Revelations and Confessions
I'm on my second dark roast venti black from Starbucks. A bit wired.
Tonight has been the greatest and most tragic night of my adult life. I found out that the most intrusive and destructive potentially incredible emotion I've had with me for months is, in fact, reciprocated to some degree. Now, this makes me incredibly happy. Elated, really. But, the problem is this mutual whatever it is cannot be acted upon at all. Because of the situation currently surrounding it, and the choices I've made in the past year as well as the choices others have made, this incredible life that could have been is only a mirage. In sight, but completely unattainable. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than the feeling of uselessness and personal loss that preceeded it.
God in heaven, that is a depressing fucking paragraph. Gah. I'm ashamed of it. Such drama and bullshit. You'd think that life would become more livable as one matures, that silly emotions and self-recrimination would stutter and dissolve, but the adult world is just as full of bullshit as high school, I guess.
Ok.. mature outlook time. I like a girl. She likes me too. But this girl, who I have a long history with, cannot ever be with me for two reasons. One, she is currently dating my friend and roommate. Two, she is my best friend in the world, and also my former roommate. But I think it's our incredible friendship that has forced the issue. It's evolved naturally into this beautiful thing, this thing that only feels right, and good, and wholesome almost. It just feels like the natural thing to do, to progress into some kind of romantic relationship. But that's not a possibility, or at least won't be for some time.
But I would wait for her. I have no pressing need to share my life, or to have some kind of attachment to someone. I mean, if she really is all that she is to me, and I know she is and more, then waiting until we can both take this to where it is naturally leading us is the only viable option. And I'm cool with that. I mean, I've dealt with the situation for this long, what's another year or two? And in the meantime, while she's going through all her shit, and when she needs me to be there for her, I will humbly take that gauntlet up, and be the best damn friend I can be. Finding something like this, well I have to believe that it is very rare. A connection on a level I don't know if I've ever had before. I'm not talking love, or anything like that, so much as an intrinsic understanding, a kinship. She described it best when she said that sometimes, she's taken aback by the realization that I'm a separate entity from her, because most of the time it feels as if we're one consciousness. The Truth. We naturally consider each other extensions of ourselves. Separate, distinct, but internal. I guess it's difficult to describe.
It's not even like there's an impatience about it, really, which is fascinating to me. It's a new kind of emotion. We both want to be closer, but it's not a pressing need, just something biological or instinctive. We can both acknowledge it, without having to give into it at all, which is a very good thing given the situation.
In conclusion, I am at the precipice of the most dangerous and amazing path I have ever deigned to follow. But I can't go foward with it. But that's fine, because the mere fact that it is a possibility, no matter how remote, makes me feel like the luckiest goddamn person on the face of this earth. And I'll wait graciously and joyfully, without impatience or haste for that time in which this path might be less hazardous to travel.
In the meantime, I can revel in the fact that this potential emotion is shared (as much as a potential emotion can be shared) with the only person who really matters.
Whew.. that was a mindfuck. Summary? Life just got a billion percent better, because of the possibility of it becoming a billion percent better. Hehehe.. I love it.
***Edited for truth at 12:38AM EST***
Tonight has been the greatest and most tragic night of my adult life. I found out that the most intrusive and destructive potentially incredible emotion I've had with me for months is, in fact, reciprocated to some degree. Now, this makes me incredibly happy. Elated, really. But, the problem is this mutual whatever it is cannot be acted upon at all. Because of the situation currently surrounding it, and the choices I've made in the past year as well as the choices others have made, this incredible life that could have been is only a mirage. In sight, but completely unattainable. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than the feeling of uselessness and personal loss that preceeded it.
God in heaven, that is a depressing fucking paragraph. Gah. I'm ashamed of it. Such drama and bullshit. You'd think that life would become more livable as one matures, that silly emotions and self-recrimination would stutter and dissolve, but the adult world is just as full of bullshit as high school, I guess.
Ok.. mature outlook time. I like a girl. She likes me too. But this girl, who I have a long history with, cannot ever be with me for two reasons. One, she is currently dating my friend and roommate. Two, she is my best friend in the world, and also my former roommate. But I think it's our incredible friendship that has forced the issue. It's evolved naturally into this beautiful thing, this thing that only feels right, and good, and wholesome almost. It just feels like the natural thing to do, to progress into some kind of romantic relationship. But that's not a possibility, or at least won't be for some time.
But I would wait for her. I have no pressing need to share my life, or to have some kind of attachment to someone. I mean, if she really is all that she is to me, and I know she is and more, then waiting until we can both take this to where it is naturally leading us is the only viable option. And I'm cool with that. I mean, I've dealt with the situation for this long, what's another year or two? And in the meantime, while she's going through all her shit, and when she needs me to be there for her, I will humbly take that gauntlet up, and be the best damn friend I can be. Finding something like this, well I have to believe that it is very rare. A connection on a level I don't know if I've ever had before. I'm not talking love, or anything like that, so much as an intrinsic understanding, a kinship. She described it best when she said that sometimes, she's taken aback by the realization that I'm a separate entity from her, because most of the time it feels as if we're one consciousness. The Truth. We naturally consider each other extensions of ourselves. Separate, distinct, but internal. I guess it's difficult to describe.
It's not even like there's an impatience about it, really, which is fascinating to me. It's a new kind of emotion. We both want to be closer, but it's not a pressing need, just something biological or instinctive. We can both acknowledge it, without having to give into it at all, which is a very good thing given the situation.
In conclusion, I am at the precipice of the most dangerous and amazing path I have ever deigned to follow. But I can't go foward with it. But that's fine, because the mere fact that it is a possibility, no matter how remote, makes me feel like the luckiest goddamn person on the face of this earth. And I'll wait graciously and joyfully, without impatience or haste for that time in which this path might be less hazardous to travel.
In the meantime, I can revel in the fact that this potential emotion is shared (as much as a potential emotion can be shared) with the only person who really matters.
Whew.. that was a mindfuck. Summary? Life just got a billion percent better, because of the possibility of it becoming a billion percent better. Hehehe.. I love it.
***Edited for truth at 12:38AM EST***