(no subject)
Title: 5 Devil Fruits Sanji Never Ate
(or, 5 Parallel Universes in Which Sanji Has It Even Worse. Yes, It's Possible.)
Word Count: Approx. 2000
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: ZoSan implied in some
Disclaimer/Warnings: Still not mine. Also, watch out for a little OOCness due to speed-writing. Crack!fic, FAIL!sanji, and lots of SCREAMING IN CAPS.
Summary: See title, idiots.
1) Distraction-Distraction Fruit - Class: Paramecia. Capability: C-
“Shit!”
Sanji gritted his teeth as he took in the scene. Zoro and Luffy were busy with the main forces elsewhere, and he’d promised to protect Usopp, who now stretched, battered and bleeding, unconscious in front of the Commodore’s Marines.
His legs were tired. Fuck, his whole body was tired - he could barely walk, let alone run or fight. Smoker’s Marines were just the latest in the squadrons dispatched to take down the Strawhats, but they could well be the successful ones; to capture not one but two of the pirates…
Sanji dragged himself fully upright, staring down the Marines who tensed, raising their guns warily. No-one was sure of Blackleg Sanji’s true limits, anymore than they were of Zoro’s or Luffy’s. He had to look strong. He had to look capable. For Usopp’s life; for his promise; for the trust his nakama held for him (and for the girls’ elegant and heartfelt pr~aise!) he would win. But there would only be one shot.
“WATCH OUT!” the cook screamed in horror, pointing behind the Marines, “IT’S A GIANT, PINK, MAN-EATING ELEPHANT!”
As one, the crowd turned in the other direction, looking around curiously for the elusive pachyderm. “I think I saw it,” Sanji heard one of them mutter as he shifted Usopp over his shoulder and staggered off.
“Sanji?” Usopp whispered hoarsely.
The cook shifted his cargo slightly. “Yeah?”
“You know how one in every ten of your Distractions turns real?”
“… it’s behind us, isn’t it.”
“Did you have to imagine it with fangs?”
-
2) Fail-Fail Fruit - Class: Paramecia. Capability: F--
“It all would have been fine if the ships cooks hadn’t convinced me to eat that fuckin’ fruit,” Sanji sighed gloomily, more than a little drunk from what Zoro could see.
“Your Devil Fruit?”
Sanji took another mouthful of his drink, swaying slightly. “Yeah, that damn thing. Ten minutes later we were attacked by pirates, and not long after that, I got stuck on an island for months with only that shitty old man for company.”
“Well,” Zoro shrugged, reaching for his drink, “could have been worse. He took you in afterwards, right?”
“Ha! Could have been worse? Could have been worse? You know what my Devil Fruit does?” The blond fixed baleful (and reddened) eyes on Zoro, his form hunched and quivering with suppressed anger.
The swordsman gazed back, brow furrowed. “I thought it gave you bad luck?”
“HA! Best joke I’ve ever heard, marimo! Bad luck? Try impossibly bad luck. Try terrible luck. Starving on the island? That was a piece of cake, compared to what came next. Hell, the only good think about the Fail-Fail Fruit is that it won‘t kill you with bad luck, but that’s only so it fuck you over again.”
Zoro raised an eyebrow.
“First,” Sanji pronounced coolly, “the shitty old man decided that to open the Baratie, we’d need funds. And since wanted pirate Red-Leg Zeff was conveniently dead, and robbing people would just get him noticed and wanted again, we had to make money another way.”
Zoro raised the other eyebrow. Then he lowered the first one.
“Did you know,” Sanji hiccupped, his swaying growing a little more pronounced, “that I make a very pretty girl?”
Zoro closed both his eyes, very gently. His mouth made strange twitching motions, which stopped abruptly after several seconds. “Go on,” he said finally.
“I wore a schoolgirl’s outfit.” He stared despondently into his glass. “Sometimes it was a sundress.”
He wasn’t the only one swaying now, Sanji noticed vaguely. Zoro seemed to be having some sort of a fit. Idiot probably swallowed his drink the wrong way, stupid marimo.
“I made a fortune,” Sanji announced, deciding to ignore the swordsman’s strange behaviour. “I’d be adopted out to different couples, and then the Fail-Fail Fruit would make them die in horrible, dramatic ways. Then I’d inherit their money, and give it to Zeff for the Baratie fund.”
Zoro froze. “Oh.”
“I couldn’t be a boy, of course,” Sanji continued, oblivious. “It would be too easy for someone to trace me that way, after we were finished. After the third set of parents - they got caught in a giant mousetrap, somehow - I told the shitty old man I didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“Um - do all your loved ones die?”
“Fuck, marimo! I’m trying to tell you my life-story here, and you can’t wait for me to finish?” He glared at the man. “Yeah, actually. All of my loved ones die. In sick, agonising ways. Hell, you saw how Krieg -” Sanji’s voice caught in a sob, “- and his men slaughtered Zeff and the others right?”
“Yeah?”
Sanji sniffed, his eyes watering. “I knew it would happen one day. Everyone I love dies. Every one of my plans and dreams fail. Every one of the meals I tried to cook just burned or poisoned people, until I gave up. I can walk down a straight, flat, empty street, trip over air, and break my leg -”
“We’d noticed,” Zoro muttered.
“- I’m straight, but I have a dozen men chasing me, and no women. Fuck, I can’t even get drunk properly!”
Zoro frowned, glancing between Sanji and the glass he held in his scarred fist. “You look like you’re managing fine to me.”
“Are you shitting me?” Sanji hissed, holding the glass out to the other man. “I can’t even drink real alcohol anymore! This is fuckin’ apple juice!
The swordsman considered this. “Hn,” he said at last. “But I bet you’d still make a hot girl.”
Sanji paused, studied Zoro, and then grinned blearily. “Actually, I do. Wanna see?”
-
3) Narration-Narration Fruit - Class: Paramecia. Capability: F------
The amazing wonder-cook, Blackleg Sanji, was in his element. Actually, he had three elements, one of them being surrounded by screaming woman -
“Now that I can believe.”
“Shut up, marimo!”
- the second being the kitchen, but this; yes, this was another of the many places he had found success. With ease, he swept through the enemies, his infamous attacks always striking true. His enemies gazed upon him with terror -
“That’s confusion, ero-cook. Get it right.”
“SHUT UP!”
- unable to land a single blow. His silky hair trailing behind him, San-
“The fuck? You actually describe your own hair as ‘silky’?!”
Sanji kicked another Marine in the face (and through two walls), before screaming his reply. “SHIT! How many times do I have to tell you it’s not my fuckin’ thoughts?!”
His righteous anger sated, the mighty warrior gazed impassively across the legion of foes who cowered before him. They were not worthy of his wrath; instead, our hero graciously allowed the uneducated fool, Zolo-
“IT’S ZORO!”
- Zorolo to slake his insane, beastlike, blood-thirst upon them. The incredible Sanji, who had just finished making love to his harem of beauties, knew his minion, Zoroloro, was in need of release for his bestial urges -
“THAT’S IT! I’M COMING OVER THERE!”
Ha! Let him come! So the impudent lack-wit turned on his master; it was not unexpected. Zorolorolo’s brain was miniscule compared to the vastness of Sanji’s intellect (as was everyone else’s, admittedly), and thanks to Blackleg’s TRAGIC and DRAMATIC past, he was used to betrayal. His single, violet eye -
“IT’S BLUE, YOU RETARD!”
“SHUT UP! THEY’RE NOT MY THOUGHTS!”
- misted over as he remembered the HORROR of the most recent attempt on his life by one he had trusted. His -
There were several seconds of silence, interrupted only by a groan from one of the injured Marines. The two Strawhats stood motionless, listening.
“Is it over?” Zoro whispered.
Sanji glanced around cautiously. “I think so. Looks like it decided to stop when the fight ended.”
Zoro breathed a sigh of relief. “Finally. Let’s get back to the others, before some other jackass pops up and starts it off again.”
“Whatever you say, Zorolo,” Sanji muttered, too low for the swordsman to hear - he had something more interesting to concentrate on than a potential fight, right now - as Zoro turned and headed off in the direction of the ship.
Sanji gazed approvingly at the play of his nakama’s well-muscled body beneath the blood-stained clothes, idly wondering what it would be like to run his hands lingeringly over that tight -
“What?”
“DAMMIT, MARIMO, THOSE AREN’T MY THOUGHTS!”
-
4) Cockroach-Cockroach Fruit - Class: Zoan (Subtype: Insect). Capability: A++
“Oh no!” screamed Brooke, jerking spasmodically in over-exaggerated horror. “The building just fell on Sanji!”
“Don’t worry!” Ducking to avoid a hit, Luffy laughed happily. “He’ll be fine, after all. GOMU-GOMU NO -”
Brooke stared at the distant, billowing cloud of dust in horror, absently deflecting an attack and skewering the pirate who’d launched it. He only relaxed when a large, brown form clambered out of the massive pile of rubble.
“Oh, you’re right. I’d sigh with relief… but I don’t have lungs! SKULL JOKE!”
Zoro rolled his eyes, killed a half-dozen men with a flick of Wadou, and caught a glimpse of Sanji furiously tearing a man’s head off with his mandibles.
Brooke yelled again. “The building next door is falling on him!”
“He’ll be okay,” Nami assured him, rifling through a corpse’s pockets. “I know you’ve only been with us a week, but you’ll get used to him. Really.”
“He got drunk and tried to ban himself from the kitchen after he ate his Fruit!” Luffy crowed triumphantly (after throwing a pair of pirates off the island and several miles out to sea). “He said he was ‘unhoo-jeenic‘, or something.”
The skeleton glanced over to the now-larger pile of rubble, which Sanji emerged from, skittering to the top and shaking several of his legs at the sky. Brooke could hear vague, distant obscenities, and some bizarre clicking.
“Amazing,” he marvelled, removing a man’s spleen (followed by Nami removing his wallet). “He can really withstand all that? I can hardly believe my eyes. Except I don’t have any. SKULL JOKE!”
“Someone shut him up,” Zoro groaned, carving a ‘Z’ in one opponent’s chest through some strange instinct he’d recently been unable to shake. “Seriously, you don’t need to worry about him. Some Bananodiles tried to eat him once, and they just broke their teeth.”
“I’ve never once had to treat him,” Chopper volunteered cheerily, crushing a fallen pirate’s head with with a hoof. No-one was sure whether it was deliberate or not. “Well, except for the regular therapy sessions. His phobia of insects is a little hard on him, these days.”
Brooke nodded thoughtfully. “So that’s why I wake up to his screams, sometimes…”
“Well, actually,” Zoro admitted, having the grace to look a little embarrassed, “those nights he screams - they have nothing to do with insects…”
“Perverts,” Nami muttered, and stole Zoro’s money-purse for good measure.
“Are those cannonballs bouncing off his chitin?”
“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed off does he look?”
Brooke squinted. “About a six.”
“Then probably, yeah. Hey, where’s my cash?”
-
5) [UNNAMED] Fruit - Class: Logia. Capability: A (Note: CLASSIFIED)
As any serious student of Devil Fruits could tell you, there are over three-hundred known types of Paramecia Fruit. Over eighty Zoan. Only twelve Logia.
The truth is: there is a thirteenth Logia. A Logia classified at the highest levels of the World Government. A Logia so utterly shocking that if discovered, it is forbidden to eat; instead, it is to be sealed away for all eternity.
This is not because of its incredible power, though like all Logia, it offers unparalleled healing and defensive abilities. It is simply that this Logia could utterly demoralise the entirety of the Marines if one high-ranked-enough person happened to devour it. Yes… this Logia is simply that -
Embarrassing.
“I know!” Luffy grinned, picking his nose contentedly, while everyone else stared in horror at the substance Sanji had managed to coat the galley in. “Why don’t we call it the Cum-Cum Fruit?”
“AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
(or, 5 Parallel Universes in Which Sanji Has It Even Worse. Yes, It's Possible.)
Word Count: Approx. 2000
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: ZoSan implied in some
Disclaimer/Warnings: Still not mine. Also, watch out for a little OOCness due to speed-writing. Crack!fic, FAIL!sanji, and lots of SCREAMING IN CAPS.
Summary: See title, idiots.
1) Distraction-Distraction Fruit - Class: Paramecia. Capability: C-
“Shit!”
Sanji gritted his teeth as he took in the scene. Zoro and Luffy were busy with the main forces elsewhere, and he’d promised to protect Usopp, who now stretched, battered and bleeding, unconscious in front of the Commodore’s Marines.
His legs were tired. Fuck, his whole body was tired - he could barely walk, let alone run or fight. Smoker’s Marines were just the latest in the squadrons dispatched to take down the Strawhats, but they could well be the successful ones; to capture not one but two of the pirates…
Sanji dragged himself fully upright, staring down the Marines who tensed, raising their guns warily. No-one was sure of Blackleg Sanji’s true limits, anymore than they were of Zoro’s or Luffy’s. He had to look strong. He had to look capable. For Usopp’s life; for his promise; for the trust his nakama held for him (and for the girls’ elegant and heartfelt pr~aise!) he would win. But there would only be one shot.
“WATCH OUT!” the cook screamed in horror, pointing behind the Marines, “IT’S A GIANT, PINK, MAN-EATING ELEPHANT!”
As one, the crowd turned in the other direction, looking around curiously for the elusive pachyderm. “I think I saw it,” Sanji heard one of them mutter as he shifted Usopp over his shoulder and staggered off.
“Sanji?” Usopp whispered hoarsely.
The cook shifted his cargo slightly. “Yeah?”
“You know how one in every ten of your Distractions turns real?”
“… it’s behind us, isn’t it.”
“Did you have to imagine it with fangs?”
-
2) Fail-Fail Fruit - Class: Paramecia. Capability: F--
“It all would have been fine if the ships cooks hadn’t convinced me to eat that fuckin’ fruit,” Sanji sighed gloomily, more than a little drunk from what Zoro could see.
“Your Devil Fruit?”
Sanji took another mouthful of his drink, swaying slightly. “Yeah, that damn thing. Ten minutes later we were attacked by pirates, and not long after that, I got stuck on an island for months with only that shitty old man for company.”
“Well,” Zoro shrugged, reaching for his drink, “could have been worse. He took you in afterwards, right?”
“Ha! Could have been worse? Could have been worse? You know what my Devil Fruit does?” The blond fixed baleful (and reddened) eyes on Zoro, his form hunched and quivering with suppressed anger.
The swordsman gazed back, brow furrowed. “I thought it gave you bad luck?”
“HA! Best joke I’ve ever heard, marimo! Bad luck? Try impossibly bad luck. Try terrible luck. Starving on the island? That was a piece of cake, compared to what came next. Hell, the only good think about the Fail-Fail Fruit is that it won‘t kill you with bad luck, but that’s only so it fuck you over again.”
Zoro raised an eyebrow.
“First,” Sanji pronounced coolly, “the shitty old man decided that to open the Baratie, we’d need funds. And since wanted pirate Red-Leg Zeff was conveniently dead, and robbing people would just get him noticed and wanted again, we had to make money another way.”
Zoro raised the other eyebrow. Then he lowered the first one.
“Did you know,” Sanji hiccupped, his swaying growing a little more pronounced, “that I make a very pretty girl?”
Zoro closed both his eyes, very gently. His mouth made strange twitching motions, which stopped abruptly after several seconds. “Go on,” he said finally.
“I wore a schoolgirl’s outfit.” He stared despondently into his glass. “Sometimes it was a sundress.”
He wasn’t the only one swaying now, Sanji noticed vaguely. Zoro seemed to be having some sort of a fit. Idiot probably swallowed his drink the wrong way, stupid marimo.
“I made a fortune,” Sanji announced, deciding to ignore the swordsman’s strange behaviour. “I’d be adopted out to different couples, and then the Fail-Fail Fruit would make them die in horrible, dramatic ways. Then I’d inherit their money, and give it to Zeff for the Baratie fund.”
Zoro froze. “Oh.”
“I couldn’t be a boy, of course,” Sanji continued, oblivious. “It would be too easy for someone to trace me that way, after we were finished. After the third set of parents - they got caught in a giant mousetrap, somehow - I told the shitty old man I didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“Um - do all your loved ones die?”
“Fuck, marimo! I’m trying to tell you my life-story here, and you can’t wait for me to finish?” He glared at the man. “Yeah, actually. All of my loved ones die. In sick, agonising ways. Hell, you saw how Krieg -” Sanji’s voice caught in a sob, “- and his men slaughtered Zeff and the others right?”
“Yeah?”
Sanji sniffed, his eyes watering. “I knew it would happen one day. Everyone I love dies. Every one of my plans and dreams fail. Every one of the meals I tried to cook just burned or poisoned people, until I gave up. I can walk down a straight, flat, empty street, trip over air, and break my leg -”
“We’d noticed,” Zoro muttered.
“- I’m straight, but I have a dozen men chasing me, and no women. Fuck, I can’t even get drunk properly!”
Zoro frowned, glancing between Sanji and the glass he held in his scarred fist. “You look like you’re managing fine to me.”
“Are you shitting me?” Sanji hissed, holding the glass out to the other man. “I can’t even drink real alcohol anymore! This is fuckin’ apple juice!
The swordsman considered this. “Hn,” he said at last. “But I bet you’d still make a hot girl.”
Sanji paused, studied Zoro, and then grinned blearily. “Actually, I do. Wanna see?”
-
3) Narration-Narration Fruit - Class: Paramecia. Capability: F------
The amazing wonder-cook, Blackleg Sanji, was in his element. Actually, he had three elements, one of them being surrounded by screaming woman -
“Now that I can believe.”
“Shut up, marimo!”
- the second being the kitchen, but this; yes, this was another of the many places he had found success. With ease, he swept through the enemies, his infamous attacks always striking true. His enemies gazed upon him with terror -
“That’s confusion, ero-cook. Get it right.”
“SHUT UP!”
- unable to land a single blow. His silky hair trailing behind him, San-
“The fuck? You actually describe your own hair as ‘silky’?!”
Sanji kicked another Marine in the face (and through two walls), before screaming his reply. “SHIT! How many times do I have to tell you it’s not my fuckin’ thoughts?!”
His righteous anger sated, the mighty warrior gazed impassively across the legion of foes who cowered before him. They were not worthy of his wrath; instead, our hero graciously allowed the uneducated fool, Zolo-
“IT’S ZORO!”
- Zorolo to slake his insane, beastlike, blood-thirst upon them. The incredible Sanji, who had just finished making love to his harem of beauties, knew his minion, Zoroloro, was in need of release for his bestial urges -
“THAT’S IT! I’M COMING OVER THERE!”
Ha! Let him come! So the impudent lack-wit turned on his master; it was not unexpected. Zorolorolo’s brain was miniscule compared to the vastness of Sanji’s intellect (as was everyone else’s, admittedly), and thanks to Blackleg’s TRAGIC and DRAMATIC past, he was used to betrayal. His single, violet eye -
“IT’S BLUE, YOU RETARD!”
“SHUT UP! THEY’RE NOT MY THOUGHTS!”
- misted over as he remembered the HORROR of the most recent attempt on his life by one he had trusted. His -
There were several seconds of silence, interrupted only by a groan from one of the injured Marines. The two Strawhats stood motionless, listening.
“Is it over?” Zoro whispered.
Sanji glanced around cautiously. “I think so. Looks like it decided to stop when the fight ended.”
Zoro breathed a sigh of relief. “Finally. Let’s get back to the others, before some other jackass pops up and starts it off again.”
“Whatever you say, Zorolo,” Sanji muttered, too low for the swordsman to hear - he had something more interesting to concentrate on than a potential fight, right now - as Zoro turned and headed off in the direction of the ship.
Sanji gazed approvingly at the play of his nakama’s well-muscled body beneath the blood-stained clothes, idly wondering what it would be like to run his hands lingeringly over that tight -
“What?”
“DAMMIT, MARIMO, THOSE AREN’T MY THOUGHTS!”
-
4) Cockroach-Cockroach Fruit - Class: Zoan (Subtype: Insect). Capability: A++
“Oh no!” screamed Brooke, jerking spasmodically in over-exaggerated horror. “The building just fell on Sanji!”
“Don’t worry!” Ducking to avoid a hit, Luffy laughed happily. “He’ll be fine, after all. GOMU-GOMU NO -”
Brooke stared at the distant, billowing cloud of dust in horror, absently deflecting an attack and skewering the pirate who’d launched it. He only relaxed when a large, brown form clambered out of the massive pile of rubble.
“Oh, you’re right. I’d sigh with relief… but I don’t have lungs! SKULL JOKE!”
Zoro rolled his eyes, killed a half-dozen men with a flick of Wadou, and caught a glimpse of Sanji furiously tearing a man’s head off with his mandibles.
Brooke yelled again. “The building next door is falling on him!”
“He’ll be okay,” Nami assured him, rifling through a corpse’s pockets. “I know you’ve only been with us a week, but you’ll get used to him. Really.”
“He got drunk and tried to ban himself from the kitchen after he ate his Fruit!” Luffy crowed triumphantly (after throwing a pair of pirates off the island and several miles out to sea). “He said he was ‘unhoo-jeenic‘, or something.”
The skeleton glanced over to the now-larger pile of rubble, which Sanji emerged from, skittering to the top and shaking several of his legs at the sky. Brooke could hear vague, distant obscenities, and some bizarre clicking.
“Amazing,” he marvelled, removing a man’s spleen (followed by Nami removing his wallet). “He can really withstand all that? I can hardly believe my eyes. Except I don’t have any. SKULL JOKE!”
“Someone shut him up,” Zoro groaned, carving a ‘Z’ in one opponent’s chest through some strange instinct he’d recently been unable to shake. “Seriously, you don’t need to worry about him. Some Bananodiles tried to eat him once, and they just broke their teeth.”
“I’ve never once had to treat him,” Chopper volunteered cheerily, crushing a fallen pirate’s head with with a hoof. No-one was sure whether it was deliberate or not. “Well, except for the regular therapy sessions. His phobia of insects is a little hard on him, these days.”
Brooke nodded thoughtfully. “So that’s why I wake up to his screams, sometimes…”
“Well, actually,” Zoro admitted, having the grace to look a little embarrassed, “those nights he screams - they have nothing to do with insects…”
“Perverts,” Nami muttered, and stole Zoro’s money-purse for good measure.
“Are those cannonballs bouncing off his chitin?”
“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed off does he look?”
Brooke squinted. “About a six.”
“Then probably, yeah. Hey, where’s my cash?”
-
5) [UNNAMED] Fruit - Class: Logia. Capability: A (Note: CLASSIFIED)
As any serious student of Devil Fruits could tell you, there are over three-hundred known types of Paramecia Fruit. Over eighty Zoan. Only twelve Logia.
The truth is: there is a thirteenth Logia. A Logia classified at the highest levels of the World Government. A Logia so utterly shocking that if discovered, it is forbidden to eat; instead, it is to be sealed away for all eternity.
This is not because of its incredible power, though like all Logia, it offers unparalleled healing and defensive abilities. It is simply that this Logia could utterly demoralise the entirety of the Marines if one high-ranked-enough person happened to devour it. Yes… this Logia is simply that -
Embarrassing.
“I know!” Luffy grinned, picking his nose contentedly, while everyone else stared in horror at the substance Sanji had managed to coat the galley in. “Why don’t we call it the Cum-Cum Fruit?”
“AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”