I’m in too deep to think about falling down…
Originally published at Dancin' In The Wind.... Please leave any comments there.
I feel broken (not in a totally good way). I know I’m not though. The week has taken it’s toll on me, but I know I’m definitely not what I feel. I’ve been kinda apathetic the past few days. About a few too many things. I know it’s just the added stress of my stupid room. After that’s gone, I can go back to having my extroverted thoughts all being towards my grandparents. I think too much, and that builds up more stress than it should. That’s no excuse though. Nothing is.
I’ve come to notice that for every 3 things someone else might have going on in their life…I have one. Like, I think most people get stressed out after (lets just say) three things. I get stressed out with one. It all comes from thinking things out too much. Thinking kills.
Between thinking myself paralyzed (whether that be thinking myself into confusion, or just wasting time thinking) in a situation, or just forgetting that, and thinking about various other things. It’s rather pathetic.
I’m just ready for tomorrow to get here. My stuff is spread out all through the house. I’ve got some guitars in the living room, my desk in the office, remnants of my bed- some in the garage, some in my parents room, boxes in the office and living room. It’s left me personally feeling very scattered.
I just want to sit, and know that my stuff, and my thoughts are in one place.
I think I’ve kinda forced myself into a weird point of extroversion over the past few days, and it’s left me feeling very lost. I haven’t had time to sit and just…think like I normally do. That’s my main form of passing time, so not having a minute to just be over the past week really, is just REALLY weird.
We got the greatest table at Target today. We looked at Pier One, and a few other ‘house’ stores…and they had NOTHING. But yea…it’s really short, but if it’s too bad, I’ll figure something out…I adore this table!
But yea…I’ve officially titled my room the ‘Moroccan Asian Beach’ lol…and my table is *very* Moroccan! It makes me smile. Last year Target had a big “All Around The World” furniture thing… and when we’d walk by it, I realized I adored 90% of the stuff over there…and it was all very…Moroccan-ish. lol…I love making sense.
It’s been interesting though. I’m trying to make as much space in there as possible. Got a twin bed, got rid of my desk…I figure I never used my desk for more than catching all my junk…so why not, anyways…yea…it’s going to be more ’second living room…but my main living room’ than bedroom. My bed is just on a frame (no headboard or anything) and shall be pushed in a corner. Hopefully this will work out.
I couldn’t be in my room with that old stupid bed because it was HUGE…like…HUGE HUGE HUGE lol that frame was just…ridiculous…so yay for going the total opposite way? At least the mattress we got was insanely comfortable. Way more comfortable than the Full mattress I had before, so…I go up in one sense, but down in the other. I guess it’s a good thing I pretty much stay in one position when I sleep lol…though I wouldn’t be surprised if I woke up on the floor the first few nights *rolls eyes*
Anywho…my room will actually be in my room now. Minus the computer.
It might as well be, but yea. I’ve had my guitars, amps, books, journals, photo’s…all of that out of my room since September of 2005. I’ve used the office as my room during the day really. So yes…my family is getting their office back, and I’m getting my room back.
Haha…it’s just so obvious I’m an only child! A sibling would be really good for me. No normal person destroys their room on a whim. But really…we were going to get it last fall…we just kept having other stuff come up and it got pushed to the side. Especially since we got our new furniture that Thanksgiving, it was easy to sleep on the couch…but you know…nearly a year of that…and you’re *so* over it!
Had an amazing conversation with Catherine last night…I really needed that. When we get into conversations…we REALLY get in to conversations! Made me realize that if I went to church, I’d at least have the possibility of having more of those. I adore conversations about *real* things. Deeper than “who won the game?”, deeper than “what’s going on with you?”, even deeper than “specifically, how are you?”….I just wish the entire world could stop for a few months, and we could all just talk.
My social habits suck. The only people I’ve talked to in real life, REALLY REALLY deeply talked to…I’ve ‘known them’ long before they knew me. I’ve been able to judge for myself whether or not they’re safe. Safe from what? I dunno. I just irk myself. It’s like, 99% of my really close friends… yea…online lol. And I can see myself having a conversation with them, but really now…how many years…YEARS, I SAY, have I had to judge whether or not they’re safe. Whether or not I want to say something. Or if I do something and regret it, I haven’t had to suffer immediate consequences.
So internet friends…especially the ones I’ve talked to about anything deeper than ‘hi…how are you?’…move over to Indiana so I can fool myself into thinking I’m more extroverted than I once thought.
In all honesty- I do see myself just totally jumping in…from the highest diving board…I’m just that kid at the pool who takes a few extra minutes to stand there, watching the other kids jump in and play, to make sure there aren’t any alligators, or sharks in the pool, like their lying older brother told them about.
I really do believe I’m gonna dive on in…but for now, I shall stand shivering by the pool, watching others have fun, trying to muster up a few extra ounces of courage, jump in, have a grand time, and walk out of the pool years from now, fingers all pruney…because I realized how amazing it was, and never wanted to get out.
GOOOOOOSSSHHHH my analogies suck like crazy, and really make absolutely no sense lol…..too much caffeine, not enough stress, three times my normal amount of stress, with no real time to filter it all? yea. this is the result. Be happy I’ve learned from this, and after tomorrow, it shall hopefully never appear again!
Good song…I’ve found I enjoy some Jonah33…weird stuff.
Because I’m playing for keeps this time around
I’m in too deep
To think about falling down
And giving up again
I want to live each day just like
It was my last chance to prove
You’re all I have
And that is all I need
This is it, it’s what we’re waiting for!
This is it, it’s all we’re fighting for!
I finally get a chance to show the world
What You have done for me
So let this moment be
You instead of me
Tired and bruised, every broken bone
Reminds me that I’m far from home
And these scars remind me who I am
But You’re the one
the Reason that I run
And I won’t stop until You’re done
You’re the only hope I have
I’ve counted the cost and I know
Everything that matters is
Everything worth fighting for