sense and you’ve never truly beli-“
“Never truly believed in god? Damn straight, why would you want to worship someone who would set something like cancer on you to benefit himself.” He said bitterly.
“Heechul.” Hankyung reprimanded through streaming tears, shutting him up instantly along with all the glares of the others.
To them what he had said seemed harsh and uncalled for, but Kibum found himself agreeing at the time.
After the first day the hospital had complained and forced Kibum to write up a schedule for the members like he had done for Heechul and Kyuhyun not so long ago. But unlike the last two times he made sure to schedule himself whenever he was free of preoccupations.
Then Shiwon started chemo. Any recovering cancer patient that had gone through this treatment would tell you that during the first few week you would wish for death. From what Kibum had observed from Shiwon, and he had observed a lot, they all had valid reasoning.
After the second day he had increased his time with Shiwon, so that he wouldn’t be alone when he had the reoccurring urge to rid himself the contents of his stomach, namely stomach acid.
When he was in better condition they would hold light conversations about simple things such as sports, dramas, weather, and music. Shiwon had even found himself falling in love with a English Christian rock band.
They went by the name of Hawk Nelson, and despite the fact that he spoke little English and couldn’t fully understand their words, he fully enjoyed it. He’d often ask Kibum to translate some of it.
No matter how hard the chemo hit him, Kibum never once saw a frown on his Hyung’s face, even after he had emptied yet another meal of disgusting hospital food back into the toilet, or when the first clump of his gorgeous hair fell out.
He would always laugh it off saying things like, “hospital food always finds a way to retaliate.” Or, “hope I look better bald than Kangin does.”
Kibum wasn’t sure where Shiwon found the strength to smile because he was exhausting himself just trying to keep a frown off of his face.
After about the third day Shiwon’s nights took a turn for the worse, and he had asked for someone to remain with him during the now difficult times. Kibum had willingly filled this position not fully understanding at the time why he wanted to be so close to his hyung©.
At night it was agony for him to watch on as Shiwon thrashed about in a cold sweat, but it was even more painful thinking of him going through with it alone. He couldn’t imagine leaving the delicate man before him.
Their conversations began to grow deeper and Kibum felt an attachment that should have scared him. He had grown closer to his hyung in the last couple of days than he had in the three years they had been in super junior together.
Shiwon would often bring up religion into their conversations and it never ceased to amaze him how much Shiwon trusted in his god to do what was best for him.
Having been uneducated in his religion he was able to pose many questions that his hyung happily answered for him smiling all the while.
He couldn’t tell you when he realized it, whether it was the first day he had told them he was dying or the first night he had spent with him just watching on helplessly as Shiwon slept violently thrashing about in pain looking so broken and fragile, but he had fallen in love with his sick friend. It scared him half to death the day he had realized it was more than just brotherly love and he was helpless to stop himself falling even further every moment he stayed with the broken man.
After the first few nights of his friend’s anguish he had forced himself to endure he had silently decided it better for them both if he took a few nights off. Both Shiwon and Leeteuk noticing Kibum’s exhaustion encouraged this and Happily Leeteuk fulfilled his place. He left him for the first night in a while with the hopes of actually getting some well-deserved sleep at home.
He just couldn’t do it he lay awake all night tired beyond belief. He didn’t move just laid there for hours thinking of the person he should have been with at that exact moment.
In the end Leeteuk only ever spent one night with Shiwon.
Kibum’s schedule quickly centered itself around the frail man in the hospital. He would leave Shiwon after he had woken up at nine in the morning, go home, shower, change, go to his drama, then take dinner back to Shiwon and stay until the next morning where the cycle would restart itself. If the other members noticed anything off about this pattern they said nothing of it. But he was constantly being asked if he was okay and he found it beyond annoyance simply because he obviously wasn’t. He was falling in love with a man who was almost quite literally on his deathbed, and he had no power to stop any of it. He had never allowed himself to cry though; he forced himself to remain strong for Shiwon’s sake.
It got better for a while, there was even some talk of discharging him. Kibum asked him what he would like to do if he was released. Shiwon had smiled slightly and told him it was a secret. This had hurt him for some reason. Maybe for the fact he wanted to make it happen, or possibly because subconsciously he knew it wouldn’t.
Either way the doctors had described Shiwon’s peace period as the quiet before the storm. And sure enough in another week he was worse off than when he had started his treatments. Things had gotten so bad that Kibum had called in on his drama three times that week, which only resulted in making Shiwon worry about him.
Kibum continued to hold conversations with him in between his symptoms. This only managed to bring Kibum even more dangerously close the condemned man. Their once deep conversations had lightened considerably. They would chat about subjects like weather, and the Olympics being hosted in Beijing, but no matter what Shiwon’s favorite subject remained religion. He would ask Kibum to read from the bible to him with those adorable pleading eyes and frail smile that made it impossible for him to deny.
Shiwon’s ability to remain himself throughout the whole ordeal amazed Kibum. He remained his happy clingy self if ever Kibum made it near enough for him to touch.
After the first week of Shiwon’s decline he put his drama on a temporary leave in hopes of being able to spend as much time as possible with the man he had accidentally fallen for.
Not even two days after Kibum had made his decision Shiwon’s condition took another turn for the worse. Now instead of his single IV drip he had three and only left his bed for an occasional bathroom break, and he slept a lot less. Three days they both spent like that Kibum never leaving for fear of what he might return to.
On the third day they received an announcement from the doctor. “His lungs are going into a form of shock, the only way to save him now is through a surgery with a 35% success rate.” He said bluntly.
Shiwon’s face never changed from his calm acceptance but Kibum struggled to hold onto his composure. “And without the surgery?” he asked not really wanting to hear the answer but none the less unable to stop himself from asking the question.
“He’ll have a 5% chance to see next week.” He told them both solemnly and left to give them both time to think it over. Kibum sat in the uncomfortable silence trying to fight to keep the tears back and not break down in front of him.
“Well…” Shiwon said breaking the silence after a moment. “I guess I have no choice.” Kibum’s breath hitched and he reached out to grab Shiwon’s hand needing something real to keep him there. Shiwon said nothing just smiled at him with his usual bright smile that had the effect of a jackhammer boring into his very soul.
Kibum stayed silent when the doctor came in again or when Shiwon told him he would chance the surgery. He was to busy holding onto Shiwon’s hand and running statistics through his head. The numbers he was coming up with weren’t pleasing.
The doctor left once more and Shiwon let out a sigh. “Sometimes I wish I knew what he was thinking…”
Kibum looked up from his lap storing the numbers away for later times. “Who?” he managed to ask keeping his voice as even as possible.
“God.” Was his one word answer as he turned to Kibum his smile still bright as ever. “It seems really silly now but do you remember when you asked me what I wanted to do if I was released. Kibum nodded not trusting his voice. “Well honestly I wanted to see one last sunset you know.” He said smiling almost wistfully.
Kibum blinked back a fresh set of tears that’s all he wanted a sunset. Well then god help him he’d do it. He would fulfill his loves dying wish.
Carefully collecting himself he stood up and walked to the door ignoring Shiwon’s questions as to what he was doing. He walked out the door and into the hallway seeing a nurse leaning against the doorframe tears in her eyes. He meet her watering brown eyes and gave her a pleading look. She nodded and shuffled off returning moments later with a hospital wheel chair and handed it over with no questions. He nodded thanking her and took the wheel chair back into the room maneuvering it to Shiwon’s side.
“What’s that for?” he asked eyeing it as if it were venomous.
“We’re going to see ourselves a sunset.” He told him firmly pushing down the rail on the side of the hospital bed allowing himself better access to Shiwon. He sat up a look of determination now in place and took Kibum’s hand using him for help. Lowering himself carefully into the chair, his IV’s had been removed for the time being.
No one stopped them as he wheeled him out of the hospital, and they both ignored the glances from the people on the streets as he wheeled him around the block to a park near by.
He found a spot under a tall strong looking oak and that is where they remained. The sun was a quarter of the way down and Shiwon leaned his head back to rest on Kibum’s chest who instinctively moved forward to make himself a better pillow.
They watched on together as the sky faded from blue to pink and then orange, the sun hiding behind a few scattered trees. Shiwon sighed and muttered something Kibum didn’t make out and he leaned his head closer to try and hear.
Shiwon smiled confidently at him “I said there was a second part to my wish.” Kibum turned to look his Hyung in the eyes hoping he wouldn’t have to push him to find out what it was.
“You’re my last wish.” He told him quietly moving forward a fraction of an inch to bring their lips together. Kibum remained stunned for a second whatever he had been expecting this wasn’t it. Coming about his senses he reacted instinctually and applied a small amount of pressure back raping his arms around the larger boy’s shoulders.
He was weak, Kibum was able to tell by the way he kissed him that this was less than half of the strength this man had once possessed. And that thought almost brought him to tears as Shiwon pulled away smiling his usual wining smile. “Thank you… for everything.” He told him before going in for a second kiss.
When they returned to the hospital a little bit later all of the other members had once again congregated in his now seemingly tiny hospital room. Shiwon placed a comforting hand over Kibum’s as he wheeled him into the room.
The meeting was as tearful as the first. Shiwon told them what the doctor had said and Kibum was positive that if it wasn’t for the hand Shiwon still held protectively he would have broken down just like the others. Shiwon assured them once again that everything would be okay and that he wasn’t scared. The others nodded not fully believing like Shiwon did but for their hyung’s sake they pretended to.
When the nurse came in and told them that visiting hours had ended they all said their tearful goodbyes for what they all feared would be the last time.
Only Kibum was left. Shiwon had never let go of his hand through the entire meeting and now he used it to weakly pull him closer.
Kibum kept replaying Shiwon’s words in his head as he sat on the side of the bed wrapping his arms around his fragile friend, holding him in a protective embrace. He wished for the same certainty Shiwon possessed and couldn’t help himself from asking a question that had been bugging him for some time now. “Shiwon, how can you be so sure that he’ll save you?”
Shiwon smiled in his arms and Kibum wanted to know where he found the strength because he didn’t have it at the moment.
“I don’t.” he said simply. “But what I know is that he’ll do what’s right.”
“But how?” he pleaded wanting to know Shiwon’s secret more than he can remember ever wanting to know anything.
“Well he gave me you.”
Those five words unwove every fiber he had threaded together and he faltered. Shiwon looked over at him and frowned for the first time since he had been admitted to the hospital. “You’re crying…” he said sadly reaching up to wipe away a few tears that he hadn’t even realized he’d let go. “Did I say something wrong? I know I’m being selfish and-“ his thought was cut off by a pair of lips that descended on his reassuring him slightly.
That last night Shiwon spent in Kibum’s protective hold while Kibum just watched him. He had finally fallen asleep somewhere around three and awoke again to Shiwon’s bright smile. Not even five minutes later the nurse had come in to retrieve him for surgery and Kibum was forced to get out of the bed. Shiwon kissed him reassuringly on the cheek whispering thanks once again. He shoved a note into his hand before they wheeled him out of the room leaving Kibum alone in the familiar room that still smelt like him.
The moment he had left the tears came once again and this time he didn’t fight them, he wasn’t even sure he could. No one bothered him they left him alone to sit in the chair that he often occupied while talking to Shiwon. His tears came faster and faster as his eyes scanned over the room that held so many memories of conversations and other things that kept replaying in his head.
After about an hour he composed himself long enough to unfold the note Shiwon had given to him with trembling fingers. He read the familiar neat handwriting of the man he had fallen in love with only to have him ripped away from him. He heard his voice in his head read aloud the words he had written not long ago.
Kibum,
If this is the last you hear from me, I want you to know that I loved you. Thank you for everything you have done for me. If these were my last weeks please know that you made them the best weeks of my life. Thank you again for all the time you spent with me, remember that Jesus has the answer and he’s bigger than the cancer in me. And always remember that I loved you!
Tucked in the note was a CD in a paper case. He took Shiwon’s disk man from the table he had left it on trying to see through blurred vision as he placed the headphones on his ears and the disk in the player. Number twelve was highlighted on the back so he flipped the player to the last track and listened on as the familiar group played in his ear, a song he had never heard before. It started out slow and he listened intently as they started singing almost as if directly to him.
“There she was, 5'3 a picture of my mother's mother
She showed me love, and all the ways of God
Her final days were spent in bed where she passed away
I won't forget her smiling face when she left us that night
But I still miss you
All the times we spent together
To hear you talk about the weather
I always prayed you'd get well soon
I wish my prayers came true
I know Jesus has the answer
And He's way bigger than the cancer in you
But I still miss you
If dreams came true, just one more chance to talk to you
And thank you for the time you spent teaching me the truth
A boy back then, I've grown up, now I'm a man
I can finally understand the things you said to me
But I still miss you
All the times we spent together
To hear you talk about the weather
I always prayed you'd get well soon
I wish my prayers came true
I know Jesus has the answer
And He's way bigger than the cancer in you
But I still miss you
I need some help to carry on
I need some strength to keep me strong...”
Tears that were becoming uncomfortably familiar to him now fell from his eyes like waterfalls. He slouched out of the chair and onto the floor as the music cut off.
For the first time in his adult life he folded his hands like he’d been taught as a child and prayed aloud in a choked voice.
“I’m not entirely sure how this works…” he started shakily to the empty room. “Shiwon may be ready to move on but I’m not, please. I still need his strength to keep me moving on… Don’t let us end up like that song, please!”
He never left the hospital and after five hours Shiwon had made it out of surgery. But the real test was to see if he would regain consciousness. During that week he never once left his bedside. The other members came to visit sporadically most of them urging him to go home and get some sleep. He refused countless times. Hankyung would bring him changes of clothes and what not and the others simply settled for trying to comfort him.
The doctors encouraged him that talking to a patient was proven to help. At first it had been awkward, but he quickly got over that and instead of talking to god like Shiwon had urged him to do he talked to Shiwon. His own personal savior. It soon became natural to him, and almost a sort of addiction. He would create one-sided conversations about similar topics. Tell him what was going on in Seoul and that Michael Phelps had won yet another gold metal for the USA, he even dipped a bit into politics.
By the end of an uneventful week the doctors were not hopeful. They explained to him that if he didn’t start breathing on his own by the next morning they would have to cut off his support.
He had managed to wait until they left to break down. His eyes traveled sadly across his friend’s lifeless body filled with IV’s and tubes of all sorts. He let out a loud choked sob not really caring if anyone heard anymore. The time for calm collective Kibum was long over. He no longer had to be strong for Shiwon, because Shiwon was no longer there for him to be strong for.
This was the man who had showed him love in every way he’d needed. His mind returned to Shiwon’s last note and the already biting tear came just a little bit faster. He would never be able to forget his friend smiling face or his final wish that he had been lucky enough to fulfill. All the times they had spent together would forever be ingrained into his memory and he would forever be left with what had been the few best weeks of his life.
He carefully crawled into bed with Shiwon one last time avoiding tubes and IV’s left and right curling up safely into his lover’s statuesque chest. He closed his eyes burring his face into his friends warm chest, and fell once more into his new addictive habit speaking aloud through broken sob. “I-if dreams c-came true… j-just one m-more ch-chance to talk to you, that is my wish…my prayer… E-even just long e-enough to thank you…I just wish…pray…”
“Didn’t I tell you Jesus has the answers.” Kibum jumped slightly somehow managing not to jostle any of the tubes as he looked up to see a tired looking smile on his savior’s face. “Y-you’re back.” He choked unable to stop the new set of sobs that overtook him. He felt a weak arm wrap around him and he managed a smile through heart wrenching sobs.
“I guess my time wasn’t now.” He said in a strained out of practice voice.
Kibum slowed his sobs long enough to say “I’m glad I wasn’t ready for you to leave me, not yet anyway.” Shiwon laughed weakly instantly warming Kibum’s cold heart.
Later people tried to come up with reasons as to why Shiwon had made it though. Many say it was the doctors others that he was just a strong person. Donghae had even said that it was aliens that had helped in his recovery. All except Donghae had even made some sense, but Kibum knew that the true reason was that He simply wasn’t ready for it. Maybe Shiwon wasn’t as crazy as Heechul accused him of being. Maybe Jesus really did have the answers.