CRACK FIC AHOY!
Next 2 episodes of CorPirate Crack, for your viewing horror.
[WB’s FLAGSHIP: A small OFFICE just outside WB’s main room. A BEAUTIFUL, EMOTIONLESS WOMAN is sitting primly at a desk and using a typewriter. The paper used is classy, with an ornate letterhead]
[ACE enters, hurrying towards WB’s MAIN ROOM]
WOMAN: Stop!
ACE: Sorry, gotta see senchou.
WOMAN: That isn’t my problem, is it? Whitebeard-sama is busy, and doesn’t want to be disturbed.
ACE: Bu-
WOMAN: Sh!
ACE: I-
WOMAN: [Glares at ACE] Do you have an appointment?
ACE: Well - no?
WOMAN: Then take a form and sit down.
[She passes three pieces of PAPER filled with questions to ACE and points behind him. ACE turns to see three uncomfortable-looking chairs. On two of them sit a pair of bored-looking PIRATES; one is carving his initials into the armrest, while another is flicking through a copy of ‘VOGUE’]
ACE: Look, this is really important! I don’t have time to fill out th- wait, why are all these forms the same?
WOMAN: We need them in triplicate. Don’t forget to fill out the back, as well. We’ll also need a doctor’s note stating you don’t have any diseases you might pass on to Whitebeard-sama by being near him. You’ll need Form 12-B-17X to schedule a check-up, but we don’t keep them here.
ACE: I only need a minute!
WOMAN: [ignoring ACE] Whitebeard-sama’s schedule is full before lunch today, so don’t expect a meeting until afterwards.
ACE: No, you don’t understand - I just got a Den-Den call - Admiral Kizaru is heading towards the fifth Division. They need reinforcements!
WOMAN: Let’s hope he doesn’t reach them before lunch then.
ACE: For fuck’s sake, what the hell is senchou doing that’s more important than my news?!
WOMAN: He’s working out how to implement the new open-door policy.
ACE: ARGHHHHH!!!
~ PART DEUX ~
[The GRASSLANDS of an ISLAND somewhere - a massive fight has evidently occurred, as the ground is littered with the corpses of (mostly burned) Marines. ACE is crouched over the limp figure of a PIRATE, holding his upper body up; the PIRATE is obviously dying. ANGSTY MUSIC plays in the background]
ACE: [sobbing] Dave, no! How could this happen?
[The PIRATE/DAVE coughs up blood, and groans]
DAVE: Com- Commander… [coughs] I’m sorry… I failed you…
ACE: Don’t say that, Dave! This was your first mission - if anyone should have spotted that ambush, it was me. This is my fault!
DAVE: No… Commander… I should never have… shown you… my girlfriend’s picture.
ACE: Well, if we’re talking about that, I’m sorry I made fun of her nose.
DAVE: It is… kind of odd… isn’t it?
ACE: Ha, yeah.
DAVE: Hey!
ACE: Oh, sorry. Dave, listen to me; you can’t die. You can’t. If we get you back to the ship, senchou’s nurses will patch you right up. You’ll be fine!
DAVE: [smiles weakly] Comm…ander. I … appreciate your words, but… I knew it was over… when that Marine… shot me at point blank range… in the chest… twenty times.
ACE: Yeah, and without reloading. I was impressed.
DAVE: Me… too.
ACE: Damn it! Why, Dave! Cut down in the prime of your -
DAVE: I’m… forty-two…
ACE: [continuing] - middle-age! Isn’t there anything I can do for you?
DAVE: Well… there is… [coughs more blood] one thing…
ACE: [grimly] Tell me. I’ll make sure it’s done.
DAVE: I didn’t… get to finish… filling out… my tax-returns.
ACE: Oh. Um. I don’t do paperwork.
DAVE: Never mind… then.
[DAVE draws a rattling breath, before DYING. The MUSIC rises to a CRESCENDO, because it’s the only Italian musical term I know]
ACE: CURSE YOU, FAAAATTTEEEEEEE!!!
That is all.
[WB’s FLAGSHIP: A small OFFICE just outside WB’s main room. A BEAUTIFUL, EMOTIONLESS WOMAN is sitting primly at a desk and using a typewriter. The paper used is classy, with an ornate letterhead]
[ACE enters, hurrying towards WB’s MAIN ROOM]
WOMAN: Stop!
ACE: Sorry, gotta see senchou.
WOMAN: That isn’t my problem, is it? Whitebeard-sama is busy, and doesn’t want to be disturbed.
ACE: Bu-
WOMAN: Sh!
ACE: I-
WOMAN: [Glares at ACE] Do you have an appointment?
ACE: Well - no?
WOMAN: Then take a form and sit down.
[She passes three pieces of PAPER filled with questions to ACE and points behind him. ACE turns to see three uncomfortable-looking chairs. On two of them sit a pair of bored-looking PIRATES; one is carving his initials into the armrest, while another is flicking through a copy of ‘VOGUE’]
ACE: Look, this is really important! I don’t have time to fill out th- wait, why are all these forms the same?
WOMAN: We need them in triplicate. Don’t forget to fill out the back, as well. We’ll also need a doctor’s note stating you don’t have any diseases you might pass on to Whitebeard-sama by being near him. You’ll need Form 12-B-17X to schedule a check-up, but we don’t keep them here.
ACE: I only need a minute!
WOMAN: [ignoring ACE] Whitebeard-sama’s schedule is full before lunch today, so don’t expect a meeting until afterwards.
ACE: No, you don’t understand - I just got a Den-Den call - Admiral Kizaru is heading towards the fifth Division. They need reinforcements!
WOMAN: Let’s hope he doesn’t reach them before lunch then.
ACE: For fuck’s sake, what the hell is senchou doing that’s more important than my news?!
WOMAN: He’s working out how to implement the new open-door policy.
ACE: ARGHHHHH!!!
~ PART DEUX ~
[The GRASSLANDS of an ISLAND somewhere - a massive fight has evidently occurred, as the ground is littered with the corpses of (mostly burned) Marines. ACE is crouched over the limp figure of a PIRATE, holding his upper body up; the PIRATE is obviously dying. ANGSTY MUSIC plays in the background]
ACE: [sobbing] Dave, no! How could this happen?
[The PIRATE/DAVE coughs up blood, and groans]
DAVE: Com- Commander… [coughs] I’m sorry… I failed you…
ACE: Don’t say that, Dave! This was your first mission - if anyone should have spotted that ambush, it was me. This is my fault!
DAVE: No… Commander… I should never have… shown you… my girlfriend’s picture.
ACE: Well, if we’re talking about that, I’m sorry I made fun of her nose.
DAVE: It is… kind of odd… isn’t it?
ACE: Ha, yeah.
DAVE: Hey!
ACE: Oh, sorry. Dave, listen to me; you can’t die. You can’t. If we get you back to the ship, senchou’s nurses will patch you right up. You’ll be fine!
DAVE: [smiles weakly] Comm…ander. I … appreciate your words, but… I knew it was over… when that Marine… shot me at point blank range… in the chest… twenty times.
ACE: Yeah, and without reloading. I was impressed.
DAVE: Me… too.
ACE: Damn it! Why, Dave! Cut down in the prime of your -
DAVE: I’m… forty-two…
ACE: [continuing] - middle-age! Isn’t there anything I can do for you?
DAVE: Well… there is… [coughs more blood] one thing…
ACE: [grimly] Tell me. I’ll make sure it’s done.
DAVE: I didn’t… get to finish… filling out… my tax-returns.
ACE: Oh. Um. I don’t do paperwork.
DAVE: Never mind… then.
[DAVE draws a rattling breath, before DYING. The MUSIC rises to a CRESCENDO, because it’s the only Italian musical term I know]
ACE: CURSE YOU, FAAAATTTEEEEEEE!!!
That is all.