I'm just waiting for an answer
So things have gotten better. Slowly. I figured out that there is no use in making myself feel bad and getting angry over things that I know deep down are pointless. Why make myself feel useless and unwanted because that is what I have been doing, it hasn't been anyone elses doing really, just my own. I get it, it's my own self-doubt that makes me project it unto others which is a catch 22 situation. I do that and then I really am unwanted because I make those I care about feel bad. It eats me up inside knowing that I do that to those I love the most. It sucks too because I always say that I am going to stop and just when I do for a while I start it again. I think eventually though it will all heal itself. Right? Time fixes everything. I feel better lately though and I only count on the fact that everything happens for a reason and that it will all be ok. I just need to RELAX and quit trying to control all aspects of my life all the time. Ahh..relaxing. I got to do that the other night, went to see Mustard Plug and got to dance all my cares away. It was awesome, I didn't have a care in the world for at least 2 hours. That feeling is something I've started carrying with me to get me through each day. I am way too young to feel worried and like I am losing control of my life when actually my life is completely mine, no one elses. I control it all but I do need to loosen my grip on it. I actually think that I have finally started to let go of the hate that eats away at me. I can feel it leave a little bit more every day. ...saying goodbye is never easy though.