NB27 (at last)
I swear chapter 28 will be here quicker (and hopefully be easier to write, this was like pulling teeth ¬_¬)...
Title: Nile Blue chapter 27/?? (look it's almost over, okay?)
Rating: PG for this chapter only
Summary: Post-rehearsal double date, Eiji and Daiki on one side of the table, Tuti and Nagayan on the other. Oh if only things could stay that simple...
Author's Notes: I... don't particularly like this chapter. It's the calm before the storm and I don't know why it's taken me so long to write a chapter in which nothing happens but... oh just read it, and then nag me to write the next bit XD
It was with an entirely justified frown on his face that Tuti turned to Takashi, once he’d reappeared in the dressing room, and asked, ‘What was the disappearing act for?’
‘I just went to find Eiji and Daiki to tell them to hurry up if we wanted to eat tonight rather than next week,’ Takashi explained, moving straight past Tuti to the dressing table and his half-open bag sitting in front of his stretch of the mirror.
‘And did you?’ Tuti’s frown became a bit more serious and a lot more concerned when Takashi didn’t flash him a smile or laugh or make a joke about Tuti being so distracted by Tatsuya’s eager questions it was a wonder he’d noticed Takashi’s absence at all. In fact Takashi didn’t do any of the things Tuti expected him to but kept his head bowed over his bag as he rummaged through it in search of some elusive thing that he hadn’t found even when Tuti pressed on, ‘Where are they? I wanted to ask Daiki what he thought of that last scene we did but he vanished too quickly.’
Takashi gave some non-committal answer, something so vague Tuti almost asked for it to be repeated except that Takashi was still looking distracted. Frowning even harder than before, Tuti decided that as his stomach had been making peculiar noises for the last half an hour, he’d just have to ask Takashi what the matter was after dinner. Possibly Takashi was just tired and didn’t feel like talking; it’d make sense, they’d had a long day and tomorrow was only going to be longer. That and it certainly wasn’t the first time Tuti had noticed him behaving like this, there’d been something up a week or so ago, that night they’d all gone out to dinner at Tatsuya’s parents’ restaurant, but what did seem unusual was the suddenness of the change - everything had been fine a few minutes ago… hadn’t it?
***
It was with a weary clatter of cutlery on crockery that Daiki announced that he’d been defeated by his dinner. ‘I’m so full!’ he moaned, clutching at his stomach dramatically and falling into Eiji who’d finished his own meal five minutes ago. ‘You’re going to have to carry me home.’
‘He carries you home whenever we go out anyway, one sniff of alcohol -’ began Tuti before he was interrupted.
‘Says the man who drinks so much wine you could take your liver out and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t need pickling.’
‘Lightweight.’
‘Alcoholic.’
‘Eiji’s pet.’
‘Old man.’
‘Daiki.’
‘Tuti.’
‘What?’ Tuti and Daiki both turned to their respective others at the same time, the same word on their lips and no real indication of who’d managed to say it first.
Eiji laughed at the pout on Daiki’s face that he was confronted with and Takashi poked Tuti in the arm as he ticked him off, adding, ‘Why can’t you just admit you’ve missed your friend like a normal person?’
‘Normal? Tuti?’ Daiki couldn’t resist laughing.
‘Normal-ish,’ Takashi amended with a fond grin that made Tuti’s stomach do a somersault that shouldn’t have been physically possible given the amount he’d eaten so far that evening.
Tuti tried to think of something witty to say back, something to make them all laugh again but the goofy grin on his face wouldn’t shift and after a few seconds of sharing that grin with Takashi, Eiji said something about them not being home on their own just yet and a new round of teasing was begun. It was pretty much how the whole evening so far had unfolded, enthusiastic eating and friendly cross-table teasing that every so often got interrupted by a moment when Tuti would find himself stuck. Sometimes it would be because of a word, or a look, nothing more significant than catching a glimpse of Takashi’s smile out of the corner of his eye, but now and then it would be enough to melt whatever thought was trying to be formed and force Tuti to re-trace his mental steps so that he could try again. Had he been in the company of anyone else it would have been downright embarrassing, but thankfully Daiki and Eiji were capable of being just as soppy (if not more so) than him and Takashi and there was as many opportunities to tease them as there were times when he could be teased.
As a waiter cleared the dirty plates away, making enquiries about fresh drinks and dessert as he did so, Tuti wondered if this feeling in his gut was one Eiji or Daiki would have been familiar with, because the thing was… when he thought about it, it scared him.
It wasn’t Takashi, he wasn’t scared of the man or in any doubt that Takashi’s attachment to him was quite as strong as his own considering the brief time they’d known each other. What scared Tuti, scared and thrilled him in equal measure, was how easily it was done, how simply he could be distracted even in mid-sentence by Takashi doing nothing important at all. He was pretty sure he hadn’t hit love-sick school-girl proportions yet but there were times, like tonight, when it felt like it. Long days didn’t help, not when they’d had to act around each other but not relax with each other, not when they’d spent all day looking at each other, being in each other’s company but yet… not.
Tuti was convinced it was one of the weirder ways to spend time with your boyfriend - pretending to be someone else while interacting with and reacting to someone who looked like a person you cared about but who didn’t behave the way they usually did. The whole acting process was a potential complication, rehearsals were there to help Tuti slip into Niankhkhnum’s skin and take on the other man’s character and instincts until they were second nature and until the other man’s speech fell out of his mouth more naturally than his own. But doing that when Takashi was there, when for most of the play Niankhkhnum’s relationship with Khnumhotep was so vastly different to Tuti’s with Takashi, it was hard. Not impossible, not by any stretch of the imagination, not even so difficult that it made Tuti want to give up, but it was difficult enough that it ate into Tuti’s energy and his concentration, demanding extra focus as he made the necessary detachment from Takashi so that Niankhkhnum could talk to his Syrian slave.
The other side of the problem was that it sometimes made their lunch breaks awkward. The need for a re-connection, a reminder that their characters’ problems weren’t theirs, that the acting was over for the morning or for the day was so great at times it was almost desperate. Admittedly Tuti was only aware of it when he was tired and kept getting distracted by Takashi as he was tonight, but it made him wonder whether Daiki and Eiji had ever had the same problem when they’d done a play together.
Then again… maybe it was just Tuti’s own fault for getting involved with a new, never-met-before co-star in the first place. The fact that Niankhkhnum ranked as one of the more unusual and demanding roles Tuti had ever taken on certainly didn’t help his tension levels and that was without the added complication of acting opposite someone he was attracted to.
Because the simple, undeniable fact was that Tuti was attracted to Takashi and for all the fears that accompanied the realisation that he’d just got himself mentally lost thinking about him again, Tuti still felt a pleasurable thrill at the knowledge. He decided there and then that the shiver down his spine was a pretty nice reminder of how strong the attachment was and when Takashi’s knee bumped gently against his underneath the table, it made Tuti want to squirm in his seat.
Catching Tuti’s eye in a manner that may have been deliberate although he couldn’t be quite sure, Takashi gave Tuti a grin that Tuti had to return just like he’d had to return all the others.
Eiji laughing too loudly distracted them both half a second later however, ‘You two are about as subtle as Eiki hitting on barmen when we’ve given him too much to drink. Come on Tuti, I thought you’d missed Daiki’s company? You can make eyes at Takashi whenever you like.’
‘Tsuchiya doesn’t miss me,’ Daiki proclaimed with a pout Tuti was pretty sure was faked. ‘Didn’t you hear him say that my only redeeming feature was my habit of reminding him of things he’s forgotten?’
‘For someone he doesn’t miss, he certainly talks about you a lot,’ Takashi chimed in as Tuti tried to splutter indignantly at Daiki’s accusations.
‘Look, it’s been a few weeks, okay?’ Tuti finally managed to say.
Daiki grinned broadly at him across the table, ‘Does that mean you have missed me, Yuuichi?’
Tuti felt his face flush as Daiki dragged his name out as long as the syllables would allow themselves to be stretched without falling apart.
‘Ahh its okay,’ Daiki generously reassured him. ‘You can take me out for karaoke once Nile Blue is over if it’ll make you feel better - I’ll even let you buy my drinks for me.’
‘Tuti had better start saving then; our first performance is in… what, ten days time?’ Eiji looked round at his friends as if wanting reassurance that his internal calendar wasn’t wildly off. ‘We’ll be done with Ancient Egypt before you know it, Deko-kun.’
Tuti frowned at the extravagant wink Eiji threw across the table at him, not really wanting to be reminded (yet again) that his time on the production was running out when it felt like he’d been hearing nothing else all day. The thought made his very full stomach twist uncomfortably and he tried to shove his discomfort aside, replacing it with a laugh that was louder than the others.
‘You’re not going to refuse to treat me, are you Tuti?’
‘You wouldn’t let me get away with it if I did,’ Tuti countered.
‘It really isn’t long now, is it? I can’t believe rehearsals are nearly over.’ Takashi was swirling the contents of his glass round and round as he spoke, his attention fixed somewhere vague in the middle distance.
‘That’s the nature of theatre,’ Eiji shrugged. ‘You’ll get used to it, Takashi. It eats you up and spits you out again leaving nothing behind but the memories of your performance in the audiences’ minds. Well, unless the producers have decided that it’ll be worth it to release a DVD I guess.’
Daiki elbowed him when Takashi’s half-consumed drink didn’t stop swirling in its glass. ‘Very reassuring, you idiot. Never mind the audience, the cast get far more out of it if you ask me - new friends, new experience, working in a new place with new staff members and a new director, getting to try a different way of working cause no two directors are the same - that’s why we’re actors, if we were only interested in the finished product we’d be out there in the audience instead.’
Something in Daiki’s little speech made Takashi laugh but even once he’d put his glass down to tease Eiji about getting scolded by Daiki like he was a kid, Tuti found himself watching the glass’s contents. The dark liquid circled slower and slower now that the glass itself was stationary, eventually becoming level and still as though it had never been disturbed in the first place, as though it hadn’t been shaken up and mixed about to the extent where it had almost been spilling over the lip of the glass because Takashi had been too focused on his own thoughts to pay proper attention to what he was doing.
Tuti knew he hadn’t been as honest as he could have been earlier when Daiki had pressed the question about what he was going to do after Nile Blue came to its end. He had thought about it, of course he had, and he’d even got as far as putting some plans into place that would send him back into the main body of a cast rather than being right at the head. But all that had been somehow automatic, done with very little thought or examination of what he really wanted to be doing.
Something was making the close of Nile Blue seem more unreal than it should. Tuti usually got to this stage of rehearsals in a divided mental state that was both wanting and dreading the opening night and the performances that would follow. He was used to gut-clenching nerves and the conviction that he’d never be ready just like he was used to the desire to get it over so that he could move on to what would come next.
This time though, Tuti felt like he didn’t know what was coming next and the more worried this made him, the more he fought not to think about it. Of course he knew he couldn’t avoid thinking about what followed Nile Blue forever, but still the mental delaying tactic was being repeated again and again and whenever someone asked about or mentioned the end of the production Tuti’s response was to (figuratively speaking) put his fingers in his ears and sing loudly. He’d done it today with Daiki, done it after the meeting with the producer this morning, distracted himself again and again in the hope that he could avoid the really scary and simple question - why?
‘ - and after that you can carry me home to Eiji, right Tuti?’
‘Huh?’ Tuti looked up, first to Daiki who was wrinkling his nose, then to Eiji who looked like he might burst out laughing and finally to Takashi whose expression was strangely unreadable. All three were regarding him with a varying mixture of surprise and suspicion, as though he couldn’t lose track of conversation without being guilty of something.
…something like wondering how much longer this is all going to last? Not just the production but everything that goes with it? The friendships... the collaborations… Takashi...?
It was a treacherous little voice in the back of his mind that uttered the very idea Tuti had been trying not to allow mind space all day and yesterday and perhaps for even longer than that. That was not the reason for his unease, for his knotted stomach and his aversion to anyone mentioning the end of Nile Blue, just because Tuti didn’t have any other reason to substitute into its place…
‘You really are miles away tonight,’ Eiji pointed out with his usual display of tact. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘I’m just tired,’ Tuti ran a hand back and then forward again through his hair, tugging what passed for a fringe down in a vague attempt to cover his forehead before ruffling it all back up again. ‘That’s allowed, right?’
‘Well… yeah, no need to get so defensive though Tuti.’
Tuti had assumed he’d just sounded tired but the frown on Eiji’s face told him he’d misjudged himself and probably sounded irritable and snappy instead. Daiki wasn’t looking happy either, but then he always did pout like that when he thought someone had been unreasonably rude to his boyfriend, and Takashi was still looking a little blank and closed off and just how had things become this screwed up? Hadn’t they been having fun a few minutes ago?
‘Maybe bringing you out was a bad idea.’ It was Takashi speaking, although Tuti couldn’t bring himself to look at his boyfriend when studying the table top seemed like a better idea. ‘It’s getting late, get yourself home and sleep Tuti if that’s what you need.’
Tuti nodded his head on automatic pilot, his hands fumbling as he scooped up his bag and belongings from underneath the table. It didn’t matter that he knew Takashi was right, that he knew he needed sleep not conversation and space to think even if he didn’t want to indulge. Even though Takashi was right, Tuti still felt like he was being dismissed, sent home because he couldn’t be relied on to make conversation and play nice, which was a stupid thought. But just because it was a stupid thought didn’t mean that he couldn’t dwell on it.
Grumbling to himself got Tuti into his coat, scarf and hat and out of the restaurant onto the street outside without him really paying attention to what he was doing. The sudden change in temperature was enough to wake him up though and encouraged Tuti to pull the zip on his coat right up to meet his scarf before turning and stomping away from the restaurant with his hands buried deep in his pockets.
Tuti had taken four long strides before he realised that he hadn’t left the others with any money to pay for his share of the meal and only two more before deciding that his friends could cover it themselves seeing as none of them had bothered to say anything resembling “goodnight” or even “see you tomorrow”. Five more, long, swinging paces took Tuti to the corner and he paused only for a moment to glance over his shoulder at the brightly lit sign above the restaurant door before falling back into the regular movement he knew would warm him up once it had the chance.
‘Hey, wait! TUTI!’
Sudden, loud footsteps disrupted Tuti’s moody train of thought and made him stop right where he was standing, hands in his pockets, wrapped in coat and scarf and buried beneath a hat that clashed with both. Someone was running after him, someone who didn’t have either a coat or a hat, whose t-shirt looked far too thin as it stretched over a familiar chest and shoulders and whose recently washed hair had dried and become fluffy an hour ago.
Takashi half skidded to a stop, took a deep breath and smiled.
Tuti, so surprised by the sudden appearance of the last person he’d expected to follow him, found himself smiling back.
‘Sorry for yelling at you like that, but I didn’t want you to just go.’
‘Yeah well,’ Tuti’s smile slipped away again as he shrugged. ‘You’re right aren’t you, I do need sleep.’
Takashi’s hand was suddenly closing round Tuti’s forearm, holding on to him surprisingly tightly as he took a step that narrowed the distance between them. ‘That’s still no excuse for me to be rude,’ he told Tuti firmly. ‘I can’t just let you walk off without at least saying “goodnight” can I?’
Tuti wanted to shrug off the comment again, to turn around and just leave, but Takashi was still holding onto his arm and Tuti couldn’t bring himself to pull free.
‘You sure it’s just a case of you being tired, Tuti?’
Takashi was closer than ever, indecently close considering they were on the corner of a public street, somewhere where anyone and everyone could see them from the diners at the surrounding restaurants to the people walking in pairs and threes on their way to or from another bar. The hand he’d wrapped round Tuti’s arm felt hot even through the thick material of Tuti’s coat and yet Tuti could see him shivering.
‘Tuti?’ Takashi prompted, frowning up at him through disheveled hair.
With a shake of his head, Tuti replied slowly, ‘I am sorry Takashi, guess the fact this is nearly over is getting to me, that’s all.’
Takashi’s frown didn’t move with this admission. ‘And you didn’t think it was important to tell me that?’
‘I thought with the first performance just around the corner you’d have enough to worry about.’
Tuti knew he sounded sulky and cross but to his surprise Takashi didn’t snap back at him like Eiji or Daiki might have done. Shaking his head, Takashi gave a weary smile and said, ‘I can tell when something’s wrong with you, you know, and when you don’t tell me what it is, I have to make my own assumptions and they’re not usually very pleasant.’
‘Err… sorry.’
‘I’m not looking for an apology.’
‘What are you looking for then?’ Tuti could feel the smile trying to tug at his mouth, trying to draw him out of his bad mood through the hand that was still fastened onto his arm.
‘Something you can’t give me in the middle of the street without one or other of us getting arrested,’ was Takashi’s answer, the exhaustion slipping out of his smile and leaving something vaguely mischievous behind.
Tuti couldn’t resist chuckling, ‘How many heart attacks do you think that would give Kato-san if he had to bail his lead actors out of jail this close to opening night?’
‘The night before all those journalists and photographers descend on rehearsals too,’ added Takashi. ‘Guess we’d better behave ourselves then.’
‘Takashi - ’
‘It’s tempting though…’ Takashi trailed off, grinning slightly.
‘Goodnight Takashi.’ Ignoring the way Takashi’s grin contained a blatantly wicked quality that made it quite obvious what he was thinking about, Tuti wrapped the other man in a quick hug and squeezed his shoulders. ‘Do me a favour and get back inside before you catch three different cold viruses, okay?’
‘And don’t you get so wrapped up in your worries that you walk into any lampposts, I can’t act opposite you if you’ve got concussion.’
Tuti let go of Takashi, allowing him to step back and wrap his arms round his chest in a way that only emphasised how thin his t-shirt was. The space between them had yawned wider again but it didn’t feel like it to Tuti, who was suddenly aware that he was smiling again despite his belief that there wasn’t anything strong enough to make him want to. He got a nod from Takashi and another grin which made it somehow very easy to grin back and wave before they both moved in opposite directions; Takashi heading back to the restaurant with a cold shiver and a warm grin, and Tuti strolling along a different street, his hands in his pockets and his chin tilted up so that he could look at the sky from underneath the brim of his hat.
TBC
Title: Nile Blue chapter 27/?? (look it's almost over, okay?)
Rating: PG for this chapter only
Summary: Post-rehearsal double date, Eiji and Daiki on one side of the table, Tuti and Nagayan on the other. Oh if only things could stay that simple...
Author's Notes: I... don't particularly like this chapter. It's the calm before the storm and I don't know why it's taken me so long to write a chapter in which nothing happens but... oh just read it, and then nag me to write the next bit XD
It was with an entirely justified frown on his face that Tuti turned to Takashi, once he’d reappeared in the dressing room, and asked, ‘What was the disappearing act for?’
‘I just went to find Eiji and Daiki to tell them to hurry up if we wanted to eat tonight rather than next week,’ Takashi explained, moving straight past Tuti to the dressing table and his half-open bag sitting in front of his stretch of the mirror.
‘And did you?’ Tuti’s frown became a bit more serious and a lot more concerned when Takashi didn’t flash him a smile or laugh or make a joke about Tuti being so distracted by Tatsuya’s eager questions it was a wonder he’d noticed Takashi’s absence at all. In fact Takashi didn’t do any of the things Tuti expected him to but kept his head bowed over his bag as he rummaged through it in search of some elusive thing that he hadn’t found even when Tuti pressed on, ‘Where are they? I wanted to ask Daiki what he thought of that last scene we did but he vanished too quickly.’
Takashi gave some non-committal answer, something so vague Tuti almost asked for it to be repeated except that Takashi was still looking distracted. Frowning even harder than before, Tuti decided that as his stomach had been making peculiar noises for the last half an hour, he’d just have to ask Takashi what the matter was after dinner. Possibly Takashi was just tired and didn’t feel like talking; it’d make sense, they’d had a long day and tomorrow was only going to be longer. That and it certainly wasn’t the first time Tuti had noticed him behaving like this, there’d been something up a week or so ago, that night they’d all gone out to dinner at Tatsuya’s parents’ restaurant, but what did seem unusual was the suddenness of the change - everything had been fine a few minutes ago… hadn’t it?
***
It was with a weary clatter of cutlery on crockery that Daiki announced that he’d been defeated by his dinner. ‘I’m so full!’ he moaned, clutching at his stomach dramatically and falling into Eiji who’d finished his own meal five minutes ago. ‘You’re going to have to carry me home.’
‘He carries you home whenever we go out anyway, one sniff of alcohol -’ began Tuti before he was interrupted.
‘Says the man who drinks so much wine you could take your liver out and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t need pickling.’
‘Lightweight.’
‘Alcoholic.’
‘Eiji’s pet.’
‘Old man.’
‘Daiki.’
‘Tuti.’
‘What?’ Tuti and Daiki both turned to their respective others at the same time, the same word on their lips and no real indication of who’d managed to say it first.
Eiji laughed at the pout on Daiki’s face that he was confronted with and Takashi poked Tuti in the arm as he ticked him off, adding, ‘Why can’t you just admit you’ve missed your friend like a normal person?’
‘Normal? Tuti?’ Daiki couldn’t resist laughing.
‘Normal-ish,’ Takashi amended with a fond grin that made Tuti’s stomach do a somersault that shouldn’t have been physically possible given the amount he’d eaten so far that evening.
Tuti tried to think of something witty to say back, something to make them all laugh again but the goofy grin on his face wouldn’t shift and after a few seconds of sharing that grin with Takashi, Eiji said something about them not being home on their own just yet and a new round of teasing was begun. It was pretty much how the whole evening so far had unfolded, enthusiastic eating and friendly cross-table teasing that every so often got interrupted by a moment when Tuti would find himself stuck. Sometimes it would be because of a word, or a look, nothing more significant than catching a glimpse of Takashi’s smile out of the corner of his eye, but now and then it would be enough to melt whatever thought was trying to be formed and force Tuti to re-trace his mental steps so that he could try again. Had he been in the company of anyone else it would have been downright embarrassing, but thankfully Daiki and Eiji were capable of being just as soppy (if not more so) than him and Takashi and there was as many opportunities to tease them as there were times when he could be teased.
As a waiter cleared the dirty plates away, making enquiries about fresh drinks and dessert as he did so, Tuti wondered if this feeling in his gut was one Eiji or Daiki would have been familiar with, because the thing was… when he thought about it, it scared him.
It wasn’t Takashi, he wasn’t scared of the man or in any doubt that Takashi’s attachment to him was quite as strong as his own considering the brief time they’d known each other. What scared Tuti, scared and thrilled him in equal measure, was how easily it was done, how simply he could be distracted even in mid-sentence by Takashi doing nothing important at all. He was pretty sure he hadn’t hit love-sick school-girl proportions yet but there were times, like tonight, when it felt like it. Long days didn’t help, not when they’d had to act around each other but not relax with each other, not when they’d spent all day looking at each other, being in each other’s company but yet… not.
Tuti was convinced it was one of the weirder ways to spend time with your boyfriend - pretending to be someone else while interacting with and reacting to someone who looked like a person you cared about but who didn’t behave the way they usually did. The whole acting process was a potential complication, rehearsals were there to help Tuti slip into Niankhkhnum’s skin and take on the other man’s character and instincts until they were second nature and until the other man’s speech fell out of his mouth more naturally than his own. But doing that when Takashi was there, when for most of the play Niankhkhnum’s relationship with Khnumhotep was so vastly different to Tuti’s with Takashi, it was hard. Not impossible, not by any stretch of the imagination, not even so difficult that it made Tuti want to give up, but it was difficult enough that it ate into Tuti’s energy and his concentration, demanding extra focus as he made the necessary detachment from Takashi so that Niankhkhnum could talk to his Syrian slave.
The other side of the problem was that it sometimes made their lunch breaks awkward. The need for a re-connection, a reminder that their characters’ problems weren’t theirs, that the acting was over for the morning or for the day was so great at times it was almost desperate. Admittedly Tuti was only aware of it when he was tired and kept getting distracted by Takashi as he was tonight, but it made him wonder whether Daiki and Eiji had ever had the same problem when they’d done a play together.
Then again… maybe it was just Tuti’s own fault for getting involved with a new, never-met-before co-star in the first place. The fact that Niankhkhnum ranked as one of the more unusual and demanding roles Tuti had ever taken on certainly didn’t help his tension levels and that was without the added complication of acting opposite someone he was attracted to.
Because the simple, undeniable fact was that Tuti was attracted to Takashi and for all the fears that accompanied the realisation that he’d just got himself mentally lost thinking about him again, Tuti still felt a pleasurable thrill at the knowledge. He decided there and then that the shiver down his spine was a pretty nice reminder of how strong the attachment was and when Takashi’s knee bumped gently against his underneath the table, it made Tuti want to squirm in his seat.
Catching Tuti’s eye in a manner that may have been deliberate although he couldn’t be quite sure, Takashi gave Tuti a grin that Tuti had to return just like he’d had to return all the others.
Eiji laughing too loudly distracted them both half a second later however, ‘You two are about as subtle as Eiki hitting on barmen when we’ve given him too much to drink. Come on Tuti, I thought you’d missed Daiki’s company? You can make eyes at Takashi whenever you like.’
‘Tsuchiya doesn’t miss me,’ Daiki proclaimed with a pout Tuti was pretty sure was faked. ‘Didn’t you hear him say that my only redeeming feature was my habit of reminding him of things he’s forgotten?’
‘For someone he doesn’t miss, he certainly talks about you a lot,’ Takashi chimed in as Tuti tried to splutter indignantly at Daiki’s accusations.
‘Look, it’s been a few weeks, okay?’ Tuti finally managed to say.
Daiki grinned broadly at him across the table, ‘Does that mean you have missed me, Yuuichi?’
Tuti felt his face flush as Daiki dragged his name out as long as the syllables would allow themselves to be stretched without falling apart.
‘Ahh its okay,’ Daiki generously reassured him. ‘You can take me out for karaoke once Nile Blue is over if it’ll make you feel better - I’ll even let you buy my drinks for me.’
‘Tuti had better start saving then; our first performance is in… what, ten days time?’ Eiji looked round at his friends as if wanting reassurance that his internal calendar wasn’t wildly off. ‘We’ll be done with Ancient Egypt before you know it, Deko-kun.’
Tuti frowned at the extravagant wink Eiji threw across the table at him, not really wanting to be reminded (yet again) that his time on the production was running out when it felt like he’d been hearing nothing else all day. The thought made his very full stomach twist uncomfortably and he tried to shove his discomfort aside, replacing it with a laugh that was louder than the others.
‘You’re not going to refuse to treat me, are you Tuti?’
‘You wouldn’t let me get away with it if I did,’ Tuti countered.
‘It really isn’t long now, is it? I can’t believe rehearsals are nearly over.’ Takashi was swirling the contents of his glass round and round as he spoke, his attention fixed somewhere vague in the middle distance.
‘That’s the nature of theatre,’ Eiji shrugged. ‘You’ll get used to it, Takashi. It eats you up and spits you out again leaving nothing behind but the memories of your performance in the audiences’ minds. Well, unless the producers have decided that it’ll be worth it to release a DVD I guess.’
Daiki elbowed him when Takashi’s half-consumed drink didn’t stop swirling in its glass. ‘Very reassuring, you idiot. Never mind the audience, the cast get far more out of it if you ask me - new friends, new experience, working in a new place with new staff members and a new director, getting to try a different way of working cause no two directors are the same - that’s why we’re actors, if we were only interested in the finished product we’d be out there in the audience instead.’
Something in Daiki’s little speech made Takashi laugh but even once he’d put his glass down to tease Eiji about getting scolded by Daiki like he was a kid, Tuti found himself watching the glass’s contents. The dark liquid circled slower and slower now that the glass itself was stationary, eventually becoming level and still as though it had never been disturbed in the first place, as though it hadn’t been shaken up and mixed about to the extent where it had almost been spilling over the lip of the glass because Takashi had been too focused on his own thoughts to pay proper attention to what he was doing.
Tuti knew he hadn’t been as honest as he could have been earlier when Daiki had pressed the question about what he was going to do after Nile Blue came to its end. He had thought about it, of course he had, and he’d even got as far as putting some plans into place that would send him back into the main body of a cast rather than being right at the head. But all that had been somehow automatic, done with very little thought or examination of what he really wanted to be doing.
Something was making the close of Nile Blue seem more unreal than it should. Tuti usually got to this stage of rehearsals in a divided mental state that was both wanting and dreading the opening night and the performances that would follow. He was used to gut-clenching nerves and the conviction that he’d never be ready just like he was used to the desire to get it over so that he could move on to what would come next.
This time though, Tuti felt like he didn’t know what was coming next and the more worried this made him, the more he fought not to think about it. Of course he knew he couldn’t avoid thinking about what followed Nile Blue forever, but still the mental delaying tactic was being repeated again and again and whenever someone asked about or mentioned the end of the production Tuti’s response was to (figuratively speaking) put his fingers in his ears and sing loudly. He’d done it today with Daiki, done it after the meeting with the producer this morning, distracted himself again and again in the hope that he could avoid the really scary and simple question - why?
‘ - and after that you can carry me home to Eiji, right Tuti?’
‘Huh?’ Tuti looked up, first to Daiki who was wrinkling his nose, then to Eiji who looked like he might burst out laughing and finally to Takashi whose expression was strangely unreadable. All three were regarding him with a varying mixture of surprise and suspicion, as though he couldn’t lose track of conversation without being guilty of something.
…something like wondering how much longer this is all going to last? Not just the production but everything that goes with it? The friendships... the collaborations… Takashi...?
It was a treacherous little voice in the back of his mind that uttered the very idea Tuti had been trying not to allow mind space all day and yesterday and perhaps for even longer than that. That was not the reason for his unease, for his knotted stomach and his aversion to anyone mentioning the end of Nile Blue, just because Tuti didn’t have any other reason to substitute into its place…
‘You really are miles away tonight,’ Eiji pointed out with his usual display of tact. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘I’m just tired,’ Tuti ran a hand back and then forward again through his hair, tugging what passed for a fringe down in a vague attempt to cover his forehead before ruffling it all back up again. ‘That’s allowed, right?’
‘Well… yeah, no need to get so defensive though Tuti.’
Tuti had assumed he’d just sounded tired but the frown on Eiji’s face told him he’d misjudged himself and probably sounded irritable and snappy instead. Daiki wasn’t looking happy either, but then he always did pout like that when he thought someone had been unreasonably rude to his boyfriend, and Takashi was still looking a little blank and closed off and just how had things become this screwed up? Hadn’t they been having fun a few minutes ago?
‘Maybe bringing you out was a bad idea.’ It was Takashi speaking, although Tuti couldn’t bring himself to look at his boyfriend when studying the table top seemed like a better idea. ‘It’s getting late, get yourself home and sleep Tuti if that’s what you need.’
Tuti nodded his head on automatic pilot, his hands fumbling as he scooped up his bag and belongings from underneath the table. It didn’t matter that he knew Takashi was right, that he knew he needed sleep not conversation and space to think even if he didn’t want to indulge. Even though Takashi was right, Tuti still felt like he was being dismissed, sent home because he couldn’t be relied on to make conversation and play nice, which was a stupid thought. But just because it was a stupid thought didn’t mean that he couldn’t dwell on it.
Grumbling to himself got Tuti into his coat, scarf and hat and out of the restaurant onto the street outside without him really paying attention to what he was doing. The sudden change in temperature was enough to wake him up though and encouraged Tuti to pull the zip on his coat right up to meet his scarf before turning and stomping away from the restaurant with his hands buried deep in his pockets.
Tuti had taken four long strides before he realised that he hadn’t left the others with any money to pay for his share of the meal and only two more before deciding that his friends could cover it themselves seeing as none of them had bothered to say anything resembling “goodnight” or even “see you tomorrow”. Five more, long, swinging paces took Tuti to the corner and he paused only for a moment to glance over his shoulder at the brightly lit sign above the restaurant door before falling back into the regular movement he knew would warm him up once it had the chance.
‘Hey, wait! TUTI!’
Sudden, loud footsteps disrupted Tuti’s moody train of thought and made him stop right where he was standing, hands in his pockets, wrapped in coat and scarf and buried beneath a hat that clashed with both. Someone was running after him, someone who didn’t have either a coat or a hat, whose t-shirt looked far too thin as it stretched over a familiar chest and shoulders and whose recently washed hair had dried and become fluffy an hour ago.
Takashi half skidded to a stop, took a deep breath and smiled.
Tuti, so surprised by the sudden appearance of the last person he’d expected to follow him, found himself smiling back.
‘Sorry for yelling at you like that, but I didn’t want you to just go.’
‘Yeah well,’ Tuti’s smile slipped away again as he shrugged. ‘You’re right aren’t you, I do need sleep.’
Takashi’s hand was suddenly closing round Tuti’s forearm, holding on to him surprisingly tightly as he took a step that narrowed the distance between them. ‘That’s still no excuse for me to be rude,’ he told Tuti firmly. ‘I can’t just let you walk off without at least saying “goodnight” can I?’
Tuti wanted to shrug off the comment again, to turn around and just leave, but Takashi was still holding onto his arm and Tuti couldn’t bring himself to pull free.
‘You sure it’s just a case of you being tired, Tuti?’
Takashi was closer than ever, indecently close considering they were on the corner of a public street, somewhere where anyone and everyone could see them from the diners at the surrounding restaurants to the people walking in pairs and threes on their way to or from another bar. The hand he’d wrapped round Tuti’s arm felt hot even through the thick material of Tuti’s coat and yet Tuti could see him shivering.
‘Tuti?’ Takashi prompted, frowning up at him through disheveled hair.
With a shake of his head, Tuti replied slowly, ‘I am sorry Takashi, guess the fact this is nearly over is getting to me, that’s all.’
Takashi’s frown didn’t move with this admission. ‘And you didn’t think it was important to tell me that?’
‘I thought with the first performance just around the corner you’d have enough to worry about.’
Tuti knew he sounded sulky and cross but to his surprise Takashi didn’t snap back at him like Eiji or Daiki might have done. Shaking his head, Takashi gave a weary smile and said, ‘I can tell when something’s wrong with you, you know, and when you don’t tell me what it is, I have to make my own assumptions and they’re not usually very pleasant.’
‘Err… sorry.’
‘I’m not looking for an apology.’
‘What are you looking for then?’ Tuti could feel the smile trying to tug at his mouth, trying to draw him out of his bad mood through the hand that was still fastened onto his arm.
‘Something you can’t give me in the middle of the street without one or other of us getting arrested,’ was Takashi’s answer, the exhaustion slipping out of his smile and leaving something vaguely mischievous behind.
Tuti couldn’t resist chuckling, ‘How many heart attacks do you think that would give Kato-san if he had to bail his lead actors out of jail this close to opening night?’
‘The night before all those journalists and photographers descend on rehearsals too,’ added Takashi. ‘Guess we’d better behave ourselves then.’
‘Takashi - ’
‘It’s tempting though…’ Takashi trailed off, grinning slightly.
‘Goodnight Takashi.’ Ignoring the way Takashi’s grin contained a blatantly wicked quality that made it quite obvious what he was thinking about, Tuti wrapped the other man in a quick hug and squeezed his shoulders. ‘Do me a favour and get back inside before you catch three different cold viruses, okay?’
‘And don’t you get so wrapped up in your worries that you walk into any lampposts, I can’t act opposite you if you’ve got concussion.’
Tuti let go of Takashi, allowing him to step back and wrap his arms round his chest in a way that only emphasised how thin his t-shirt was. The space between them had yawned wider again but it didn’t feel like it to Tuti, who was suddenly aware that he was smiling again despite his belief that there wasn’t anything strong enough to make him want to. He got a nod from Takashi and another grin which made it somehow very easy to grin back and wave before they both moved in opposite directions; Takashi heading back to the restaurant with a cold shiver and a warm grin, and Tuti strolling along a different street, his hands in his pockets and his chin tilted up so that he could look at the sky from underneath the brim of his hat.
TBC