So I’m gonna keep my eyes on You…
Originally published at Dancin' In The Wind.... Please leave any comments there.
3am Edit: Audio A (and Phil Wickham!) playing at Conseco (ie 15 minutes away!) on November 5th. Things could NOT get any better. Audio in IndianaPOLIS (emphasis on polis, as in MY CITY- not 3 hours away in Fort Wayne!)…with PHIL WICKHAM?!…(obviously) before they break up?! So happy…so so happy!
---------So I tried to go to bed about an hour ago. But I’m thinking too much to go to sleep. I’m supposed to go see my great uncle in the morning…he’s pretty awesome.
We’ve got the craziest bond. It doesn’t even make sense! I went to his house once when I was like 3…and this guy was old then- but is really old now! His son died last year on the 4th (in the *early* morning hours of either the 4th or 5th…I can’t remember which one). They’re pretty certain it was drunk driving. But anyways…I dunno, the guy’s been so nice to me ever sense. I think I might have met him once (while older, not counting when I was 3) not long before his son died- but I dunno it’s so weird.
He’ll talk to my Grandma, and he was like “Now you make sure my girl is down here when I get here tomorrow!…” He thinks so much of my mom and I, and it’s really perplexed me, since I never really knew him.
Anywho. I’ve been thinking a lot. Not bad thinking, just annoying thinking. Thinking that needs to happen, but I’ve been putting it off.
*goes to get Dr. Pepper for long night*
…anyways lol…I forget exactly what it was- oddly enough, I was reading a devotion in Behind The Music (compiled by some pretty amazing people!), and Natalie Grant had one on being yourself. Sounds simple, and somewhat…overdone, right? Yea…definitely not.
“It’s hard for us to stay in the passenger seat of our lives; we want to control our own destiny. I guess, to an extent, we do, because we must choose to follow Christ. Once we do that, letting Him lead isn’t easy, but is essential to finding ourselves and fulfilling our destiny…” (bold would be my emphasis…not her’s)
I love that. I’ve heard a lot of people say, “and after I did that, it became easier to let Him lead- it wasn’t all that hard to let go”. I love how she bluntly, and unashamedly said, “letting Him lead isn’t easy”. That’s one of those things that I think about and struggle with. Is my faith any good if I’m struggling to be molded as He wants me to be? If I’m still resisting. And I mean, I know I’m human, we mess up, etc…but it’s still something everyone goes through. ‘Can I really, deeply love Him, if I’m holding so tightly to my sin?’ and I know I do…but my actions don’t always show it, my thoughts don’t always show it, and it scares me. It makes me sad.
To be honest- I’ve never liked her stuff, and really know nothing about her at all, but it was nice, and comforting to see someone who’s been so successful in CCM, still say “it’s not an easy thing to do, letting go, and giving Him complete control”
So as my last post kinda hinted at, I started thinking about what parts of my life I was the driver in. What areas I was holding on to, being stubborn with, lazy, etc. And I realized that I’ve been talking about being broken- having Him break me, and taking time to reflect on that, for quite a while now.
And I can’t be broken forever. Now…when I say that- I mean…that can’t be the primary place I am spiritually forever…I think in a sense, we all need to be broken every day- just as we need to rediscover the love for our Saviour, and just as importantly His love for us. It’s a daily thing. But this larger scale of brokenness (positive, not negative lol). I think lately I’ve been using that as a crutch. I’ve gotten used to it, comfortable with it…and that’s not good. I haven’t been kept on my toes. When we’re not being challenged, we get lazy. When we get lazy, we drop things. And for me at least, when I dropped my time with Him, I got cranky. Yes. Cranky lol. In all it’s horrid immature glory. I became cranky, short tempered, just not good at all! Even after I started back up…I was weird the first few days.
That’s popped up in skipping out on my time with Him, and it’s like…out of that- it scared me, so I started back up, and in turn it got me to a great place…BUT why not be kept on my feet by something positive, instead of something negative like that? Take a new challenge spiritually, instead of dropping a current one BECAUSE I didn’t take a new challenge. What a pointless cycle that was!
So yea…I’m really quite unsure about where I’m going to be lead. But I know I need to get out of the comfort zone I’ve been in lately.
I’ve really gotten into Jason Morant tonight. Maybe this sounds shallow, that I think that certain people who look a certain way sound a certain way, but I’ve seen his picture in a few places, and as silly as it sounds, he ‘looks’ like a lot of artists I listen to…I figured I’d like him. Never got around to checking him out since like…April, but I did tonight and LOVE him! Beautiful music. Outstanding lyrics!
He reminds me of a weird mix between Jars of Clay, Augustana, Todd Agnew (minus the vocals). He’s just amazing! Such great lyrics. He is a serious worship leader through and through, and I’m not talking this industry worship stuff. Serious worship. His stuff is so heartfelt! It’s good, but it doesn’t sound overproduced. It’s real music. Not ‘climb the charts’ music…though it definitely could…and should!
What is this place I found
The sacred ground
Where You and I will run
All that I’d never leave from here
With every second spent
The world around me
Seems to fall away
And with it all concerns and fears
So I’m thanking You now
For showing me how
To love You
For showing me how
To find myself in You
Here’s my song
And I am Yours
And I am Yours
What is this place I found
That brings to life
The deepest parts of me
Yeah this is grace
That pulls me through
With every glance from You
That comes my way
I’m feeling more alive
So I’m gonna keep my eyes on You
And I am Yours
And I am Yours
I’m telling You, telling You
That I am Yours
And I am Yours
Yeah I’m thanking You now
For showing me how
To love You
For showing me how
To lose myself in You
Here’s my song
And I am Yours
And I am Yours
I’m telling You telling You
That I am Yours
You’re showing me showing me
That I am Yours
And I am Yours
I guess that’s all for tonight. It’s a lot, I know- but I just felt like there was gonna be way more. So in the time I decided to save you- you should all go check out Jason Morant. “I Am Yours”, “Falling and Captured”, “Inside of Me” or “Abandon” would be pretty amazing starting points.