(no subject)
My time with AmeriCorps is halfway done, which means I have to start thinking about my future again, total bummer.
&I went to college with hopes of discovering what I wanted to do with my life, and when I graduated still unsure of my calling, I took this position with AmeriCorps to procrastinate further on making a decision. Now that I'm halfway done with AmeriCorps I have to make a decision or choose to procrastinate further. So far, I'm leaning heavily towards procrastinating further by applying for graduate school. I'm hoping that if I get enough education somebody will just walk up to me and say "Come work for me doing such and such" and we'll all live happily ever after, but I know that's not really going to happen. Additionally, I haven't even registered for the GRE yet(it's hard to take a 150 dollar test when you make 800 a month) so I have very little hope of getting into a school for next fall.
&My time in Colorado hasn't been completely unprofitable, however.
I'm sure my body has enjoyed having fresh air to breathe for the past 6 months since I spent 22 of my first 24 years in Houston.
The beauty of my surroundings has been quite nourishing for what remnants of a soul I have.
I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Julie over the last couple months and it's been great, though I feel guilty because I have no friends or money here so I have nothing other than myself to offer as entertainment.
My ability to do 60 minutes straight of cardio at this altitude(6000+ feet) will make me some sort of super hero at sea level. No wonder the US Olympic Training Center is in Colorado Springs.
I've learned things about myself through my service that I probably am only partially aware of now, and will become more aware of in years to come when I reflect back upon this year.
I've gained invaluable experience at working for a nonprofit, which will help tremendously if I choose to continue in the nonprofit sector in the future(which is very likely)
Living on 800 dollars a month has humbled me in my finances and made me appreciate the position I have in life much more. That being said, I still haven't learned my lesson as I've overdrafted twice since being here, maxed out my credit card, and spent all of my savings account. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 6 months.
&Taking all the benefits of being here into consideration, I still miss Houston terribly. It's hard to keep in touch with everyone while I'm up here, as I stay pretty busy and so does everyone else, so our schedules rarely coincide. I miss my family a ton, and feel guilty for being away from them for so long. I miss my friends, I miss Chuy's(and good mexifood in general), I miss having a real job where I make money, I miss Montrose, I miss my bicycle, I miss shows(believe it or not), and tons of other things.
&I'm trying hard to improve myself up here but daily life makes it near impossible. It doesn't help that it seems that no matter how much exercise I do, I don't seem to lose any weight. I've been drinking way more than I should for being alone, and it only got worse when Julie moved here because then I feel less guilty about it because I'm not alone. I quit my medication months ago but I feel like I'm slowly degenerating to a point where I'm going to need it again. I don't have adequate medical coverage nor the money to pay for it, so I'm neglecting seeking professional advice when I feel sick. I'll be 25 in a few months, and now's the time to either get into a health lifestyle or risk having this lifestyle become the way I live out my days.
&I've gone to church the past couple weekends with Julie, but it still does nothing for me, other than possibly give me a more realistic view of the typical christian, rather than my somewhat cynical view I had before. I have always known that most christians are good people but when you're on the outside it's easy to only focus on the negative things about the religion without remembering that for the most part it's just normal folks trying to get along. That's all any of us are, and I'm beginning to realize that most are just as lost as I am, they just choose to adhere to certain things even if they don't completely believe in it so that they feel like they have a sense of direction. A sort of "fake it til you make it" attitude, but I don't think anyone ever "makes" it. And that's fine.
&I feel tired all the time now, yet restless. I'm burnt out on the program I'm doing here, so I'm beginning to dread coming to work, and it's bittersweet to know that I'm only halfway done. I find myself wishing for the simpler days where I stocked shelves at grocery stores and didn't have to focus on anything else other than enjoying myself and being with the people I love. Lots of people who are alums of AmeriCorps say it was the hardest year of their life and they learned tons from it, and I hope I will be able to say the same about it in a few years, because I don't know how many years I can handle like this one.
&My (biological) mom finally got sober, which is a good thing but only a drop in the bucket when it comes to her problems. She's still mentally destroyed by her sicknesses and living in abject poverty. I complain about my 6 months living like this, it's hard to imagine doing it for 15-20 years now like she did. I turn to the bottle to kill the petty stress of my life and she's now sober. My little brother doesn't drink as much anymore, only socially, and as far as I know Morgan is still sober too. It's my turn, but it's hard. I don't want to be the last man standing(or, well, drunkly stumbling). I hope this new year brings newfound strength to me, because I need it right now.
I could keep rambling about things forever, but I think I'm done for now. I'm at work and completely bored and tired. I will just keep focusing on the positives for now, like the fact that Julie's here, that we're going home for thanksgiving and xmas, that I got paid today, and that the Office is on tonight.
I'm going to try to write in this more often as I have not been able to train myself to start a paper journal, and I need to start venting again. I'm glad LJ is less popular(or at least mine is) now than it used to be when I was younger, because the shit I'm going to be writing is probably going to be boring to anyone other than me, ha, and I don't want to have to worry about trying to write to entertain readers or anything like that.
&I went to college with hopes of discovering what I wanted to do with my life, and when I graduated still unsure of my calling, I took this position with AmeriCorps to procrastinate further on making a decision. Now that I'm halfway done with AmeriCorps I have to make a decision or choose to procrastinate further. So far, I'm leaning heavily towards procrastinating further by applying for graduate school. I'm hoping that if I get enough education somebody will just walk up to me and say "Come work for me doing such and such" and we'll all live happily ever after, but I know that's not really going to happen. Additionally, I haven't even registered for the GRE yet(it's hard to take a 150 dollar test when you make 800 a month) so I have very little hope of getting into a school for next fall.
&My time in Colorado hasn't been completely unprofitable, however.
I'm sure my body has enjoyed having fresh air to breathe for the past 6 months since I spent 22 of my first 24 years in Houston.
The beauty of my surroundings has been quite nourishing for what remnants of a soul I have.
I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Julie over the last couple months and it's been great, though I feel guilty because I have no friends or money here so I have nothing other than myself to offer as entertainment.
My ability to do 60 minutes straight of cardio at this altitude(6000+ feet) will make me some sort of super hero at sea level. No wonder the US Olympic Training Center is in Colorado Springs.
I've learned things about myself through my service that I probably am only partially aware of now, and will become more aware of in years to come when I reflect back upon this year.
I've gained invaluable experience at working for a nonprofit, which will help tremendously if I choose to continue in the nonprofit sector in the future(which is very likely)
Living on 800 dollars a month has humbled me in my finances and made me appreciate the position I have in life much more. That being said, I still haven't learned my lesson as I've overdrafted twice since being here, maxed out my credit card, and spent all of my savings account. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 6 months.
&Taking all the benefits of being here into consideration, I still miss Houston terribly. It's hard to keep in touch with everyone while I'm up here, as I stay pretty busy and so does everyone else, so our schedules rarely coincide. I miss my family a ton, and feel guilty for being away from them for so long. I miss my friends, I miss Chuy's(and good mexifood in general), I miss having a real job where I make money, I miss Montrose, I miss my bicycle, I miss shows(believe it or not), and tons of other things.
&I'm trying hard to improve myself up here but daily life makes it near impossible. It doesn't help that it seems that no matter how much exercise I do, I don't seem to lose any weight. I've been drinking way more than I should for being alone, and it only got worse when Julie moved here because then I feel less guilty about it because I'm not alone. I quit my medication months ago but I feel like I'm slowly degenerating to a point where I'm going to need it again. I don't have adequate medical coverage nor the money to pay for it, so I'm neglecting seeking professional advice when I feel sick. I'll be 25 in a few months, and now's the time to either get into a health lifestyle or risk having this lifestyle become the way I live out my days.
&I've gone to church the past couple weekends with Julie, but it still does nothing for me, other than possibly give me a more realistic view of the typical christian, rather than my somewhat cynical view I had before. I have always known that most christians are good people but when you're on the outside it's easy to only focus on the negative things about the religion without remembering that for the most part it's just normal folks trying to get along. That's all any of us are, and I'm beginning to realize that most are just as lost as I am, they just choose to adhere to certain things even if they don't completely believe in it so that they feel like they have a sense of direction. A sort of "fake it til you make it" attitude, but I don't think anyone ever "makes" it. And that's fine.
&I feel tired all the time now, yet restless. I'm burnt out on the program I'm doing here, so I'm beginning to dread coming to work, and it's bittersweet to know that I'm only halfway done. I find myself wishing for the simpler days where I stocked shelves at grocery stores and didn't have to focus on anything else other than enjoying myself and being with the people I love. Lots of people who are alums of AmeriCorps say it was the hardest year of their life and they learned tons from it, and I hope I will be able to say the same about it in a few years, because I don't know how many years I can handle like this one.
&My (biological) mom finally got sober, which is a good thing but only a drop in the bucket when it comes to her problems. She's still mentally destroyed by her sicknesses and living in abject poverty. I complain about my 6 months living like this, it's hard to imagine doing it for 15-20 years now like she did. I turn to the bottle to kill the petty stress of my life and she's now sober. My little brother doesn't drink as much anymore, only socially, and as far as I know Morgan is still sober too. It's my turn, but it's hard. I don't want to be the last man standing(or, well, drunkly stumbling). I hope this new year brings newfound strength to me, because I need it right now.
I could keep rambling about things forever, but I think I'm done for now. I'm at work and completely bored and tired. I will just keep focusing on the positives for now, like the fact that Julie's here, that we're going home for thanksgiving and xmas, that I got paid today, and that the Office is on tonight.
I'm going to try to write in this more often as I have not been able to train myself to start a paper journal, and I need to start venting again. I'm glad LJ is less popular(or at least mine is) now than it used to be when I was younger, because the shit I'm going to be writing is probably going to be boring to anyone other than me, ha, and I don't want to have to worry about trying to write to entertain readers or anything like that.