By the way, my words were faded…
Originally published at Dancin' In The Wind.... Please leave any comments there.
*edit* partial double post…blogger decided not to hate me!
“ashleeeyy. i thought you should know. the way of the master has a myspace. of course..yours is dead. but yes. and it isn’t a lie. because then..i would be a liar.”
…so I pretty much thought that was the best comment I’ve ever gotten. Ever. If you’ve never seen the show- or don’t know of Kirk Cameron’s get up in preaching…you definitely wouldn’t get it at all…but yes. I just died laughing at that! Thank you Rachel (W.) for that…it made my night. Pathetic…I know lol.
So my days of 5 dP. readings a day are over. Pretty happy to finally be caught up (I got WAY behind during April…like…a week away from being a month behind…it was crazy. Bad month- no excuse…indeed. anywho- I got started up again, but just did one a day for a long time- I didn’t fall any farther behind, but stayed the same distance away).
This month has been pretty much mind blowing. Granted I didn’t do 5 every day lol…but that was good middle ground. I did 8 one day…probably two the next, you know?
I’ve loved it. I’ve learned lots, grown a bit, grown waaaay closer to God…it’s been good.
But with that being said, I’m happy I’m caught back up. There were a few really in-depth, long-term things I wanted to look into, really…get into actually. But I decided to get caught up so that I can fully devote my time with God to these things without being distracted with the whole “well…if I did readings/journaling, I’d still be spending time with God, and would be able to get caught up soon so I can get in chats and all with other people”.
The only thing that irks me is that I didn’t do any of the readings in the past week or so at the computer and I had a running list of things that I wanted to remember, whether it be a verse, story, journal entry, etc…so yea…I’ll probably get that caught up first. Go through the journal entries and all.
Maybe I’ve taken a really bad approach to this. Maybe I should have waited, and done things in order, instead of doing on thing, going back a bit, spending MAJOR time on something, then going back to something else so I can give that my full attention, etc…but darn. I enjoyed the times I was able to talk to other people about that days reading, or the day before…or whatever…and if you’re a month behind, you can’t do that very well.
It’s interesting, the things you find, when you’re not really looking for them. I was looking for this letter from a teacher I got about 2 years ago. And I did indeed find that, and obviously it was intentional…but it’s just…odd how blinded I was from things, how blinded we all are from things, when we’re in the heat of the moment. People say things, do things, that you don’t catch at all…but then years later- when you’re no longer in whatever position you were in, you can look back and either realize “wow…that person did actually rock…I wish I didn’t treat them so badly” or “wow…that person definitely was NOT the person I thought they were”.
And even still, there are the times where you’re just…completely confused by a situation. Wishing you knew what the person meant by various things they said. When you don’t know how much they know, you’re left to guess.
Guessing is always a bad thing.
Things have been bugging me lately. And I can vent and vent and vent all I want, but nothing would ever change. I just need to accept people for how they are…and more importantly, who they are. That’s a lesson that you think is quite easy to some degree, but I don’t know. I think that when people hurt you, you get real defensive for a while, you dislike them…but after a bit of time, you kinda relearn how to love them, and accept the fact that we’re all human, and this is what happened.
But when people annoy you. People truly, deeply, to the highest extent annoy you to where you just want to cry out of frustration…irritation, the moment you hear their name- that becomes a problem. A major problem.
Donald Miller wrote about a person of the sort in Blue Like Jazz…I remember it being rather profound in the most simplistic way possible, but I wasn’t experiencing this, or anything like this for that matter, at the time.
“A friend loves at all times…” Reading that in Proverbs today was like…I guess it was like hearing bad news that you know is coming. You know it intellectually, but yet you don’t want to face it. You avoid it thinking it’s just going to go away on it’s own.
*sighs* I honestly don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I just wish I could go back in time and see things from this perspective. Not change anything, but just…maybe see some things I didn’t see then…hear some things, feel them out a bit more.
I take that back. I would change something. I would have talked to people. Deeply talked to people. Three in particular. And it kills me in a sense that I didn’t. I don’t believe it would have changed the outcome at all, but it would have made me a much happier person.
Maybe that in itself would have indeed changed the outcome though. If I was happy, would I have realized how desperately I needed to be saved? Doubtful. Even when I wasn’t happy, I went quite a while for me to realize that. It took absolute desperation with absolutely no other way out for me to accept it.
I’m obviously thrilled with how things have turned out thus far…I guess I just wish I could have been a bit happier. I’ve never been upset about my past…and I’d honestly much rather things have been as they were to reach this…instead of being pretty darn happy my entire life, and just be so lukewarm in everything. But I dunno…I guess this is rather ridiculous, I can’t really express what I mean, but rest assured- I do mean something lol, and I am happy and thankful for how things turned out…and would have gone through it again to get here, you know?
It’s just that I look back on things, and I realize that I had so many opportunities…so many chances to just completely stop things before they got any worse…and not only did I turn them down- I made a joke of them…if opportunities had egos, or anything like that- I pretty much killed it.
I guess that’s why I’m sad about it all…is that if I just would have jumped on any of them,…well…things would have been different. Which means things would be different now, and that’s something I don’t want. I’m quite happy with ‘now’. I’m very content and just…happy.
I dunno. I’m just confused. And it’s all internal, all wrapped around and wrapped up in so many things that no amount of talking it out, or typing it out for that matter would do any good. I think I just need to go, think it all out of me, and go to sleep.
I’m pretty much definitely sure this only came up due to sleep deprivation. It always does lol.
So yes…not a bad mood post. Just a confused post. And not a bad confused post at that. Simply confused about things that are long, long gone…they don’t have the chance to be good or bad.
So what do I want? I want to think it all out. I want to just…think it out to the point that it basically doesn’t even exist anymore. I want to understand it, but know there’s a huge possibility I never will. I’m okay with that. I want to understand, but realize and accept the fact I probably won’t. I want to emotionally relive. And relive I shall. I think the only good thing about thinking too much, is the ability to recreate moments.
And it’s all in how you mix the two,
And it starts just where the light exists.
It’s a feeling that you cannot miss,
And it burns a hole,
through everyone that feels it.
Well you’re never gonna find it,
If you’re looking for it,
won’t come your way,
Well you’ll never find it,
if your looking for it.
Should’ve done something, but I’ve done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking,
Rather waste some time with you.
And you never would have thought in the end,
How amazing it feels just to live again,
It’s a feeling that you cannot miss,
it burns a hole, through everyone that feels it
Well you’re never gonna find it,
If you’re looking for it, won’t come your way, yeah
Well you’ll never find it, if you’re looking for it.
Should’ve done something, but I’ve done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.
Should’ve said something, but I’ve said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste some time with you.
Time with you…
Waste some time with you…
Should’ve done something, but I’ve done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.
Should’ve said something, but I’ve said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you.
Should’ve done something, but I’ve done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.
Waste some time with you…
Should’ve done something, but I’ve done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.
My stomach is officially in knots. The song itself makes me sick. How pathetic. Maybe this is why I never listen to it, but on the occasion I do- it’s pretty much on repeat all day. Stupid vocals just…capture everything.
I think that’s pretty much the only song that has the ability to instantly depress me regardless of the rest of the worlds actions and various going-on’s. That didn’t even make sense. Ah well. Way too many deeply deeply thick running connections through things. Haha…Grammar just sucks at this hour!
Song on repeat on the iPod
think
try this whole ’sleep at a decent time’ once more?
indeed. indeed.
weird weird depression tonight. Not a bad one…it’s a 1:30 in the morning one, that probably plagues all those who overthink, have horrid sleep schedules, and have a strange fascination with nostalgia. Tomorrow is a new day, and I can guarantee I’ll wake up overly chipper.
Maybe it’s wrong, but I think I need my random nights of reflection. I know I make disgustingly tiny things bigger than they would be if I had a life. If I had a life, I’d have…well…a life to think about. But I don’t. I have other things 99% of the time, but every now and then, because I have secluded myself, I just need to kinda…think things out in depth.
On that note- I happened to glance over the other day and saw Proverbs 18:1…yea…definitely another “already knew it, but just…didn’t want to hear it- kinda makes it worse” kind of thing. It’s obvious, I knew it, the world knows it, but it’s rather sad to see it written out so clearly.
I should shut up now.